Why married man wants an affair?

well, I'm just wondering why is that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by ador (2081 days ago)

Thanks Thornaturge.

That's mean men just want to have sex with the "meat"? there has no love at all?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by John-GZ (2080 days ago)

Or he simply has sex for fun. Men are more capable of separating sex from emotion. To most guys there is a huge difference between having sex with some girl he met in a bar and making love to his wife.

Guys have sex with young girls for the same reason women buy new shoes. It makes them feel good. Simple as that.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by ador (2080 days ago)

In my case, I met this guy in my office not in the club or other place, I'm quite new to this office, and recently I found that he pay attention on me, he's always looking at me, of cos, he caught my attention too, I dont know if he is really married/attached or separated, what I guess it's just from his ring.

Well, you know you can sense something if there has something else. Do you guys think I should stay away from this guy? or still getting along with him?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by buddha plastique (2080 days ago)

Well, what exactly was your question?

"Why do married men cheat?"
or
"Why do women screw married men?"

Coz if you dont know for a fact that this guy is not married despite seeing the bleepin ring on his finger and you are asking "should I stay away from him?" all coz he's paying you attention...I mean, has he said he wants to have an affair with you? Or are you thinking of an affair with him?

erm...does any of it matter? If you dont like him, he is simply your colleague...regardless of whether or not he gives you the eye. If you do like him, he's that colleague who gives you the eye and is most likely married, so simply thinking that one through will tell you your answer.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bell-boy (2080 days ago)

adors, are you wondering why married men have affairs, because you think their wifes dont understand them, or they are bitches...?

Are you hoping that he may leave her for you? --- it has been known to happen, but if you are attracted to this guy, I suggest that you give yourself a 'huge' reality check..... this will only bring you down, and perhaps affect your work, and you dont want that....:)

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by ador (2079 days ago)

Thanks,buddha plastique & bell-boy, you guys are right. I think I should stay away from him. I dont wanna be the 3 parties and it really will affect my work.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cwk (2073 days ago)

There are many reasons for married men to have affairs. Affair partners can also be married, sometimes. But ONE common fact remains - there is something about Morals here. When people get married, they USUSALLY would have vowed to stay faithful. So well, it's the classic adage of "consenting adults". People take chances. Bottom line is the guy has some issue about the wife and wouldn't want to confront the issue and second, his moral standards have been compromised and he didn't mind it. So the other party has to decide whether that's acceptable or even if it's NOT acceptable, this person must be able to find something ELSE to compensate for the moral issue. Sometimes, could be money. Sometimes, could be just body warmth. Sometimes, could be career prospects. Sometimes, could be really love.

There are just too many combinations to extra marital affairs to have one common answer. The only common thing is the moral issue. The parties involved have to deal with it, one way or the other.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cwk (2073 days ago)

By the way, I came here looking for Trading Post. Where has it gone?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nuts&Bolts (2072 days ago)

Evidently you came here - because the eye strain of the new (UN) improved website blighted your vision.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dasia (2072 days ago)

cwk, It's under Classifieds.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chinapumpman (2072 days ago)

men cheat because they enjoy the attention..
as they get older they do not attract the same beauties as before, if they ever did.
asia gives men a huge chance to do this, as generally asian woman are relatively freer than their western counterparts.
however men are hunters, that is in their nature...
some can supress their natural instinct..others cannot..
"cheating" is an individual choice..there is no rhyme or reason to it...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by ocm (2072 days ago)

OK What about this.......
Why do married women cheat?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by malibu07 (2071 days ago)

there are a few reasons, ocm. it could be because: (1) husband does not spend time with wife (2) marriage has problems (3) women finding something in an outsider which her husband does not have and (4) married women want to take revenge on cheating husband. we live in a society where we deal with the opposite sex all the time, and i think it is inevitable that you bound to run into someone you find attractive or has reasons that attract your attention from time to time. sometimes its innocent attraction, sometimes it leads to an extra marital affair (depending on where you both take it). i have had a similar experience recently. i am attracted to someone whom i barely know. he has been giving me the eye for a while. at first, i didn't notice him much but as weeks go by, he strangely grew on me. i keep telling myself that this is just crazy that i am feeling this way. i don't plan on making anything out of this situation, thinking that this attraction / obsession will pass eventually. i am 4 years married and to this date is my first time feeling a little distracted from our marriage. i don't have an answer, but anyone has advise for me i would be grateful.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purplelady (2071 days ago)

Malibu - If you are so completely in love and happy within your relationship, then why would you take all the risks from what you currently have for a fling with another man? Due to what ever reason for a married woman and men half of the marriage end up divorce.
Guys tend to get lazy when it comes to maintaining their relationship with their wife. Arguments tend to rise and you don't seem to get along with each other any more. You seem to drift apart and you can't find yourselves back to each other.

So before you take that next step into another guys life. Look deeper into yours to see what you can do to get the man you once fell in love with back into your life.
Ask the question, do you really want to ruin all the years together with your husband to have a "short fling," that really won't go any where.

Remember try and communicate and tell your husband you need him. Make him feel like you want it to work. This is all why women and men cheat.

Men and Women pls don't neglect your spouse!!

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Titina (2071 days ago)

make all that you want... if your husban is living an affair and you feel better doing the same. do it!!!
i was in same situation!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ocm (2071 days ago)

With me i just suspect my hubby is having an affair, have done for a couple of years. He works abroad. I have no proof and maybe it is just my insucurity making me think this. He is still the best husband in the world and a great father. Recently i met someone through work. It was an instant attraction and grew over many months of mostly contact through email alone. The times i was in his company i was deeply attracted and the felling was clearly mutual. Recently we ended up in bed. It is a different attraction to the love and contentment i feel with my hubby. It was the kind of attraction you feel in your stomach and takes your breath away when you are around that person. I guess it is the female equivalent of a mid life crisis. The whole thing has left me feeling elated but very confused as i am the most straight person in the whole wide world.
Not looking for answers or anyone telling me i am right or wrong just using this forum to get this secret off my back. Obviously there is no way i am going to discuss it with anyone. Not even my closest friend. This is why i know this is (was) just a fling.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cwk (2071 days ago)

It sounds more like lust than love, ocm. Sorry to say. But if you don't take it further, you never can tell if it develops into love. So, it's chicken and egg right? I don't think humans are made monogamous. All we need to know is this - if you can lift it, you must know how to put it back down at a later stage. Some kind of Chinese saying. It's rather impossible for people to carry on double- or multiple-timing forever and in secrecy. One or the other has to be dropped.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ador (2070 days ago)

Thank for all of you.

Well, this guy always in my mind recently, u knew, we meet everyday in the office even we are in different department, and I found that, he still keep an eye on me wherever I go I can see he is looking at me, and when i turn my head back, I found that his eyes are still looking at me., but he didnt come and say a word lately. Is that mean nth gonna be happened? ("it sounds i want sth to happen, I'm bad, i dont know why i have ths feeling) Well, at the moment, I admit that I do like him, how to get away from him? and might be, just mght be i really want something happen cos i have been single for a few months...what should i do?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by smoky (2070 days ago)

u wanna talk about it in prvt?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ocm (2070 days ago)

cwk
LUST ABSOLUTELY & UNDENIABLY
Makes me feel like a school girl but believe me there is no choice to be made. It happened, the chances of it happening again are slim (as long as i can contain myself). He lives overseas and our paths rarely cross.
I do not regret it, although my behaviour shocked me.
It will go no further. If my hubby is having an affair i believe it is also no more than lust .....
Perhaps only time will tell.
We are happy, you only live once and its not for a long time. Got to make the best of every minute and have no regrets :-)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cwk (2069 days ago)

At least you are truthfully to yourself, ocm. Some people choose to stay single precisely to give themselves this freedom. I would be concerned for you tasting the poison apple. You know what - I think one way (probably not the only way) is to eat so many poison apples till you get sick of them. Then you finally want to stay focused and contented. Only hitch is that different people have different thresholds to poison apples. Hahahah... Sorry, I meant this as a joke. Don't ever try this.

With an extra marital affair, you will soon find out that the strains of keeping up that relationship will far outweigh that of a normal open relationship. You will demand much more from balancing the giving-and-taking act. Trust me. I've been in such a stupid relationship for 12 years. And now I want nothing to do with it or ever to be involved in any extra marital affair. I believe I hold the guiness book of record on this dumb thing. It soon changed from adventure to love to responsibility and a big moral battle within. Although the whole time I wasn't married but the other party was. Yup - I was the silent third party and I always felt I was the one who kept their marriage intact by not demanding anything and helping one side to have a broader life outside marriage. Bottom line - if you could avoid poison apples, avoid them. If you have tasted one, don't try again. Nothing very exciting about it. It will soon become a burden.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chinapumpman (2069 days ago)

i have been saying this for months here..
sanctimony is a wonderful thing..but not realistic..
you only live once..things happen..and sometimes you cannot..or don't want to control it, depending on where you are in your life...
the issue is whatever makes you happy and if you can live with the "guilt" or whatever the sanctimonious ones want to call it..then go for it.
This is a one time shot on this planet, unless of course you think we come back..
For men there is an old saying " a hard c@#k has no conscience"..
i have seen this time and time again..
your opinions...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by My Hong Kong (2068 days ago)

Assuming that the marriage of the man is overall good...then the reason is the excitement of sex with a new partner. That's what I think.

Affairs depend a lot on women. It is unrealistic to expect a man to refuse an affair when it is given to him on a silver tray.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by malibu07 (2067 days ago)

ocm-i am writing here for the same purpose - to get it off my chest just because i have been hanging on to it alone for a while now. sometimes bearing it alone is hard. i just want to say that i felt the same way as you do about the man that i am attracted to. its just not the same way as the way that i am attracted to my husband. my heart beats when i see him and i can always feel my blood rushing. sorry i know i am sounding like a school girl, but that is honestly how i feel and i don't think i should deny it. when he looks at me, i blush. my situation is not the same as yours as there is no communication between us - we don't work together and we don't talk. still, i just didn't believe that this is happening to me.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ocm (2067 days ago)

Malibu, Yep that sums it up. And it is that school girl feeling and i feel like a school girl waiting for his next email to come in even though it is always work related!
I am still the same with my husband, this has not changed any feelings for him. It has actually given me an insight to the original theme for the thread.... It is certainly not about love. Love is what i feel for my husband. This is purely phyiscal, exciting and new. But i do not want it to affect my marriage......
Is that what is is guys.... do i have it right, perhaps in some cases?
I also know that sometimes it is more than that, a man can be truely unhappy in his marriage and he is afraid to break it off... the affair is more simple.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by naimakiddo (2067 days ago)

So then perhaps we can classify it as a "crush"?

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by malibu07 (2067 days ago)

yeah it is a (big) crush. the weird thing is that i think we both have a crush on each other.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by missdj (2067 days ago)

ocm and malibu,
I can also relate to you both. And as ocm says, it is a feeling of excitement and just physical. I love my husband and don't don't want to change our situation. I think after many years together, it is something different and some excitement for us ladies. I have been there ocm .

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ocm (2066 days ago)

missdj, glad someone can understand the way i feel. Tell me, did you pursue the affair or was it something that happened and was not repeated. I must say if it was not for the fact that he lives o/s and paths rarely crossing i would be looking for a repeat performance.... again it is purely the physical aspect i keep thinking of, certainly not love.... lust as mentioned above. Did you feel guilty? I feel i SHOULD feel guilty but i do not. It seems so compartmentalised in my life and toally seperate from my married life.
Another question: Do you think 'extra marital affairs' are more common in the expat community? I have been aware of many affairs going on/breaking up marriages during my years as an expat (just never thought i would be another statistic to this).

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by missdj (2066 days ago)

Hi ocm,
It was somethng that just happened. Completely out of character for me. I have or did feel guilty, but there is no love or feelings there for either of us. He has a gf and I married, but we have both said it is the excitement of someone new.

From what I hear, it does seem more comon these days for expats and even so, for women. I feel alot of women just don't want to speak up about it, in fear someone may find out. I never thought I would be in this kind of situation either.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Communicator (2063 days ago)

Men are hunters and most of them think with one head only, the one between their legs.

People cheat, men or women, straight, gay, bi or lesbian if they choose to. It boils down to whether a person has integrity in their words (their promise /vow to their partner); their moral values, decency and how selfish they are.

If you really love someone and everything is great why would you want to cheat?

I believe in karma.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (2062 days ago)

Strangely enough, many men think that having an affair, is 'saving' their marriage for the sake of the children. I've met quite a few men who postponed divorce until the children were reared, and claimed that having a mistress (not me) during that time was what got them through an otherwise dead relationship.

Over a lifetime, people make certain arrangements that they find themselves either unwilling or unable to sever. Marriage can be one of those. For those who feel trapped in a marriage, an affair may seem like their one chance of happiness.

Not all wives are loving. Not all straying husbands evil. It's complicated, though having said this, one is not necessarily providing excuses - just reporting back from the trenches...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sarahkowloon (2061 days ago)

Yes isn't it sad how people can be so selfish.. I don't care who you are, if your marriage isn't working you should have the balls and respect to tell your partner.

It's just a game to some of you.. You have no regard for your partners, the one person who is meant to be your best friend, your lover, father of your children..
What a waste. I only hope your partner is doing the same to you..

Communicator just what you said. Karma

It's sad to say but not all wives and husbands are horrible.

Grow up and appreciate what you have.. You said vowels to this person in front of your family and friends.

I'm sorry but you can't not justify an affair by saying "it does seem more comon these days for expats"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ador (2039 days ago)

Well, it's almost a month, he is still keeping an eye on me and i'm trying to ignore him. But i think as i do nth and trying not to play attention on him then things will be slow down.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (2039 days ago)

Umm, here is a thought, tell him you are not interested in him and just go about your work. Would save you both a lot of time and headaches

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fil-hkresident (2037 days ago)

Why can a married men fool around with other Women while Married Women Can't cheat their Husbands? Is it fair?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sarahkowloon (2034 days ago)

None of it is....

It should not happen but as we can see by reading all the pages that women do it to their husbands and husbands do it to their wives.

I don't think it crosses their minds if they are being fair. (sigh)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by no warranty (2034 days ago)

I agree with you Sarah. Fairness is the last thing they would ever think about. It's lust and excitement, something new, especially when the "meat" in being placed on a silver tray. The brain downstairs acts fast.

But what I really don't understand is : if you really love someone, how would you ever do something like this to hurt him/her so much? He/she is supposed to be the last person you want to hurt. Yet you lie and cheat for the sake of your own pleasure. My BF said to me that he will only have sex with the one he loves (lovemaking he calls). Yet at the same time he sleeps around! To me, this is horrifying and at the same time pathetic.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by RossM (2033 days ago)

I assume you're no longer with your boyfriend NoWarranty? If not, why not?

The bloke is a cheat & a lier.

(I am based in Jakarta)

Posted by no warranty (2033 days ago)

RossM,

I have not confronted him yet cos I haven't have the chance to see him yet. But surely this is far far away from the bottom line and I would have to end it, although I love him and it hurts, and I feel really sad. I suppose no ordinary woman would be able to accept it (except those he sleeps around with)?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Bubas (2028 days ago)

...seems like people don't want to have any constraints in their life..!
Yes ..sometimes you meet very attractive people..and yes..love is changing after few years living together..but we all know that before getting married ! So if you don't want to be (as sarahkowloon said...) the best friend of your husband/wife for the rest of your life..don't get married !!! I cannot believe so many people thinks it is normal to cheat ! Everybody knows it is happening..yes..but it's not a reason to find it "normal"..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (2028 days ago)

you mean, you know before you get married that the love will "change"?? In what way, Bubas?? There will be no passion?? Sex life will come to end?? Are these things taken for granted by most people when they get into relationships these days?

My take on this is if any of the above ends, the marriage/relationship ends too.

So better to end it rather than cheat and cause pain to oneself too, not just the spouse. What an unhealthy, unrelaxed way of living life. I do not think anyone is really happy cheating.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by no warranty (2028 days ago)

seriously do these cheaters ever have the slightest sense of remorse, guilt or shame?

or they just cannot resist the temptation, fun and excitement after having a bite of the cherry?

i am also surprised to see girls are so "open minded" nowadays, just going for purely sexual relationships with strangers knowing they have a partner already. do they protect themselves out of STD?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (2025 days ago)

Read this somewhere while I was googling for some help. :

Please keep in mind that life is very complicated. My current wife and I started out in an affair while I was married. I was with a very controlling spouse for a very long time. The affair woke me up to how miserable I really was. After lots of counseling, personal as well as marital, I gave up on the miserable marriage.
My current wife and I then went into couples counseling, to deal with the feelings left over from the affair and to start on solid ground. Neither of us is overcome with guilt. It would have been nice if the affair never happened and if I gave up on the marriage on my own. But life does not always work out quite so neatly.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sarahkowloon (2024 days ago)

Imagine how that marriage will work out... They will end up cheating on each other! A sister of a friend's once started a relationship with a married man. He ended up leaving his wife for this girl. After a year together suprise suprise he cheated on this girl with another skank. Can't say I felt very sorry for her.

It's a nasty cycle which tends to repeat itself...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Bubas (2023 days ago)

zonked,
That's not what I meant !
If you are married..it is better to realize that the relationship could change because you get used to your partner. If you know that, it is easy to keep all the passion and good sex or everything. If you want to be blind and think that things just work by themself...then good luck !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Veronica Lodge (2022 days ago)

I know a lot of men and women who are cheating their partners.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by MJ_MJ (2018 days ago)

I think most of the men will cheating to their partners especially they have sex with other women. Sometimes i will think that if "sex" just like another execise, it just do the execise with different partners, but this is not involve any "love"! However, I really very difficult to accept this happen on me!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by concor1 (1952 days ago)

why married men have affairs? because most of the wife would not divorce him? think about it, usually say married ten years, the wife usually at her late 30s-early 40s..she has not many chances to date again or get married again if she divorce. she is used to a life with man, and she knows too well that if she is single in that age, her life would just be miserable. Men knows this too well, they take the most of it. ....all these morals/money are not the point.

(I am based in Shanghai)