Treat them mean, keep them Keen.

Posted by 45828s (438 days ago)

Do you really believe it? should we hide our feelings? when I am in love, i just want to baby talk and cuddle with him. Am I stepping in the wrong direction?

Should I not tell him that I miss him when he's away on biz trip?

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Pumpkin (438 days ago)

Keep them lean...what - not feed them? Now that really would be mean!

Seriously, the saying is - keep them KEEN.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (438 days ago)

Maybe I should be mean to my boyfriend and see if he becomes lean? Not too lean. He looks like he's pregnant right now, 6 months!

Why wouldn't you tell him you miss him when he's on his business trip? Sounds perfectly normal to me. My fella was in the states for a week (poor him) and when he called I told him I missed him. I didn't say, 'I miss you, how could you leave me? We should spend every second together'. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and other kinky stuff I won't repeat.

It's normal right?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tia (438 days ago)

Mine's lean enough, thanks. Any leaner, he'll bloody disappear!!! :P

I've wondered about this too. Mine being LDR 90% of the year, I wonder if I should admit how much I miss him at times. But I figure, stuff it. I miss him. I don't get all maudlin, as Pupalicious says, and whine about why he is not with me but I do admit that I wish he were closer and that I could see/touch him.

You might want to be careful of being too lovey at the beginning, as it may scare some people off. I don't see anything wrong with letting your sigot know that you love/miss them. Otherwise, they may think you DON'T care and that could lead to cheating and other bad behaviour.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (438 days ago)

I never skip the opportunity to tell someone I love them...if anything, I worry I dont say it enough coz sometimes my mind gets awful crowded with everyday work stress, bills, silly little things left undone.

My mother was this morbid woman who would get livid with us if we left the house without saying goodbye everyday...simple trip to the schoolbus and off to school...if we were rushing for the bus, she'd march us right back in and make us say "Goodbye, Ma" and when we asked her with the big deal was she would be like *shrill voice* "You never know when you might get hit by a bus and die while crossing the road! Always make sure you said your last goodbye!"

Er...

Yeah, I kinda have a different take on that...while my mother may have been counting on a homocidal busdriver, I look at life a little different, lol. If you think someone is beautiful, say it. If you think someone has a beautiful smile, say so. If you think someone smells great, dont hesitate to say "Hell, you smell GREAT!" And for all its worth, you can never tell someone you love them enough...if you love someone, if you miss em, if you care...tell them...coz even if you think its daft and they ought to know how you feel...trust me, it will make their day to know they are thought of so fondly. What does it cost ya? *shrug shoulders* Nada. Plus, any day you could be crossing the street, get hit by a bus and die...*cough*

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by Aulelei (438 days ago)

the title of this posting put me in a laughing fit... just what i needed after a crap day :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tidings 2 (438 days ago)

I'm speachless (for a change) !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by raincatcher (437 days ago)

You people are so mean. You know what she's trying to say. So why don't you just answer her question?

My response: I will treat him "mean" when I'm still not sure if I can trust him (well, not exactly mean, but cold) but once our relationship becomes more stable, I won't hide my feeling.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by justin credulous (437 days ago)

I think I did answer...my answer was that its not cool to treat someone mean...live without fear. If someone takes advantage of your honesty and positive chi, they arent worthy of it.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by voiceofreason (437 days ago)

hi 45828s, i'm just going to paste in here some words of wisdom from other long-ago posters from these very threads:

"Test him/her. Control your emotions without being too cold, be open-minded and generous without being blind. That's a subtle c*cktail that one needs to practice regularly if one wants to avoid wasting too much time on the wrong target."

"Slower is better.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted."

i think it's all about balance...by all means tell him how you feel, but don't overdo it, and stay alert for signs from him to determine if those feelings are mutual or not.

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by voiceofreason (437 days ago)

...and about the baby-talk? DON'T do it, unless he starts it first!

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by Aijin (part again) (437 days ago)

Games... games... games... nah.

I'm with JC on this... if ya miss him tell him... if ya love him tell him... if it is not reciprocated you have your answer...

Time is too short folk for playing mind games... embrace the love and enjoy.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Pupalicious (437 days ago)

Yeah, voice, what's with the games playing advice? When I felt like I loved my boyfriend, I told him. I was the first one to say it, he didn't say it back to me straight away, but that's cool. Everyone takes their own time to say things. I think that if you feel it, you should say it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by raincatcher (437 days ago)

I second JC too. But I guess my biggest problem is to overcome the initial (un)trust issue. Not that I've ever been cheated by a man, but indeed I've been very lucky that all of them have been very sincere and genuinely like me for who I am, even at a time when I am at my all-time worst (meaning emotionally very sulky and thus looking horrible too). I guess my parents' divorce and seeing how my dad treated my mom has had a huge impact on how I see men.

But once I've overcome the initial stage of untrust, I will pour my heart out to him and will never hide my feelings. Why do we need to play mind games? Why can't we just be true to ourselves? I'm already playing (or rather, being forced to play) lots of "mind games" and politics in the office, I don't want to wear a mask when I'm not working.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by selda (437 days ago)

as long as you avoid smothering your partner...and saying 'i love you' like a 7/Eleven robot-cashier says 'welcome', you'll be fine. Being mean is not a very effective strategy, unless you are a dominatrix with a whip, and your partner likes to be abused.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by raincatcher (437 days ago)

But I also think that action speaks louder than words, although a couple of words once in a while will certainly spice up your relationship, especially for a person like me who is generally oblivious to any hints or signs of affection from men (that explains my ex's frustration when he wooed me).

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by annebin (437 days ago)

Depends what stage your relationship is at..if you're dating for 2 weeks, too much cuddling and baby talk will probably put him off. Don't know a lot of guys who enjoy that..

JC--
I'm like your mom, I always, always say and kiss my husband goodbye and goodnight (even if I'm mad at him) coz like what your mom says, you'll never know if it's the last time..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (437 days ago)

Yep, like the scientologists say, never go to bed angry.

I kinda dont mind going to bed angry, sometimes it helps to "sleep on it" and wake up feeling chirpy and forgiving.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by 45828s (437 days ago)

i told him that I kind of miss him. he didn't say it back to me.

He said he needs some space and just want to be home tonight. Good thing that his ALONE time includes me... :)

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by justin credulous (437 days ago)

Wait...I'm a little confused...he needs some space so why does his alone time include you? Are you going over even when he hinted at needing space? Or do you two live together?

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by 45828s (437 days ago)

To quote him "I've been around with too many stupid people for the last 2 days. No restaurant or going out, because I am in an anti-social mood. I just want to watch DVD and eat junk food at your place tonight."

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by justin credulous (437 days ago)

Ah, so thats antisocial time, not alone time...its more of a quiet night in. Cool, well just take things easy.

Hope you didnt say "I kind of miss you"...I mean, thats like...not committing to your feelings. The "kind of" bit. Like...a maybe.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by Pupalicious (437 days ago)

Awwww... eating takeaway and watching DVD's is soooo great. ANd it's so romantic and happy.

Eh, so he didn't say it back. Maybe he didn't miss you, guys are like that sometimes. It doesn't mean he didn't care. When my bf went on his business trip, luckily he's learnt that he has to say he misses me to make me happy, but I think he was too busy to actually miss me.

I think missing someone is when you feel a bit sad in your heart cos your significant person is so far away. Sometimes people are so independant they just don't feel like that, but they still care about you. Maybe your guy is like that?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 45828s (437 days ago)

I wasn't even sure if I sould say it or not...been seeing each other for 7 months, but thing were getting more intese lately. we've been spending almost everyday together since Xmas. and i don't know how to react to that

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by raincatcher (437 days ago)

If you want to say it, then do it. If I have to second guess how my partner will react, I don't think I want to have a long-term relationship with him because I can't be myself. Same with my friends.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Pupalicious (437 days ago)

It's 'keen' hunny. There are very helpful books called Dictionaries to help with spelling.

Why would you want to be with someone you always have to second guess? If you can't be completely natural and just be yourself with your bed partner, then why be with them?

I mean, one day we're going to get sick, maybe a stomach bug, and you're going to look awful and crap and sick, and he's going to see you like that. If you can't say what you want to him, how on earth is going to react further down the line when you get sick?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by raincatcher (437 days ago)

Second guessing normally exists in the initial stage of a relationship? At least thats what I think. But seven months should be long enough

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Blood Diamond (437 days ago)

It doesn't feel good when you tell someone "I miss u" or "I love u" and its not returned with "I love/miss you too". I had the same experience with ex. In the beginning, he would say it to me first. In the final stages of r/ship, my "I miss/love you" will be answered with "Thank you" at times. I hated it!

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by 45828s (437 days ago)

I guess I am just insecure when it comes to relationship, and not a great communicator...divorced parent, boarding school, single child, stuck up relatives...

Have learned to keep quiet since childhood, but hasn't learned when and how to express my feeling properly

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by raincatcher (437 days ago)

I know what you mean. I've learnt to reciprocate when I was told that my non-response to "I miss you", etc. really hurted him. I guess I'm the one who doesn't open myself up much, as least not as much as the man. But I'm much better now.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by aspect* (436 days ago)

once u had sex with men, i dun see how u possibly can "Treat them mean, keep them Keen".

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tia (436 days ago)

You can have sex with someone you are not keen on. After sex, they might be more keen than you are.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Blood Diamond (436 days ago)

I can't have sex with someone I am not keen on. But it depends on how "keen on" is defined. For me, it means "I am attracted to you and we have got good chemistry. Would like to see where it goes. If its not meant for long term, its still ok".


I have to admit that once or twice, I did sleep with guys I knew I wasn't 100% attracted to, and things would never work out between us. But my feelings for them was more tender after that. Having said that, I still behave the same around them when I see them, as though nothing has changed. HA!HA! If only they knew...

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by flashback (436 days ago)

The treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen philosophy works very well in insecure relationships. What the 'dominant' party does is create or capitalise on a situation where there is some uncertainty... a business trip, holiday or something, and fails to give full disclosure or is fuzzy about the facts... The treatee then tries to plan around the situation, but is completely unable to make a plan one way or another because of meanie's evasiveness etc...

I put up with a lot of meanie's for a while... Now... they get trashed... Can't be bothered with anyone who tries to make me insecure... For me, it's now play on the level or not at all.

Goodbye and good riddance to all meanies!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (436 days ago)

Oh... and btw... it's just another form of 'control' that people use to keep the other party 'in the game'... others include anger when challenged, passive resistance, learned helplessness, and mock wounded pride... and other emotional withholding strategies... are all manipulative disorders...

I'm kinda over all of this...

(I am based in Hong Kong)