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Insecurity - infidelity
Posted by 45828s (388 days ago)
I caught my BF sleeping with another woman 2 weeks ago. I haven't confronted him yet. He doesn't know what I know...
Now he's going away on a biz trip for a week. I don't know how can i trust him.
I don't want to break up with him, should I just swallow it until he does it again? or confront him with preparation that I might lose him?
(I am based in Shanghai)
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Posted by Justin Credible (388 days ago)
Why dont you want to break up with him?
And what "preparation that I might lose him"? It appears you already have...
Does he use condoms with you? Do you think he used it with her?
Think long and hard...you can be a victim if you want to be...or you can look at this as the wake up call you needed. You arent with the right guy who respects you.
Life is too short to waste...so please, explain...why dont you want to leave him? Why the fear of losing him?
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Justin Credible (388 days ago)
On second thought...just read your other thread...dump him. What are you waiting for? The hand of God to come down and give you the clap? yuck! this guy is a loser, seriously you would be doing yourself a great disservice by stayin.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by 45828s (388 days ago)
fear to be alone. I am in my mid 30. Work takes up 80% of my time, I am losing my look and frakly I am just happy to have someone to cuddle with.
yes, he used condoms with HER, because he asked her to bring some in his SMS.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Justin Credible (388 days ago)
I'm sorry...but I guess you can take a horse to water, but you cant make it drink, right?
If you honestly believe that life is about being with someone who cheats on you ALL the time, or that life is about work, and you are willing to live your life for a cuddle and insist that somehow that is happiness...you are not with the wrong person...you are simply with the wrong frame of mind.
You honestly think this is your lot?
Then why ask for advice at all? Right? You honestly can tell me you are happy with that meager allowance of "someone to cuddle"? Mid 30's? And? So because you are in your mid 30's, you best settle for the short straw? Knowingly?
You arent even married, and already you have made your mind up about settling for less than you deserve? (I say that because, in marriages...with children involved, it can be understandable if someone settles for what they have so as not to rock the boat...but you are not married, no kids...all that you think is your handicap is your age and your work...*SMH*)
Man...thats just not right, and you know it. Do you want to stick with this guy, unhappily, into your 40's and then he dumps you and runs off with someone? What will you say then? Oh man, I should have left him when I was in my mid 30's at least then I would have had the time to find someone better...even if not prince charming, someone marginally better than this disrespectful fool. And then you will cry about having wasted opportunity.
Dont become like my grandmother...at 70, yelling at the man you are with...yelling "I should have frikken left you when I had the chance!!! I could have done so much better! Hell, even alone, my life would have been so much fuller!" Er, yeah...trust me, think about it. He has made you feel low by doing this, and you may be a bit shot to s*** in the self esteem department...but this is NOT your best option. He is NOT the best you can do.
Go watch that movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". That movie, I watched it over the weekend, hell, it is anything but happy! But it sure as hell should be a wake up call! I mean, never settle for less. If you want something that you think will make you happy, GO! Get off your rear and make it happen! Dont fool yourself into believing that a relationship will make you happy, life is more than that. You dont have to be with someone to be happy. I know its easier said than done...but I am trying to tell you here that you are NOT weak, you can do so much better...but you aint going to get anywhere if you dont get out there and believe you can and make the darndest effort to be happy.
Good Luck.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by tigger (388 days ago)
hi justin , i think you have answered my question..but i still need some advice...thanks
You got mail btw.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Goloh (388 days ago)
You're going into his phone and reading his SMS?
He can't buy his own condoms?
Are the two of you engaged?
Did you have some understanding that you wouldn't see other people? Was it only your understanding, or on both sides?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by 45828s (388 days ago)
OK, i admit that i shouldn't read his SMS.
We are not engaged, but when we entered our relationship, the condom issue was specifically brought up by HIM. He asked me if we can "NOT" use condom, since we are only seeing each other and just got results back from our body check (visa).
I guess I misunderstood him, he probably means "no condom" sex with only me, but can still have sex with all the women he wants
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Goloh (388 days ago)
Well, briefly, I agree with JC: move on. Sounds very unlikely you're going to get any kind of commitment. Aim for a slightly older man.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by flashback (388 days ago)
Doesn't this kinda make you feel, well, a bit ...eh... sick? Doesn't your flesh kinda crawl when you think of what this guy has been doing..., and now he wants to do it with you?...
Probably the guy is into prostitutes, or some equally desperate women like yourself, who will put up with all of this for the sake of having a steady guy and sex or cuddles when they want it. Okay, I understand that not everyone is strong enough to do free fall, and some need a soft landing...
As someone considerably older than yourself, I would tell you forget the rubbish about being past it by your mid-thirties. Actually this is a very good age to be (though I really am so glad I made it to where I am! I have to say, it just keeps getting better for me...So, bear that in mind, kid)... Sweetheart, well, if you still need a bit of sex and cuddling from this guy (though how you can stand it I don't know), then take it but on your terms. Take the soft landing, but you are going to have to figure on a life alone for a short time soon anyway because this guy isn't going to go for the long haul.
Whether you stay or leave in the short term, it's important to start to make yourself the star of your own life. Go out with a few friends, be less available... Tell him you know about the other girls and he'll have to wear a condom with you now too - IF, that's is, YOU decide to sleep with him - Take some control. Don't just take the relationship on his terms... and when you're done getting everything you need from him - dump him. Hope you come out clean sooner rather than later.
... and really... Just take it from me, I don't care how many young, lithe, brown-or-white skinned women are out there, truth is, most men find them boring, petulant, immature and demanding. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to compete with that...
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by 45828s (388 days ago)
I know I am in a mental prison of my own now. I just need some advise on how to bring it up with him or not.
YES, I want to try and give him another chance. I know I am spinless. but I really want to try...
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by flashback (388 days ago)
Give him another chance? At what? What is it you want? Do you want him + the other girls in the relationship, or do you want him to drop them and stay committed to you?
45828s take some control, and tell him that you know about the other girls. No need to tell him how... Tell him you just do, and that there's no point in lying about it, but what does he want to do now?
Tell him what you want. Ask him can he do it. If he can't then, adios... no turning back la...
It's not hard to bring this up. Call him and tell him you'd like to come over. Then just tell him that you know. Ask him why if you feel the need to do that to yourself, and if he intends to continue that kind of behaviour.
But, I would say that the NO CONDOM deal is completely off, and that he has breached the trust of the relationship. You could be lucky and lose him.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by flashback (388 days ago)
... Oh wow... just realised this is the no sex, cuddle only, pot-head guy we're taking about...
Man... what do you want to keep? You're getting nothing now anyway...
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by chris79 (388 days ago)
Just drop the guy now that you still have some selfrespect left. The longer this lasts the lower you will feel....
(I am based in Beijing)
Posted by Justin Credible (388 days ago)
I think you have your answer here, in more than a few words...
You are with the wrong man, move on.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Justin Credible (387 days ago)
"I want to try to give him another chance" I mean...hmmm, he isnt even aware you found out and he sure as hell aint begging...you have only been with this plank about 8 months, I think its safe to say that you dont have a lifetime of wonderful fields of daisies to look forward to...
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by csun009 (387 days ago)
45828s, mid-thirties is very young age to have your type of worries. You are at your prime age for sex, look and career. If you think you've been neglecting your look a bit, visit a beauty saloon and lift up your self esteem. You need to love yourself first before you want any love from others. With regards to your man, bin him TODAY!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by car_lover (387 days ago)
A cheater will always be a cheater and if he finds out ur so into him, he might make use of u as a backup. Do wat the others said, dump him. He doesn't respect u at all, that's why he cheated on u.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by autumnheart (385 days ago)
Pls allow me to share my experience which happened fairly recently -
My boyfriend (ex now) treated me as his 'official' girlfriend while sleeping with many others. An important point in our relationship was that I always felt he's constantly accelarating and deccelarating in terms of the progress of our relationship. Just on Chinese New Year's eve, I found out the evidence proving that he slept with other girls during the 7 months we were together.
Well, I left him at the time. But after a month or so, I started thinking 'well, maybe he's just not into monogamy which is nothing wrong really as animals are not supposed to be monogamous'. So I felt prepared to negotiate with him on a term that as long as he's not taking girls to his place, we could still be together. To my surprise, he agreed on that.
But in the 2 days we were 'back together', I felt something was very wrong. First, he would not be intimate with me in front of his close friends even if we were sitting on the same couch (unlike the 'old times'). Two, he used to call me pretty much soon after he landed back in HK from business but during the time we were supposed to be "back together" he didn't. There were other strange little things that made me doubt when he meant by being 'back together'.
So I confronted him, and he tried to talk me into not having a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, but instead, just keeping it as a 'friendship' so to speak since the gf/bf relationship makes him lose his 100% freedom. Now maybe I didn't make it clear from the start, but what I wanted was exactly a gf/bf relationship since it means a certain extent of commitment. But I guess he knows what he wants and now that's pretty much the end of our 'relationship'.
So the moral of the story is that the urge of sleeping around might just be a symptom to a much bigger issue, i.e., a guy just doesn't want to commit and, in my ex's case, to lose his much treasured freedom in a commitment. So even if you've forgiven him, like I sort of did, and perhaps even let him sleep around while you two were still together, his fundamental psychological issue would still be there, i.e., the yearn for freedom.
Of course, it's a difficult decision to make since there are emotions involved. But pls ask yourself if you're back with him, would you have to constantly worry about whether he'd ever commit to the relationship, not to mention sleeping around?
A very close friend of mine once said this to me after a breakup and it really woke me up from my sorrows and depression. He said,
"Give him a break, give YOURSELF a break..."
Hope that it helps and that you'll make a decision that's most comfortable for you.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by coolbabe888 (385 days ago)
Wake up Call sweety it's the year 2007, women no longer need men to live a good life! If he sleeps around he obviously doesn't love nor does he respect you. He will keep doing it and he'll eventually dump you. Ditch him & get yourself a new man- get a make over, work out, and get yourself some self-respect & self-confidence woman!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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