Bullying!!!

I have a 5 yr old daughter who loved going to school until recently, her best friend has started bullying and dominating her,my daughter says that she scolds her ,bit her nose once, locked her in the toilet, always wants to play only what she likes etc. I spoke to her friend and told her to behave and be good friends.

My daughter is not the shy kinds but has a very strong sense of right and wrong.I told dd not to compain and to handle things herself coz I don't want her to be a softie. They travel in the same bus, sit & play together etc. Whats the right approach?

I had a similar problem with my son and although you may not want to interfere because it might make your daughter a softie, I think there are times when parents do need to step in especially when bullying is involved.

Hi turtle1,

I have spoken to her friend and also have given her a warning, what I mean is at the same time I want my daughter also to learn and handle things,she is a confident girl and I don't want her to loose that.What was ur approach?

With my son it was a clear cut case of bullying which I took up with my son's class teacher who in turn took it up with the head of junior school etc etc.


My son hasn't lost any confidence because of this and I think, if anything, it's made him realize that there are times when he has to come to me for help. I have made a point of telling him that he shouldn't expect me to help him if it's a fist fight on the playground but this time it was a little more serious than that.


I think most kids go through the "I'm your friend today but not tomorrow" stage and there's nothing wrong with that but things like having your nose bitten or getting locked in the bathroom isn't acceptable.

Why don't you also point out to your daughter that she doesn't have to be friends with this girl, or with anybody who is a bully? It can only improve her confidence to know that she a choice in this kind of situation. Also, shunning is a pretty effective way of weeding unacceptable behavior out of a society.

I think Z has a very good idea. Ask your daughter to ignore this friend of hers and stop playing with her. When her friend realises that she's not getting the attention she seeks and is losing her friend, she may change.

I absolutely agree that your daughter should show friend that she will not tolerate her apalling behaviour and if possible choose to play with someone who is more appreciative of her firendship. Practice with her at home looking you right in the eye and saying in a fim voice "I don't like it when you hit me (or whatever the behaviour is) it hurts me (or whatever the response is) and then she should walk away. Getting her to practice this sort of repsonse will give her confidence when something does happen and give her independence when there is no teacher or bus mother to witness the behaviour. I think it is vital that children learn from an early age not be walked over by some very pushy and mean people - who if allowed to will continue to treat people like this all of their lives. There are some books for older girls that might help in the years to come. One is called Queen Bees and Wannabees and the other one is called Princess Bithface and it deals with all girl bullying which can tend to be more psychological than physical.

From a teacher's perspective, it's best for a parent to speak to a teacher directly about the bullying situation and let the teacher handle whatever is going on in school. I honestly don't think parents should speak to the "bullier" directly about the situation and tell them to "be friends and play nicely." No one wants to see mommy getting involved. For any parent, what i would advise, as some others already have, is to teach your child that he/she has the power of choice in this situation. They can choose who they want to play with and be "friends" with. Your daughter knows the difference between right and wrong. If she feels she is being mistreated, then your daughter can tell her friend how she feels about she's being treated, then walk away from her friend. In my class, I tell my students that they don't have to be friends with every person, but they do need to demonstrate respect. Most bullying comes from students who are seeking attention, whether positive or negative. By reacting in any which way, this child is getting what they are looking for. Help your children realize the power in having a choice and learning to make those choices for themselves. As much I know parents want to fight their battles for their kids...don't. Let the kids handle it themselves. More often than not, the situations will play themselves out.

Thanx everyone, actually I did tell dd that she had a choice and she din't have to be friends with her, she said she's scared of her!

Well like what u said teacher22, I'll speak to her teacher. Lets see.

Wow, well I've also had this problem with my kids. I agree that your speaking directly to the bully is "high risk" because (1) what if the bully just takes it out on your child (e.g. here's what happens to you if you tell an adult . . . ) and (2) you may be perceived as the bully (an adult threatening a child, and it's your word against theirs). I think it's best to talk to the teacher first and let the teacher observe and handle. But two times in our lives the teacher was unable to help. The first time, the bully was sneaky and made sure the teacher wasn't around before she did her thing. The second time, the child was so bad the teacher just couldn't be everywhere at once. So, plan B, C, and D. First plan of defense, we said, stay away from the bully. If they are on the swing set, you go to the gym, etc. Third plan we came up with was to shout loudly to draw attention to the bully's action. We rehearsed a script. Our child was instructed to SHOUT: "Susie! (or insert name of child), HITTING (insert name of action) IS BAD!" This is plan C because there was also a Plan B that backfired. Plan B was that (after the teacher NEVER saw anything happen) we finally gave our child permission to hit back. But one day, she did hit back, and the only thing the teacher saw was OUR child being the "aggressor" (hitting back). It turned into a "he said, she said" thing, and our child ended up being the one punished. That spurred us to go for Plan C, which was the most effective: We coached our daughter to shout very loudly in a way that would be sure to get the attention of an adult, say the name of the aggressor, and state the action. If done properly (loudly and fast), this would (1) alert the teacher, (2) name the bad action, and (3) let the teacher know our child was NOT the aggressor. ("Joey, HITTING IS BAD!") We did role playing to rehearse saying this in the right format and also yelling it loudly enough. Our daughter came home the very next day SO triumphant that she had done it! She relayed that she said, "Sally! Biting is bad!" I asked her, "So, what did the teacher say?" My daughter grinned and replied [the teacher had said], "Sally, YOU GO IN TIME OUT!" But our second child was such a pacifist she wouldn't even yell, so for one bully Daddy had to have a personal talk with the little boy and basically say, "If you ever lay a hand on my daughter you will be dealing with ME." It worked. That boy bullied other kids in the class after that but never again our second daughter (but that child was so bad that he was eventually kicked out of the school, is probably in an institution for sociopaths by now). This strategy of speaking directly to the child was definitely a last resort.

(Ahh, wish I had the answer to how to deal with sneaky grown up bullies!)