|
confused
Posted by k118514 (301 days ago)
i've never ever asked for advice online before. i feel kind of silly but i really do want some outsiders' perspective on this. i'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible.
i met this guy through a friend when i was 15 (10 years ago) and fell in love at first sight. i was crazy about him and somehow gotten a hold of him online so we started chatting. to cut the long story short, i was blinded by love but he wasn't really interested in me except getting kisses and some action (it was fairly innocent back then).
from then, i've always had this immature revenge plan in my head, and i wanted to hurt him the way he'd hurt me.
anyways a few years went by and we sort of talked every now and then. i was in a serious relationship of about 5 years with a great guy, he started to become more interested in me. but he keeps a lot of things to himself and i kind of hear about his gfs every now and then...so i dont trust him that much but it didn't really matter to me.
the stupid part of me always wondered what it would be like to be with him. so i did something i truly regret to this day, i cheated on my ex with him (but my ex and i didn't break up because of this). i had even contemplated at one point on leaving my ex for him but even i knew it was a stupid thing to do at that time so i didn't.
we dont talk a lot, even when we're chatting online, because we really dont have that much in common. but he tells me he really misses me and would like to hug me through the night etc. but i hadn't seen him for about a year and i left to come to hong kong.
so it's been two years and we dont talk to each other a lot because he's always very busy with his life, which i'm totally fine with, we often get by without talking to each other for months. the weirdest part is whenever i think of him or dream of him (i'd say the frequency of every 4/5 months) he would message me the next day! it kind of freaks me out a lot of the time. could it really be fate?
obviously i'm not going to be with him or anything but i'll be travelling at the end of the year and we do plan to meet up. i kinda know it'll only be a sex thing but i cant help wondering if he could have some real feelings for me? i mean what sort of guy makes the effort to lie to a girl after 10 years?
i wish he would just stop talking to me, cos i hate rejecting people and i really have a soft spot for him.
the worst thing is i can't seem to find a guy i like more in hong kong, i've been single for 2 years now. i love being single but i'd like to feel wanted from time to time but it doesn't really seem to be happening.
so my questions are:
- how much does he really like me?
- why does he lie about seeing other girls?
- why does he coming after me even though he knows i'm in another country
- i tease him every now and then about his girlfriends and he gets kind of upset that i dont trust him when he tells me he has no girlfriend, i think it's really bizarre. does anyone else think so?
i know i think about this way more than i should. but if someone could give me some answers i'd really really appreciate it. please help! thanks so much.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by bell-boy (301 days ago)
I think you should just forget about him...I know that probably sounds harsh, but its just the feeling I get from reading this (long) story....it seems like the whole thing is just too hard and confusing....best to move on - finally, I think
good luck
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Aulelei (301 days ago)
the only answers that would really matter would be the ones that only he can give you. have you ever told him that you think about him often? it sounds like you have convinced yourself that he is the one, and i think if you go looking for 'signs' that he likes you, you will find them... chances are he likes to hook up with you every now and then but nothing more. its suits him fine you are in another country - perfect excuse for someone who doesnt want a serious relationship. if after 10 years you're not sure about his feelings for you, girlfriend... maybe he's just not that into you?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by k118514 (300 days ago)
that's the thing, i really dont think he's the one. i'm fine with meeting other ppl and obviously i have been with other ppl during the past 10 years. i dont really think about him that often.....it's just the weirdest relationship and i cant seem to get out of it. i'm just confused as to why someone would put all that effort in trying to hook up with a girl who they cant see at all. is it really worth it just for a hook up? maybe for a guy it is? i dont ever want him to be my boyfriend (the heartache) and i know i can do a lot better.
i do tell him when i do think about him (which really isn't that often) and he says he thinks about me too. or he'll randomly say he misses me.
so if i travel to where he lives, should i see him? if i dont see him i'll always wonder.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by fatkid (300 days ago)
Um, someone would put "all the effort"? How much effort is it really? A couple of calls maybe? As you said it yourself you don't even talk that much, maybe even get by 4,5 months without talking.
10 years ago you were blindly in love and he wasn't really interested, so is there a reason for you to believe otherwise now? Is lying a really "big" effort in the first place? It is not that hard when he's aboard you know.
I guess it wouldn't hurt for him to keep stringing along as he knows that he could capitalise your feelings for him, so whenever you two do hook up (when he travels back or if you travel to his place), he can get laid. The interest that he took when you were with another guy is just kinda like human nature (like a demand and supply thing), maybe more like a male ego issue.
In case you don't realise, many men don't care about a future/love/relationship, and all they want is sex, so I guess making a couple of calls once "every 4,5 months" isn't exactly "a great effort" if it leads to the possibility of getting laid during his vacation.
Don't think your "revenge plan" would work either cos he obviously doesn't care about you in the first place, you think a person would really stand "4,5 months without talking" when he truly cares about someone? Hell no.
You "wish he would just stop talking to you", but the point is you won't stop talking to him because you like him, and you know your "hate rejecting ppl and have a soft spot for him" is BS because deep down inside you actually crave for him, otherwise you won't bother putting up such a long post and ask so many questions about whether he likes you or not.
So in the end, if there is someone that would get hurt, it would be you, and not him, your "sweet little revenge" is never gonna work. Sorry if it sounds cruel, but wake up. Snap back to reality, girl.
Bell, paragraphs you asked for, and now paragrpahs you get :)
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by bell-boy (300 days ago)
K11 - if you travel to where he lives, I dont think you should see him, ......if you dont see him, what will you be wondering about? if you have already said that you dont ever want him to be your boyfriend...
You will just see him, sleep with him, and get more attached and confused....is that what you want?...
He doesnt seem to be putting much effort in.....Fats is right, but some paragraphs would be good :)
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by buddha plastique (300 days ago)
- how much does he really like me?
On a scale of 1 to 10? I would say he probably likes you as a friend and doesnt obsess about you as much as you do about him. You really can do with letting go of all this major drama and negativity. Its like you say "I really wish he wouldnt call me as I hate rejecting people" erm...what makes you so blind to the writing on the wall? Why stay with things the way they are? Are you not in control of your own life? Why not simply be honest and say "Oy, please quit calling me and lets keep it that way as I need to move on with my life and rid myself off this rather unhealthy attachment I have that is based in some adolescent fantasy or a non-existent future that will never be actualized"? Nah, you are doing this to yourself...not him. Blaming him for how crap you feel is an excuse...you are the one who can simply let go but you choose to maintain this obsession and in the meantime it eats away at you.
- why does he lie about seeing other girls?
He doesnt need to lie...maybe like most human beings he enjoys the obvious attnetion of your obsession. Its an ego stroke for free. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe he doesnt think you need to know. I mean, its not like you two are best mates and on the phone daily or anything, why this crazy need to know whats going on in his life?
- why does he coming after me even though he knows i'm in another country
Is he really coming after you? Or do you wish it were something more than it obviously is? You guys are not destined for anything...people that believe that their lives are somehow preordained and sit there hoping for it to go a certain way are just not pro-active enough about the here and the now. If you guys were meant to be together you would have done something about it and so would he. You want to have some balls then go ahead and tell him outright how obsessed you are with him, for now it sounds to me like you are projecting.
- i tease him every now and then about his girlfriends and he gets kind of upset that i dont trust him when he tells me he has no girlfriend, i think it's really bizarre. does anyone else think so?
Its bizarre, yes. Why tease him? Why have expectations that he should tell you anything? Why disbelieve him telling you he hasnt got a gf? You two have had random play and been intimate in some way or the other, maybe he doesnt like that you are trying to discect him and most people get insecure/uncomfortable when they are put under the microscope and have to prove themselves. Would you like it if he doubted you saying you were single for 2 years? Would you like it if he judged you if you told him the outright naked truth about your borderline unhealthy obsession and how its been ongoing for 10 years? Would you tell the truth?
The key to all of this is...if you cant simply be honest with him, you cant pretend that you are being true to yourself. Speak from the heart and then you will know where you stand. Life is not meant to be the way you speak of it. You can be free of all this turmoil if you only took a step forward and were honest. At least then you wouldnt have to feel like a coward and you wouldnt feel so hurt with all this second guessing you have been wasting your time on. You have been single 2 years, maybe you havent met someone that rocks your world in HK, but thats not your fault, nor the fault of HK...that said...doesnt sound like this obsession of yours has done any better in rocking your world, so have a think about that. His actions speak volumes. Where you are, where you two stand, with your meager contact and all these pie in the sky hopes...what are you hoping for? As per your admission, you two dont have a lot in common at all.
You are right on one thing...you have been giving this way more thought and gravity than it is really worth...maybe you could do with questioning your obsession and looking within for your answers instead of hoping that a bunch of strangers will miraculously have answers...
Ah, one more thing...about the whole "when I think about him, he calls the next day"...dont be freaked out about that, its something that happens to a lot of other people too...its that whole "glitch in the matrix" crap. A thought, like an e-mail, goes out, some of us are just good at picking up the messages. Its not an omen of any kind that somehow you two are destined to make sweet love down by the fire and have 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence...its just a evidence of ESP, precognition, call it what you want and the whole "collective consiousness" thing...dont hope its more than what it is.
You know the truth...you have the strength to make that change from yearning for an outcome and being well and truly free...its up to you if you want to make that change for the positive.
Good luck... :o)
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by bell-boy (300 days ago)
lol fats thanx for the para's
Buds is right you know, it happens all the time, thorts are transferred.....I think your energy would be better put to use attracting somebody else....there are trillions of men on this planet....why waste time with time-wasters?
;) think on it....
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by k118514 (300 days ago)
hey everyone thanks for your comments, it's much appreciated. i'm really not as nuts as i probably sound and it's def not an obsession (although it seems i kinda just confirmed it is by denying it. hmm....) anyways i do lead a normal life and am interested in finding someone, it's not easy meeting ppl in hk though. i'm def trying trust me. yeh there are trillions of guys around, but none that i really like (yet)
so yeh i have taken it all in although some bits were pretty hard to take. thanks everyone.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by bell-boy (299 days ago)
I understand what you mean about it not being easy to meet people in HK - I cant really give you much advice there...its not city I would live...
The main thing is to just try and stay positive, get some interests, join a gym...Im sure you have friends that you can go out with...
its easy to look to 'past' things when there is nothing else on the horizon.... but ditch that past stuf, it could be holding you back...just try and stay positive, you never know whats around the corner :)
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by buddha plastique (299 days ago)
Dont worry, beautiful. You are not alone in the least. There are not "trillions" of guys in hong kong...the population here is, tops, 7 million...with a fair chunk of them being guys. Now of those guys, if we were to be optimistic, maybe 50% of them are attractive (the base defining factor for most folks), 15% are cute (definition of cute being = ugly but loveable), 10% are simply mingers (ugly and totally socially retarded for it) and the remaining 25% are gay.
Of the 50% that are attractive, I would go on to say that the breakdown is 30% of them have wives and about 15% of them have girlfriends and the odd 5% that are attractive AND single are totally loving it or hating it. Of the 30% that are married...probably half of them cheat on their wives and the others simply wouldnt dream of it or they wish they could but are too scared to actualize their thoughts...and a greater percentage will apply to the guys who have girlfriends.
So....................
Do you still have a problem? Why are you so sure that to "lead a normal life" you must be one of those folks who has to "find" someone? Why are you trying? :o)
My advice? Dont try so hard...or if you try, dont have such high expectations...are you a perfect specimen of a human being? Well, maybe it would do you some good to evaluate why you have sabotaged your chances of truly loving someone here by saying you are into someone who will never really be yours. There are a lot of lonely people in HK...dont let yourself fall into that trap of feeling so damn lonely, you can be your own best company. I mean, you're only 25 for crying out loud! I mean, where's the fire?
Chill...and if the internet is where you have been looking, dont be surprised of the number of let downs...its simply life in a faster lane...if you left it up to chance you may not meet anyone for a lot longer time.
Remember the old saying? Good things happen when you least expect them...so...stop looking. Guys can sense that "overly keen" vibe from a mile away.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by k118514 (299 days ago)
i lead a normal life = i work, go to the gym, go to classes during the week, meet up with friends for crazy or not-so-crazy weekends - i think that's a pretty normal life (please contradict me otherwise)
what i meant by i am interested in finding someone is just that i'm open to meet someone, i'm not on the prowl everytime i go out. and i dont use the internet to meet guys...
just out of interest - where and how do you meet guys?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by buddha plastique (299 days ago)
the life you lead sounds so like the life I do and most of the people I know do...hell, just be glad you actually make it to the gym unlike some folks in HK...might as well go to the gym if you arent up to anything else, eh?
Where do you meet guys? I dunno...are there any non-obvious places to actively but covertly seek? *shrug shoulders* Hmmm, maybe in your case, if you have never used the internet to meet guys, why dont you give that a try? Put an ad up, its free...and go out on a few dates, cant hurt to try.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
|
