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Complicated, mixed culture marriage.
Posted by jessiehamsandwich (185 days ago)
where to begin, I met him four years ago and fell in love as soon as I saw him. He was a dj. I think I was in love with the fact that he was a dj - not him. Well we married and have a child already. And we have been fighting alot, I have come to realize that we don't have much in common at all. Dont get me wrong I do love him. See when I married him I married him for all his faults but I thought I could change a few of them......but I think I was wrong. With his job as a dj, I barely see him and after 5 years of being together we have never lived together for more than 6 months.
The biggest thing we fight about happened right after our marriage. He went to work and left his computer on....I know I'm a bitch to have read it - but I was bored! It's all in Chinese but I can understand a bit....I love you is what I saw! When I confronted him he said he didn't write it and that his student uses his computer too! hmmmm BS!! After that he still didn't close it so I translated the whole note, it said "When can I see you again?, what about her?
I dont love her, I married her because my mother loves her.
tell me you love me
pause........
I love you!
My mother said I must marry *** but I dont want to I love you. I promise never to have his baby, only yours........etc. etc..
ARGH!!!!
Does he think I'm stupid that there is no way I'd find out about this. I later spoke to this girl (a dancer in his bar) on qq aand she said it was nothing but she wouldn't answer me whe I asked her if she loved my husband. When I told him he began to cry and sweat was everywhere. but still to this day he denies it. He says that because she is a dancer that she can help him find dancers for other discos etc. he says this is the Chinese way? is it?
We still mostly fight about me not trustig him, why should I he still has not admitt it. Then he says Chinese wy is different. If you saw us fight I'm sure you'd laugh! just through the little English he knows and the little English I use that he knows. He promises to study harder but hasn't. he calls me everyday to say I love you, but it isn't enough. I miss my romantic past. do you think he'll change?
The funny thing know is he's chasing me, I would never stay with someone just for my son but......i feel so lonely.
A girl living with her mother in law who speaks no english and who i dissagree with alot when it comes to my son. My husband lives in ningbo and comes here maybe once a month for 2-3 days. How can I trust him? I also get mad at him because when he does come for his visit he doesn't play with his son. He;s on the computer. I have told him many times to work in shanghai as a dj but he said he can makle more in ningbo. hmmm!! what would you think?
I know I tak things much more to heart then he does is it because of our cultural backgrounds?
is anyone going through the same thing?
I know you'd say leave him if you dont love him,.
(I am based in Shanghai)
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Posted by Christelita (185 days ago)
Sorry Jessiehamsandwich, this has nothing to do with culture differences and everything to do with the fact that your husband is a player. I cannot even fathom the reasons why he agreed to marry you, unless there was pressure from his family to produce a grandchild. He doesn't take things to heart as much as you do dimply because he does not really care about you - or even his son. Your husband probably has a steady girl friend / sex partner in Ningbo, and short-term casual flings on the side whenever there is a chance and opportunity. Sorry. Try to start looking for ways to get out.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by iwilltry (185 days ago)
Sorry to here about another cheating husband. Awful.
The time that you both spend together is too minimun and the fights that end up whenever you meet doesnt suggest a strong foundation.
Cultural differences matters alot and this should have been something you should have sorted out before getting married to him. Were you aware that he was to stay away that long even after marriage, if so, why did u choose it to be that way?
I spent couple of years hanging around with a liar and i always felt i could change him, but I spent long enough time to know that i would never marry a liar in the first place. Men hardly change their behaviours but they can always change their promises and make you feel happy again.
He's not truthful to you and perhaps going forward it doesnt make much difference and probably you'll lose all your love and respect for him. I think what you can do right now is ask him to shift over to where u are right now or either he loses you as a matter of fact.
I can sense how it feels to stay with a person who simply lies all over and betrays you. what is the punishment that anyone can think of for betraying husbands/wives?
i feel bad for such situations.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by jessiehamsandwich (185 days ago)
do you think if I learned the Chinese language that things might change. maybe we would have more incommon. I know I put this on myself, but it is true if i'm having doubts then I should do something about it. I think i'm mostly looking for an "i'm sorry" from him.
I've been avoiding him a little,, let him call me that sort of thing, and he has been alot. i think he knows that all isn't right in our world. I heard once from my chinese friend who married a foreigner that if he ever left her then no chinese would want her because she wasn't good enough for a foreigner (sad!) but i wonder. I have told him if his feelings ever change for me that I want him to tell me and of course we'll go our seperate ways. I told him I would never want to be between two people in love. him being Chinese I dont think he'd ever leave me even if he didn't love me. I have heard that lots of Chinese men have a wife and a 'lover'. Peiople have told me to love and forget and trust me I have tried but it's just so hard. We never forget the bad, only the good.
thank you both for your input!
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by iwilltry (185 days ago)
It would be utter rubbish if a culture allows you to marry and have a lover at the same time. Love has no culture, nor any barriers.
How is it possible to love 2 people just as much at the same time. Normally when you love another person, your love for the first will start to diminish. Where's the balance?
It isnt whether a particular culture allows or not, its whether you are able to accept it? 'Culture', 'need', 'weakness' are all commom words men use to hide behind their wrong doings and its no justification.
You love somebody but it doesnt mean you have to endure every single pain they give you. Good men dont need a 'second' chance or at least a 'third' chance.
If I were you, I would leave this man and live my own life. He isnt worthy of anything.
Why all the sacrifices are from you. Nothing from him? why dont you give him some english lessons instead of him giving you chinese lessons?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by cookie09 (185 days ago)
While you are free to express your own opinion, Iwilltry, I have to mention that until about 1970 even HK had a law that explicitly legalized a lover, so called concubine. I think this might give an indication how accepted a 'lover' was in the history of China.
The reason I say 'lover' is because a lover might actually not be for love but for sex. For some people sex = love, but for some that equation is not true. Hence I feel absolute statements like the one from you, Iwilltry, are not always helpful.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by iwilltry (184 days ago)
cookie09, I accept and respect what you say.
But we're now living in the 21st century where both men and women contribute equally. Earlier women used to stay at home and men was the breadwinner, so women were forced to accept the 'cultures' that women had to provide food, do housework, raise kids and as well tolerate anything a men does.
I agree, even my culture as this that the women have to 'tolerate' more but definately my culture does not allow 'lover' type of thing and even today 'divorce' is considered as a very bad thing and people look down on couples who divorce...which is good and bad.
Most cultures were made for the convenicene of men so that they can do anything they please and mark it down as a culture. I will certainly ask, why women was not allowed to have a lover then? Why all priviledge to men? Even if women was allowed to have a lover, not sure how many women actually dared to go against the husband.
Things have changed. People are educated. I am sure jessiehamsandwich is an educated lady who wants equal rights. Forget what culture had to say long back and I would say stand up and fight against such unfairness and not let them hide behind the so called 'cultures'.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by iwilltry (184 days ago)
jessiehamsandwich, you can certainly try to mend things, but whether it can mend anything inside your heart, I am not sure.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by the goddess kali (184 days ago)
jessie ham sandwich: u had a child with this man whom you knew was having an affair like 5 years ago. hmmmm. strange thing to do.
cut loose and run. learning chinese to change things with a man who's never there, who doesnt seem to be making the least effort? ? dont waste your time. u shoul've left 5yrs ago. dont wait any longer
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by canebisio (184 days ago)
jessiehamsandwich: if your husband really loves you he would come stay on Shanghai with you. How can you live in this situation? Leave him
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by iwilltry (184 days ago)
LGMV,
I am married. Apologies if I may have said anything adverse but If i put myself in the OPs shoes and I had such a husband, I would think twice before I stay with him anymore because I do respect him but I do respect my own instincts as well.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by gracehasle (184 days ago)
jessiehamsandwich:
there are 2 parts, the "player" part, which has nothing to do with culture, and the "mother-in-law+son" part, which might have something to do with culture.
For the player part, there's nothing to wait. Get some fresh air, and you may be surprised that you don't "love" him as much as you think, you just missed the good old days with him.Try writing a sort of memoire, and you'll find that's all that's left.
For the second part, cultural difference might explain (not justify!) something - it is not uncommon in china for an extended family to "accept" a man with 2 "wives" particulary when there are offsprings. My late father had 2 wives (3+4 kids), my half brother has 2 wives (4+2 kids). It might not be "legal" but if you have the means nobody is going to bother you.
I would certainly not be surprised if this guy is keeping his relationship with you for the sake of satisfying his mother.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by jessiehamsandwich (184 days ago)
I was so in love.
After I had found out he had cheated on me, he had changed and seemed scared I would leave him and so instead of admitting it he lied - but I think being Chinese he did it to protect me from being hurt. I mean his mom often lies to me too, nothing bad but for eg. when I come home from work I asked how everything went with my son (1 1/2yrs.) she says fine, I find out later she tells me she took him to the hospital to check up on his cold. as for that I think there are way too many drugs used here where as where I'm from we may take one medication or home remedies-but that another story. what I mean is I know she's doesn't want me to worry about anything, same with my husband.
But I have been learning Chinese on my own and one day if I catch him (or if I have proof as this happened over a year ago) then I have told him I will leave. I think I will take it slowly. But you are all right he should move here. As I tell him this he says he can make more in another city as he isn't a top dj like the ones in shanghai but I always tell him money isn't everything (for the chinese I think it is - sorry to any of you who are! - all he worries about is money and I guess the way I grew up I just dont worry about it. or is it because he is the so called 'man' and feels it's his duty to supply?) i tell him we come first.
It's been so hard to get him a visa to canada, I dont want to sponsor him...because of this and because of the money situation...it;s much better here . I just want to get him a visitor visa but the canadian gov. says no - they dont believe he will return here. so I dont know. To sponsor him we have to live in canada 2 out of 5 years but right now as I said thats not a good idea.
Sometimes I think he may have not been attracted to me at all just the fact that I'm a foreigner, but know I really do think he loves me more then he did.
thank you for listening.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by jessiehamsandwich (184 days ago)
i forgot to mention in my first paragraph after he had 'changed ' he wanted to start a family and so 3 months later we did. That has only been over two years ago.
we'll see how hard he fights (changes) to keep this relationship..
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by s1339 (184 days ago)
Jessie, you certainly sound like you want to work out the relationship despite you have some concerns and your woman's instinct has told you that he's cheated on you. To let him show the best of himself, put all your suspicion and concern aside and assume the only reason he is not moving to Shanghai is because he can make more money in Ningbo to support the family and give you and your son a better life. With this in mind, ask him what he thinks if you, your son & his mother would all move to Ningbo to live with him so that the family can be together. If he doesn't love you, he will probably find all the excuses. If he does care the family, he would say yes. If he says yes, atleast your heart is settled and you would have stronger faith to continue working out the relationship. If he says no, that's another push factor for you to leave him.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by jessiehamsandwich (181 days ago)
thank you. s1339.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by KennyL (181 days ago)
just get rid of the guy. he broke your trust and you want to keep the marriage? have some respect for yourself. consider a divorce.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by hoyo (181 days ago)
you married a dj! so you must accept not only him but all the package that comes with it!! dj are like artists, they need excitement and originality in life. for sure, your life will be colourful!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by seneca (181 days ago)
I am more puzzled by yourself rather than him; you wrote 'we married' and 'I love him being a DJ, not him'.
You fell in love because he was a DJ; that is a baffling statement. Does it mean you were impressed by his Bohemian wayt of life?
Surely you have matured a little over the past five years and realise now that you married for the wrong reason. Why blame it entirely on him? A DJ is per definitonem a person that leads a rather social life. This is anathema to a woman that wants a regular family life with child.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by CaptDave (136 days ago)
Most women are very shallow - either marrying for money, or excitement. You married for excitement, now you are reaping what you sowed.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by MidLevelsJane (136 days ago)
CaptDave - that's not a very nice thing to say, think of her feelings. Anyway, often men are shallow too.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by yeziMM (136 days ago)
I think the fault is not due to mix culture ,but ur husband himself
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by flashback (135 days ago)
Let's pull out the facts here... You've been married for 5 years, but never been together for more than 6 months. You see him for 2-3 days a month. He's got a girlfriend in the town he lives in. You work, and live with his mother, and probably pay a sizeable support, and are a faithful, hardworking wife and mother? You're unhappy and confused and wondering what's going on between him and his mistress... him and you and why he even married, and well... I'm sitting here wondering what you're getting out of this...? You admit you married him because of some adolescent dream of marrying a DJ... and now you're a neglected, frustrated woman living your mother in law....
Do you really need us to tell you that this is definitely not a fun relationship for you? How many more years are you going to spend on this?
I have to admit, I was sort of touched by your rather naive question about would it help if you learned Chinese? I got a glimpse at that moment of the deep pathos of this whole sad situation. Learning Chinese is not going to help... getting a labotomy might... then you really won't have to think about anything.
Sweetheart, I think you should get some clarity on this situation. Have you ever read "A Portrait of a Lady" by Henry James...? You're the Canadian/Chinese version of Isabel Archer... the last to know what everyone else around you is hiding from you.... you'll have to read the book... I want to break it to you gently... when you get the same epithany that hit Isabel... well, you really will need someone there to hug you. Luckily this is the 21st century, and you don't have to languish...
I think you need to get yourself some support to help you go through this situation, and how you got yourself into it. Clearly, you're confused and have not thought through this marriage, baby, relationship.... lalalala.... Can you go to counselling there? If so, do it as soon as you can. You need to start getting acquainted with reality, and where you can go from here.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by julen_larsen (129 days ago)
flashback made it quite clear, but I would like to add the following. Consider the following scenario. You hit yourself with a hammer and think "wow, that hurted", then you hit yourself again, just to be sure it does hurt. Then, you hit yourself one more time because, after all, you did hit yourself twice and survived...get where I am going with this?
Apparently, you threw 5 years of your life down the pipe, so the question is: How many more years are you willing to waste? and [maybe more importantly] in the name of what? the santicity of marriage? traditions? the harmony of a family?
Are we witnessing the birth of a new Martyr and we didn't notice?
Dear, like flashback mentioned, you need a reality check pretty badly. You yourself wrote that you fall in love with a perception of him. You wanted the dj, and (as I have seen many times before being tried on yours truly) you thought that you could somehow change him into a husband and father. You were looking for a plasma TV in the organic food section, if you get my drift. You know what they say about trying to make a pig sing, and I point this out not to hurt you in any way but to ensure that you understand what you did wrong.
So, lesson learned, is time to move on. You are NOT going to fix him because, as I can see even from where I stand, he does not want to be fixed. He is having a hell of a time indeed! So better just get away of this situation and stop pissing away your life.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by jessiehamsandwich (125 days ago)
I don't consider any parts of my life a waste of time or being 'pissed away' , quite frankly I'm pissing away my life reading this nonsense! AS it comes to be, it's my life and I chose the route to take and will again for the future, I have learned a lot and have loved and laughed at all your anticks - thank you!
Feel free to keep this space open to talk amoungst yourselves as I no longer will.
truly,
me
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by flashback (125 days ago)
I agree no one's experiences are ever wasted. Each experience is exactly the result of the choices we have made immediately beforehand. If you are happy with what you have, then that is all that matters. Good Luck Jessie.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by driftwoodacres (124 days ago)
Jess i am american, married to philipina, i work in usa, but i spend 6 mos of the year with my wife. We too fight but not for your reasons, our marriage going on nine yrs and our love never been stronger. I too played for many many years but I grew up before I met my now wife. You need to decide, i agree with others, he's got a 4-5 girls at least. Face it opps! dont allow your self to be door matt.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by flashback (123 days ago)
Well... the truth is... she doesn't 'need' to do anything... If this is all cool to her... then that's okay... Man... leave those alone who do not dwell in discomfort... Jess we're here for you when you need it... In the meanwhile... if you have to do more research in the field.... then you have to do more research in the field...
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Puti (122 days ago)
I have an English girlfriend with a 'mainland husband'
She came here, looked after his aged mother and father and raised his children. I do not think 'learning the language' was an option, rather a necessity.
He had 2 or 3 other 'wives' but she loved him. At no time did the argument of fidelity come up, rather the number - number one wife , number two and so on.
Her children are number one, she lives a good life at number one, and she is the one the mother in law is around. She is in no way disillusioned that there are others.
This is cultural, and I have no personal cultural parameters with which to understand it. but she obviously does. So, we have the discussions about her rights at number one and we tactfully leave out the rest of the numbers.
Since you are living with your child and your mother in law, so clearly you are number one, truthfully, does the rest matter to you?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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