A triangle

Posted by torny (476 days ago)

I'm a man of early thirties, have been married for several years and felt happy till now.By professional reasons we had to live in different places with my wife for a while. And during that time I met Her. We were just friends in the beginning,then it grew into a relation.In the beginning I didn't take it seriously, as I had to move from the place where I stayed to stay together with my spouse. But little by little the feeling was growing and I realized that I'm deeply in love with that girl.I don't think I ever felt so happy in my life-I could speak about anything with her, she shared all my passions, all I did she wanted to do too, we made incredible things in bed that I could never imagine doing with my wife or anyone else before. She was first to speak about love, I kept silent that time, though I love her much too.I saw tears in her eyes when we spoke about my forthccoming departure. So, day by day, the time approached. I was furious at myself, I really wanted to give up everything and stay with her. But I had to leave just cause it was planned and the promise was given. Moreover, I didn't want to stay at that place anymore. But She was there.!! Now several weeks passed, talk on internet every day, call each other often, though it's hard cause of time difference. I realize that I can't live without her, I really wanna quit everything and stay with her. At the same time smth tells me that probably it's just a passion that will burn out with time. And some more things about her.She' somebody so hot and eager for sex that I afraid she could cheat on me in the future when our relations cool down.She knew from the first day I was married, and she didn't mind to have this relation with me, saying that I was the best she ever met.But maybe she's easy to make it with another guy sometime later?I know it hurts her much knowing that now i sleep with my wife.But in fact when my wife is asleep i chat with her.I really don't wanna make a mistake quitting my wife cause she's really a good person and I belive she's never able to commit the kind of thing I did, so I trust her 100 % and feel much guilty.I really can't decide if it's worth quitting the relation that lasted that long.Plese write if u had a similar experience, I would appreciate other comments and advice as well.

(I am based in Shanghai)

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Posted by clan (476 days ago)

This sounds like great sex and infatuation....a relationship is much more. You don't sound like you trust this woman as you think she could cheat on you. Your wife on the other hand sounds like someone you really do love. Leave this woman for a while (surely if she loves you she'll at least wait while you take some time to consider this major step??)Try and spice things up at home, maybe you've both grown too complacent. Don't start admiting your guilt until you're sure. This will be a hard thing for you both to get over if you stay together. Admission may make you feel better but will destroy her.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sasquatch (476 days ago)

I hear ya man...

But I hope you're wearin yr fire proof undies after posting that. You might be about to get yr a$$ flamed off, LOL.

Serious advice though? If you decide you DO want to save the marriage then you need to cut HER off cold turkey. How you gonna get your head back into the home girl if you keep the "strange" that fresh in your mind?

Does yur wife also like to do the stuff you like to do? (outside the bedroom that is) I mean as I said, I feel ya dude, my wife makes these token efforts at mountain biking or kayaking or any of the things Im into really, but then she quits and I am always alone in all my favorite past times. It bothers me and it does moreso when I meet hot chicks on bikes or out paddling and then they pull up n say hi and Im like "whoa, she speaks! and she sounds intelligent and friendly(and probably my wife just ripped me a new one before I left on the bike for some BS reason that only she knows), and I wonder why I didnt end up with someone like them. If SHE is the one who is really your kindred spirit (and I dont believe in the "just one" theory) and your wife leaves you to go solo all the time then like I said, you've got a tough decision to make and no matter what everyone in here tries to moralize onto you, only you can make that one.

Just realize, and Im working on this too so I know its hard, you aren't doing your wife any favors by waiting to cut her loose once you make up your mind. If you know shes gone, just tell her and give her the extra time to find someone who is gonna realize they "cant live without her" and wanna stay w just her until the end.

Good luck.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (476 days ago)

Just what is it with you Boys and toys?…

Anyhows seeing as most of HK are celebrating the crucification of another Guy you’ll have to make do for now with an opinion from the other side…

Torny: Ever remember that holiday romance when you met a one? How quickly did that feeling dissipate? This is really no different. Get over it or enjoy it for what and when it is. But please do not sacrifice thee wifey for one that is at present purely some far away and far fetched fantasy. And trust me she is that and she is better kept as that. Sweet sexy memories are indeed adorable but the reality would be far from that.

You do not know this one… you even mention that you do not know if you can trust her. Turning your world upside down whilst destroying anothers is not going to result in a happy ever after. The sex may or may not fizzle out once the initial throngs of attraction/infatuation/lust become the mundane day and the hell of being racked with guilt/societal pressures let alone the logistics of divorce/relocation…

My advice get over it asap… you’ve had your cake and eating any more will eventually make you sick. Running away is not the answer… let alone into a totally unknown quantity.

And this is from one of the other ones… and I know for a fact that I would run a mile if any of mine harbored anything other than fleeting thoughts akin to yours no matter how much they profess their love yadda yadda… As much as we all like to believe in fairy tales life is just not like that.

Good luck anyhows.

PS: But… if she is indeed the one then as Sasquatch mentioned you’ve got a really difficult decision to make… and the sooner the better… however if she was the one you would not be back sleeping with wifey harboring doubts… you would have renounced your life for her by now.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by zonked (476 days ago)

The point is if the wife is so dear and imp why do you at the first place go out of your marriage??

And if you did, you should just have had sex and withdrawn.

Further to it, if you felt you love the other woman, then you DO NOT confess your love for her to her. After you do that, even if you're a married guy, you've a responsibility towards her too, because afterall her FEELINGS are at stake!!!

You can't just walk away saying "oh, I love you so deeply and madly and am passionate about you but I've to be with my wife for so and so reason...". THAT is absolutely UNFAIR!!

As a married man you had no right to CONFESS your love even if you felt it if you thought you'd not be with her, for her!! Period.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (476 days ago)

It is pure agony for the ''other'' woman, Torny.

You probably weaved dreams with her, about doing things together, or just about togetherness.... and then you leave her for your selfish reasons??

I am saying this from my heart dear, it is miserable. Because she is left all alone just dreaming all that stuff making it difficult fot her to live her life just with herself....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (476 days ago)

zonked: Women should not enter into a 'loving' relationship with a married man without expecting to get their heart broken... if you know he is married as did Torny's then you must have NO expectations other than the fleeting moment... and should respect the situation and see it for what it is... not unfair just the way things are.


edit: actually folk should not enter into any 'loving' relationship without expecting to get their heart broken... after all we all know what folk are like and like!

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by balzac (476 days ago)

Sounds more like a sex affair than love affair, in spite of the 'love' word being uttered.

The lack of trust shows that you do not know this person well enough.

Then again, as a cheating party, you cannot possiblly demand fidelity yourself, can you?

I am not casting stones here, as I obviously deserve more than a couple myself.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by devine (476 days ago)

Agreed balzac: sounds like 'sex affair' but in the other hand many women's and men's they became more indeeply feelings through 'sexual'
in the theoretical.How the 'love romance'started without this kind of it.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Roxy Gal (476 days ago)

Hey Torny - I agree with all the above posters that you are someone who's in lust trying to convince yourself that you are in love. You might feel pretty strongly about it now but the so-called "passion" will die soon enough. I know because I'd been in a similar/same situation before. Get over it before you cause more damage to everyone involved. Enough said.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by zonked (476 days ago)

Aijin, you did not get my point -- I wrote that the man (or woman if she is married) should NOT CONFESS the love even if they feel it!!

Once you confess, it is a commitment in itself.

According to me, to admit to love, is as big a commitment as a marriage is. Only difference that there isn't a paper that stands as a testimony to that commitment. That is why a lot of men and women misuse it!!

It is married person's responsibility to hold back his feelings for obvious reasons. Why is it that it dawns on him much later, when he has played with the feelings of the "other" woman???????

It is plainly UNFAIR.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by naima (476 days ago)

She is aware that you are married and yet she still plunged into an affair.

Its hard to think about the "what-ifs" here. But the mere fact that you cant exactly trust her means a lot...since trust is one of the foundation of a good relationship.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by zonked (474 days ago)

This may take it away from Torny's problem but reading most posts here and on many other threads, I've realised most people here (and I assume they're married!) consider passion and sex to be vices!!

Is it that stable relationships/married people are so bereft of it?? Is there no one here in a relationship longer than 2 or 3 years and who still feel the burning desire for their partner?? Is it so uncommon???

You all seem to almost condemn passion, desire, sex.... and judge people with contempt who possess that for someone!!

Can't a relationship be based on carnal desire??? ANd why not? Afterall, even that arises from some deep liking and love for the person. it does not exist in vacuum, guys!!!

And if two people have that passion for sex and to be together, it is pretty obvious that they've that passion for life -- to live and laugh!

I think this can be a separate thread altogether.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by easygoing (474 days ago)

Tomy, regardless of some really strong opinions here.... stay calm and be analytical.
Your case is not unusal. A lot of affairs starts like that.

Enjoying a good time together with a friend is great. (no hassale on day to day family matters, no concern on expressing opinions etc) If that friend is a guy you would call each other good buddies, if that friend is an attractive girl then likely you cant help to share the joy of sex too...

It's great fun when there is no string attached and no expectation on each other's role. If your wife were just a new interesting friend you meet but you did not need to chase/pamper her - what can be the outcome ? Your lover know that you are married and she let herself go that far with you. It is improper behaviour. If people dont discipline themselves and let things happen and get hurt, I dont see that they can be justified.

Anyway, sex is only part of the relationship. It means a lot for a guy I understand, but a guy should also be responsible to be a complete man.

You will always have a big brain & a small brain in your life. Understand ?

If you have a good, trustful wife and a good marriage, I hope you will treasure her and treasure the relationship. It's you & your wife to spice up your intimacy.

The joy of a long lasting good relationship is happiness beyond words.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by naima (474 days ago)

Thou shall not steal your neighbor's wife.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by hoyo (473 days ago)

torny, the passion for the other woman will go away but your wife will always be here for you. actually the best is to have both.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Woz's Pup (471 days ago)

How come you can't imagine doing that bedroom stuff with your wife? How come you married someone you can't imagine doing kinky bedroom stuff with?! I understand you can love someone if the sex isn't... no actually I can't understand that!

Could you perhaps talk to your wife about spicing things up a bit? If you explore your sexuality together in an open and mature way, ask her to show you what she likes, ask her to do what you like in a mutually satisfying way, she might be willing to open up a bit, no pun intended.

Men do cheat because they're not satisfied at home. Keep your man satisfied and he won't cheat.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Woz's Pup (471 days ago)

Naima: I'm not one to preach, but the comandment you're thinking of is 'thou shalt not commit adultary'. It's simple, to the point. No need for interpretation.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fati (463 days ago)

It seems to me to read my husband s story. I hope that your wife will never know about this. I m still suffering since i.. found that my husband had an affair with a Chinese . as I reed all the email that they wrote each other, i though that I was reading a romance but it was really my husband that was in love with this girl he couldn’t live without her she was his dream need to see her every day (we was living in Europe) they saw each other every 2 months they chat every day ……..when I found about this they were enjoying their romantic week in a resort in mexico.i confronted him and what he say that he loves this lady he can t imagine his life without her . I was upset desperate with 2 children and pregnant doesn’t know what to do I depend economically on him 17years married . I choose to stay home . he asked me to give him time to forgot about here I never seen my husband crying he do it every day for here . he asked me to let him go on holiday with her wile I m staying at home with children and new born baby it was crazy in love he forgot about children it was like hypnotists by this Chinese lady. After few month he canceled this lady told me that he want to live with me that I m the only one that he love.
I was depressed I was in therapy for long time, two years later we moved to hong kong and the fact that I see every day Asiatic face I m still thinking about what my husband done I hate all Asiatic lady I can t support them I became very jealous controlling every thing. I m getting crazy I can’t remove all this thing from my mind I can t find help here as my English is not good I feel that psychologically not good . my life is only acting in front of my friends and children but when I m alone I cry and hope to sleep and not to weak up again.
I hope that your wife will never know about your story and I suggest you to cancel every sms and email that you send o this lady and take a decision if you don’t love you spouse talk with here and is better to let here and move on.know that I m writing in this forum is to late my husband is in shanghai for work he travel lot of. And when is not here I cant sleep and only think about what he is doing and if is with some one else mine it become a obsession i don’t know how can I live in this situation

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (463 days ago)

It is very human... people can fall in love again, being in one relationship.

I know, I faced it with my ex husband. And I let him go, actually asked him to leave, for two reasons -- I could not forgive him and also even if I had let him stay for the sake of our son/family/society/etc., I did not want to come between two lovers. And that is absolute truth.

Love is very important to me, and I knew to him too, as even our association was about love. So, I did not want to be strained by the burden that I separated two people in love for my selfish interests. Though I loved him then, he obviously had fallen out of love with me and in with another woman. I let him go to be with her... that's another story that she ditched him!! That is when he realised what a fool he was but it was too late.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (463 days ago)

My sympathies go out to fati and zonked. Having never been cheated on myself (that I know of) it's easy for me to have a zero tolerance opinion.

fati, can you not go live with your parents/brother/sister/cousin/friend and leave your husband? It's gotta be better than living in fear for the whole of your life?

OP should focus on his wife and his family and stop flirting on the internet with loose women who - at least in zonked's experience - will dump you anyway!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jrcarson (444 days ago)

I am a married Caucasian man in California USA, I had a Vietnamese girl friend and it was a similar situation, she started hedging about our relationship because I am married, My wife knew about her, In fact we traveled to Thailand, Hong Kong and Singapore together. While in Sigapore I paid the hotel bill and found long distance calls to the US that was when I found out about her other married boy friend. But she told me she was deeply in love with me and had the best sex she ever had. Take it from here.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by F100 (444 days ago)

To Torny,
sounds like you might be going through a mid-life crisis.

you talk about hurting your girlfriend....
what about your wife, perhaps, you should think about that.

i don't feel sorry for your girlfriend because she knew that you were married and it sure didn't bother her or at least stop her from making out with you.

at the end of the day, i am a strong believer of "treating other people the way you want to be treated."

food for thought.

(I am based in Hong Kong)