HK's new concrete jungle diet and a fair go Down Under

 

 

Hong Kong medical opinion has been turned on its head by the revelation that less concrete in your diet may actually be good for you.

 

In a shock move, several experts (also known in some circles as "property developers" and "government officials") have confirmed that devouring vast quantities of concrete at every opportunity may, in fact, be detrimental to your health.

 

"It's a pretty remarkable discovery after all these years. Who would have thought that this was possible," said one confused government spokesman. "All previous studies showed the exact opposite the more concrete the better it was for everyone involved, at least when it came to government revenues and profits for the developer.

 

"We have noticed several outbreaks of what we are calling 'concrete-lite' in recent weeks. And amazingly, the public, who have always ignored up until now, seem to like it. It could, of course, just be a passing fad. We are forming several committees and working groups as we speak."

 

In the most dramatic example, mega developer Hopeless Holdings has agreed to scale back a 12,888 storey hotel project in Wanchai to something described as "slightly less ghastly".

 

"I'm really not sure what has come over the boss," said one company insider. "He has been pouring concrete all over Hong Kong and southern China in vast quantities for years. And now this.

 

"Remember, the companys two slogans have always been 'Degradation is our business' for big urban projects and 'We'll rape and pillage your lovely village' for rural jobs. But its all changing. I even heard the boss use the phrase sustainable development, whatever that means. I think I need to go and have a lie down."

 

Professor P. H Dee, Head of the Department of Blather at Hong Kongs Online Tertiary Extramural Centre for Studies of Nothing in Particular, said it was a remarkable breakthrough. "Its early days but who knows where this will lead," he said. "Imagine an urban landscape that actually takes into account what the public wants," he said. "It's radical but it just might work."

 

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The Australia of John Howard, a country of white picket fences, cream teas and cricket pitches (loosely translated as "mostly white people") is happily becoming an ever more distant memory.

 

The diminutive former prime minister was an avid cricket fan, whose only other hobbies appeared to be inserting his head up every available orifice of George "Brain Dead" Bush and his loony lieutenants and trying to get invited to Buckingham Palace to see the Queen.

 

One of Little Johnny's tricks was to introduce a test for prospective citizens of Australia, one of the worlds most multicultural countries, to see if they were made of "the right stuff". It contained a section on Australian history and culture (mercifully short, one would think) and included, of course, questions about cricket.

 

So for years, hapless applicants such as Vlzd Zlnznrc, a plumber from Drzng in the vowel-free region of what used to be Yugoslavia, have been confronted with multiple choice questions along these lines:

 

1, If Shane Warne is bowling to a left-handed batsman at The Gabba with a silly mid-on, two slips and a deep long on, should he deliver:

a)      A Googly

b)      A Chinaman

c)      A letter saying you should bugger off back to where you came from

 

2) If you are coming out to bat and Australian captain Ricky Ponting tells you what a good time he had with your sister last night, should you:

a) Invite him round for tea

b) Ask the umpire for middle and leg

c) Kill him and his whole family, just as you used to back home

 

3) Who was the greatest person ever to walk the planet?

a) Jesus Christ

b) Lord Buddha

c) Abraham Lincoln

d) Don Bradman

 

 

Thankfully the test, like John Howard, has been consigned to history. The new Labor Government of Putonghua-speaking Asiaphile Kevin Rudd has decided to modify it to make the focus more on the countrys democratic beliefs and the kinds of commitment new citizens are required to make.

 

Howzzat, Little Johnny?

 

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The latest "They Still Don't Get It" Award goes to the three splendid chaps who run what remains of Americas car industry.

 

As the world economy crashes and burns and even venal Wall Street bosses are volunteering to forego their bonuses, Richard Wagoner, Alan Mulally and Robert Nardelli, the respective chief executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler, went to Washington in a bid to put their snouts in the public trough and trouser US$25 billion.

 

"Help, we are going broke," they whined to Congress, holding out their begging bowls, never mind the fact they make crap cars that no wants to buy. And how did they travel from Detroit to Washington, a route served by up to 24 daily non-stop flights?

 

By their company jets, of course, a fact which did not go unnoticed by the politicians.

 

"Theres a delicious irony in seeing private luxury jets flying into Washington DC and people coming off of them with tin cups in their hands," Representative Gary L. Ackerman told the pampered executives. "It's almost like seeing a guy show up at the soup kitchen in a tall hat and tuxedo. I mean, couldnt you all have downgraded to first class or jet-pooled or something to get here?"

 

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