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Broke up after 6 years
Posted by Casper (486 days ago)
Hi
I am sorry for being so stereotypical, but i dont know how to explain
I Have been with a chinese girl for almost 6 years. She was 18 and I was 23 at that time , we have had good and bad times. Many times she asked to break up but couldnt do it , she spent a year in UK to complete her education of cultural exchange programme. Now after having some bad jobs in shanghai , she is working for an airline ( foreign). It was ok till the new year night , last time we met was in 2nd week of january, the next day she was flying out , when she came back , we were supposed to meet the next day but her grand dad died and we havent met since.
Now she sent me an sms that THE FEELING IS GONE , I LOVE YOU NO MORE , SO WE SHOULD BREAK UP..
i am like f*cked up, i have stayed here only for her , i m not having a good life here but am still here just cause of her.
I want to see her but she is avoiding me and not even replying my calls , only sms some times though , i talked to her friend and even her mom , all thinks she is wierd and .....
I love her so much....
I dont want to lose her , i cant afford to lose her.
What would/could be the problem???
What should i do
Pls help me to sort it out ,
I am almost dying , spending the nights in a park
:'(
Thanks
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by kopfan888 (486 days ago)
Casper
Sorry dude the magic is gone and sounds like she's moved on and maybe met somebody else.
Sucks for sure and I know what its like but you can't hold onto whats gone. Be a man and let go and walk away with your head held high. Begging her to reconsider etc etc is not a good move.
What do you mean you can't afford to lose her? Why not exactly? you're not having a good life here and now she's as good as gone, whats the point in staying here for? The reason for you to stay is gone now.
Move back home to where you will be happy and start a life of happiness which you deserve.
Oh and I think part of the problem is that you met her when she was too young, and maybe felt like she was being held back by being in a heavy relationship at such a young age.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Casper (486 days ago)
but she hasnt met anyone
i just love her too much , and her mom told me she is sick , and continuosly sick from the date and cry in the room ,
i need a reason
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (485 days ago)
Dude, Casper...
Getting dumped by sms really sucks! I know, coz that happened to me about a year and a bit ago....right after New Year's and a long holiday together!
Man, was I ever mad! That feeling of "WHYYYYY???" and I didnt get any expaination either. Pfff....total anger and frustration and then I was like "Peh, if I dont stop feeling sorry for myself and keep trying to answer the question of why or how someone could be so careless with my heart...I will never move on."
Four months later I met someone wonderful! Total upgrade, for sure! Kinda grateful for being dumped!
Might not be what you want to hear, but she may not be as sad about it as you are...love...and good relationships...are where two people grow together...sometimes in life, one person outgrows the other. Or one person finally figures out what they want in life and where they are going and that plan doesnt quite have a place in it for you...or they figure out that what you want from life, they cant or dont want to be.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by kopfan888 (485 days ago)
casper dude
This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship bordering on clingy/needy.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (485 days ago)
Agree with you kopfan888, but he's in the grieving stage, it will pass...feel as obsessed as you need to, Casper, cos the next stop on this train wreck is "Anger" and "Frustration"
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by kopfan888 (485 days ago)
JC is that before or after denial?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (485 days ago)
Well right now denial seems to be "that big river in Egypt"...so I am guessing after.
Casper,
Hey, are you sorted for a place to stay? I'm asking coz there are two things you have said that kinda need clarification:
"I dont want to lose her , i cant afford to lose her."
Is that afford as in financial? Or emotional?
"I am almost dying , spending the nights in a park"
Is that like sleeping on a park bench stuff? Or you are just in the park for peace of mind?
I realize you feel you have stayed out here in Asia, "just for her" but I am sure you can figure out other things you like about it here if you give it a thought. She may be crying because she knows she's hurt you but that she feels its a necessary thing coz she doesnt love you anymore. I dunno...
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Straw_berry (485 days ago)
When that someone no longer loves you... no point hanging on...
You got to move on...
Know it's hard... experienced it... but life goes on as what many people would tell you...
Hopefully the next one is better...
(I am based in Singapore)
Posted by Casper (485 days ago)
hahaha thanks for making me laugh , i cant afford to lose is not financially , and spending the parks in nights mean the home seems like a jail to me , so i stay out of it. Just need some peace.
Guys she was my first girl friend...............
having said 'forget her and go on' is much easier
i dont know , i dont know
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (485 days ago)
Awww....first girlfriend...thats sweet, man...but yeah, looks like this will be your first break up! Welcome to the club! :o)
And yes, every time it happens usually hurts this bad...but your coping strategies will improve.
I mean, the fact of the matter is that you havent seen her or had much contact with her since the first week of January. Thats like...two months ago, Casper! Even if you love the woman to bits...she doesnt love you...that sucks, I know, but best let that one sink in. You deserve a better chance at love. Plus maybe you can try the being single thing and date a little...couldnt hurt anymore than what you're going through right now! Dont go diving right in to another relationship...it wont be fair on the person you saddle with your baggage.
Good Luck!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Casper (485 days ago)
one woman for six years , and dont know the taste of other women , i used to tease her with this . We made love after more than a year of dating , cause i thought she was young and i was young too, she was my first one and i was her first one , may be i am too damn loyal , thats my problem . we didnt meet for 2 months cause of some damn chinese thing , her grand dad died so she wasnt supposed to meet me for 3 months. But we were in touch by phone thrice or four times a day.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Cheesypeasplease (485 days ago)
It is tough, really tough. My ex broke up with me after nearly nine years without explanation. All I can say (after five months) is that it gets better, albeit slowly, but definately in that direction. You will have really bad days, bad days, and not so bad days, occasionally you will have the odd good day or half day... Good news is that this will shift to more good days then bad.. just takes time. Good luck
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Evabeva (485 days ago)
I understand that this is a traumatic time for you Caspar. You need to recognise this yourself, and understand that your grief will put you into a vulnerable situation in many ways. Just a few are: reckless behaviour, depression, aimlessness. Your description of your relationship history indicates a lot of hurdles you need to overcome. The fact that you are a western person and you hann't had a girlfriend until you were 23 is significant, and also that this girl is young and Chinese, factors which tend to indicate a significant desire for love and dependency - which is rather different from loyalty - on your part.
I really would like to help you, but yes, life is so unkind. One really does need to develop an awareness of why you have this capacity for unrequited affection and delayed gratification. A few years ago, my son -then 21 - broke up with a very pretty, articulate and charming girl because she really had emotional problems he couldn't see himself fixing or living with in the long term. He loved her, and it was terrible for him to have to do it, and it was completely his own decision. I was very proud of his actions because it showed great emotional maturity and control on his part. Perhaps your girlfriend really does love you, but can't see herself living with you in the long term as someone above suggested.
My advice to you, is yes, let yourself grieve (the pain is damn terrible - almost unbearable!), but do understand that you need to learn somethings about yourself that will provide you with the basis of finding the right one for you, and to understand yourself and where you ought to be.
I really think you need to call a counsellor as soon as you can so that you can get someone to talk to to help you over this, and someone to help you sort out your life so that you find yourself where you really want to be, with someone who you can love in a healthy and balanced way, and an unawareness of your own personality.
You sound like a loving and good person, do allow yourself to grow emotionally. Remember that you are probably emotionally still a teenager because you haven't had the transition experiences usually encountered then, and this loss will hurt like hell.
Wish you the very very best. Don't be reckless with your life and get support and love around you soon.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Casper (483 days ago)
i am planning to leave shanghai, do u guys think its a good decision to make?
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by kopfan888 (483 days ago)
yes of course as you can move on and do what you want to do and go and find yourself.
new location and new start for you.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Evabeva (483 days ago)
Glad to hear from you Casper. Hope you are feeling better. Yes, I think it's probably a good idea for you to leave now. You've given the place long enough and you said you do not have a good life there, and that you only stayed for your girlfriend. So, before you get involved in another relationship there, best to go somewhere you will be happier, preferrably a place where you have familiarity or support or where you can do the things you like to do and can pursue your life on your own terms.
I'm sure once you have settled into a new environment, you will be OK. Take it slowly though. Another one of my children was dumped in a foreign land. It was a devastating breakup, and he moved to a place in America he didn't know and had no support, found the whole thing just too horrible... Lots of problems because of grief and not being somewhere familiar to support himself for two years. About 10 months ago, he moved back home. Familiar environment, friends, and family... made all the difference. Just emerging again, now after three years of pain.
My advice to you Caspar is go home at least for a holiday... get some love around you. Take pause to reflect. Then make a decision as to where you want to be. There's no need to go into the darkness alone. Don't allow your pain to isolate you from others. You will get over it quicker if you have support.
I really think you can learn a lot from what you have been through. The benefits of overcoming the difficulties of being in a foreign country last a lifetime... but there's no need to keep putting yourself in tough situations. There's a lot to be said for forming a relationship in an environment where you have support and a knowledge of the culture etc.. particularly if you wish for a family later.
Go where you can be happy and where what's best in you can find it's expression.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by lulu (482 days ago)
move on dear. no point hanging.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Aggie (467 days ago)
Casper, are u still in shanghai....drop me a line and we can share with you as I'd a relationship with my ex since 1986...and i always asked to break up but couldn't do it til about 1 and a half years ago...I raised it...and it's something similar but dun know whether it helps you to move your way onward about the relaitonship with yours....take care
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Woz's Pup (464 days ago)
Casper,
We've all been there, the first love and being dumped. It takes time, and it's not easy, but you need to accept that she doesn't want you and she's not going to take you back.
It's not healthy to dream about someone who really doesn't want you. You're not going to change her mind and the more you try the more she won't want you.
Sweetheart, the best thing you can do now, is find someone else. When I got dumped, I distracted myself with other guys and quite by accident met the REAL love of my life. We've been going strong for 4 years now, I even moved to Hong Kong to be with him!
But hey! Talk about culture differences! If I was with a guy who didn't want to do it for a year with me when I was over 18, I'd be wondering what's wrong with him! 18 too young? I was 17, and people were making fun that I was a prude!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Sexy_Casper (460 days ago)
thanks a lot you guys
you made me feel i m not alone niether lonely in this sh*tty place
yeh aigge i am still in shanghai
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by p-diana (460 days ago)
Wish you luck!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by stauntonstreet (460 days ago)
Hey Caspar... love your new dog tags...! Go out and enjoy your life... so glad to hear you are feeling better!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Casper (456 days ago)
I am unable to forget her , even after 7 weeks , i always think of her , i remember her when i eat something she liked, or i pass by the place we used to go, any friend of mine asks about her
what should i do to make the pain lay me off
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by stauntonstreet (456 days ago)
hey Caspar..
It's natural for you to still feel sad and down after 7 weeks. It's going to take a while, but you will get over it. In some ways, you can think of this as a valuable life lesson. I know that might sound a bit hard on you at the moment, but well, resilience in the face of change or great disappointment, loss or grief is a human skill we all need to develop.
It might be wise to think about another time in your life when you experienced great loss or disappointment, and think about how you got over that. It could give you the courage to face the future again.
Try not to allow yourself to get too sad, but think of the ways you have been successful in facing other challenges, and draw upon the strength you had then to pull yourself through.
Know that you will heal, and that you will love again. And that you have it in you to do this for yourself. It is the nature of life to desire growth and rejuvenation, and to be healthy and in a good relationship, not a sad one.
Focus on your own power to restore yourself and make yourself happy, not her or any one else's ability to make you feel better... and you will probably start to feel better sooner rather than later.
Caspar, you can and will overcome this.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by ldavy (455 days ago)
Casper, I've been through this more than once but I think the first time is always the worst. Everything the others have said to you is true, you will get over this. One day you'll look back and be a bit surprised at how hurt you were. Are you feeling any better now? You have a lot of people supporting you, you might not know any of us but we're all there for you!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by easygoing (455 days ago)
Casper, be strong, she seem to be growing up - a metamorphis stage - and no one knows what will come out from the cocoon... it's better you also move on, meet the world and has a new life. Who knows, maybe one day you two will cross again - that's another "thread" to post, but right now dont sit here and wait.
First love of 6 years - it will take some time to stand on your feet again. If you can leave shanghai, go somewhere else, a change of environment may help to put things in the past faster.
Wish you well and you are not alone.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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