he is always busy

Posted by blooming (224 days ago)

Question: How do I get him to spend more time on me without sounding needy?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by jwm (224 days ago)

What makes him always busy? Does he work a large amount of hours? or is he oing out with his buddies at nihgt and leaving you home?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (224 days ago)

He works a lot and entertains clients at night. We don't live together so I rarely see him. Sometimes i feel like giving up but the thought of not seeing him again makes me sad. He seems to think i will always be there.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (224 days ago)

Well are you? "Always going to be there"?

I mean, it takes two hands to clap...if you are honest enough with yourself you will be honest with him. Realistically though, can you see yourself getting him to create some time out of thin air? If he works long hours and entertains clients...isnt the only way he can make time is to have another job or not do his current job the way he is doing it?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (224 days ago)

I agree with Little C, it's his job, that most likely pays for the dinners that you hopefuly get from him every now and then. If his job is going to be a relationship inhibitor for you, then do yourselves both a favor and move on to someone who works less.

just out of curosity, on an average weekly, how much time DO you see him?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (224 days ago)

It depends on whether he has to travel.
he works a lot, entertains a lot and travels a few times a month --- sometimes i dont see him even once a month.

i agree with Little C, he can't create time out of thin air.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (223 days ago)

Maybe part of the problem is also that you're always available when he wants you. By making myself unavailable to my boyfriend, he soon started asking to see me a bit more often. The next time he calls, have plans so you can't see him. He'll notice something is up and he'll have to start making time for you.

Geeze, I mean, how long are you sposed to wait for a guy? Is he that great that you don't even get to see him once a month? Don't you deserve a guy who's able to lavish attention on you?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (223 days ago)

P>
That's what my friends told me to do too. I will stop treating him like the most important thing in my life. Will see how it goes.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dont know why (223 days ago)

Of course having your life is always important. Its never healthy for you and for him for that matter for you to be waiting by the phone for him to call you whenever he is available. However, having been married to a guy who works 80+ hrs a week for some years, that "you come to me when you are available and I will see" attitute only damages your relationship in a long run. Not to mention a short term solution. Because at the end of the day, you do want to spend time together of his/your own free will, true? For me, my rationalization regarding my husband's busy schedule is this. The guy works so hard so that we can have a financially secured future. The least I can do is be nice to the one guy who loves me and be available to be together. Because if I had that you come see me when you are free attitude, we will never spend time together and we wont have a marriage. So thats my thingy.

As for you, it sounds like you are not married. So have a frank talk with him. Its ok if you sound a little needy. If you guys love each other, what is wrong with sounding a little needy for each other?....dont go all postal and give him ultimatum or anything. But say you really would like to spend more time with him and ask him what he and you can do together to make that happen. Maybe, you can designate a date a week to be together even for a few hours. And once you set a schedule, be disciplined. I know love is supposed to be all passionate and spontenous in the covers of Marie Claire but in a real world, love takes a lot of planning, work, and patience. Good luck girl.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (223 days ago)

dont know why> thank you very much. you brought tears to my eyes.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (223 days ago)

I dont know though, sometimes you see him only once in a month? Wow...is that a good thing?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (223 days ago)

Little carmen>

not a good thing at all and it makes me sad. Sometimes i wonder if he cares for me like i care for him.

btw I read your thread, i admire your courage and honesty to yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (223 days ago)

Relationships are the most important thing in life. It sounds as though there is a very significant mismatch between the two people's view of the relationship.

Earning a living is important, but it is only the means to an end. The end is a happy life, based upon happy relationships, with partner, and, hopefully, children.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (223 days ago)

>blooming - hell, why would you do something that makes you sad? *shrug* I dont think that reltaionships are the most important thing in life, I think joy and happiness is. Life isnt meant to suck. I think it does at times, but a lot of it is avoidable too. Instead of wondering if he cares about you enough I think its important you sit down and ask him where he thinks you guys are going. I mean...how long have you two been together?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (223 days ago)

little c> 3,4 years... will have a serious talk when he comes back to hk!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (222 days ago)

Little Carmen,

Where do you get joy and happiness from, if not from relationships?

Friends, family, workmates, and, ideally, a soulmate.......good relationships can be better than anything you can buy, and will give real joy and happiness.

If relationships are not the most important thing in your life, then I would say you are not as happy as you could be.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (220 days ago)

Dear woods99,

I respect your point of view but I guess I have a slightly different take on things. I believe joy and happiness come from within yourself. If you yourself are happy and joyful you can share that with the rest of the world.

Sure, I have family...sure, I have friends...and sure I have been in very wonderful and loving relationships...but it has taken me a while to get to where I know that none of that will really make me happy if I am not happy in myself. Nothing will somehow "complete" a person if they are not whole themselves.

I see too many women (and men) who sit around moping saying "Man, my life would be so much better if only I had a good relationship" or whatever...the "if only" is what they call "want"...I think its important to know what you have, to know what you want and to learn to be happy with what you achieve. A relationship alone...that whole concept of a "Soulmate"..as cute as it is, it doesnt equate to happiness and real joy.

In life there isnt just one soul mate...there are many...I think in order to be happy its good enough to feel like part of a greater whole...to be whole yourself but to be part of this great earth and know who you are sharing your air and land with. To be good to everyone you can be...to be kind, to be generous...to be loving even when being firm about your principles or morals...thats what brings happiness, knowing you are doing something to make the world a better place...I know it sounds treehuggerish, but once people stop focusing on just one pathetic little microcosm...its easier to not feel burdened by the mundane.

Happiness and joy are what we create and share...its how we receive them in return. You dont need a "soulmate" for that, you can start creating and sharing this very minute instead of waiting for an ideal situation, right? *shrug*

Lol, I know...bit much for a monday, but thats just my thoughts. It just makes me cringe a bit when people say "Oh, I am sure someone wonderful will come along and make you happy!" Like as if when you say "I'm single" they have to say "Awww...dont worry, one day you wont be".

I just think that blooming has been waiting around feeling empty...either she is proactive and finds something to keep her busy while her life essentially stays the same...or she is clear about what she believes she needs to do to be happy and goes about achieving her goals. Sitting there doing nothing about it but feeling miserable in the meantime isnt going to solve anyones woes. We all have basic requirements to feel content, when content its easier for us to quit stressing and easier for us to create that feeling of happiness and joy...right now the winter of her discontentment has approached...3-4 years into her relationship its not looking brilliant, is it? I mean, to fear seeming needy for wanting more than a day in a month? Thats not a good feeling...Sometimes people grow together and sometimes they simply grow apart...sometimes one outgrows the other...I think blooming has to figure out for herself where she stands.

Hmmm...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (220 days ago)

Little Carmen

Thank you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kaileyb (220 days ago)

I was going to ask how long have you been together, cos if he's too busy to see you and you've only started going out, then maybe he's not that into you and treating you as just a FB. If you've been together for 3-4 years and he's doing this, depends on if he's always been like this or if he's just started being "busy". If it's the latter, either he's genuinely busy or he's using work as an excuse not to see you. Sorry to sound harsh, but that's just the fact of relationships. You need to keep yourself busy and not worry about what he's doing. Make your own plans and don't break them just because he calls at the last minute and wants to see you. That doesn't say to a guy that he's special and you're making time for him, that says you're a door mat and you're at his beck and call 24/7. Make yourself a priority and he will see that he needs to make advance plans if he wants to spend time with you. Good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (220 days ago)

Kaileyb

he has always been like this. sometimes he will say things like " I know you are not satisfied cos i spend so little time on you...". I usually dont say anything . Maybe he thinks i can accept the way things are? but if it continues like this, i dont really see any future with him.

to give him some credit, he does make advance plans and cooks me dinners from time to time. last time we went on a short trip he woke up really early in the morning to finish work so that we could go.
I try to be nice when he spends time with me so I dont say anything.
I miss him very much when he is away. This time i will be honest with him and tell him how i feel.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kaileyb (220 days ago)

Well I think both parties need to be happy and satisfied in a relationship and clearly, your needs are not being met by him. It's nice that you give him credit, and it does sound like he tries, but to be honest, if he knows your needs are not being met and still doesn't have time for you, then you've got to question the future. No one is THAT busy and if you don't put yourself first, he never will.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (193 days ago)

According to him he is "very stressful".
he switches off his phone and ocassionally sends me messages to see how I am doing. He sounds depressed.
Is it true that men like to deal with this on their own?
We are really having separate lives. I know it doesnt make a lot of difference whether I have him or not.
He wants to make money so that he can retire soon.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mangotango (193 days ago)

So bloomng, you started this thread over a month ago and mentioned earlier you were gonna to sit down to have a heart-to-heart with him? Well? How much longer are you willing to put up with the current situation?

Little C, you've got mail.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by blooming (193 days ago)

mangotango

I havent seen him. He was never here.

not much longer. I think if I love myself enough i won't be putting up with this.

going cold turkey is the only way. I need to find some strength.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Morning.side.speed (192 days ago)

I just read the oringinal post and I will say: see the reaction by telling him that you wanna have a baby.

(I am based in Beijing)