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i love her but she hurt me so bad
Posted by chinacalls (158 days ago)
when i met my wife 9 years ago, i beleived i have met the one i will spend my life with forever, i never for once cheated on her, i became a mockery in the presence of my friends because i never said no to my wife, i always wanted her to be the first, i did things i never did to my parent for her parents, even though we quarrelled most of the time i was always on hand to say sorry first no matter who was at fault, but at the end she hurt me so much, we devorced not becasuse of love but because she felt her parents came first depsite the facts that we have two kids, it's been 6 month but can't stop thinking about her, can't stop asking myself where i went wrong or why she had to go this far, this has reallt disturb me from dating evn though my friends suggested i shouldn't go back to her.i feel confused, what should i do?
(I am based in Beijing)
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Posted by cookie09 (158 days ago)
get some balls, forget her and move on. she abused you in your relationship, so your friends are right: don't go back.
after 9 years 6 months 'mourning' is ok. the key is to tell yourself to move on then time will take care of the rest.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Ann Dives (158 days ago)
Your mind is still wired towards your relationship. It's normal. In a sense you are grieving.
But you have to move on. Your marriage is "dead".
Time will heal. In the meantime, occupy yourself with other things, like work.
One morning you will wake up and realise the pain has subsided and you are ready for something new.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by iwilltry (157 days ago)
Chinacalls,
I am sorry to hear about your pain. However, I think you haven't told us most of the facts that have actually broken your marriage apart. It cannot be as simple as 'her parents comes first' and therefore she left you and her kids.
I may be wrong here but as i understand it, once you're married, most men want their wives to respect and care about their parents (husband's parents) and at no cost would they want the wife to disobey or disrespects them. However in return most husbands do not treat the wife's parents the same way...they want the wife to build distance from her parents whom she have stay with for as many years before she got married.
Most of the time it gets above the limit and therefore arguements. I am married and my husband sometimes carry messages that he wants me to build distance from my own family or even say things to pull my leg and most of the time it leads to serious arguements because i feel he has to respect my parents if he wants me to do the same to his.
I remember occassions where he said smth to my parents which I didnt appreciate and we ended up saying 'lets divorce'.
Perhaps smth similar have happened with both of u? Did u always nag her family in front of her? - honestly no matter how wrong you feel the other set of parents are, husband/wife should not say it so directly because it hurts.
When u enter a new relationship, you shouldnt be expected to leave down those that were formed from birth till perhaps death.
Although I agree she shouldnt have left you if thats the only reason but i sense smth more to it. Its not easy for a woman to just leave her husband and kids like that. In fact, no parents will encourage this.
Sometimes we cross our limits and disrespect relationships that cannot be broken just upon the creation of new ones.
Me as a wife, i feel really hurt if my husband doesnt respect my family - it deeply does.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by RealMadRidd (157 days ago)
My (now ex) wife spent all of her time with her mother. When I was at work the only place I could contact her was at her mothers. She now drives the same type car, got the same type and colour of dog (and named it after one of her mother's previous dogs) and holidays with her every year. All a bit odd if you ask me.
When you committ to marriage you are meant to committ to each other. It is a matter of balance with everyone else.
You were clearly the victim of abuse, which unfortunately is never taken seriously when the victim is male. Like most abuse victims you are telling yourself that it was your fault. It is not.
Forget her, if you go back into an abusive relationship it will only empower. People like this never change, they just get more extreme.
Good luck. Move on.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by fhl2007 (154 days ago)
Chinacalls,
First, congrats on taking a big step in seeking advice from others. It is not always easy to admit we need help. May I suggest first stop blaming yourself for the behavior of others. I can give you more advice (I am a Counselor with a PhD in Counseling, living in Tianjin), but this is a huge second step. You have already done the hardest step which is asking for help. Good luck to you.
FHL Wellness
(I am based in Beijing)
Posted by mydarlingisa (145 days ago)
sounds like i am a good woman compared to all you have dated and married but i still can't find a man who appreciates me and loves me. Why? right time, wrong person... time will heal. Me and my ex are good friends, even though we argued and hated each other in the past marriage. There are things we can try to talk it out and see what we can do. If one person gives and the other one gets and never return, this relationship will not work.
You all loved your ex wife doing that, may because she looked like a good girl who sticked with her parents, didn't party or hung out with bunch of guys...
my suggestion is, to hang out with the person who experienced what they were supposed to experience. They know what they are looking for... at least they know what they are NOT looking for. I am not a girl who clings to my parents or my ex. It will be nice but i understand everyone has their own things to deal with. They will encourage me to find things to do and find hobbies. As long as i know no matter how far they are, I am still in their heart, they miss me and they will call me and what time they will come back to me, that's enough.
Hangout with her mom may not be a bad thing. at least you know where to look for her, where to find her. Find the reason why you love her, why you married her, you may feel better... good luck with your next relationship.
I am divorced and I am hopeful.
(I am based in Bahrain)
Posted by Kate71 (143 days ago)
Chinacalls
Who knows why a relationship fails? Sometimes people come together for a while and then they grow apart - it's not logical but it's life...
I wouldn't presume to tell you why your relationship didn't work out - and I'm sorry for your pain - but one thing you said really rings alarm bells with me - "I never said no to her"... you may think that in giving a woman everything they will know that you love and adore them - and it's a wonderful sentiment, but in fact, every woman I know wants a man who says "NO" to her at times... not all the time and only with good reason, but we want a man to be strong and to set boundaries for us...
Many years ago I went out with an utterly lovely man who was sweetness itself - he was truly wonderful and taught me a lot about how men could be sensitive, loving and kind... he was great... and I left him... why? because at the end of the day, I could walk all over him and I didn't want that... I am now happily married to a wonderful man who is far less compliant (and much more challenging) but life is richer and better because it feels like a relationship of equals (we can both say no to each other)
Hope this helps... you will mourn for a while, it's natural... and counselling could well help and help you to understand yourself better so that you feel ready for the next (and better) relationship when it does eventually come
this pain will pass- best of luck
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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