Men and their pride

Posted by selda (491 days ago)

Have you ever met someone special, kissing him was like heaven, he was everything you were looking for, you clicked intellectually, emotionally etc, expectation and anticipation made you shiver with desire....but when you got physical it was a bit of a disaster....ackward, disconnected, unsatisfying, you were left craving for the passionate sex you thought fit for that kind of emotional connection. You didn't make him feel inadequate, after all the first time can be challenging for some people. But this guy disappeared nonetheless, no matter how loving and understanding of his problem you were.
It's something that had never happened to me before, so i am really puzzled at his reaction. I guess he is too embarrassed to talk to me again. But one would expect that a grown up man would be able to deal with his sexual problems in a grown up manner, instead of just fleeing.
In retrospect i can see that he probably suffered from this problem before, as he was taking things very slowly, he probably wanted to delay the inevitable and enjoy the romantic passion we had for as long as he could. It did seem weird that a man who is obviously very attracted and interested in developing a connection would avoid the sexual side of the relationship and just be happy with kissing and fondling. After all he is not 14.

(I am based in Other)

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Posted by jwm (491 days ago)

What have you done to let him know you are there for him, meaning, have you attempted to call him or e-mail him and let him know you are there for him and if there is a problem you want to help him, work through it wil him (assuming that you do).
If you did contact him and he did not respond, yes he probally is embarrassed and I think that is normal. Many times it is easier to deal with getting over someone than addressing the real issue which in this case is obviously very personal.
I don't it as all weird that he avoided the sexual contact. I think he knew what the consequences were going to be and wanted to enjoy the feelings he had for you as long as he could. It had nothing to do with pride. It sounds like he has some sort of medical issue that inhibits his performance sexually. I imagine that is very difficult to talk about with a partner. If you really care for this person, son't let up. Research how to best communicate with him about his problem. It will not happen overnight, he needs to really gain confidance in you to open up.
If you are not interested in dealing with this, it's best for him if you just leave it be

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (491 days ago)

oh for crying out loud, he liked you, he wanted into your pants, when he got to the party in your pants that you had invited him to somehow his johnson couldnt pay attention...you going "dont worry, its ok" in that oh so understanding way didnt make it any better for him and yeah...he wont want to see you again because he isnt the first, nor the last man, to have serious issues with the "dont worry about your problem, i understand" schtick. Whether this problem was a preparty freak out or a problem actually picking up the nerve, he aint going to be knocking on your door anytime soon.

I mean, a little empathy...right? Women these days arent as hung up on "performing" as the modern man who dates a Cosmopolitan reading filly! Sheesh!

You on the other hand, could do with losing the Mills and Boons fantasy of "romantic passion", "emotional connection", "heavenly kissing"...it could have been your overromanticised notion of what was to come that put unnecessary pressure on the wee man and had him freak out into one "awkward, disconnected, unsatisfying" mess who left you "craving for the passionate" whatever it was that you had hoped for.

You want him to come over and give it a second go? Well, best get it into your head that its not a "sexual problem" it was just a matter of nervousness...and if you were to let him relax and not make a "its ok, its not a big deal, we all have problems" in a patronizing tone, then he may have been able to perform at a later time instead of just fleeing...maybe you made him feel right for being embarrassed to the point he simply couldnt look you in the eye again. *shrug shoulders*

Stuff happens, never mind, we all have our off days. Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by jwm (491 days ago)

Interesting take on this issue JC. Normally I am right there with you and a no BS kind of person, but what would you say if the poor guy suffered from intimacy issues, apparently you think that is out of the relm of possability

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (491 days ago)

well, sounds like a cut and dried:

(a) premature *deleted*
or
(b) flag at half mast

But I could be reading it all wrong.

"passionate" la di dah, then "left craving" and homeboy legs it. OP refers to "sexual problems" something about "he is not 14" erm...

What is the most common problem with being 14?

Intimacy issues? Or the above two?

Women who have been in long term relationships know that these things happen every now and then, and its generally good to not make anything of it...just follow it up with a cuddle and not a "Its ok, baby...you will be fine, I am sure its just a temporary PROBLEM". hehe...that sort of thing can be like a sexual death sentence, doh!

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by momo8.. (491 days ago)

Ha! Well you probably placed too much pressure on him and in his eagerness to 'come up' to your expectations he failed miserably and it ended up being a total disaster and a totally embarassing experience for him.Maybe he wasn't ready to follow through with jumping in the sack with you.
He also sounds a bit immature ,if he was that into you then he'd be able to discuss the problem not just poof off into thin air.But that of course depends on what you said to him during and after the experience.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by spannermonkey (491 days ago)

Without sounding harsh, have you ever thought he wasnt that 'into' you when it came down to it?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by justin credulous (491 days ago)

Ouch! Spanner has a point, maybe if we knew the whole story we'd be done with these assumptions. Although something tells me elaborations may have to be of the PG 13 variety, although in this day and age there isnt much a 13 year old doesnt know! *SMH*

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (491 days ago)

selda: another probably inane question - Is this the Guy you met over the net that you mentioned in your 'crushes' thread?

and do you want to see him again?... save/help him?...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by momo8.. (491 days ago)

So who 'initiated' this contact?Maybe you wanted it and he just wasn't that into you. If it was you who wanted to have sex and he wasn't ready for it then Okaaaaaaaay I can see the problem.Still vague though more info please.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (491 days ago)

Well, i do believe that he was into me....You don't spend hours kissing someone you are not interested in, do you?

I sent him various emails to tell him that i missed him and wanted to see him again...so i guess i gave him enough reassurance that it was not a make or break thing...no reply. I mean, if it had never happened to him before, he would want to try again (who knows, alcohol, stress, loss of sleep might have contributed to the problem)
I am more inclined to think that it's not a one-off thing, maybe it's a problem that he has had for a long time, but didn't want to discuss...maybe he hoped we would only kiss and enjoy a romantic liaison for as long as possible.

What do i want to do now? I am not sure. It's now up to him. I stretched my hand but couldn't reach him. He lives in another city, so if he doesn't want to keep in touch, it's very easy for him to just disappear from my radar...and again, i think that maybe he was fishing in the HK pool because he would run no risk to bump into the women he meets on the Net. Yes, we met on the Net. He visited a few times, and then retreated to his cave, many miles away.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by justin credulous (491 days ago)

Ok, so you think its a permanent issue then? AND he lives in a totally different city? So this is LDR thingy? Hmmm...and you like him...why? What are the saving graces you see that you should want to pursue this further, above and beyond the call of duty? I mean...plenty more fish in the sea right?

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by momo8.. (491 days ago)

What do you mean 'he would run no risk to bump into the women he meets on the Net???'This sounds rather strange all around.If he lives in another city how much do you actually know about this guy?
An LDR with someone you met in the internet is risky and poses all sorts of questions and problems.If you sent him several e-mails and he hasn't replied well don't fret so much over it,you did your best,if he comes around fine if not move on,don't fret over something you can't control.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by trix (491 days ago)

Maybe he was just a player. He went on an elaborate chase for the hell of it. And when he finally got sex, he lost interest (even during the act) and decided to bail.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Stephany Cool (491 days ago)

Selda, I agree with momo, it sounds like a pretty risky thing. Maybe it's not all bad that you didn't get too involved...

anyway, back to the main theme, I guess you are right, Selda--c'mon gals, we know how accurate our instincts are, especially when everything was quite obvious here: he was very into her, enjoyed getting itimate with her to an extent, and now decide to "drop it like it's hot"...

Guess we just have to move on without those who decide to quit the stages of our lives. Life is too short, right, JC?

Trix, it'd have been a hell lot easier if what you assum was true.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by wakatipuqt (491 days ago)

selda, sounds a bit dodgy to me...you met on the internet and he lives in another city?? are you sure he isn't married and had a flash of conscience when push came to shove...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (490 days ago)

well maybe, it was a bit dodgy after all, whenever he visited he never spent the entire weekend here, only half of it. I think he was afraid that two nights here would mean more pressure to get physical. It's easier to handle one night, because you have a lot of catching up to do and he probably thought i would not put out with someone who didn't make time for me, and therefore he could keep playing the romantic card every time he visited. There was always an excuse for going back.
Who knows, he could as well be married and looking for a bit of fun. I actually asked him half-jokingly the first time he came here...he obviously denied it.

If he was after sex only, i don't think he would have hooked up with someone who lives in an other Asian city, plenty of fish where he lives.

If something went wrong, i can't see how it could be my fault. I didn't misrepresent myself, what you see is what you get, i don't have fake body parts, and acted in a way that other men found perfectly fine in the past. If you like someone you want to get intimate...unless you have some hangups in that department. Or who knows, maybe he wasn't ready, still thinking about some ex...but again, why drag it on for a month if you are unsure??

I know i have to move on, whatever problem this guy has, it can only affect my mental stability. I am not a nurse and have no intention to double up as a sex therapist. My job is demanding enough. I want a guy who has sorted himself out before embarking on a relationship with me.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Azraille (490 days ago)

I am beginning to think bandiets assessment of only three admirable baggage and issue free men remaining was not too far of the mark… and that means one for you Zelda and one for me… and one just in case…

Anyhows best of luck with the next one… after all perusing potential princes is quite a pleasant way the while away the meantime…

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by selda (490 days ago)

Yes, i think his main issue is cowardice. His baggage must be so heavy he can't even muster the courage to end this relationship. but i guess he probably bask in the attention...my emails must be soothing his wound.If i don't intend to see somebody again, i tell him. Nothing to lose. I prefer a clean cut to an gangrene. Right now he is still open to the risk of my phone calls and text messages. A risk he could offset by being direct and telling me he doesn't want to hear from me again, good luck.

Is it so difficult to tell someone "game over"?

I want to move on, but i also need some kind of closure. Arghhh!

The three elusive "men without baggage" mentioned by Bandiet are out there...the hunting season is open and i'd better join Azraille before they go into winter hibernation.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by selda (490 days ago)

and i can't fail to notice the irony...everytime i check (well, often!) the email account we used to communicate, i find a message titled "The reason behind it". It's from a peddler of Viagra and Cialis. Maybe i should spare $2 and get a blue pill. I can keep it my bag till the right time comes, and offer it as a candy to my next 'victim'. I can see my mind turning wicked after this experience....

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Furrowed Brow (490 days ago)

I'd forget him Selda. I mean, what do you guys have in common? What is the connection?
I am sure he does have baggage and issues, but most people do.

I think in a way that is what makes us interesting - though granted we all pack and unpack our baggage in different ways. I get the impression a lot of people expect emotional perfection from men and women. It just isn't going to happen.

Purely on male instinct though and nothing else, its obvious this guy isn't being straight up with you. You are not likely to get closure either - sad but true.


Sometimes I get mad at myself for not letting people like that go - they are the types that get under my skin for some reason. If I like them it hurts and even if I didn't care for them it can make me angry as hell. And childishly, like a certain singer, I bear more grudges than High Court judges.



I'm long winded as usual - but the point I am making is that maybe you will get angry and upset about this guy - but I think its more about how you feel he's treating you than anything else.

He's wrong for you and you are probably wrong for him so let it go. And don't go looking "for the men without baggage" - if they turn up I am sure there would be a post on Asia Xpat about people worried that they have met someone with no issues and no baggage. That's what happens when you get a lobotomy!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetually) (490 days ago)

FB: Agree with the need to be ‘interesting’ but also emotionally secure, understanding of thee issues, appreciative of the baggage and ready to start again no strings attached… Strength of character IMHO is admirable…

The totally unfeasible one of the ones who inadvertently became my benchmark had issues beyond comprehension but aired them and knew he had to deal with them. And I suppose that was part of the attraction – helping a fellow lost soul and all that… however all I could do was be an empathetic ear to nibble… I even refused to allow my trusted friend the grape access to the party (and believe me that was indeed a first)… But knowing that good men get kidnapped by thee pesky aliens I skipped home alone to my sanctuary in the sewer and by doing so in a way did save him from something… but of course not before my suitcase gained another absolutely divine notch…

Anyhows I do not think any of us are looking for perfection… just first and foremost trust and honesty… a genuine smile… and an open and worthy heart…


Oh and nice abs… and eyes that undress you… and…

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by searcher6 (490 days ago)

Aijin,

Did you ever close with the guy? You sure he is not overlooking the river/bay some mondays sipping on a martini wondering what happened?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partially perpetual) (490 days ago)

Questions… questions…
Answers: No and No...

I like martinis though…

(I am based in Unspecified)