(8 yrs ago)
I am a canadian woman (26) dating a man from Hong Kong(he is 29 and moved to canada when he was 18) also,we live in canada.
At the beginning of the relationship he would buy me things all the time, say romantic things (i dont care about gifts but i did like the attention he gave me)He said he loves me and gave me a ring a few months ago (to show we are together) but, gradually over the course of our 8 month relationship we see less and less of each other (maybe once a week). I am a student at the moment and he is looking to start his own business and he is always working (ALWAYS) i never see him and its driving me MAD. We see each other a couple times a week now. when before it was much much more. He tells me that he wants to be with me after i've mentioned many times that his actions say otherwise. (for example: not calling much anymore, rather spend time with his friends than me etc.).
My question is... is it a chinese cultural thing that the men have to work all the time and not see their partner alot? or is it that he is loosing interest in me?
It definitely has nothing to do without culture at all....
I think it is cultural......My good friend here say she only sees her long term boyfriend who she's planning to marry only once a week. They tend to leave more seperate lives here at our age once they are in longer term relationship I think. I was really surprised by that cause my husband and I both westerners, spent every day together that we could from the moment we met.
Men here value their guy time and work WAY too many hours a week I think! but that is just an opinion.
(8 yrs ago)
i'm a canadian woman married to a local hk man.
there is a local saying... no money, no talk.
is it possible that he is trying to get his business up and running so that he has something to "offer" you... a stable family life, at least financially?
it is VERY normal for local men to spend HOURS at the office. there isn't much in the way of life/work balance here. i know that if he is serious about you, he is probably trying to get his life together in order to take the next step. most local men wouldn't dream of going any further unless they have something to offer...
or he could be cooling off.
only you can decide.
thanks so much for your answers! I have asked him repeatedly if he still wants to be with me and he just says that if i have to ask that question that we should just be finished. (not sure what that means) and he has told me many many times, no business means no money which means no family. He says he wants to get a business going to support his future family and make sure his future wife does not have to work.(but i want to work).
He comes from a family who owned their own business in HK and he is determined to start his own in canada.(which i have no doubt he will). I'm just so confused, this is my first relationship with someone who wasn't canadian and he is so much different than the guys i've dated. I find he is alot more respectful of people and wants to help EVERYONE if he can. But i really don't like that we don't see each other much.
(8 yrs ago)
whether you want to work or not is beside the point.
it is a matter of having enough face/financial freedom for him to feel like he can take the next step.
perhaps what he is saying is true. what he means by if you keep having to ask, then you should just finish, is that he is trying to PROVE to you how much he cares by showing you what he can provide. he believes that his actions are showing you how much he cares. many local men don't want their wives to work. it is a status thing. he can afford to have his wife stay home.
thanks for that answer cara! i think i need to stop bugging him to spend more time with me, he is a very busy guy. He works 6 days a week and he still manages to take me out once a week for dinner and a movie. Now that i think about it, if i worked that much i would want time to myself to de-stress and see my friends as much as i can. I think i'm just worrying over nothing. I love him so much and I never felt this strongly for someone before and i am behaving in a way that makes him think i doubt our relationship. Hopefully it'll all work out, thanks so much to everyone taking there time out to reply to my question :)
(8 yrs ago)
no, as a matter of fact, my hubby is not rich. i have earned more than he does since i met him.
he is COMPLETELY local. born, raised, educated here. his mother's family has been in hk for over 400 years... i don't think you can get more local than that.
my hubby is slightly different to most local guys, he'd have to be to put up with the likes of me. he had the opportunity to quit working and stay home to take care of the kids and we would have FREE housing. HE chose to keep working and pay all of his earnings towards rent. he works for himself and is home a lot to spend time with his kids. he prefers this to working in an office and earning a salary. he and he brother continually argue about this as his brother doesn't find what my hubby does to be a REAL job.
i stick with my analysis, alexis. good luck!
thanks, for more replys.. 1211 and cara! I don't mind what anyone says, I just really appreciate the time people have taken to give me advice.
It is the early stages of the relationship with us and I think i'm going to give it some time for us to really get to know each other further before i make any major decisions about this relationship. He is a good person, and i don't mind dealing with cultural differences.
He is just a very private person and probably the reason he feels he can't confide in me is that a few months ago we have a big fight and i was very upset about it, my sister saw that i was very upset and i confided in her about the problem and i told my bf that i mentioned our problem to her. He told me he feels he lost some trust in me, since i would talk about our relationship to her. I told him that was the only time i did it (which is the truth) which leads him to tell me that it will take time to earn the trust back. I'm willing to give him time to deal with this, but at the same time, its not odd for a canadian woman to confide in her family about relationship problems, and i feel that while i'm accepting of his cultural differences, he isn't of mine. I'll have to give him time and space to figure out what he wants to do, I love him and i want him to trust me again.
As usual, I agree with Ribbons.
Face up to it, Alexis, - he really isn't that into you. His actions speak of indifference, and it will not get better. Maybe he used to be attentive, but now he isn't. He has lost interest. This is regardless of any excuses he (or you) drum up.
Sure, he wants to keep you hanging on - because you do......
Ditch him. Find someone who shows he cares for you through his actions.
sounds to me that he doesn't want to deepen this relationship further til he is successful in his career and can offer you a safe future. Just keep faith, and if you love him just be patient with him.
Peace and Love
Quote: "I have asked him repeatedly if he still wants to be with me and he just says that if i have to ask that question that we should just be finished."
How do you react to a statement like that? You either say nothing, or back down. Right? With one statement he has closed the lines of communication between the two of you. He does not care about your feelings. He doesn't want to know about your concerns, and he certainly doesn't want to discuss them.
Quote: "...and make sure his future wife does not have to work.(but i want to work)."
A man who makes this statement will see his future wife as a possession and not as a person in her own right. He will not respect his future wife, and he does not respect you.
Butterfly Effect is right! He is doing exactly what he was programmed to do. Work hard, be successful, and add to his collection of things to show that he is successful. In your case he is trying to add a caucasian ( I assume ) trophy wife. If you do not comply he will just pick a different one. Who can stay home with the child and miss him while he is working all the time. I have many Chinese wives complaign to me that this is what they husbands do. Spending lots of time together and dealing wih emotional issues is not in the programming. It will not be no matter how successful his business is!!!
you deserve better sweetie, i hope it all works out
(8 yrs ago)
Hi, I'm in a similar position. My HK bf used to be really attentive, now I feel he is losing interest. I've struggled for a long time but I am still holding onto the relationship. He is under a lot of stress, lost his job and lost his apartment. I do not advise ppl breaking up unless they've had a really good talk. I will consider breaking up w/ him later, I love him and will be there for him during this tough time.
This is not a Chinese thing but a Hong Kong thing. Honestly I don't think expat men or even women in HK work less hours than Chinese men. Everybody work crazy hours and travel for business almost on regular basis just the same.
I think the standard of measurement should be how he treats you when he is with you and not just how often he can afford to be with you.
If you want to have attentive company with you all the time you'd be better off getting a dog in HK and I'm not trying to be mean. This is just a fact of life for a city like this and forget about these luvy-duffy cultural theories these people have thrown at you.
Kudos to 1211! Totally diggin that advice, dude!
Anyway, 8 months in and a ring...sounds like too soon and possibly compensation as per what 1211 said.
I would nix this dude if I were you.
Its not a matter of "is this normal in this such and such culture"? Its a matter of: how do "I" feel about all this?
Who gives a crap about an analysis of whether this is the "norm" somewhere, the question is whether this is the "NORM" you wish for your life? YOUR life.