woeful mum

I could cry as I write this, I am at my witt's ends. My almost 5 year old son whines constantly, is never satisified with any food/present/outing/party/playdate that I give him. I have to remind him to smile if he likes something and to say something positive. He shouts at me when he's a tad uncomfortable with something. Every miniscule scratch/mosquito bite/bump is cause for loud, over the top howling and crying. When he's angry at me he tells me "I hope you get hurt! I hope you get very sick!" When I ask him a question I am ususally ignored until I shout. I'm a stay at home mom, I spend lots of time with my son. I do activities with him, I tell him constantly that I love him, I hug him (though sometimes a simple pat on his head sends him whinging at me for hurting him), I read to him, I explain everything and anything that he wants to know about. Nonetheless, this behavior of his is reserved mostly for me. He is an absolute angel with his grandparents and his father, and ofcourse at school. And he is very bright.To get a handle on him I've started being very firm, not letting things escalate and rather immediatly telling him if he doesn't listen to me he's going to get a punishment(like no playdate) for bad behavior but this doesn't seem to be helping because he starts crying and shouting ugly things at me and the next time, he does the same thing again.His grandparents recently visited and felt I was being too strict, that what he needs is a lot of tender handling. I just don't see how many times I can be tender about day to day things like asking him to put his shoes on (ignores this request daily until I am walking out the door, at which point he throws a tantrum) or to stop whining. I don't know what to do for him, I am trying my best but he really pushes my limits. I'm afraid for him, and I fear that the younger one is going to pick up this negativity.

Dear Woeful mum,

As I read through your posting, I could really feel how difficult this situation is for you. Although I have not gone through this situation myslef, I wanted to write to tell you to hang in there. It sounds like you are giving your son much love and attention. I recall reading someplace that children will often lash out against those that they feel safest with. You are the safe harbour where he can frustrations he may be feeling inside. So, while it is trying to have him focus his behavior only on you, feel confident that it is only reassurance that you have let him know he is loved. Have you considered asking your pediatrician for advise on how to alleviate the situation?

Hang in there! I feel its a phase, if u say he's fine with others then he's doing things to get that kinda reaction in you. My children do that at times and I completely ignore them, if they call me, I don't answer(even if they shout right next to my ear, I pretend they don't exist) & when they ask why I would'nt talk then I tell them that's exactly the way they behave with me, & I too feel sad, its worked most of the times. Your son is 5 so he mostly knows what he's doing and whats acceptable. Love him lots(which all parents do) but don't accept obnoxious behaviour,tell him if he behaved that way he would'nt get to go out/playdate/or whatever he likes most and be firm about it, gradually he would know mum means business, at the same time when he listens to any small request that u make,thank him and tell him u r so proud of him.

He should know both sides of mum.

Good luck.

It’s all part of growing up. Children around this age think egocentrically, they have trouble taking another person’s point of view into consideration. Your boy is maturing but he is torn between wanting to be more grown up and still remaining a little boy, which is why you are the ‘victim’ of his frustrations. He’s probably feeling a bit overwhelmed.


You are the most important person in the world to him. Tell him that he is important to you too. Talk, read and listen to him.


When you talk with your boy, try to set a side a bit of time when you can talk with about his day. No tv, no siblings or other distractions. Even cut down on his outside activities if necessary to make the time.


Listening to your child will help you to understand how he is thinking or understanding a situation.


Like all of us, your boy gets sad, angry, sacred, jealous, frustrated; and he gets happy, excited, proud. Some of his emotions will seem very intense, such as the over-reaction to a small bump you mentioned. This is absolutely normal. You can’t stop any of these emotions; you can only let him know how it is OK for him to express his feelings.


Five year olds do not easily change their minds and don’t like changes to their routines. A small, insignificant change to you could have your boy in tears. Try to keep his routines steady.


Five year olds say "I hate you" or "I want you to get sick" just as a way of expressing anger. Your boy isn’t mature enough to know of another way to express himself, these things will develop in their own time.


Your boy is beginning on a new journey where he is learning about himself and how he related to the people around him. "Best" friends will come and go as he changes his relationships with others. You, and the whole family, provide the stability and safety he requires at this time in his life.


You are the person he can let his true self be known and his deepest feelings show. His behaviour towards you is because he knows he is 'safe' with you.


On the shoes..., don’t remind him to put on his shoes and don’t tell him to put them on some time before you go out. Wait till you are ready to go out of the door and ask him: "Have you forgotten something?" Let him have a bit of responsibility and let him think things through, he's old enough. The worst that can happen is he goes out in his shoes. Or perhaps the worst that can happen is that "Mum" will have to realise her little boy is growing up.

You mentioned a younger one... could he be getting jealous? When did this behavior start? The other posters have given you good advice... Positive reinforcement for good behavior and no reaction to bad behaviors should help. Good luck and hope this phases passes sooner than later.

You also can try to talk to him when hes in good mood.

I agree with Ruth! Find this book! You are treating your child with kindness and respect, and you must insist that he treat you that way, too. Nobody in the family, including mum or wife, is a doormat! If you think this pattern is difficult to deal with now, imagine if it goes unchecked until he is 16 or 19 and you try and address it then! Best to root this out while he is young!

There are two fantastic ladies here in HK who run a parenting course called Parent Effectiveness Training either at the YWCA in mid levels or at the American Club in Tai Tam and sometimes at peoples homes... they would be fantastic support for you and you will learn many skills that you will use again and again --- it may seem a different approach at first and I must say I was quite dismissive of it the first two sessions but it has changed my relationship with my children, husband and my teaching style. Once you have done one course with them they allow you to return to do the course again or selected modules of it whenever you like for as long as you like for free and you may really benefit from the sharing experience of other parents who are improving their parenting skills or dealing with difficult situations.

contact: hkcopper@hkstar.com


Here is a bit from some of their intro email.


The course is based on Thomas Gordon's book Parent Effectiveness Training.

He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize three times for his contribution

to humanity. His course is the basic foundation from which all of the other

parenting

courses are formulated, but, none of the others go as far or as deep as

Gordan did. It is a

communications course to teach you to communicate with your child and build

relationships

on consideration, not on rewards or punishments. The class teaches you to

be able to discern

whose problem it is, yours or theirs, and then which skill is needed (either

active listening a

child who needs help, or, confronting a child when you have a problem with

their

behavior). The class is powerful and life changing. It is skill based, not

theoretical.


Our fee is HKD 2,400.00 for the 9 sessions which includes the course

materials consisting of the PET text & workbook, Children are People Too

text book, as well as

a binder for the approximate 100 handouts we give during the course.

Just want to say thank you so much to all of you, its so nice to read supportive ideas and messages. I've been meaning to read the How to Talk... book, haven't been able to get hold of it at any of the shops here. But think I'll just order it now that you've reminded me! The course at the Y sounds very interesting, I will definitely look into it.