How to react to a 21 month-old's tantrum ?

My 21 month-old daughter started to have make some tantrums 3-4 weeks ago, mostly in the evening once I'm back from work she's very excited to see me, we play together etc and I also have to take care of my son, 7 months old now, and then she starts to lie down on the floor, and whine, and when I ask her 'what's wrong ?' she will only keep going on and on until she starts to really shout, but not crying ie no tear, only those stressful 'fake' cries.


I tried to talk to her gently, asking her what is the problem, nothing. I tried to ignore her, it just makes things worse, so after a day at work I usually end up shouting at her, which of course does not make her stop. The only way to make her stop crying is to give her her pacifier, but we have a policy of giving it to her only for sleeping. And I don't think it is the real solution anyway.


So I would like 2 types of advices:

- how to help her to calm down ?

- how to manage my anger and not shout at her ? I am not a patient person, I don't get much sleep at night because of the 2 babies, and I work all day, so I cannot help but snap in the evening when she starts a tantrum.

And I feel really bad about it after, because she is a very sweet little girl who deserves that I react appropriately.


I would really appreciate some practical advices.

Thanks

Sounds to me like more holding and rocking are in order. She can't tell you what's wrong (if she could, she would), she may not even know why she feels the way she does. Or, she may feel a lot of conflict between her love for the new baby and her own needs for mom. Another helpful book (besides the one above which is a gem) is by B. Brazelton although sorry I can't remember the name, perhaps "Your Child Birth to Age Three". When mine were that age I remember reading in that book, where he says a young child will save all their most intense emotional feelings and expressions for their mommy. They save their best love for mommy, but also she is the one they have such a relationship of trust with that they can entrust to her their worst emotions also -- so you will be the recipient of all the pent up anger (or whatever) that they don't feel secure enough to release on their daytime caregiver or others who are not totally committed to them. This little insight was like a light bulb for me (regarding my own daughter's little temper outbursts at me). Even now, when my kids come home in a fussy mood, I can sometimes say, "WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?!" and they will end up telling me about something bad that happened to them in their day. But the SHORT story is that (like Ruth) I think her expressions are an indication that a lot more cuddle and rocking time is needed. Just loving time. When I was working full time, I managed some of this by putting the child in bed with me at night. Indeed, the baby could nurse at night, and the toddler could cuddle, and it was truly a family bed! Then, when they were a bit older, I put the two children in bed together and they could cuddle with each other. THanks to this and also to the tips in How To Talk, there has never been (very much) jealousy and also they are as close as any two sisters can be. I realize family co-sleeping is not acceptable to some people, but that's what worked for me to add in those cuddle hours, and it might help you get more sleep, as well. I felt like it was a lifesaver for me when I was trying to figure out how to care for these two little ones and get enough sleep as well for myself! But also, you may just want to keep an ear to the ground about what if anything may have changed during the day to make her have this sudden change, although at 21 months a lot of emotional development is going on and she is becoming much more aware of her own desires as an independent person (hence part of why Ruth's suggestions about giving choices are such a great idea).