Posted by
Wheelymate
18 yrs ago
just wondering if anyone has anything to share about this topic.
months before i gave birth, i quit my job because i was too ill and the intention was to take care of baby full-time anyway.
7.5 months down the road, i enjoy staying home but i feel very guilty financially. our expenses are mostly household and baby-related because since we don't have a helper, we seldom go out at night anymore, which was the main expenses pre-baby. other than the odd girls' night out and the necessary haircuts and some shopping, i don't actually have a fixed monthly allowance. i just use what's leftover from the monthly household allowance that hubby provides.
hubby is very sweet and always feels that i deserve a treat since i stay home looking after baby. but i can't help but feel guilty that i don't even make a single cent and all i do is spend spend spend. we are certainly not poor but on yet a single income,i just feel insecure and i feel we can certainly do with some budgeting.
do any stay-at-home mums feel this way too?
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Wheelymate, I totally relate - one of the absolute hardest things for me since having a baby has been my own loss of income. I've earned money since I was 14 years old and always had my own independent financial control.
I do still do some freelancing work but any wages I get paid go straight into savings so I no longer have money going into a day to day account. My husband too tells me to treat myself but I find it really hard when I no longer contribute to the day to day running (OK looking after baby is a serious contribution but it feels different).
To make it worse, we can't get a joint account in China so I really am dependent on handouts from hubby and he can't even get 2 ATM cards for his account!!!
So sorry no advice but I feel exactly the same - guilty even when I just go get my hair blowdried at a local salon that's crazy cheap!
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spicegal,
the reason why i was inspired to post this thread is because i was actually thinking of getting a haircut today but for some reason felt guilt-stricken about it!
at least you still freelance and saving for the rainy day. i have zero income!!
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hi cara,
yeah i know it's a partnership - even when i whine to hubby about how guilty i feel, he says that i am actually working too.
but still, it's so hard to shake off the feeling that you are not being productive to family and society in the conventional sense - making $$$$$
we are lucky that we have enough on one income although it also means we have to be more prudent. i guess not having a helper helps - we rarely go out to wine and dine these days!!
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if you love staying at home, you have a job that you love - how lucky are you! It just doesn't pay you in the way that you would like.
I know quite a few women who worked and didn't go back to work after having kids. NOt a single one regrets the "loss" of income, or the lack of money to do the things that they once had. It does take a bit of time to get used to - especially if you've always worked and now don't do it. from most of my friends who went through -that guilty/uncomfortable/unproductive feeling - goes away in about 18 months, because by then you're so busy with your little one, you realize how much money you are actually making.
there was an article a while back - salary.com analyzed how much a stay at home mom earned...
they came up with $135,000 USD. for all the many hats that a mom at home wears.
http://www.military.com/NewContent/0,13190,050205_Moms,00.html?ESRC=family.nl
so - you can tell your husband that you're willing to not get paid right now but that you're actually saving him a lot of money- and go treat yourself to a haircut!
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Wheelymate, if we could afford to I'd stay at home in a heartbeat, and proudly think of my contribution to my family and society! Go get that haircut and a massage and pedicure and manicure while you're at it!!
Cheers
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hi ftm and other mums,
thanks for your comments. lest anyone thinks that we are rolling in money, the truth is we are just very average. hubby makes just enough to feed this little family. that's probably another reason why i feel so guilty. and it doesn't help that my weekly part-time helper keeps telling me everytime she comes over that once my bub is bigger, i should really go back to work or else i will be deemed obsolete! she used to work as a technical officer before she quit to look after her kids (one of them special needs). and when she finally decided to go back to work, she couldn't get the jobs she was used to doing, which is why she is a cleaner now!
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Part of the guilty feeling comes from the fact that when you've scaled back on everything so you can stay at home even a hair cut feels like an extravagance! We're not talking big money here in GZ but I feel like the money should be going elsewhere, plus it really does feel odd to be taking hubby's money for it after earning my own for so long - no matter how much we're in agreement about being in a partnership I do feel I've lost some independence. I've not bought a pair of shoes since LO was born for fear of hubby seeing how much I used to spend per pair!!! Now that's guilt!!! ha ha!!!
But I do know I'm lucky to have this time with my baby so never mind if I'm not a fraction of my former glamorous party girl self!!
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hubby always earned more than me so during dating and pre-baby marriage days, he would mainly pick up the tab for meals and big ticket stuff.
but no matter how much lesser i earned, i could still do stuff like girls night out, manicures, pedicures, shopping, buying my 100th pair of birkenstocks....without having to tell him or account to him.
now he doesn't actually ask me what i do with the money he provides every month for household but still i feel so stricken with guilt if i use even a little of it to buy something for myself. it shouldn't be that way, i know....but it just feels so helpless. i love being with my baby but i keep thinking i should explore working part-time from home...a way to contribute to the household and some money that i can call my own!!
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Why does your contributuon to the household or to society have to be measured in dollars and cents? I think it is very sad that everything now seems to come with a price tag or have to be measured in monetary value. You, your child and your family are worth more than any amount of money. Is not providing your child with who you believe to be the best teacher at this stage a financial sacrifice along the same lines as the sacrifices you will make later on when formal education comes into play? There are many reasons for working but let this not be one of them.
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well sandpiper, i wish it wasn't but for most of society, that's the way it is and that affects me, which is why i feel guilty. like i said in my last post, even my cleaning lady tells me i should go back to work and earn some money.....
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Wheelymate -
do you WANT to go back to work? only for the money? I think if you WANT to - you should. If you like being in an office, like the intellectual stimulation there - if that fulfills a part of you that can't be satisfied at home - then you should go back to work. Nothing wrong with that. Many women find fulfillment in work, and in the long run, if the mom is happy, so are the kids. It's a tough adjustment at first (lots of other threads on this) and but if it is something that you want, then by all means, do it.
But if it's just because your cleaning lady tells you that you should, and you feel guilty about spending a little extra money -that will pass. Trust me. missing out on your baby's different growth milestones - that is something that money can't fill.
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Wheelymate, I am not having a go at you, but have the courage to stand strong in the face of what "most of society" and your cleaning lady thinks! That is a terrible reason. We would still have "whites only" buses in America if people had not stood out and stood up for what they believed in. And that is only the first example of many that came to mind.
Fire your cleaning lady and use the money you pay her to treat yourself ;-)
Or find a cleaning lady that works evenings and can babysit (i.e. clean and babysit) while you and hubby spend some time out together. Better than you spending time with someone that makes you feel bad about yourself.
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sandpiper, no worries, no offence taken.
after more than 3 years with the same cleaning lady, i'm not sure if i want to fire her! she was speaking from her personal experience so i don't blame her.
you know what, it's a funny thing. i read gender studies during uni and i strongly believed and still believe that a woman's work is just as valuable (if not more than the conventional work), that when i do stay at home, i am not selling myself short. but this school of thought has not affected the entire society so even though i feel differently, the conventions of society still constrain me. it was so easy in school then and when i worked for a women's organisation pre-baby to go yeah, women's rights! but when reality strikes and things are sometimes not too rosy, i have learnt that it is not that simple as i get hit with self-doubt even though it doesn't mean we shouldn't stand up for what we believe in.
HKCC: i don't actually want to go back to work in an office - the "stimulation" in the singapore office environment is something i can live without. but hopefully plan to find some freelance work (like spicegal). some of the mummy friends i know are trying to get around this by setting up their own home business - that is something i might explore. i guess what i want is to always have my baby as a priority but a little sideline that earns me a little bit of extra pocket money and still make me feel, hey i am still as capable as that lady in her power suit even though my clothes are forever stained with baby spit! i definitely don't want to miss out on my baby's milestone - i was the first person to see him do many things...daddy is envious!
your comments have all been very interesting but as this thread was meant to see if there are other stay-at-home-mums can relate to how i feel....i will be interested to hear what other mums have to say! :) because other than spicegal, i know HKCC and cara work...not sure about you, sandpiper?
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I know you wanted to hear from other stay-at-home mums who feel guilty but there are as many don't-stay-at-home mums who feel guilty. We have gone from a (affluent western) society in which women gave up work to raise a family to one which women work AND raise a family. Now we have a society in which women are wrong whatever they choose!
All I can say is to do what is best for you and your family, and screw what society expects of you - whatever that is.
If you want to still feel connected to the work place, join a women-in-business group or a local group in your field. It can keep you up to date on what is happening in your field and keep you networked into the business world, ready for when you decide you want to return to outside work.
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ranjv
18 yrs ago
This too shall pass...This is a passing phase.Before you realise your kiddo would grow up leaving busy hands to lay your hands on something new..Pls stop feeling guilty..I left a prospering career behind at a stage in life when my kids needed me.Fortunately I have a partner who understands this and we have always worled out things on a partnership basis.Off late,when I have realised that I have time even after I attend to my kids I have started taking up part time work(teaching)..My advice to you would be to enhance your qualification if you can or learn something new till your baby grows..Cheers
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I think I can really relate to what you're feeling. When we found out we were pregnant, my husband also had this opportunity to come work at Hk. That's when we decided that I would just stop working for a while, taking care of baby...
As it turned out, i felt so uncomfortable that even before the end of my pregnancy, I already had the project of working at home. I think the strangest time was when I wanted to buy a gift to my hubby and I just thought how strange it was as I actually would be buying something with the money HE has won...
I think that as claire says, we have been raised to the idea that we should be able to do everything and do it well. So whatever choic we make, we always feel guilty because of course, we we can NOT just do everything to perfection...
Anyway, now that my business is up, I'm having a bit of each world, but that doesn't erase the feeling. I guess that the main reason is that the business is still costing more than it wins so I still can't say that I'm contributing to the household income... yet...
Anyway, I try to support any mum who wish to set up a business at home.
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This is a very thought-provoking thread for me as I am just coming to the end of my maternity leave. I will be a full-time stay-at-home mom as of November.
I have more or less come to terms with the fact that I will be financially dependent on somebody else for the first time since university, but what makes me feel far more guilty is the pressure it puts on my husband to stay in a safe job and support our new family. When I was working, there was always the option that if either of us were unhappy in our jobs, we could afford for that person to take some time out and try something new. But now that we are just on one income, it is much more difficult for hubby to take any kind of risk.
I also feel guilty that hubby has to go to work every day whilst I get to hang out with our wonderful little boy. I know being a mom is a super-important job, but I am sure that if my husband stayed at home he would be just as good at bringing up the baby as me.
I guess at the end of the day the decision to become a stay at home mom is not an easy one, but it is one that is made as a partnership.
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RA
18 yrs ago
I have been a SAH mom for 4 years now. I have 2 kids now and while I am glad that I didn't miss any of their 'firsts' I have the same feelings of guilt as all the other moms. I in my own way try to save money by taking a bus instead of a taxi, finding cheaper places to get a haircut, etc. I take great pride in my being a 'mother' when someone praises my kids or likes the way I have done up the house etc.
I also have huge amounts of guilt when I have to depend on my spouse for money or for the fact that my spouse HAS to earn a living, while I get to be in the house with my kids. My spouse hates his job, but it pays him well, and even if he decides to leave his job and I start working, I will never earn as much as him.
So I think all of us are in the same boat. What I usually do is thank God for giving me such a loving family a supportive husband and the fact that I can afford to stay at home and bring up my kids without any compromises.
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Wheelymate, I have been a FT SAHM for 8 years now. Initially I had no choice even if I wanted to work due to a (well timed) overseas posting where I was unable to. I quickly found it was very important to my wellbeing to take pride in my "new job" and see it very much as a job. As I had more children and they get older and develop their characters (and start to bring in the homework) one of us being at home has seemed even more important. Having me manage the household has also allowed my husband to focus on the kids and his career and have a nice relaxed homelife. He appreciates not being nagged to do his share of the vacuuming any more.
I have never felt guilty about spending my share of the money, I work really hard and am on call 24/7. We are comfortable but not extravagent but once they are all at school I would like to do some work but during school hours only (I was a latch key child which colours my view a bit). After nearly 10 years I am ready for a change in environment, need a challenge, will be better off having something to fill (some of) the days and partly because I would like some extra spending money, although volunteering would be good too. I guess the hard thing for me now is
- yes, I do feel obsolete after 10 years out of the workforce, and
- I can't be bothered doing anything that I am not really passionate about - which is certainly not my old job, I can so relate to you re not wanting to return to an office environment again.
I think it is a shame that society does not properly value the unpaid work that all sorts of people in the community do - not just SAHM. We are helping to shape the future generation (hopefully we are doing a good job of it!)
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mrsl
18 yrs ago
Wheelymate, I've been at home for over 4 years now. My husband and I met at work, had virtually identical salaries, so the financial sacrifice was HUGE when I quit. That said, we are not destitute, we quickly came to realise that most of what we saw as normal expenses, were luxuries in anyone's language.
I have never felt an ounce of guilt about my lack of financial contribution. We both felt very strongly about wanting to have a full-time stay at home parent looking after our children. We had discussed it for years before starting a family. Our finances have always been joint, so nothing has changed (and I have always been the main spender).
As said above, it is a question of partnership. We decided that I should be the one to 'put my career on hold' due to logistics (maternity leave, breatfeeding etc), but social norms did have a part to play. My husband's only concern was that I was sacrificing too much and would resent him for it. My only guilt is that he does not get to see enough of the children himself. The only pressure is the standard c*cktail party 'what do you do?' question. I have to stop myself from justifying our lifestyle decision or pointing out that I gave up a decent career. For some reason the judgement seems to be harsher here, many people seem to think that expat housewives are al low on brain cell count, live at the spa or designer shops, living lives that they could not afford at home - all on their husbands' fat expat packages. Nothing could be further from the truth (although I'd kill for the expat package).
As Claire etc. said, you do what works for you. We are happy with the way that our lives have worked out; our respective jobs and travel would not have allowed for any real family time. It sounds as if you are the only person beating yourself up over this - your husband sounds as if he values your contribution. I promise you; as your son gets older and you have more children, you'll be busier and busier and will know that you deserve the odd treat (if you can find the time for it). While you have the time, enjoy!!!!
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