Recovering from infidelity - how long does it take

Posted by polarduck (382 days ago)

I found out my husband had another woman for 3 years. I spoke with about this in Feb this year. He said he wanted the family back and had a clean break with the woman. I found out I had cancer in April and had a major operation done. Now I am home for 2 months already. We have lots of arguments because I didn't have much chances to release my anger, sadness and frustration after I confronted with him because of the disease. My husband always says I have to move on without mentioning about the affair again. We have lots of arguments all the time. I always tell him it's only 2 months and how can I pretend nothing has happened. I am very sad because if I have had cancer only, I would receive a lot of care from my husband. Now he had an affair which have lasted for a long time, I have to argue with him all the times because of this. I receive the care much less that I could have got. I want to ask those who has been cheated on, how long do you recover from the trauma ?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Find what you are after in our Hong Kong A-Z Directory

Posted by cute_sense (382 days ago)

My Dear Polarrduck, You are given a 2nd chance to be alive so to speak after you cancer operation. Try your best to move on. STOP the arguments; think positive put the past (unhappy things) behind - the cancer has been removed. I sugguest you seek counselling. Good luck and SMILE..... SMILE........ :-) You're ALIVE!

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by polarduck (381 days ago)

Thanks cute sense. We are going to counselling. I tried to forget about the past, but I am just a human. Sometimes, the anger and the sadness come from nowhere. I just feel sad. But my husband could not handle the situation and turns out into arguments. I don't know when my feelings of pain, sadness and frustration will go or will just stay on until I can bear with them.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by clan (381 days ago)

It is really really hard to get over the infidelity. I've been there. It really depends on what you want. Do you want to be with him. If yes then you do need to move forward. Counselling is a good move. I agree with cute sense. Use this opportunity to start again. Things will never be the same. You will take a long time to trust. It will be hard not to throw things back at him especially when you are feeling low and vulnerable. The pain will go but it will take time. Your husband is right you cannot keep bringing it up but there must be the opportunity for you to express your sadness, anger and frustration. Maybe you could limit it to counselling. However your husband can't just expect it to go away and be normal...it can't...not yet. That would be insensitive. Just go with it and try to forgive...if you want any chane to make it work. But don't beat yourself up if you feel anger and frustration...call a friend and tell her.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by numberone (381 days ago)

I totally understand how you are feeling with regards to the anger. It's impossible to keep it bottled up inside but if you express it then you suffer the consequences. My husband and I have been back together for over a month and I had been trying not to get in the habit of punishing him over and over but it meant that my anger just built up with no where to go. Finally, on the weekend I let it out. I screamed, broke things and actually hit my husband (something I have never done in the 30 years that I have known him). After we both calmed down we were able to talk and I now feel more ready to move foward. I had to unload the anger but I realize now that if I continue to do that our marriage will suffer and most likely fail. It's not easy, clan is right, you have to decide what you want. Try to focus on your health, that's what's most important.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rm_60611 (378 days ago)

You can forgive but you'll never forget. Very hard to get over something like this, trust me. But time will make things better. It'll be very difficult for you to trust him again and maybe you never will. But if you love him you'll give it a try and so will he
Good luck

(I am based in Kuala Lumpur)

Posted by southstand (377 days ago)

There is some good advice here. First of all you both need to figure out if you really want to be in this. It's been 3 years since my wife strayed on me and we are still together but it has not been easy. I have posted elsewhere here on some other columns with more details.

If you both want to be in this then you both need to:


- first and foremost you must recognize and accept what has happened whether right or wrong
- listen to the other person when they need to talk about it
- seek counselling

It's been 3 years for me and my wife. We've had some tough times along the way. Particulary in the begining she did not want to accept or recognize what had happened or talk about it. But I needed to. With some counselling we were able to move forward. This first bit was very tough. But with every day I am feeling better about it and we are able to "talk" about it if needed rather than "argue" about it as we so often did in the begining.

Good book I would recommend is

After the Affair
Janis Abrahms Spring

Good luck to you....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by polarduck (377 days ago)

I was away for a few days and missed all these replies. Thanks for all the advice. I am more calm now when I talk with him. My husband is now willing to go back to counselling. I was a very happy person before and his affair has changed me to another person. I hope I can get over it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dolce (374 days ago)

Polarduck, i am sorry to hear that
hope you can get over it and become a very happy person again
take care

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (373 days ago)

I have seen, with my experience and of others, that there are basically two types of relationships these days.

1. Where people are just plain lucky to have everything going for them, love, closeness, lust, and so are just really happy in that relationship.
This also means that they're the lucky few these days who do not cheat on eachother.

2. Where the two make it work. Want it to work and so work towards it. In this category also lie the couples who'll cheat but will still want to work towards their marriage. And this has to be cooperated more by the person cheated on. If he/she is willing to let go and again, wants to work on the marriage, it will happen.

As someone else has written -- you need to decide what you want? And initially, every one wants to work on their marriage as there're a number of years behind it and you don't want to leave all that suddenly, even when you're hurt. But only time can tell if you'll actually stick together.

In my case, I could not get over it, could not forgive, could not forget. So I finally gave up.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (373 days ago)

Forgot to write, in the latter type, when you WORK for it to work, the real, plain joy and happiness will never be there. Even after any length of time. What is once destroyed, is destroyed. And no, this isn't pessimism, it's reality. And esp. if you want to be one of those, you've to be prepared for that. The "bliss" factor of the r'ship will be lost forever.
SO, it isn't easy, but you choose that and be happy with that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by polarduck (373 days ago)

Zonked, you're right. Even when my husband is good to me, tries to care about me, I don't feel the same as before. I just lost the feeling of 'love'. I have 2 children. The older one is 14 and he once told me he doesn't want a divorced family and that's the main reason for me to stay on the relationship. But I don't feel 'joy' and 'happy'. Maybe it's only a short while after he confessed.

(I am based in Hong Kong)