unhappy 1st pregnancy

Posted by sommerset (491 days ago)

Does anyone have experience with a similar situation?

I'm 30weeks pregnant & unhappy. My husband is VERY unsupportive & verbally abusive. I understand that he's dealing with his dying father. But I just need to be spoiled once in a while. I cry at least 2x/week because of my husband.

When my mum was pregnant with me, she was unhappy too, my dad lost all of his properties because of gambling & became abusive.

I'm a very unhappy & fake person since I was young. Everyone sees me as a popular nice sweet girl with a great life & personality, but actually I have lots of angers & feeling of revenges towards everyone with no reason, despite the fact that my parents have been great & given me everything I need ever since I was born.

My concern is, will this happen to my baby too? I know that lots of stressed pregnant mums deliver healthy baby, but do they really know what's going on inside their kids' minds?

I really dont want my baby to be like me..

Thanks everyone

(I am based in Macau)

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Posted by zonked (491 days ago)

It is very important to be happy during your pregnancy.
It is medically proven that being happy during pregnancy ensures a secure and happy kid.

You need to look after yourself and enjoy your pregnancy. The father should take care of you but if he is not, then do it on your own.

Btw, the bonding with the father too begins during pregnancy. So if he sees a future with his kid, he should spend time with you and the baby.

Good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by balzac (491 days ago)

you poor girl. Big hugs to you! Yes-you should try to be happy or at least keep away from stress triggers during your pregnancy. I am more concerned about the environment after the baby is born.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by My Hong Kong (490 days ago)

The problem is not the pregnancy...it's the relationship between your husband and you. Try to talk to him and see if he is willing to improve your relationship and the rest will fall into place.

If he is not the type who has 'willingness' in him...then spoil yourself rotten once a week with girlfriends.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (490 days ago)

Being pregnant is no picnic sommerset, but it still has to do with bringing life into the world.

Now I dont know what your issues with your husband are...whether you had a good relationship to begin with...but he IS losing his father.

Repeat: His father is dying.

His father is dying and you are saying "But what about me, I want to be spoiled".

Well, I know someone who went through similar stuff, his mother was dying with cancer and his then wife got the ump coz he was always short tempered and depressed...and when his mother died and he was grieving, his then wife was "me, me, me...I am not sure if I love you anymore, I dont know if I want to be with you anymore...I need time" And when he finally came out of the funk he was in...he was like "Wow, she was wholly unsupportive when my mother had just died." And they ended up splitting up even though by then she was saying she wanted to be with him.

Now. Where does this put you?

You are 30 weeks pregnant, your hormones are all over the place, you are probably big as a house and anxious for the baby to come. This is your first pregnancy, sure, but its his too...but to top the 1st timer stress chart for him, he also has a dying parent. Hardly a time for him to feel joyous.

You BOTH need to focus on the positive, maybe go to a spa for preggo women where they give you relaxing massages etc...You seem to be dredging up the past saying "when my mum was pregnant with me she was unhappy too" and drumming up some self fulfilling prophecy, DONT. Stop those negative thoughts in their tracks.

Ok?

You want to think you will have an unhappy child? You think you are so unhappy? Have you tried to focus on the positive recently? Do you know what are the 5 good things about your husband that you love? Why do you love him? Why did you marry him? What is the life you would like to give your child that would be different from the life you feel you had??

Write that stuff down, if thats what will make it more real. I know its tough to be pregnant, sleeping like crap, peeing every 15 mins, waddling around like a penguin in a moo moo...but STOP! Stop with the "I want to be spoiled once in a while" the man's father is dying...if you want spoiling you will have to wait until after his dad dies...or after the baby is born.

The important thing in any relationship is empathy.

His father has been in his life much longer than you...he has brought your husband up. With him dying...I think that kinda gets a VIP pass. Your husband and you married for a reason, and I am sure deep down you both love each other, just dont create MORE stress when you can try to have a little empathy and ease off. You want pampering? Like I said...go to a spa and get massaged by a whole host of pamper minded peeps.

Dont expect too much of him when he is already at the end of his tether. Ease off and for crying out loud "COMMUNICATE".

Tell him you love him. Tell him you are sorry you were a little selfish for wanting his attention when you knew his father is dying. Tell him you now understand the stress that must be for him and that you want to support him as best as you can. Show him you care...throw in some hugs and cuddles...and dont be ultra needy...its probably whats making him push you away more. You want to get affection and attention in this trying time? It will most likely come when you stop being so negative and when you start behaving like a strong willed individual.

Like attracts like. Start acting like you can handle anything. Start handling it, start being less needy, start being supportive and affectionate...persevere...and your effort will pay off.

Patience. And one more thing, your mum was miserable when pregnant, fine. You may have been someone who was always wanting in life, fine...but dont you go thinking your kid is going to be subjected to some pseudo psycho crap BS, he/she hasnt even made it into the world and you best not start assigning blame to yourself and a depressing future to your kid. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it...you need to change the way you react.

Good Luck, Sweetie! :o)

Once the baby comes you'll know it was all worth it...and it will hopefully be the kick up your husbands a** to remind him he is still alive and that there are people around him who love him and still need him...and these people are ALIVE.

PPS - and one more thing - you are not crying BECAUSE of your husband (referring to your x2 a week comment) you are crying because you are a pregnant woman and they cry one heck of a lot coz their hormones are all over the place...wait till the baby is born...you'll be crying for nothing at all. I am sure your hubby upsets you, but your reaction will be tormented by hormones.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Ladybird101 (490 days ago)

Has your husband always been verbally abusive, or has it just been since his father has been sick and during the pregnancy?
There are some things you have to consider here...if he has only been abusive while his father has been sick, then you can probably put it down to the fact that he is really hurting and that is his way of handling his anger. Now, I know it doesn't seem fair on you, however there could be a whole lot of things whirling around in his mind, even to the extent that he is unhappy that his father may never meet his grandchild. Have your parents passed yet?? If so, then you can relate to his hurt...if not then perhaps just try to put yourself in his shoes for 5 minutes....sometimes I think about what it will be like when my own parents aren't in the world anymore, and just that brings tears to my eyes...it's probably unbearable for him.
However, on the other hand, if he was abusive before the pregnancy and his father's illness, then you should be more concerned with your safety and the child's safety after the birth. If this is the case you could try various thing:
1) Try to talk to him about how you feel (however it's probably not a good time for him to be roped into a deep and meaningful)
2) Really try to show affection towards him, go out of your way to show your love, invite him to lie with you and rub your stomach or something - this may settle him a bit.
3) If all else really does fail, then wait to see how things progess with him for a bit after the birth, and if things don't change, make sure you have a really good girlfriend on the other end of the phone that you can call and perhaps even stay with for a while.
Good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Missysun (490 days ago)

My tears drops down while i was reading Justin Credible's post.My dad just passed away.I was totally bitchy to my boyfriend in the whole time.Your hubby didn't take it all out on you,he just didn't spoil you as much as you need.This is the time that you should show your hubby how much you can give in this relationship.If you can handle it well.Afterwards Im sure he will realise he is so lucky to have a wife like you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Madders (489 days ago)

Dont beat yourself up so. for sure we all have our problems, and this may sound a little preachy - but thats just because life gets lost in translation when your sat at a pc - chin up - life can often be a self fulfilling prophecy. I know for sure that if I want to be down about something I can be - and I'm good at it too. pulling myself out of it is harder.

Think practically now though, you're in a situation you want to get out of, and you can. things wont always seem this bleak. think of some things that you can do for yourself to cheer up. exercise, healthy eating, see some friends, watch friends on dvd - sometimes it really is the small things. remember why you fell in love with your husband and try to find that somewhere.

dont be hard on yourself though, everyone gets down from time to time. if you guys just take it on your stride and realise that life isnt always the waltons - you'll get through this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sapphire (489 days ago)

Somerset, someone has asked if your husband was unsupportive and abusive before you were pregnant, or before his father was dying ... if that's the case then I think you have every right to feel the way you do. However, if it's only been since his father was dying, then you really do have to be strong for him. To lose a parent or a child must be the hardest thing in the world and your husband is going through that right now. He needs your love and support. Yes, you are pregnant and it should be a happy time for both of you, but just think how you would feel if it was your father or mother who was dying ... would you want support from your husband? Of course you would.

You need to have some 'Me' time with your own friends or family ... pamper yourself ... try to enjoy your pregnancy ... then, go and support your husband. He will thank you for it one day.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sommerset (487 days ago)

Thanks for your reply everyone, especially Justin Credible. Your reply slapped me right on the face, but it made me realize that my husband is stress too. So thank you!

But our problem is far more than that.

He went out for more than 22 hours now. He didnt tell me where he went, he didnt pick up my calls (but picked up someone else's call), and now he switched off his phone.

He keeps making lies and unkept promises. Enough to make me say "stop it" to myself. So I braved myself this morning (which I've delayed for so long), I rang my parents for their advice and told them (not) everything, and so happy to find that they said they will support me no matter what. So, I'm getting a divorced! Yes, it will be embarrassing (especially in my country) and hard, but I've decided to do it.

Please pray for me, hope I can have all the "thick skin", wisdom and courage I need to get through this.

(I am based in Macau)

Posted by Cruz (487 days ago)

Whoa ! There's no good time for divorce to happen, but this sounds like a particularly bad one.
If it gives you peace of mind then that's positive, but be careful it piles on more stress and that is not what you and especially your baby need.
As you said at the start here you have the ability to get angry and want revenge. Just be sure you are not putting yourself in a bad position by making quick decisions.
If your husband is verbally abusive and disappears then being without him may clearly be the best option. But look out for No1+2 - you & your baby first - and think thru everything you do carefully, all the details and practicalities.
You need strong family support right now and thru the pregnancy as you wont be able to do this alone. Make sure you have somewhere safe to stay if not with your family where someone can take care of you.
You will 100% need practical, emotional and moral support no matter how strong you think you are. Really make sure you have that, and maybe its more than just 1 phone call home.
As a father for the first time recently I can promise you that this is not something you do alone - whether or nor you are married.
You (and Baby) first.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Lans (487 days ago)

What should be the husband's priority? Shouldn't he take care of the wife and the baby first? I'm sorry that he will lost his father however it's a tragedy that his son/daughter will lost his/her father even before being born. A little spoiling of the wife will not hurt the husband especially when he thinks about who will be in pain during labor. He's place is next to his wife to support her and welcome the new life for whom he is responsible. He will lost his father but he will have his baby. His baby is also important!!!

Sommerset, I know it's hard to believe if someone's telling you "I know how you feel".
But I do know how you feel. My husband and I will pray for you. Be strong for your baby!
Ingat ka palagi ( i guess)

Always take care...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (486 days ago)

Ouch aye...

Hmmm...your parents are all for you divorcing the guy? Do they not like him then? To be honest, when my folks knew I wanted to leave my spouse they were extremely supportive (turns out they never really liked my spouse!)...its good to have a supportive family, but are you sure you want a divorce for you? Is there no way at all you can try to talk things through with your husband? Are you even going to tell him you are leaving? How long have you been thinking about leaving him? (Try to answer these questions, if not for us, for yourself...so you can be sure you are making the right decision)

Any chance at all for a spot of therapy?

Hmmm...

I will be honest, a tough pregnancy with an unsupportive spouse that pisses off and switches off the phone, not good. His father at St.Peters waiting room, also not good. But divorce? Er, are you sure its totally FUBAR?

Have you even talked to the guy? No, not sms, not phone, not mobile...have you sat down and talked to him about what you plan on doing?

Stop trying to communicate by phone (its not ideal) and the next time you have a moment at home say simply "Hon, I am unhappy and I am leaving you. If you want to talk about it, I am here, but if not...I will take your lack of response to mean that I have your blessing."

If that doesnt get his attention to sit down for a bit, he most certainly isnt worth it.

Y'see...the thing with death...death in a family, it makes one more aware of their own mortality, but it also tends to make those so self absorbed with their own mortality kinda forget the fact they are alive, that they have people who love then...also alive, and in both y'all's case, a wee little kidlet who will soon be in the world to start a new life. Your husband, as my friend was, currently has his "head up his a*se" and he kinda needs to take a reality check...but you cant just walk out, that would be cowardly and completely unfair for the kidlet.

I am a divorcee, a single parent with a wonderful fiance who loves my kid...I didnt get there with ease. Its taken me 7 years since when I left my ex to get to that point, but I did. And I feel for you, I do...your story sounds so much like my sisters (although her husband was cheating on her with hostesses AND his golfing buddy, who happened to be a man) so eh, I know what you are going through isnt easy...but kids kinda need a mum and dad. Its good you have supportive folks, but for your kids sake, and for your own, communicate your feelings honestly and face to face with the hubby so you will feel in the end that you genuinely did the right thing.

Y'know what I think? Go stay with your folks. Leave him for a bit. Take a trial seperation if you must. You dont have to go for the jugular in order to put a little fear of abandonment in the man, just leave, stay with your folks, talk to him...but (and there are so many of those, eh?) if you are scared he will lose his temper, just leave a short note:

My dearest husband,

I have found the last few (insert length of time) very hard and rather unbearable to deal with. I know you are going through a hard time with your father being ill and I have tried my best to figure out how I can support you, however with the impending birth of our child I find it harder and harder to cope with the stress and I dont want to have that added worry about how this will effect my final trimester and delivery so I have decided to take a break and have gone to stay with my parents. Please understand that I am doing this so as to give you your space but most importantly for my own sanity and the health and safety of our baby. You know where to contact me (leave the number if he doesnt have it).

Your wife,

(insert name)

Divorce is a mess, trust me on this...but its more so if you dont try to fight the good fight for love, do everything you can to fix the problem, and if it still remains broken, then leave...and you can leave knowing you did everything you could to make it work.

Good Luck.

JC

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by crj (486 days ago)

Check the Pregnancy and Moms&Dads Forums.

I am normally a happy optimistic person, and I was misserable during pregnancy#1 and again now during #2.
I am lucky to have a supportive and loving husband, but he travels every week for work and is only here at the weekends, which compounds the issue I am sure.

After the baby came out, I was over the moon and happy... (until I got pregnant again!)
Our baby is now 14 months old and EVERYONE comments on what a happy baby he is and how he is always smiling.

Pregnancy seriously messes with your hormones, I just refer to them as 'EVIL HORMONES'...

Apparently some women are like this and it has no connection to whether you will or will not have post natal depression or whether your baby will be happy or not. And, there is nothing you can really do about it (in my experience).... But ice cream, chocolate, swimming, sleep all help :)

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by crj (485 days ago)

Here is a very good thread on depression during pregnancy:
http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/pregnancyfertility/threads/77220.asp

A bit long, but lots of good info and inspiration.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by jwng (471 days ago)

When my dad was dying of cancer I was so miserable I lashed out on my then bf who was in beijing w/o a job - studying mandarin - and very miserable, too. I could not think of anyone's welfare except my dad's and how to ease the pain and fear I was feeling. I was really verbally abusive w/ my bf and threatening to break up with him every time we talked but he hanged on. Looking back, I think I was "testing" him on how strong he can be for me as I was really feeling lost at that time or maybe I was just really so stressed out and have no "outlet" but him. He left beijing to be w/ me on my dad's final moments. He promised in front of my dad that he will take care of me - and he has until now, as my husband.

Knowing a loved one is about to die is very difficult. Your husband is going through a very rough time. On your part, pregnancy really does rewire your hormones/emotions (as it did with me) and you're having a difficult time as well. This said, it's not the best time for both of you to be talking about a divorce as you are both emotionally "unstable". Both of you need taking care of and both of you need to take care of each other.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meiguoren (471 days ago)

Everyone has stress in life, including illness and death of parents. Yes, we do need to be supportive of spouses, but on the other hand, stress is no excuse for the way he's treating you. Besides the lack of support from your husband when you need it most, there are additional things in your background that are making it hard for you: his abuse of you, the power games he is playing, the history of abuse in your family background, your unresolved anger, and your depression. His disappearing for hours at a time is hard now, but it will be even more pronounced and difficult to bear when you are at home alone with a newborn baby, perhaps needing help to get food purchased for the household or something. This is going to sound really, really hard, but I suggest you consider giving the baby up for adoption. If you think life is hard right now, imagine it while you're trying to meet the needs of a baby who doesn't sleep at night, a toddler, a five year old, a ten year old ---- A child is an intense, long term commitment that in the best of circumstances will need the devoted resources of two, united, committed parents for the next twenty five years or so. I don't think he's on board with this. And if you go into parenthood under these circumstances, without having resolved all the issues resulting from the abuse you witnessed during childhood or the abuse you are experiencing now, then YES, you will set your child up to either be an abused or to be an abuser. Even, heaven forbid, your own temper should snap under the stress. It's a family pattern that's very hard to break. Very sorry to be the voice of gloom, but I think the optimists on the thread perhaps are not so aware of all the issues you are facing. Abuse is a really powerfully entrenched pattern, making you more vulnerable and risking that you pass the pattern along to your children. And women who have been abused are far too conciliatory in tolerating it. I strongly suggest you see a counselor even if for just one session and talk through some of these issues. I hope I'm wrong, but think about it and see if it rings true or not. I wouldn't lightly advocate giving up a baby for adoption, I think it's probably one of the hardest things possible for a mother to do, but it CAN be the most loving thing possible to do for the child under certain circumstances. And then, you would also be a bit more free to confront the situation with the marriage and do what you need to do to get out of it, especially assuming you would need to return to work full time and support yourself.

(I am based in Guangzhou)