Posted by
Slammy
15 yrs ago
Hi Dadda,
Nothing "concrete" has happened so you can't confront her about anything.
I think you just need to react as and when certain situations arise... for example, you could have told her "would you please leave the room while I get dressed?" - and that would have given her a hint.
You only have subtle clues that lead you to believe she is flirting, but if you react immediately to those "clues" then I'm sure she would get the hint that you are not interested. And by react, I don't mean confront - because she can easily deny that anything is going on because - well, nothing has actually happened.
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What is your marriage status..are you single? This makes a big difference in how I would handle the situation. But for now, you should pretend nothing happened and carry on as usual
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Simply ask her not to go into your bedroom/bathroom when you are there, tell her you would like some privacy, don't give her the option of keeping her hand anywhere when handing you something, if you have to be rude and snatch things away from her, then do that. always make sure she knows who is the boss, and that as long as she does her work and no more then she will respect you for it. Finally if she carries on trying to flirt, then tell her you don't like it, you have no interest in her exept for the job as DH, If you are single she could be after a ticket to the west, and if married she could cause a lot of problems. Just put her in her place in no uncertain terms, or sack her.
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As she is new, you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps her last employer didn't mind her being in the room when she got changed and she is just assuming that you don't either and is just carrying on performing her duties.. I think with helpers, you have to tell them at the outset how you would like everything done and be quite precise about it. I would ignore the hand incident. I really don't think she would be stupid enough to jeopardise a new job by flirthing with her employ (or maybe I am wrong).
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mdap
15 yrs ago
well if you fancy her have some secret fun with her and lead a more exciting life ......
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dadda..i don't know how long you've been in hong kong, and forgive me if i sound too harsh- and certainly 99% domestic helpers aren't like that- but some have their hots for any expats that come in cash and passports. u got the picture.
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dadda, have a word with her and make her understand the situation.
to the others, i am sad to see how low you think of helpers. people from third world nations as seen as gold diggers and look at foreigners as an easy ticket to the west? it may be true, but it's not fair to give a generalization. are people here from hong kong really snobs with their noses up high???
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Also, I would be very careful of an entrapment. She might lead you on then extort you in anyway possible. My earlier advice stands...ignore her and carry on.
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dadda ~ I am presuming you are not naive ... so, you have either totally imagined what happened, or your helper was well and truly coming on to you. If the latter, personally I would mention to your wife what happened ... and let her deal with it, or deal with it together! If you decide to keep it to yourself, and it happens again, you could find yourself in a sticky situation if your wife finds out ... especially if you haven't mentioned it to her ... she may wonder why??
I know some of the above posts have suggested that some people think lowly of helpers ... but she either did it, or she didn't. It's not that difficult to know the difference .......
If you were my husband, and she was my helper, I'd want to know what you thought happened .... and I'd be totally p#@@*d if you hadn't told me and I later found out! Good luck with it!
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Hi Dadda,
I agree with Sapphire's point about mentioning your suspicions to your wife. If you don't, then later on if more things keep happening, your wife might wonder why you kept your suspicions from her. Always better to be totally open about everything.
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FKKC
15 yrs ago
Please act immediately to Sapphire's advice. It is very very wise to have total communication with your spouse regarding these touchy incidents.
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If YOU are not certain why transmit your worries onto your wife who is likely to react in a horrified way and jump to conclusions.. ... then the poor helper won't stand a chance at a woman's wrath ( I'm female). Better you speak to her first and mention that if anything happens again you will be forced to discuss it further with your wife. Presume innocent before jumping off the deep end and permit one warning ..she may have misread your intentions. Everyone can make mistakes and even feel that it was worth a try-it's now your job to put the picture clear YOURSELF.
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The guy walked out of his own bathroom into his own bedroom NAKED for goodness sake, not knowing that anyone was there ... and the helper didn't leave the room immediately???!! Instead, she carried on making the bed?? Sorry, but any helper I have ever known ... or any other person for that matter, would have the decency to leave the room ... probably highly embarrassed. My only criticism would be the fact that dadda may not have asked her to leave the room ... I'm guessing he probably grabbed his clothes and retreated to the privacy of the bathroom ... probably highly embarrassed?? Either way, I find it hard to believe that the helper had the gall to stay in the bedroom when her employer has just accidentally walking in NAKED. Even if he'd had the towell wrapped around him, she should still have had the decency to leave. I think dadda is pretty certain about what happened ... he just doesn't know how to deal with it. There is nothing innocent about staying in your employers bedroom when he has just walked in naked!
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With our helpers, I have always said from the start that they are not to go to the bedrooms or bathrooms until my husband and children have left for the day. I am sure you could reword the rule to include some impromptu shower moments. BTW Dadda, you seem to be having as much luck with helpers as me!
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dadda, I feel for you. You have had a bad run with helpers and kudos for you for going there again after your last issues.
I would simply tell her that the bedroom does not need to be tidied until you are finished in there. There are other chores for her to do I'm sure.
I'm sending you a pm.
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crystalflower,
thank u very much, it's really great to hear that someone doesn't think that helpers are golddiggers.
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I like Flashback's advice. Get your wife to talk to the helper instead of doing it yourself. (Depending on your wife's reaction and tolerance, this can still be a cordial conversation.) I'm sure your helper will understand the underlying message - not just that her actions are inappropriate but completely unwelcome as well. Also by engaging your wife into the situation, there's less chance she will overreact and get upset with you. Good luck.
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Come on, Marky,let's hear them.
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The helper might not have seen you naked thats why she stayed in the bedroom. If you are sure she saw you when you waked out of the bathroom why didnt you asked her to leave? any employer has the right to order the maid to get out of the room anytime especially when you are naked. Some people doesnt have as much common sense as us so we need to tell them what we are thinking or expecting. If she saw you naked then should have had said sorry and left. ARE YOU SURE SHE SAW YOUR NAKED BODY??? if yes then you have to talk to her and make yourself clear that you dont like what she is trying to do and that youre not interested. I am a wife too and i dont think its necesary to talk to your wife about it unless you are sure she is flirting.
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why are people so intent on overanalysing straightforward situations? Dadda, you were uncomfortable with the situations. Talk to your wife. Decide between you how to talk to the helper. Communicate with each other. Easy.
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common sense dictates here. dadda are you just winding us up!!!! Really!
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zalca
15 yrs ago
you need to let your wife know what happened and make sure there are appropriate boundaries in place for the helper. if your wife wants her to go, i'd let her go.
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Dadda...Becareful...she might accuse you of harrashment and can get money from you. She should know how to knock, or set rules not to go to your room unless you call her. This people are only Helpers..but they are clever too.
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Nothing is wrong with the helper if she really tried to get a ticket to the better future. Its understandable!
BUT you are not single, you have wife and baby. If she really tried with YOU, tell your wife as early as possible!!! Fire her Immediately!!! We have enough this kind of stories with not happy end here in Hong Kong.
Probably she knew that you were in the bathroom and INTENTIONALLY went there just after you finished show!!! One of the tricks!!! (Maybe I'm wrong)
Please consider all the advices above (from other people also) seriously. If you didn't tell you wife, and didn't undertake anything, she will not give up, if she has the intention to get you or your money! Be careful! Good luck for all of you!
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observe further for the benefit of a doubt
as if those instances are grave....
hand touch - might be accidental, or maybe she did it in purpose but not having intention of flirting
the room incident - we'll she's already there when you get in. new as she is, she might got so confused thus not knowing what to do.....
maybe... just maybe....
and for God's sake, she's 40!!!!
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"and for God's sake, she's 40!!!!"
So is my wife. And she is still very hot. My point is that 40 is hardly "over the hill" anymore.
I will grant, though, that the "gold digging helper" is more likely to be 20 something.
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My helper is now 57, but when she was turned 40yrs, she met a holiday maker hear in HK, she was invited back to UK where she stayed for 1 month, she said he wanted to marry her, (he was an older divorsee), but she was married back in Phils, and has 5 children, she thought that because she was seperated there, not divorced that she could legally marry this man in the UK because it is a different country. Well that little romance was a dream of hers which didn't transpire!, but she still thinks to this day that she could have married him and lived happily ever after in Ramsgate. She is still not divorced because Catholic church frowns on this,but just to prove that at turned 40yrs, she still had ideas of a better life, even if it did mean being unfaithful to her husband and family. Not all ladies are like this.
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it is so simple and yet you make it seem so complicated. You could have just said pls. excuse so the helper can just go out. And with some people saying that these helpers used these men as tickets for success, I think it is unfair. It takes two to tango.These men may have seen qualities in them as good partners. And as always.never generalize,be it w/ age or race,or the work anyone does. God, open your eyes and you will see that not only these helpers are after money or success, everyone IS.
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GOOD POINT ARLINA. I LIKE YOU.
HEY WHY THE MYSTERY MAN DOESNT ANSWER MY QUESTION?
ARE YOU SURE THAT THE MAID SAW YOU WHEN YOU WALKED OUT OF THE BATHRROM NAKED?
WHY DIDNT YOU ASKED HER TO GET OUT?
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lace
15 yrs ago
There is no need to shout here.
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SORRY LACE. I AM NOT TRYING TO SHOUT. ITS JUST THAT THE COMPUTER IM USING IS BROKEN. TAKE IT EASY :D
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defending is not the right word, duh.... Anyone's answer here ,just shows what kind of a person you are.
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Or how unfortunate you are with your encounters with filipino helpers. Maybe they feel the same towards you, you just don't realize it as you are probably on top of the world.
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Dadda,
I think some helpers really don't think of it like that - just like the cleaning lady who cleaned the toilets at my previous school. Young men would come in and use the urinal and she would be right there, polishing the mirrors. I think she had just switched off to it.
Another example - my previous helper was good and modest but one time she walked in on my father-in law while he was in the shower. She did leave the room immediately without being asked, but what really got us all wondering was why she went in there in the first place?! The shower was running (we could all hear the sound of it clearly) and the door was closed (which in our house signifies that the bathroom is in use). When she came out, her facial expression was normal, not embarrassed. Me and my husband and Nai-nai were all in the living room and we were all astonished, since that helper was a very shy person. But since we knew that she couldn't possibly be flirting with Ye-ye we just dismissed the incident and felt sorry for him!
As for your helper touching your hand, I would put that in the same category. If I were you I would not have a word with her unless you get something more concrete. But I would mention the matter to your wife, not in a serious way but just to let her know, so that neither you nor she feel that you're keeping something from her. Lastly, if your helper is 'switched off' to this kind of stuff, if she ever does walk in on you again, you just need to calmly ask her to leave and later (when you're dressed) mention to her that she must never be in your bedroom at the same time as you.
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Dadda,
OK, so she needs to come in your room to change your toddler - then I would modify the explanation (if you ever have to give it - it may never come up again) to say something like "you must never be alone with me in my bedroom". This kind of clear statement should prevent any further embarrassment!
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we are all here giving piece of our mind,so WOWOWEE, no need to tell me which side to take. ,it just shows your attitude towards people in general. PERIOD!
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so..... Im curiuos. Any further incidence dada??
real life story
My friend, knowing that she's alone in the house, went out from the bathroom after a shower, with only a towel wrapped around her. To her amazement and embarassment, when she stepped out, the male boss was in the living room. Too late to hide, she went directly to her room to change. When she came out, the boss talked with her. He told her not repeat such incidence coz he might get the wrong impression. Then the helper asked for an apology. End of the issue. Gentleman as he is, he didn't bring the incidence in public for them to gossip about.
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A slightly different take: A lot of people posting here are doing so with very western biases. Not everyone is as squeamish about nudity. I knew a helper whose male employer would always walk around the house naked. (He was young, and the helper was much older .. he wasn't trying anything if that's what some people were thinking). In addition, he had several local girlfriends who would also sometimes walk around the house naked (not at the same time! - he was very careful that they didn't learn of each other). Neither he nor his various girlfriends were shy about being naked in the presence of the helper. Perhaps your helper is accustomed to people like this.
That said, the hand touching incident definitely sounds like flirting to me. While I am a big advocate of full and complete communication, I would not tell this to my wife. You're not sure of her intentions, and your wife might draw her own conclusions and act in accordance with those beliefs that might or might not be true. A person's job is at risk. Best to avoid any further advances so she knows they are not welcome. I would eventually tell my wife, but only after some time had passed. Either after the helper has proven herself over time and you and your wife can laugh about your assumptions, or after you've moved on to a new helper. The incident is minor enough that it can be brushed off til later, imo. However, if she had, say kissed you or groped you, then yeah you should probably tell your wife asap bc she ain't gonna be laughing about THAT when it comes out later.
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"A slightly different take: A lot of people posting here are doing so with very western biases. Not everyone is as squeamish about nudity."
Well, I don't know about "Western biases". We Scandinavians are pretty casual about nudity and we're pretty Western. ;) Jokes notwithstanding, you make a good point.
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"Eliminate the threat, get a new helper and put in place proper house rules.."
most stupid and heartless idea. the next helper will sure have a fault. then what? fire her again? then again... and again... ang again!!!! do you people know how much money we spend in coming to work here. oh yeah yeah, who cares.
Think you already got enough good advices in here. Maybe its time to come forward and say "okay those are just secluded incidence, the helper is not flirting really hahahihi" or "talked with the helper, now the problem is resolved"
and to wowowee, oh my willie, wow you can't ba a filipino right!?!?!!?
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Get rid! I can't believe she would try something under your wife's nose!! If you were single I may understand she may want to try her luck but if you have child/ren and a wife......Whilst I know not all helpers are like this, the few that are end up tarnishing the reputation of all!! That's why I don't have a helper any more even though I have a largish family and a dog!! Too many games are played!!!
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dadda how old u are? just wondering coz maybe she just treating u as her own son, so she dont mind seeing u naked,a lot of western people they walked around the house naked!best thing dadda talk to her...
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U know what wowowee U HAVE NO HEART! wish u dont have a helper!
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still ongoing for the obvious ...?
I was not on site, but in a way of logical thinking...
1. The lady (in this case the domestic helper) was not there as he went into the room. She came in because she knew he was taking a shower, she could hear the water running. She knew he finished because the water stop running. She didn't leave...(is she waiting for the naked man?)
Result: No reaction of the Man (in this case the employer). OK, hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, there could be a chance for me, let's try more, and then...
2. She touched him unnecessarily.
3. "40 years old" could be still very hot. But she has to take action now to catch almost the last chance. Could it be the truth?
4. If dadda didn't feel to be flirted, he will not put the issue here. He is not from kindergarten, just like you and me.
Who is heartless here?
The man is married and has wife and BABY!
Who tried here to make a women without husband or a BABY without mum/or dad?
If this lady is a OL, a Western, a Chinese... what are you gonna to say? The flirting could be in the office, on the street or on holiday...
(I mean general, no specific person)
Its not OK trying to separate the married man from his wife and children, whatever who it is. Its heartless without doubt.
Sofar my assumption. Do we have chance to figure out what the lady will like to tell us? It could be another story, maybe.
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It is so interesting what people post here.
Dadda, I hope you have told your wife ( as a wife myself I would like to know) and it talking to your wife on this issue would help you out the most as you both have to live with your helper and she is taking care your child. All everyone can do is assume and give you ideas but in the end it how and what you feel about the whole ordeal. If you feel violated that she seen you naked then it's time for you to let her go as your feelings may not go away ( even if she might not have done anything wrong ) but the fact is that if you still have have issues on the past events it's hard to have her in your home ~ how can you really rest ? so no matter how you want to ignore the problem it won't go away if it's in your system!
If this isn't the problem then just see how things go, if she does put moves on you then, i do believe it's time for her to go! You have a family and you don't need any drama going on in your life esp. you got a little one ( unless you do ` but obviouly you don't as you started this thread )
As for the gold digger comment ~ i THINK gold diggers come in all shapes and sizes ( use your common sense ) not only helpers. Helpers are people too ( to all those who treat helpers like they aren't humans ) and they could fall in love like what people do !
Anyways Good luck Dadda!
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Presumably Dadda is a grown man who is able to ask/indicate for someone to leave the room if necessary.
Its a question of privacy and boundaries.
What would you do in a hotel room, for instance?
Its an employee and if she needs to be told how to behave then tell her? Same as how to set a table correctly or show some nouse by keeping out when you are in the shower. The flat/house isn't a free-for-all. Same as you would tell your own sister!
Shut the door?
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Ed
15 yrs ago
Whoooaa... some of these people????
There isnt a day that passes that I regret not having mixed parents so I could be mixed 'breed' too. And I know plenty of people from the west are pleased as can be to have a mixed child...
Just a reminder... we are very against anti-racism on this site - I've even taken the time to make my own Reject Racism site http://www.asiaxpat.com/racism/
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Amazing stereotyping here! Submariner was spot on with the western biases. I remember years ago, early 90's in Korea I was taken aback by the shared toilets in buildings. I was equally amazed at women cleaning toilets while males were using them. Even in the Turkish bath houses women were walking through while naked males lounged about. It was considered normal and speaking with some people from PH who were in Korea at the time (and in a conversation yesterday as it happens) this is normal in parts of the Philippines as well. So for the bedroom incident there are 3 ways to look at it:
1. It's normal where she comes from
2. She was embarrassed and didn't know what to do
3. She does want something more
It's also extremely plausible that because of this one incident the hand touching could be considered with more thought than necessary. The woman in the 7-11 brushed my hand for longer than I thought necessary the other day but I thought nothing of it!
So overall it could be something, it could be nothing. Jumping to conclusions will not help and some of the biases here are bordering on the ridiculous.
And agreed with Ed's comments, I'm as happy as anything having mixed kids of my own.
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Agree with evildeeds on all counts but especially on loving those mixed "breed" kids of ours!
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FKKC
15 yrs ago
My niece has a mixed "breed" daughter and she is the loveliest little girl I've ever seen. She drew people's attention with her beauty and poise - and she's so cute and really adorable!!!
Sorry to be off the topic from the O.P. but cannot help to add in this fact.
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Ed
15 yrs ago
I am getting a sense of implied racism here so I think we need to straighten this out...
Some may think a baby produced by someone of the same race is superior to a baby produced by another race - or a mixed race union.
These generalizations are complete nonsense and in some respects dangerous because they assume some sort of superiority of race. There are without question superior persons in EVERY RACE - and there are bigots and idiots in every race (and nationality).
Let's cut the crap and get on with life - and treat people on merit - because guess what - we are all one race - the HUMAN RACE. Some of us are better some of us our worse - so take a look in the mirror...cuz that's all that matters.
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Ed
15 yrs ago
Wooowaaahweee is banned...
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Well! I'm sure you enjoyed the encounter, and still feeling the thrill but not sure what to do next 'cause something might back fire. I don't suppose you are thinking of; Wham, bam thank you maam. If you are, DON'T, as this will not end in one go.
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after reading everyones coment ......no one ask dadda where was the baby when helper in his bedroom....she was doing the bed and he was in shower.my Q is where was the baby? may be the baby was in bed room so she is in bed room too checking on baby and doing bed and he enter naked from bath to bedroom.... good story...any point of view i did not find fault in helper ....if dadda was naked and enter the room then dadda sould tell her to go out till he get dress...can any one clap in one hand? the ans is no.u need two hand to clap... many said and even i here these kind of story maids flirt with there employer and then the employer leve there wife and marry maid...if the employer is good and dont have any feelings towords the helper ... helper cant force him... frist of all dadda sould not have bring this topic in public ... same on dadda.. she cant rape him unless he wants to get raped ....very simple thing to do is ask helper to leve the room...and when get dress talk to helper and say in polite way that i did expect u not to be in bed room when i am in shower...or when going for bath lock the bed room so no one can enter...
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I have to write something, coz of the baby! You said that everything is fine now. Did you let your wife herself alone talk to her? You said that you have a baby. Do you know how some people (including some of DH) will release their anger / frustration? They will not go to LFK for a cup of beer. Are you new in HK and never heard of scary stories about what the DH did to the babies? (I don't mean all the DHs) Babies and small children havn't chance to defend themself. Hopefully your DH didn't belong to the people who will let the babies suck on their toes (helper's toes) and meanwhile hanging on the cell phone. (even worse?). If, only if, if your DH has the expectation to become your wife and now her expectation turns to be water on the floor, will she be happy? If I was in your / or your wife's position, I will let her go immediately, even I have to lose money.
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I have no intention to offend anyone. I myself went to LFK sometimes for a cup of cocktail.
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doi
15 yrs ago
Dadda,
wow???10years in hongkong, then acted like seems your new. Well I had few minutes to read this nasty words. seem 10year old attitude,,,I know you know what I mean. Old knows how to act well....It is really hard to judge if we were not there...Good luck hopefully no more 10years old later....
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FKKC
15 yrs ago
Yes, dadda is a very CONFUSED '10 year old attitude' person. Keep imagining - it's good for staying young!
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FKKC
15 yrs ago
dadda
So many posts from you on different forums also and you always change & delete them to your likings. Avoiding the truth is BAD!
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FKKC
15 yrs ago
dadda,
Stop sulking like a 10 year old kid. Don't lie - it's not the only thread you have ever deleted - you should know!!
I am going out today so behave yourself.
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I think you did the right thing dadda. Of all people, you're the ones who knows if your helper's doing the moves in purpose.
We definitely feel when someone tries to do a move on us and we feel uncomfortable towards it.
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YOU ARE ONLY A DIRTY MINDED PERSON DADDA!AND ITS NOT GOOD TO HEAR A MAN LIKE YOU IS A GOSSIPER! BE RESPECTABLE!TALK TO YOUR HELPER,AND BE A GOOD AND SMART EMPLOYER TO HER SO THAT SHE GONNA RESPECT YOU!FLIRTING?I DONT THINK SO!
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HA HA HA HA HAHAAAAAA! sorry can't help it!!!!!!!
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does anyone else get the feeling many "posters" on this website are in fact the same individual; perhaps suffering from multiple personality disorder and way too much time on their hands?
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hello dadda,
how are u? been a while...
so your newly imported (that one who took so long to arrive) maid is flirting with u?
sorry i didnt read all of the postings, i can imagine the funny comments/views of everyone.
gotten to a point those are scary... haha.
-----
my last helper walks out the guest bathroom wrapped in a towel to firt w/ my husband.
she stand in front of my getting dressed husband the mornings i am still in bed
she flirts with sms every night till wee hours
after termination, still pursue my husband's love
heard was hired and terminated again, and still pursuing like crazy for my husband's love
---------------
dadda, is yr new helper looking for some love?
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