I married my husband with kids from previous marriage

Posted by googoo (187 days ago)

My husband has 2 kids in previous marriage. One boy (12) and a girl (10). It was a mix marriage from the previous and also a mix marriage w/ me. Me and his ex wife are both asians and came from the same country. I've met his kids when we were just living in and they would come around our place once or twice a week. I noticed that the girl is friendly w/ me but the boy would always treat me w/ disrespect. The girl would sometimes get infuenced by the broher w/ sometimes makes me uncomfortable whenever they are with us. My hubby is not friends w/ his ex coz he does not want to have that kind of relationship w/ her anymore. Often times, the mother would verbally abuse my husband and she would always poison the minds of the kids. THis is making me unhappy. What do I have to do? I've never been married and never had kids in the past. My hubby tried to open up to them or connect w/ them but the kids would always close those doors.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by Justin Credible (186 days ago)

Wow, that is just horrendous advice given in jest to someone who genuinely asked for help! *SMH*

>googoo - hmm, thats a tough one. Thing is...you KNEW your husband had kids before you married him, right? So you still married him even though you sensed that maybe the kids werent full on warming up to you. Did you communicate with your husband about this? About your fears?

My thoughts. These kids have been through a rough time. Every child wants Mom and Dad to be together. Heck, even though I had split up with my spouse when my kidlet was less than 2, even at 9 he wishes that his Mom and Dad would simply "get along" and love each other/be together. Its a natural fear of abandonment. Dont be too hard on yourself for feeling bad, but then also dont expect too much from the kids.

You are not their mother, and as long as you dont try to replace their mother, you can still be an amazing role model to them. You can still be patient, loving and caring...and when needed, you can be stern or bring your husband in for some disciplining. If his son is being nasty to you, that is something that is not excusable. I mean, if you are just paranoid he doesnt like you, then thats another thing...if he is genuinely mean to you, then have your husband talk to the boy or if you feel confident enough, with your husband by your side for moral support, you have a word with the kid.

The exwife poisoning the kids against the husband is something that is regretable but not preventable. For all you know she could be bitter...maybe he cheated on her, or maybe in whatever way she is damn disappointed about being left holding 2 kids and being a divorced mother of 2. Maybe in her own way she is depressed and angry and is dealing with it in all the wrong ways. You can deal with that by having a little empathy and not letting this affect you so much. Of course its easy to say, but if you put your mind to it, you can do it.

Kids are fragile yet resilient. You just need to be patient, open and spend time with them when you have them...dont look at them with fear or disapproval...remember, no matter how malicious they can be, they are still kids...and they are going through a lot of emotional turmoil with Dad and Mom split up...just be supportive and approachable.

Talk to a counsellor and ask for advice...and grab your credit card and buy 3 copies to this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Families-apart-keys-successful-co-parenting/dp/039952150X

Give one to your husband, you read one and tell him to gift one to his ex...of course it would help if they at least started thinking about whats important here...the kids. Parents that split really need to "grow up" and stop being so damn egocentric and make a bit more effort for the kids. Have him gift her the book and ask her to read it, not for his sake but for the kids.

The book will give you some insight into what both his kids in their respective age groups are going through with their parents having split...this will help you learn how to deal with your fears and feelings of helplessness that come from not knowing how to cope or to react.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (185 days ago)

Googoo, unlike Justin Credible, who has given some very good advice above, I've not been in this situation, but I have worked with a lot of adolescents who have been in your step-children's situation. Do try to persevere with them. The most important thing is not to reject them, even though they are not being very nice to you. Children build up crusty surfaces in these situations as a defence against being hurt further. It's also something of a test - they don't intentionally want to test you - somehow this phenomenon is so widespread that I think it must be instinctive. I remember one 11 year old boy I worked with who even called himself 'Rocky'... now that was a very good indication of what was going on for him.

Persevere, show patience, love and understanding - yet also firmness tied with compassion. Reward good behaviour when it surfaces, and try not to over-react to bad behaviour, but show if necessary that respect and caring are a two way street.

The boy is at a very vulnerable age. Do be aware that your reaction and that of his father will probably have long lasting consequences on him. See it through with him and his sister. You married into this family. It is not going to be like a TV series. Parenting is extremely difficult. I understand how strange it must seem to you as you have not had children in the past. However, you can have a very rewarding relationship with these children if you try to ignore what the mother is saying, and just push on with the interests of the children in mind. They really do need a good connection with you, and even more importantly, with their father.

As a new 'instant' parent, you may find it useful to go to counselling yourself to get some advice on how to help these children, and to create a family atmosphere in your home when they are with you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (185 days ago)

Being a childless stepmum is a totally unique situation that people with bio children don't understand. First, buy a copy of Divorce Poison for your husband - it details PAS (Parental Alianation Syndrome) which is what the ex is guilty of by the sounds of things. Then, visit the website I'm about to send you the link too by pm...there's a whole community of women in exactly your situation just waiting to help you out.

PS - you don't have to buy that "You knew he had kids" line (because he equally knew you didn't) and you also don't have to engage with his children. Hope to see you soon on the website!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (184 days ago)

Well, I think its probably important to see if googoo is going to remain a childless woman in the marriage though, isnt it? A lot of women dont have to remain childless just coz husband had kids from another marriage. *shrug*. Just a thought.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (184 days ago)

You'd be amazed at how ex's can scar and scare a man from ever having children again...child support issues, fear of financial ruin, fear of being financially unable to afford another child, fear of a second divorce leading to more child support, guilt over what it will do to existing children, fear of how the ex will react (because its generally not good at all). From the sounds of it, Googoos man isn't stepping up already (otherwise he wouldn't allow his kids to disrespect her or his ex to disrespect him)...until he sorts this out, I can't see him jumping at the chance to rock the boat some more with the ex or trying to compensate for his lack of relationship with his kids by having a new baby. But I could be wrong.

You'd be amazed at the number of women put in the position of having to choose when they are involved with a man with children. As I said, its a very unique and specific situation for a woman that people with bio kids have a hard time getting.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (184 days ago)

Googoo sounds like she's trying hard to understand the situation. I don't 'hear' any malice at all in her posting, which I took to indicate that she is seeking a positive relationship with the children.

Of course, there are other women who refuse to engage with the children of other relationships, and for some situations, that might very well be the best situation.

Googoo may never be able to penetrate the frost, and it may be a healthy alternative for her to write off any chance of a bond with the children as well as their father, but it would be a shame if she wanted to support her husband in this area, and the in interests of the children, if she gave up before she was sure it was a dead loss.

I don't think anyone can ever know what it is like to be in precisely another's situation. I have been a step-child, but not a step mother. The relationship was difficult at first but improved over time. Children - to state the obvious - may take a while to develop trust etc... It's a good idea to get as many strategies as you can to help you cope with your feelings of unhappiness over this, and to help you understand how best to build a positive relationship with the children, even if you do not ever feel you can relate to them as family.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (184 days ago)

As a divorced parent, I reckon I wouldnt want to be with someone who didnt like my son or who my son didnt like. It seems that maybe the husband in this case didnt think that one through long enough. The other thing is, why would someone give up their chance to have their own children just to be with someone that sounds, in all respects, like they live in fear and are actually shortchanging their partner for the simple fact their lives before that got screwed up royally. *SMH*

I dont get it. Obviously it happens, but regardless of if the ex-wife has issues and poisons the kids, its obvious the husband has issues too. Its not about blaming circumstances for the current state of affairs, its important for adults to take ownership of their own problems and get on with it. Flashback has a point, googoo is distressed about the son maybe not liking her, she is not keen to simply wipe her hands off the kids. The daughter seems to have warmed to her but, like with a lot of kids from families apart, its tough for a kid even if they want to like the step parent...coz its a whole issue of guilt about siding with one parent or the other. Mom always comes first, especially if thats their primary caregiver. Its confusing work for kids.

Maybe coz I have had a "bio kid" I cant relate to someone being a co parent without a "bio kid" but then I reckon that people who adopt are technically parents of non "bio kid"s, right? But they are able to love and nurture as if they were "bio kids" so well...its not such a far stretch enough for there to be this whole catagory of non "bio kid" step moms who dont feel the need to engage with the non "bio kid"s. I am assuming googoo's husband married her to make her part of his life...even if his ex wife didnt like the plan going that way.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (184 days ago)

People who adopt are the full time legal and custodial parents..they don't have the birth mother around to deal with. For many CSMs (childless stepmums) too, it is way easier if the birth mother is out of the picture (either a deadbeat mum who lost custody or the skids (stepkids) father is a widower).

Childless stepmoms who disengage usually do it for self protection - not out of any malice (and I don't get that there is any here either). Sometimes carrying the financial load (making up for their partner paying out child support etc), being expected to love and care for the skids as your own, fulfilling the mothering role (cook/cleaner/chauffer/caregiver etc) etc..all to a child who expresses hatred/disrespect in return can be thankless..especially when all around you tell you that 'You knew he had kids...". Add that to a partner who won't set boundaries with an ex who makes demands, gives abuse, lays guilt trips etc...and you can see why the childless stepmum may start thinking - not my kids, not my problem and then step back (in the hope that their father will step up and be the parent). ...anyway, I digress. But they say it takes a minimum of 7 years for a stepfamily to bond!

As to why a woman would give up her right to have children to be with someone...well, plenty do and its the choice you make. Being with a man with children is hard if you are childless...I imagine its even harder if you are childfree though.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (183 days ago)

Could any man actually be worth that much grief and disrespect? I simply dont get the winning points on a partner like this, sounds really nerve wrackin, I mean, how do you manage it? :o(

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (183 days ago)

The man probably isn't worth it, but the kids certainly are...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (183 days ago)

Unfortunately JC when you reach a certain age, most men have already been around the block, and yes, there are some that are just too good to pass on. The tough part is if you are on the fence about wanting kids and you are with someone who doesn't want anymore but he is the only you ever met that you'd want to have kids with. Rock and a hard place.

Flashback - who's kids are worth it?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (182 days ago)

All kids.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (182 days ago)

In the context we are talking about, I would beg to differ. To suggest that for a childless stepmother her partner probably isn't worth hangng around for, but his children are. Hmmmm. Sorry but I ascribe to the theory that the adult relationship must take priority for the wellbeing of the children.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (182 days ago)

I can see your point, Pumpkin. One wouldn't think someone would choose to have a relationship with a man merely for the sake of giving his children a mother... though plenty of men have married women for that purpose... I dated a man once whose biopolar wife had committed suicide, leaving him with two children of one and five (who were grown up by the time I had met him). As a busy professional, he overtly sought to marry again quickly to provide a mother for the children. Second marriage was a disaster, another child ensued, but even though the second relationship ended in divorce, the second wife continued to keep a relationship with the children of the first marriage, which I felt was very mature and sensible of all of them.

Of course, there has to be a base relationship founded on something between the couple, but even when that falls down, children who have built a relationship with the non-bio parent and vice versa, ought not to be just cast aside because it is inconvenient. If one is entering or leaving a relationship with a person with children, then being aware of the emotional consequences on the child of these changes would seem to me to be responsible. Is it any wonder that children have 'trust' issues with these new partners? Perhaps in googoo's case, there were others before her ... perhaps the children are getting just a bit tired of people who come and go from their lives...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (181 days ago)

Totally agree although where the bio mother is still alive, when a second mariage breaks down, the step mother technically has no 'claim' to a relationship with the children unless the children themselves want it...which often depends on the age of the children involved.
Where children are involved I heartily agree that introductions to new partners should only happen when it is clear that the relationship is a committed one. Modelling healthy relationships in the wake of a divorce is crucial.

(I am based in Hong Kong)