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Boy friend still cares about ex girl friend
Posted by junenie (376 days ago)
Hi, I wonder if you have been in this kind of situation before. I just learned from my boy friend that he still has contact with his old girl friend while he promised and said he has deleted all her contact number and will not contact her.
Here is some background, I met my boy friend for a month and half now and we have developed a mutual committed relationship. Our communication is open and I believe he tells me everything that I ask. Before we met, my boy friend just broke up with his two-year, on-and-off remote relationship (they met on weekends) and according to my boy friend, it is not the kind of loving and caring relationship we are in right now. He claimed I am the woman he has been looking for and he loves me very much.
He also told me about why and how he broke up with ex girl friend. She was physical and they fighted a lot, in their two-year relationship, they broke off and came back to each other numerous times. Then we met through an online dating service, later I found when we met, it was only two days after he sent her text message to break up after tried to reach her but failed few times during their break-up.
Then one day my boy friend told me his ex girl friend came to see him though he has told her he has found the woman he wants to be with. He will not see her. Irregardless, his ex girl friend came to his apartment and waited at the door. She has sent him voice messages, text messages and my boy friend has shown me he will not see her.
I don’t doubt that my boy friend wants to be with me, last week, the ex girl friend called him and told him she was in hospital and wanted to see him. My boy friend told me about it and he said he replied that he will not go see her. That was last week.
Until yesterday, I asked if the girl has contact him recently and he said no. I asked him if he has contacted her, he said yes he sent her text message to ask her if she is alright.
I was furious and I asked him “what do you want from her’? He has promised he will cut all contact with her (I didn’t ask him to do that, he promised that is what he will do after all the hurt he went through for being with her). I asked him if he still loves her, he said “I don’t know”…
Here goes the whole story. The hurt on me brought from discovering the fact he still cares for her and still opens a door for her when he has promised me I am the only woman in his life. I told him how do you expect me to trust you? Now I will start wondering if at some time the girl may ask to see my boy friend with reasons like I am very sick and I need to see you…or other things that she knows for sure will touch my boy friend.
We have been spending time together every day and to me, I don’t understand why he still wants to contact and care for the ex girl friend, especially after he claimed all he wants is me and all that…
I am really hurt and I am not sure if I should just let him get back to his ex girl friend to resolve whatever issues they have then he may know better and decides what he wants. To do that, I will have to take the first step to break up with him, thinking about this now hurts me so much…
I am stuck and now I always think of the ex in our future and worry.
Your advise for how I should handle this situation is highly appreciated.
Thanks so much,
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by car_lover (376 days ago)
I think u shld just break up with him. U said that he just broke off with his ex of 2 yrs and immediately telling u that he likes u a lot after a month and then he can't his mind of his gf...to me, he still can't get over her and might be using u to get over her. Give him space to clear his mind otherwise, u might get into a bigger heartache if u keep this going.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by flashback (376 days ago)
No, don't break up with him. Give him the time he needs to dice her. Tell him you know he cares about you, and that this girl is making it hard for him. Listen very carefully... (are you listening)... never ask a man if he still loves his ex.
I'll tell you why, because of course he does, on some level, and then he will have some doubt about you.
Are you listening? Second point... men will go with the one they think is the 'safe bet'. You seem doubtful and insecure now. That'll be the end of you if you don't perk up and run the other one out of town.
Congratulate him for not going to see her. Tell him you are going to work with him to help him end it, that you care for him etc... (i.e. if you really do)...
The relationship with this girl wasn't a good one. It will not survive. If you want to give it a shot with this guy, hang around but be firm. She's got to go... Don't start sowing the seeds of doubt in his mind about if you care for him or believe in him or not.
Remember, this girl will do everything now... late night calls... crying and hanging around the apartment... It's the MO of a hysterical person... seen it very often... Be calm. Just remember, who stays, wins.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by caralu (376 days ago)
If you really want this guy, hang in there, but it may be messy for a while. Might be best to tell him to call you when he's got rid of this girl, and is free to date you.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by arkatkat (376 days ago)
better be calm and see if he is the guy you really want...
if so, give him more time and he is a grown up man.. should know how to get rid of his ex... if not, better not to stay with him...
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by junenie (374 days ago)
Dear all friends, thank you for your opinions and suggestions. Yes, my boy friend and I both agreed to take some time off from our intense relationship and to assess what we each want and can give.
There was another incident happened over the weekend and lead us to decide if we need to take a break. The incident is not about that girl but more about our expectations for each other. Maybe the girl is one factors and that just says taking time off will be best for us to sort things out both with the girl and within ourselves.
You have provided your valuable suggestions and I feel I am supported and not alone in this kind of situation. I will be patient and hope for the best.
And, is there a perfect match? Hehe...What will be the deciding factor (or factors) when you know, "yes, he/she is the one for me, i have to be with him/her"?...I have been thinking about that after all the searches. With my boy friend, that is one thing I am thinking hard now. After all, I met him for only months time and the relationship has developed too fast and leaves me with some strange tension I can't really explain...Taking time off is important because once we both decide to get back together, I want to be sure he is really the man for me.
Thank you all so much again my friends,
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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