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Why Hong Kong is going to the dogs - Going the Extra Mile in Singapore (18 Nov) Why Hong Kong is going to the dogs AsiaXPAT columnist JON MARSH discusses village dogs, food safety, weird goings on at Singapore airport and the investigative skills of the CIA. The issue of village dogs has once again been leaving small deposits all over the letters page of the South China Morning Post. It seems that some readers resent being scared witless every time they go hiking in New Territories. What softies. For the benefit of town folk who rarely stray outside their urban hellholes, I will quote from the Hong Kong Government's Rural Beautification and Life Enhancing Working Group (Village Dog sub-committee) policy paper as dictated by the Heung Yee Kuk, that body of upstanding gentlemen who fill the boots of indigenous villagers in the New Territories. In the goal-orientated mission statement of the "Stakeholders Vision" section, it is clearly stated that:
* Each New Territories village shall have at least one pack of semi-wild dogs * Each pack must be at least 12 strong * All dogs must be black, brown or a combination of the two * Each dog must have at least one virulent skin disease, preferably advanced scabies * Dog excrement shall be distributed evenly throughout the village (every 20 yards is the ideal benchmark) * At least one female member of the pack must be pregnant at all times * The pack must have access to at least six overflowing rubbish bins at all times * All dogs must automatically start barking at 3am every morning * Each dog must be able to smell the difference between indigenous villagers and everyone else * Each dog shall wag its tail at all indigenous villagers, especially Heung Yee Kuk office bearers * Everyone else shall be snarled at, chased and, if possible, bitten at every opportunity For more information, please contact a representative of the Heung Yee Kuk. Food for thought You can not step out of your house these days without being reminded of just how dangerous eating has become. Now that is clear that not a single food product in China is made without adding some quantity of melamine (it certainly gives new meaning to the phrase "with added protein") it is surely only a matter of time before celebrity chefs start featuring special melamine recipes on their shows. The downside is that trips to the supermarket have become a much more complicated business. Now, instead of just chucking a load of items into your trolley, each item must be examined in great detail. Country of origin, melamine levels, organic qualities all must be checked thoroughly. In the Spike household, for example, we would not dream of buying anything than left-handed organic tomatoes from California that to a vegetable voted for Barack Obama. We also only eat grapes that listened to Mozart while they were on the vine and all sticks of broccoli must be interviewed separately to discern their views on global warming and Kyoto Protocol on greenhouse gas emissions. Shopping now takes an eternity. One way to speed things up a little might be to have a sticker that says "DEFINITELY NOT FROM CHINA" in 24 point caps for products originating from outside the melamine zone. Going the extra smile in Singapore Spike has always thought of Singapore as a bit of an odd place - all that organisational overkill and telling people what to do, say and think. In Hong Kong, we, the great unled, just tend to get on with things in our own damaged sort of way. But sometimes Singapore is not so much odd, but just plain weird. Take this recent news item, for example. Hong Kong airport has knocked Singapore off its perch two years running in the annual Skytrax awards, the passenger-voted award system regarded as the industry benchmark. Singapore is now fighting back with a new customer-service programme called SMILE that teaches employees to look happy and encourages them to be "motivated, have a positive attitude, be interested in passengers, listen to their needs" (do their job in other words). Not strikingly original you may think (it is Singapore, after all) and perhaps easier said than done if you have to tell a bunch of pissed up Australian rugby league players on their way to shag themselves stupid in Thailand that their flight has been delayed. But wait, there's more. The other part of the plan is to employ celebrities to meet and greet passengers. For reasons that are difficult to fathom, the campaign was kicked off with ageing rocker Tommy Lee and the rest of Motley Crue. Lee is perhaps more famous for appearing in one of the first celebrity sex tapes with his then wife, the bouncy Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson, that found its way on to the internet. In a recent interview he also said he had no intention of giving up sex with groupies. When asked how many groupies he had slept with, he replied: "There's no number, just a mission. And its still going." Just imagine stumbling off a long distance flight to be greeted by the heavily-tattoed singer and his mates. Whats next, a reality TV show "Get me out of here I'm a passenger."? Perhaps its an attempt to change Singapore somewhat dull and staid image? You have to wonder what Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew said when he found out. With friends like this... The week's No Shit Sherlock Award goes to CIA director Michael Hayden who revealed the following shocking piece of information to a stunned world al-Qaeda chief Osama Bin Laden "is putting a lot of energy into his own survival, a lot of energy into his own security." Yes, there you have it right from the horse's mouth the worlds most wanted man is playing hard to get. Who would have thought it - a terrorist in hiding. Remarkable.
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