2y4m boy crying in kindergarten HELP PLEASE!!

My boy (2 years 4 months old) started pre-nursery in kindergarten 2&1/2 weeks ago. He has been crying a lot in kindergarten, yelling my helper and my name inside his classroom for the whole 3 hours daily. He was O.K. on the first 3 days when we were allowed in to accompany him. He is O.K. when he gets home and there is no sign that he is under stress.

He had been attending playgroups/baby classes for more than 1 year which he enjoyed totally (when he was accompanied in the class).

What should I do now, should I withdraw him from the kindergarten and send him back to the playgroup? But there is no guarantee that he won't do it if he starts again next year. Or should I just wait and see? Has anyone had similar experiences with their kids?

It is very distressing for me as a mum(I work full time)and my helper who sits outside his classroom to hear him cry for 3 hours daily (she is not allowed to go in at all).

AH, my heart goes out to you. It is hard leaving them knowing they are upset. Maybe your son isn't ready to be left on his own yet. Boys do tend to be abit more clingy. Also does your son know that your helper is outside ? They do tend to carry on crying if they know someone is outside the room waiting for them.

My son (3 1/2)just started K1 yesterday and I know he enjoys it but this morning I probably lingered for a bit too long and he started up wanting me to stay with him... I made a quick exit and he was fine.

Go with your heart, if you feel he is not ready then take him back to playgroup where he is happy. He is still very young and he will have plenty of time ahead of him to be "independent"! Good Luck.

I think you need to discuss the situation with his teacher and probably the principal on how to make his transition into kindergarten less stressful to him. If he has a favorite blanket that he can take in the class with him, he might feel less stressed. Or maybe you can invite one of his classmates from school for a playdate so he'll feel less overwhelmed in class.


I'm a little surprised that the teacher will not allow the helper to come in and calm your child or at least bring your son out to her to calm him down as I'm sure that his crying disrupts the rest of the class.


I hope that he is able to adjust soon as I know how heartbreaking it is to hear our kids cry and not be able to do anything about it.


Good Luck!

Could be the school. When my daughter was that age, I also sent her to a kindergarten. In her case, it was because she couldn't understand anything (a Chinese school). So she cried the whole time and became physically disruptive. The teacher couldn't handle her. After 2 weeks, I took her out and put her in Montessori. She was fine after that. Sometimes it is the school.

I just finished dealing with my daughter crying (until she threw up on the teacher everyday) for 2 weeks. She finally stopped this week. However, my daughter is 3 years old. (just turned 3). Isn't your child a little too young for Kindergarten? I thought the minimum age is 2 years and 8 months to be in the K1. I thought the laws for a child to be in any class setting in HK is minimum 2 years and 8 months. So, I am wondering why your child is already in kindergarten. Is it playgroup?

My daughter went to International playgroup and pre-nursery for 18 months, and now 3 years old, in K1. However, now she's in Kentville, a traditional school. She doesn't know any chinese at all, so it was culture shock, separation anxiety, language barrier/ shock and change of environment, and going to school everyday ..... it's tough on the little one.


I personally think your child is too young to be in school by himself. You can wait until 3 years old (fully) before sending him to kindergarten again. Every month makes a big difference.

Hi katclarke,pzam,MC & Katetam,

Thank you so much for all your expert opinions and kind comments. I would take your valuable advice and go to the kindergarten to "work it out" with the principal and teachers.

Katclarke, my boy does not know that my helper is waiting outside, she always pretends to leave first before she comes back to sit outside his classroom.

Katetam, it's a real kindergarten with pre-nursery, K1, K2 and K3 in it. My boy is in pre-nursery and by laws in HK kids in pre-nursery can start as young as 18 months.

Dear ladies (and gentlemen, just in case), you are absolutely right. I should go with my heart. I am prepared to withdraw my boy from that kindergarten and put him back to the playgroups/baby classes that he had been going to if things don't work out.

Once again thanks!!

it's never easy knowing the right thing to do in this situation. go with your instinct and never forget that you know your son the best.

good luck ! ps. 2.5 weeks is not long. give it a bit longer- he's just adjusting to new enviros/.

activehealth--you're a good mum to be thinking of your child's distress in this way. I would want to feel my daughter was "ready" and happy to be in a classroom environment on her own too--and mine's not on her own yet. One thing that came up when I was doing all sorts of adoption related reading, was that children who have had a normal, healthy opportunity to attach ("bond"), are generally ready to START to spend time away from their primary caregiver at around the age of 3 1/2. Which, of course, is later than most kids in HK start to be on their own. But if your child is distressed, it's very NORMAL for his age and could well be a sign that he has a good attachment--which would be really good. He doesn't need to be ready to be on his own yet, that'll come soon enough. (And then, in a few short years, you'll wish he needed you more...)

My daughter was in Playgroups/pre-programmes (pre-K1) until 2 years and 10 months. Took 2 months summer holiday.... so here we are at 3 years old, K1.


All the kindergartens I applied for indicate that K1 accepts children 2 years and 8 months and up.


18 months- 2 years and 8 months are playgroups/pre-nursery. (Guess every school calls it different). But your child is in K1 next year then... so if he's not ready for playgroup alone.... then it's alright. However, let him try again for another week before giving up I guess.


Your child should be born in 2003 in to be in K1.

My son was 2 yrs, 4 months when we arrived in HH and enrolled him in a playgroup. He cried every day, and then began crying whenever we would go anywhere near the playgroup facility. I was just as concerned as you are. I decided to go with my gut and switch schools. It actually made a world of difference. There have been absolutely no tears at the new school. The new place allows me to stay if he wants me to - but he only requested that the first couple of days. Now he says goodbye happily at the door. I think sometimes it may just be a bad match between the school/staff and the child.

activehealth, I can relate to you. My little girl is also 24 months old and is going to pre-nursery classes at a local school. Prior to this, she was attending a playgroup at an international school twice a week. She's been crying daily too. She's better in the past few days in that she doesn't cry when she leaves school - she just says, "Mummy sits there" indicating that I'm sitting outside her school waiting for her. But I hear from her teachers that she occasionally cries for me but stops when they explain to her that I'm outside.

I'm wondering the same thing... whether or not it's too early to send her to school. I was waitlisted to get into this local school and I feel bad withdrawing her from it... but I also feel bad keeping her there.

I'm going to give her another 2 weeks to see how she goes.

I'm a working mum.... so I'm not home during the day...the idea of sending her to preschool is that so she can learn something and mingle with other kids.... international playgroup isn't an option for me because I can't afford it.

I'm yet to decide whether or not she's crying because she doesn't like the school, needs adjusting, not ready or because of language barrier. She too doesn't really understand Chinese. Although in the past 2 weeks, I've heard her saying a few chinese words.

As a mother, I think I'll feel guilty anyway whatever I do. I keep her there and I feel like I'm torturing her. I stop her schooling and I feel guilty because I'm working and she's got not much stimulation at home.

Anyway I'm going to wait and see..... hopefully things will work out for us both.

this is an interesting thread. mine is 6 months but considering sending him to playgroup/half daycare when he is 18 months so that i can have at least 1/2 day to:

1) BREATHE

2) work part-time

3) manage another baby (if we have another by then)

we have no helper, no plans to hire one.


but with this thread...might have to think if 18 months is too soon.


activehealth: do what makes you and your child happy and tear-free, good luck!

One of the great challenges of motherhood/parenthood is figuring out what is "best" for your child. I'm of the opinion there isn't ONE "best" but actually best is sort of a wide road of options vs. a thin line of a single option. What works for some children doesn't work for all. And we have to do the best with what we can. Some of us work, some of us don't have helpers, some of us have multiple children and other reasons which cause us to make certain decisions.


I sent my daughter to school at 21 months. I work and was about to have my second baby and didn't want my older one to feel like I was "kicking her out" right when the baby was born, so I made special arrangements with her playschool to send her there for only 1 hour a day for the first few weeks. She didn't cry until the fourth day and then they said she cried for 45 minutes. I sent her for an hour for about three weeks. By the end of the third week she began to understand that although I was gone, I would come back. (leaving while she was bawling caused me to go and sit on a chair and cry my eyes out too.)


At the start of week 4, she was willing to go to school and started to go for two hours. The teacher felt she was ready so by week 5 she was there for four hours including her lunch.


My daughter has been going now for 8 months (she's in an all day program) and I would say that the first two months are hard. But because I did it slowly and surely it was a very smooth transition. the teachers at her school informed me that she adjusted better than other students because I arranged to do it slowly. (some students were going there all day from the get go) My daughter loves going, is learning her mother tongue Korean and has a blast. Today I took her to school, and she got there, ran in and didn't even look back at me. She was shouting "friend friend" in Korean and bouncing down the hall. The teachers are very good to her and everyday she comes home with a big smile.


Because my daughter has adjusted well, doesn't mean that I don't constantly reevaluate and consider what she is doing. She went through a period when she didn't want to go and during that time I wondered if I was doing the right thing sending her. I considered not sending her anymore, and suddenly she wanted to go again.


You are doing the right thing by re-evaluating what you are doing. If you feel that the kindergarten is good for him I would just cut the hours that he is there and start increasing it slowly. Three hours is a long time - and so start with 1 hour, and as soon as your helper goes there and picks him up have her explain, "See - I came back." Get him used to it and then gradually increase time. AT 2 years old he's aware of his environment, understands that there are other people in the world and he is probably sensitive to all that he has to absorb - new people, new friends, new toys, new environment. Slow doses will probably be easier to handle. Also talk to your school - they should have experience in handling this. (your child is NOT the only child who cries when being left alone.) What do they do for other students? What do they recommend?


Good luck.

HKCC--such a nice, helpful, supportive response. Far better than mine for when a child NEEDS to be in school at a young age.


I was really thinking of the parent who's placed their young child in a school setting without a carer because it's what children DO in HK. It IS young for many children. But for many families it's also the best of the alternatives, and you've helped to make the transition as smooth as possible for the child.

Just an update of the latest situation. Two days ago, my boy had a hoarse voice from crying/screaming in the class and had been having nightmares screaming "no.no..." in the middle of the night. He refused to put on the uniform in the morning and started screaming when we tried to force him.


I wrote an e-mail to the kindergarten to explain all these and asked for their special permission to let my helper in to sit in with him for the time being. With the effort of fading out the support gradually. Plus asked for an appointment to meet the principal and the teachers involved face to face to work things out. Today, they allowed my helper to go in and sat with my boy and that made him much calmer. However, he screamed again when my helper left the room to go to bathroom.


HKCC-I think that you are absolutely correct. It is very important to make kids understand that they are not going to be left behind. So I told my helper that she has to tell my boy "I am going out but I'll come back" before she leaves my boy and "see, I came back" upon her return.


My thoughts-thank you very much for your nice compliments. You cheered me up a lot. As I was quite down before, thinking that I am a hopeless mother who has made a bad decision and can't handle problems at all.


May C-we are definitely in the same boat. I suggest that you can write the kindergarten a letter to ask them to help and organize a meeting to meet the teaching staffs. I felt much better after talking to the teachers face to face to work things out.


I am ever so grateful to all of you who have actively participated in the discussion and have contributed heaps of ideas, support, etc. so that I know how to handle the situation.

Activehealth, my daughter was unwell yesterday and didn't go to school. She seemed so much happier and was back to her old self again. Today as we were carting her off to school, she started being clingy again and kept repeating she wanted to go "kai kai". Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. She now has less time with her grandparents (they want to play for an hour or so but don't want to take care) and she misses out on her snack time and nap. The idea was to put her in an environment where she could learn and have fun with other kids.

Now I'm not so sure.....

I'm thinking whether or not to pull her out and then let her try again in February.

Whatever decision you make, just remember that the purpose of preschool is for the enjoyment and enrichment of your child. I'd encourage you to do what feels right, to go with your gut instinct. I had one that just didn't want to go, and I decided to go with my gut and I didn't force her to go. At the time, I caught all kinds of grief and weathered grim predictions that she would never be socialized, etc. I compromised in that I found two friends who also had children near in age to her, and we formed a small informal playgroup to meet at each others' houses one morning per week for two hours. The benefit was that we mommies could socialize and gab while our daughters played. Two years later, at age five, my daughter enthusiastically jumped into kindergarten with two feet and has been a social butterfly ever since. Worries about failure to become independent etc were totally unfounded! Many years later, when she was more able to voice her feelings and memories in a verbal way, my daughter told me her memories of that time. She experienced the teacher as cold and uncaring. Apparently the teacher had also said something privately to her that the teacher would not have said in the presence of another adult. (Unfortunately sometimes if a teacher doesn't want other adults around, that's a bad sign about what may be going on in the class!) My daughter said that when I had pulled her out, she had been relieved that she could trust me to be responsive to her needs and believe in her feelings. ON THE OTHER HAND, I had another daughter who was ready to go to preschool at age 2 and cried on days when she couldn't go. And, I've been helper in classes when it was obvious a crying child was just being manipulative -- somehow there's a fine line in judgment between figuring out if the crying is real or not (the fake crying really does disappear within a few minutes and leave zero evidence of distress, whereas the real crying does not stop and it does leave the child heaving with sobs). I'd encourage you to listen closely to what your child is telling you, observe whether you believe it's real or not, see if you can find any reason for distress(recognizing that some reasons won't be apparent but may be real), and heed your instincts. Because your relationship of trust with your child is more important than any particular year or timing issue with regard to the start of what is supposed to be a pleasant and enriching activity. And, in this case, you have a helper so it's not entirely necessary for sanity as well, I suppose? It may seem that I'm advocating for pulling him out, but I'm not really, I'm just saying listen closely, put a lot of weight on what seems to be the clear signals you're getting from your child, and either address the trust and reasons for separation anxiety issues, or don't be afraid to just say it's not working and we'll try again next year. I hope you don't have as substantial a financial investment in this venture as the amount I forfeited when my daughter refused to go!

Meiquoren, you're a wise mum. And it's nice to see a perspective from a few years out.