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Shall I give him a second chance
Posted by Sonnenblume (113 days ago)
Hi everyone, I seldom post my stories here, however I do like reading your comments and viewpoints to a lot of posts. Last week I had an arguement with my boyfriend on his loyalty, which I hope to get your opinions.
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We are so in love with each other that we are now even planning to marry. When I've been trusting him a lot and believing he would never cheat on me, last weekend I happened to see from his MSN record that how he flirted with a girl who got from somewhere his MSN ID and wanted to make friends with him. From the record it shows that at the beginning he just left the girl alone when the girl tried to flirt with him, i think, coz the girl didn't show her pic on the MSN window. Later on when the girl asked him for his email addr. for sending him her pic, he gave his comapny email addr. to the girl, and the girl sent him her pic. Afterwards they started to chat. The chat seemed neutual at the beginning, but when the girl started to ask for a date, the chat became very flirtatious. They even talked about when and where to meet. What's worst, when the girl said she could have sex with my boyfriend, my boyfriend even asked the girl to try threesome, and requested to see even the picture of another girl. At the end of the chat, when the girl started to strongly push my boyfriend to make the "sex" date on weekend, my boyfriend said he needed to check with me - I guess he needed to check if there will be any potential troubles with me. When the girl continued to push him hard to meet on weekend, saying otherwise she might lose her feeling to have sex with him, he insisted he needed to check with me. But the next day, he blocked the girl.
When I read the record, I was totally disappointed and upset. I never thought he would try to cheating on me. I confronted him, he explained he found that girl's behavior was totally unreasonal, and that's why he blocked her. He cried and said sorry that he was stupid to make a mistake and he doesn't wanna lose me... and he will never do this kind of stupid things anymore. Honestly, although at the end of the date he didn't physically cheat on me, I can't trust him as much as before, at least for a certain period, which I'm not sure how long it will last. People say "once a cheater, always a cheater", I really love him, but his behavior really hurt me, shall I give him another chance?
Is it the truth that all man, no matter how honest and loyal he looks like, can't resist temptation?
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by cute_sense (113 days ago)
Yes, give him another chance cos he hasn't cheated on you. He has YOU in his mind that's why he hasn't gone through it with that girl. Take care :-)
Cheers :-)
(I am based in Singapore)
Posted by flashback (113 days ago)
Actually, he was probably just curious. It was probably flattering at first to have this kind of unexpected attention. Have a bit of faith. He did the right thing in the end, which is what matters ... He wants you.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Aulelei (112 days ago)
I think he got a bit of an ego kick, and it just kinda got out of hand. Focus on the fact that he never met her, he told her about you, and that he blocked her. Def let him know that he hurt you and it has shaken the trust you have in him... but give him a 2nd chance to let him make it up to you ;)
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Sonnenblume (112 days ago)
Thank you all. These days I'm trying to get this issue out of my mind, but somehow that chat he made with the girl comes to my mind off and on. especially he asked the girl for threesome. Sometimes I assume he might have already gone further with the girl if the girl was not that annoying by pushing him hard to meet on weekend. :-(
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by flashback (112 days ago)
Then I think you should both go to a counsellor together about this. You are planning on marrying, so if you have doubts now about him and his character, you need to get a neutral person to help you sort it out. St. John's Relationhship counselling. Try not to beat it up between you until you've had a chance to talk all the issues through in a calm way.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by luke_perry (112 days ago)
Hope Ed does not block my comment but I really have to let you know about this.
The reasons why you think he is innocent are not really good.
I date girls, and whenever I finish talking to someone I blocked her so she does not pop-up when I am having a conversation with someone else. I do this every day. Is not that I blocked her never to talk again, but to simply avoid her popping up at weird times.
My take on this is simple:
1) He flirted with her, and went as far as suggesting a threesome. He did not stop her but simply blocked her, so she would not pop-up when you are around his PC.
2) I do believe he did not get physical with her, I do, but he did make plans. I think he did not carry those plans for a simple lack of logistics (such as busy with you and out of excuses).
3) From experience, let me tell you he have tried and got caught. He has learned now. He might learn his lesson, and be smarter and use only his office PC to chat with clicks, or learn his lesson and don't try that game again.
My suggestion: Dump him. He is trying to have some on the side. How about testing him with a friend or something?
Good luck
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by flashback (112 days ago)
Interesting eyeopeners from you Luke... yes... sounds more complex when viewed in that frame. You need professional help to dig to the bottom of this I think, and to raise these issues in a controlled situation.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by luke_perry (112 days ago)
Actually, is much more simpler than it looks. All she has to do is look at the whole thing from outside. Instead of seeing what she wants to see she should try to see things as they are.
If she was in my office I would recommend her to call herself A, call the guy B, and draw the situation on paper without names so to see things clearly.
As a man, I would bet he already had some. That aptitude is too confident for someone who never did it before. But that is just my personal opinion.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Pupalicious (112 days ago)
I think you should dump him, and set the poor guy free.
He didn't do anything wrong, he was jus flirting. He blocked the girl, so you know his real feelings already. He didn't know you knew about it, and he blocked the girl.
Get over it, you're making a big deal over words typed on a screen. When she asked to meet he said no.
Please dump this man so that he can meet a girl who's not as neurotic as you.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by luke_perry (112 days ago)
So Pupalicious, let me get this straight: Your man can flirt with anyone, discussing threesomes and whatnot, and that is ok for you?
If I ever have a girl doing anything near she would be on the doormat with her laptop in her hands and won't even see it coming...but then, I must be a neurotic too!
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Pupalicious (112 days ago)
What's the harm in flirting. Obviously no one wants to hear their other half talking about that, but it's just chatting on the internet, just words on a screen. If it was face to face, it'd be different, but it's just typed words.
I don't think he did anything wrong. He didn't meet up with her, he didn't agree to the threesome. I think he only brought up the 3some to shock the girl and make her go away.
Ultimately, he didn't meet up with her, he didn't shag her, he wasn't interested at all. Where's the harm in a bit of flirting?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by luke_perry (112 days ago)
I think you read wrong.
He never wrote he did not agreed to the threesome, and furthermore he never wrote he did not agreed to meet.
I don't see any difference between flirting online or in person.
Maybe she can give us her oppinion.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Pupalicious (112 days ago)
Maybe I have a different idea of flirting. I encourage my boyfriend to flirt, not sexually, but I think that flirting builds confidence and strokes your ego. If it's innocent, I don't see anything worng with it. Especially if everyone knows there's a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting at home, so it's never going further than flirting.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Sonnenblume (111 days ago)
Hi Luke, thanks for sharing your experience and opinions from man's point of view. You are right, he wasn't the one reject threesome, he's even the one who proposed threesome. And he never refused to meet, he wanted to meet as well, but just not on weekend. However, his blocking the girl at the end without knowing that I knew already their chat, was not coz he needed to chat with another girl, nor was he afraid that I would catch him when I'm around his notebook. This's what I'm sure! I do believe he blocked the girl was really coz he found the girl was too annoying and desperate. Probabaly he's afraid such kind of desperate girl will bring him lots of potential troubles in future. That's why I'm not sure if he has still kept planning with the girl where and when to meet if the girl would have behaved more normal.
I'm really not sure. What I said above are only what I guess. Even I have confronted him, and he has explained to me and cried, I'm still not not sure how true his explanation is. Maybe as Pupalicious said, I'm too neurotic!
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by cute_sense (111 days ago)
Why was he crying while explaining it to you? Some thing aren't right! Maybe he's curious and want to try threesome. I think he has some issues within himself that he needs to sort out. Maybe he should go counselling. You should go for a holiday without him to clear your mind and at the same time leave him sort out his feelings. Good Luck :-)
(I am based in Singapore)
Posted by luke_perry (111 days ago)
"Probabaly he's afraid such kind of desperate girl will bring him lots of potential troubles in future"
Good input! I missed that one.
However, this also means he stopped NOT because he wanted to be loyal but to avoid problems. If she was easy he would have gotten with her, you are implying that!
You are not neurotic, you are realistic. Don't lie to yourself. Why not prepare a trap for him? If he is clean he will pass. I would do that.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Sonnenblume (111 days ago)
Haha Luke, As also a man, You suggest me to trap him! You are quite honest in some way! ^^ Actually I have thought about that and discussed it with 2 of my another male friends, but both of them warned me not to do that coz, for them, if they know their girlfriends trap them in any way, they will immediately end the relationship!
I just read your reply to another post. and you said you have been a very loyal man to your woman and never cheated for more than 5 years until you arrived in HK for 7 months. Was it really so much temptation in Hk that you just couldn't resist that, or it was because there's problem in your relationship before you started to cheat? BTW, my boyfriend is also living in HK, but seems like he doesn't like to go to pubs or LKF, coz he goes directly home after work every day, and we chat on phone every night.
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by luke_perry (111 days ago)
My relationship was rock solid. I have nothing but good words to my ex girlfriend. We got along perfectly and had much fun, but then again "boys will be boys". You need to understand that we get "attacked" by women all the time, and everywhere. But don't misunderstand, is our fault to let anything happen. Nothing happens unless both parties agree.
I am sorry to say what I am going to say, but in fact I also did chat with my ex every day, as she was in Beijing at the time. However, I would go out before or after chatting. There are always ways to lie and cheat, we always have friends who will lie for us, etc...
Cheating is a terrible thing, is the worst thing you can do to someone because it destroys trust. I have learned my lesson and now I simply don't commit, therefore I don't cheat either.
I still want to advice you to test him, but your male friends are right. If you caught him, he will be so mad he will end the relationship. On the other hand, if you caught him it means he cheated, so the question is: Do you want to be with a cheater, or prefer him to know you are stupid and can be treated anyway he wants to treat you because you will never leave him?
If you test him and he is clean, your trust in him will be all the more stronger. If you test him and he is a cheater, you can stop wasting your time and find someone better.
Does this make any sense?
(I am based in Shanghai)
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