The clock is ticking ... but I'm still single

Posted by Miss A (92 days ago)

Tick tick tick ...

I'm in my early 30s. I have a demanding job, and a management role. I work a lot and don't go out enough, obviously don't get to meet people.

Recently, a few of my friends have announced their engagements, it got me thinking...

The last time I dated was a year ago, it did not go any further after a few dates because the guy didn't think he was good enough for me - as he put it. He did ask me out again two months ago, but I couldn't be bothered, if he realised he wasn't "good enough" for me a year ago, doubt he'd be "better" all of a sudden.

Where should I start? Any advice?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by woods99 (92 days ago)

If you "couldn't be bothered" going out with a man just because he transgressed your high standards previously, perhaps you need to think again about your attitude.

Join some clubs. Develop a genuine interest in all the people that you meet.

Above all, realise that establishing relationships is not like shopping, or being a manager; to establish good relationships you have to be a real human being, and learn to appreciate the good and bad in others.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sicn (92 days ago)

Miss A, if you were a man, it shouldn't be a problem, many young and attractive women would find their way to you. The question is for those "good enough" single male out there, will they choose the one who is young, attractive and might not be successful but have more time available for them or someone who is successful with high standard, eager to settle down and has little extra time?
The fact is most successful single guy of your age are enjoying their good time and won't easily want to settle down since their "prime time" is still plenty. If you don't want to settle for "less" of a man, maybe you shall have the same attitude that good time first and see what the future holds.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by cookie09 (92 days ago)

"The last time I dated was a year ago, it did not go any further after a few dates because the guy didn't think he was good enough for me"

i have never heard a guy making such a comment for real EXCEPT as a code for saying that the girl is not genuine in her relationship, i.e. looking for status, standards, money, success, etc. All the things that do not really matter in a real relationship.

i like what woods said: "you have to be a real human being, and learn to appreciate the good and bad in others."

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Miss A (92 days ago)

I didn't say he wasn't good enough for me. He said so himself.
That's why I wondered ~ if he didn't think he was good enough back then, why is it different now ? It's not that long ago. So I don't know which part of it I should appreciate, and what has it got to do with my job?!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by iwilltry (91 days ago)

Well, first question to ask those ladies who feel clock is ticking and are still single....why let the clock tick for so long??? What took you so many years to find that person?

Bad experiences or too hard working career-wise and neglected your personal life?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (91 days ago)

Relationships are the most important thing in life, and anybody who seeks to have good relationships needs to have the right sense of perspective.

If you want a relationship just because you are getting older, you probably will not find a good relationship. Think again about your priorities in life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (91 days ago)

Are you sure you're not doing this simply because your friends have got engaged and you don't want to be left out? Why not take some time off work and go to Italy for a couple of weeks. You will probably get a lot of attention from some very handsome men and you can show the pictures to your friends to make them jealous. "Oh, this is Mario... and this is Paolo.. so cute and such big eyes etc". Italy is a great place for women to gauge their sex appeal. If they don't hit on you in the first 2 days (excluding jet lag) then you have a major problem. Of course, if you are not interested, you have to affect boredom, roll your eyes and say "Basta!" in a provocative way - at which point they will smile an pretend they have done nothing wrong. Honestly, these guys are real movers - only the Brazilians can compete with them for both speed of operation and looks. For the record, I once saw a Brazilian guy make separate passes at 2 women whilst he was ordering a coffee. That's 2 passes in 5 minutes. At least one woman must have given in by the end of the day.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by homely (91 days ago)

Yes, make a move out of Hong Kong and hopfully encounter romance somewhere, anywhere! You only live once! I wish I knew that when I was in my thirties.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sicn (91 days ago)

I read an article here stating that women are the happiest in their lives when they are single. Since Miss A is also finacially indepndant, she is truely FREE.
Agree with most posters aboe, Miss A shall thank God for the free world has to offer.
Also I think having "standard" on who you shall date can really handicapt you enjoying life and limit your chance of finding that pearl under the hay.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by My Hong Kong (90 days ago)

"I read an article here stating that women are the happiest in their lives when they are single." I doubt it! Most women do like to have a man in their lives. A good man...that is.

Miss A, íf YOU think that the guy is good enough for you...then give him a chance and make him feel that he is good. However, you said that you couldn't be bothered. Well, in general you do need to bother if you wish to build a relationship with someone. It requires work.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dadda (90 days ago)

Miss A - I would assume the guy had a little sarcasm when making that comment. Really wouldn't let it go to your head....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (79 days ago)

I was chatting to a woman the other day. She was 37, single, wants to be married and have a child.
The only problem was she cannot find men who meet all her criteria (tick boxes).
I told her to forget her shopping list.
If it is a choice of man without A/B/C or being alone, what do you choose?

The guy last year may have said he was 'not good enough' because he was made to feel inadequate. This may not be the case, but it is worth taking into consideration.

As has been hinted at, stop being a manager and be a open human being. Flawed and falible like the rest of us.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by magnolia_khan (79 days ago)

Just do the math. With that disparity of men and women ratio here in hong kong..dating scene is a heaven for guys but just not so for women. I'd rather enjoy solitude than settling for the wrong guy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (79 days ago)

I'm not advocating settling for the wrong guy.
But suggesting lowering the bar on the things that are not really important in a relationahip. Things like 'must be a senior manager', 'must have own house', etc.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by vallient (75 days ago)

Thats tough, what do you want a guy for in the first place? You can choose to not be single anytime you wish if you just lower your standards enough. If your looking for happilly ever after though thats going to take a lot more work and time.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by tigerbay (73 days ago)

Like I said, concentrate on the things that are important. That is how you find happiness. Some people think that happiness can be found in material security, sadly that is not the case. Material security is no guarantee of happiness. It just buys you a better class of misery.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by vallient (63 days ago)

Tigerbay

Isn't "better" misery still, well, better??? I think so, I'd rather be in a miserable relationship then be miserable and alone...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by ziggity (63 days ago)

really, who would chose to be miserable either way? Surely, it can't be that hard to find yourself someone you actually want to date... but he is unlikely to knock on your door so maybe you need to get out there.

I can't believe people seriously settle for being miserable with someone else as a better alternative... that is just pathetic. Why would you waste you life like that?!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (63 days ago)

Okay, this is a little extreme but here is some genuine advice from the father of two girls. I think you are at the stage in life where you need to go on a 'genetical smash and grab raid'. You're may have to throw self-respect and morals in the dustbin for a few months, but biologically this is definitely the way to go. Find a healthy, smart (doctor etc) man, preferably good-looking; seduce him and get pregnant at all costs. It doesn't matter what he thinks and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it doesn't matter whether he is married or not - just get the genes. It should pay off in the long run as the kid will probably be intelligent and a hard-worker. I repeat this is a genuine bit of helpful advice - approved by Charles Darwin - and I am not laughing at you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ziggity (63 days ago)

She's in her early 30's, not 40's! and she doesn't mention wanting kids ASAP but rather a date at the least and a husband at best....

you really are a troll sometimes LGMV! I can't believe you would recommend that, you just want attention! haha

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by x_Serenity_x (62 days ago)

Men are intimidated by women who earn more than them. When I earnt more than my boyfriend he utterly hated it and I think the thought that 'he's not good enough for me' may have crossed his mind once or twice. It doesn't help that his family point out that he's less qualified than me, earns less than me, blar blar blar. It is difficult for a woman to find a man who is able to cope with her wealth and powerful position.

My advice is to put yourself in situations where you will be asked out, for example in a bar or possibly in the gym. Western weddings are good places for meeting another half, and there are speed dating clubs in Hong Kong. And when you are asked out, my advice is to say yes, to all of them! Opening your mind to possibilities is the way forward. You will have to kiss a few frogs (not litterally) to find a prince but it's worth it in the end.

A lot of my Chinese friends make snap decisions on first impressions and they're the ones who are miserable and single while I'm happy in a relationship. You can't change a man you don't like but you can polish one up!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (62 days ago)

Ziggity. The lady wants advice not some namby pamby nonsense about getting out more (which she obviously can't). If she simply goes to clubs, she has to compete more with other women and this reduces the chance of her getting a smart baby. She should attack now whilst she is still attractive. Grab the first good-looking doctor she sees and if this doesn't work, she should move onto the next one. No point in wasting time. I'll certainly recommend this strategy to my daughters when they grow up. I don't want some shiftless grandchild hanging round the flat all day. No siree Bob!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ziggity (62 days ago)

So LGMV how are you proposing she meets these doctors?? At her desk?

I imagine if she had a supply of single (or taken but interested as you also suggested) doctors just hanging around I doubt she would need to be here asking this question!

I feel sorry for your daughters. Your obsession with doctors and seemingly lack of any morals or concern for your daughters happiness, but and your only concern appears to be that they get pregnant to a doctor before they are 30. Ridiculous.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (62 days ago)

Well it doesn't have to be a doctor. I'm using a doctor as an example because 1) you have to be smart - you can't really 'wing' a medical exam and 2) you need to be hardworking. Any profession or job that requires these criteria. If she hangs on until 40 then a whole new batch of competition will have come up. Note I'm suggesting she 'seduce' - she must know how to do that. She can easily try to seduce a man; it must be extremely easy. If, however, she waits a few years I would think it would be harder - though still possible. At least my advice is sensible in the long-term. What are you offering as an alternative?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ziggity (62 days ago)

You still haven't suggested where and when she is possibly going to meet these men?? I imagine, what happens after that is what most of us would consider to be the easy part.

I am suggesting she make an effort to meet new people, do speed dating if she has no time, or online dating, take up a sport. Whatever suits her personality and time, and get out and date men with an open mind. She needs to spend some time trying to find someone they aren't going to come knocking on her door if they don't know she exists are they

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (62 days ago)

Meet men? I'm not talking about meeting them. I'm saying see should find someone that appears acceptable and go for it. Meeting them involves a social event and therefore competition. Your suggestion is feeble and greatly reduces her chances.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (62 days ago)

Half of the population is made up of men. You don't need to 'meet' them. Obviously if you stay in one room the whoe day, it becomes problematic but she could bump into a few on the way home.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ziggity (62 days ago)

right so your plan is on the bus or in a cab on the way home she is going to meet many suitable men to seduce and have babies with... hum... do you live in the same world as the rest of us?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (62 days ago)

Ziggity, It's not exactly rocket science finding a decent guy is it - as long as you don't have to meet them socially. If she is looking for a banker then perhaps she could go to areas where these men tend to congregate. Does she live in a good area of the city or does she try to save money and live in a less well-off area? She should always good for the good area, even if it means renting a room. It has everything to do with boldness. All she has to do is ask. I would say 85% of men are up for it and it only takes one sperm cell to get pregnant. As long as she doesn't want self-respect and a good repuatation, everything will work out fine.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (62 days ago)

Looks like the OP has left the building.
Are you out there Miss A?

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Miss A (61 days ago)

Oh dear, do I need to answer to some questions for you guys? :)

I did log back in to read some comments before, but I found some of the earlier comments quite unfair because they totally misunderstood where I was coming from, so I simply didn't respond - didn't want to start a debate really... until today I was notified of so many responses, I thought I would come back again!

I felt some of the earlier comments were unfair because what I was trying to say was, the guy (in my story) felt he was not smart enough for me - not that I walked away from him because **I thought** he wasn't good enough for me. Like things were all good but all of a sudden he wanted out. So when he asked me out again, I was rather puzzled and felt a bit insecure - because of what he said the last time around. I didn't want to start it all over again and then get the same thing from him again.

I'm rather helpless here because even my female colleagues who heard my story asked "who would dare date you?", so it's not me being picky or thinking too highly of myself, but I think it's 1) maybe the impression I give others - unintentionally really; 2) certain men seem to be after non-career minded women? but hey I can't change my job for that, right? 3) I just haven't met the right one?!

I can tell you, I once dated someone a bit younger than me, earned much less than me, honestly, I didn't mind, but very soon he called it off for the same reason. Someone smart would be good and fun I have to say, but I have really been trying to be open minded and I have appreciated these guys for who they are, but still I'm not getting anywhere.

I'm not desperate or anything, but if I want to be with someone at the end of the day, something has to start some time, and somewhere ....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (61 days ago)

Miss A, What are the chances of Mister Perfect coming along? Really, what are the odds? In your shoes I would a) consider lying about my job. Set up another bank account with an autopay function from your payroll account. It would then transfer HK$7,000 per month to your second account. You could say this is your salary and that you are a seamstress or something b) following my genet-based plan stated above which is admittedly a bit controversial among the more genteel posters on this website. Just wondering if your situation is why there seem to be a lot women dating each other in HK.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (61 days ago)

miss A, men don't mind what money you make or what assets you have, they care more about how you behave with them. of course, there will always be men who do not accept to be "inferior" to women but there are also some who don't mind. saying that, if you are really in a highly responsible job, your people management should be good so i don't understand why you have problem in dealing with men? learn to deal with people and how to handle them and our chance of finding a man will increase.
the way i see, your problem lies in your attitude.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (61 days ago)

miss A, to answer your question, don't waste your time with a man who thinks he's not good for you, either he said it sarcastically or he is really not good for you, whatever he's not for you. find someone else.
it should not be too difficult to meet people, go out more and have an open mind and attitude, widen your net, select only later when you have a few in the net. as people say, beggars cannot be choosy.....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (61 days ago)

I find myself agreeing with Hoyo... People are attracted to others who make them feel good about themselves. If this man feels inadequate around you, then, as Hoyo says, you ought not to date him, and I doubt it would have gone much further even if you had accepted his second offer.

Having all the professional qualities etc. that you have is of no account to anyone who can get that themselves. The issue for someone is whether or not they like being around you. You don't sound as if you make people feel at ease. In fact, you don't sound at ease yourself. You're a high achiever, but is this a mask for insecurity?

Why don't you just go out and have some fun with the girls, and hopefully sooner or later, when you've learned to live a bit and experience people as people and not potential fathers, or corporate stars, you may find yourself becoming attracted to someone... I think when that happens, the other person will feel more confident to approach you. Encouragement and genuine feeling or chemistry can be felt by the other person... You haven't met anyone who's bringing that out in you, so no one is picking anything up.... Perhaps it's because you haven't given yourself the chance to just get to know others first and begin to have feelings for them..
Take all that corporate cash and join a club, do some socialising and listen and feel with other people... and you might meet someone you care about...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by CaptDave (60 days ago)

Bottom line is, unless you plan seducing a man as suggested by LGMV (not a terrible idea, even if it does violate social norms). You DO have to get out more.
Whether you plan a seduction or a LTR, If you're looking to connect with people, I'd recommend you join the FCC ... vibrant atmosphere without being like a bar or club ... great place to stop off on the way home, lot's of busy professionals, very friendly, and easy to strike up a conversation.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (59 days ago)

You said that your clock is ticking. I assume you are talking about your biological clock and want to have children. Because if you just want a relationship with a man, age is not an issue. I know plenty of divorced, widowed, single women in their 50s and 60s who met nice men later in life.
So, if kids are high on your agenda, you can support them and have a full-time helper, the good news is that you don't need a man. Nowadays as a single woman you can get frozen sperm sent over from any sperm bank in the world (illegal in HK but available elsewhere). A lot of single women in Europe and the States have taken this route.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (59 days ago)

Selda, Mail order frozen sperm? LOL. I wonder how the companies do quality control. Surely my seduction method is superior to this suggestion. At least she'll have a reasonable idea of what the kid may look like and be certain of its origin. With a dodgy frozen sperm company, they could send you anything; it may not even be human. Or it could just come from the company founder to save on costs.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (59 days ago)

well, LGIMV, your plan sounded much more fun than mine, but is she can't find this elusive good-looking, smart doctor, then the sperm bank has a long list of tall, blond, blue-eyed Danish college students. Yes, you can even take a look at their pics, though you cannot know their name, address etc.
If looking for an Asian donor, American sperm banks have quite a few nerdy looking medical students with high IQ, and some good-looking school dropouts who get by donating sperm for money (not a bad occupation) .

Of course, frozen sperm is less effective than fresh sperm, so many shipment and trials might be required to get pregnant. I am sure that if a floating sperm bank came to international waters close to HK, it would be a roaring success. There are so many single women here...and provided that donors are screened for transmittable diseases, some women would not hesitate to pay a lot of money to be inseminated safely and anonymously on that boat. I think this is a great business idea, i wonder why nobody has thought about it, as it would circumvent the restrictive legislation of HK on matters of reproduction rights.


I

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (59 days ago)

LGVM - you will be surprised! These days you can even get "Celebrity lookalike" sperm donors! Like...ooooh, I wouldn't mind having a kid who looks like a cross between me and that Swedish guy on True Blood! Full catalogues of these lookalikes and you can get their "donation" as soon as you can afford it! Who needs intelligent doctors when you can get that, eh?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (59 days ago)

That said: OP, you need to get out more...or the opposite, you need to stop looking too hard...its a toughie.

If you arent getting out at all: You need to get out more

If you are looking in bars and clubs: Start looking in libraries and churches

Yep, pick up a hobby...oh, and speed dating is SO not the place to look, unless you want to go through a 100 other people who couldn't care to give something serious more of their precious life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (59 days ago)

miss A, pm me, when i'm in HKG next, i'll see you and tell you what i think of you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wellington (58 days ago)

SOLD BY DATE
------------------

There is a famous saying in Chinese, and I will paraphrase, its about two guys standing on a bridge looking at the fish below,one guys says"those fish are happy"whereupon his friend says"how do you know, you're not a fish"and the guy answers how do you know you're not me!
This illustrates the dilemma in city where many beautifull girls are looking for an out and many woman are competing.

I guess its a dilemma only if you're that person.

I am rather older and have some experience on how woman think,this is my opinion which I hope will be of help to those who feel the clock ticking by.

First understand what rejection means,and try not to take it personally but there is nothing more attractive in a woman who can appraoch a guy directly and start a conversation............if you find an attractive guy,try not to think of it as marraige ,just approach and speak,sadly we live in an age where we assume ever woman who starts a conversation with a guy wants to sleep with him...................hey and why not if its what you want,if you know what you want then go out an get it.

You are already sucessful by being in Asia,,use you charm tact and itelligence, you have that over others but most of all do not be phased by rejection.

Be bold approach any interesting guy you see, be direct, state your case and move on if it does not work.

I know because this has happned to me and ofcourse I am flattered.
lee du ploy

ps There is someone for every one,just got to make the effort.
there is an intereseting song called "seventeen" by Janice Ian

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Highway-9 (58 days ago)

People, like cheese, improve with age. Peoples judgement also, usually, matures. A younger person has little experience of life and frequently can't carry a meaningful conversation (or relationship).

In todays permanently connected high pressure business environment people can end up 'married to their jobs'. Trouble is business or work, as a marriage partner, is unsatisfactory.

The last thing you need to do is to set a date - I must be married by ....

If you don't get out (mix) you will likely change your status. Go on weekend tours or take up some interest - the latter is a good way of meeting someone with a common interest.

Likely a bar or club is not the place to make a 'find'.

As others have implied, life is (supposed to be) an equal opportunity deal and likely there are men also in a similar position and would respond positively if a women made the first move.

And if you have a check list, don't wait to check off every box. You can meet a winner in the most unusual circumstances.

(I am based in Vietnam)

Posted by DreamPrince (26 days ago)

As Wellington said, there is someone for everyone. My recommendation is to try speeddating. Its a very efficient way of meeting people. No more than 5~8 minutes a person, so no wasted time and you cycle though 15~20 people in one evening.

There is a website which lists all the upcoming events for both locals and expats in Asia called www.speeddateasia.com Its a free resource site with lots of interesting articles as well.

I've been to a few of those events and found it very fun and exciting. A bit rushed at times, but you meet a lot of new friends for sure.

Good luck and Cheers

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (26 days ago)

Selda; As I mentioned in a previous post, sperm banks are all very well but how do you the picture matches the ... ahem... sperm? Like most things these days, it's probably contracted out to different countries so the photo might come from a technological researcher at Sony Ericsson whereas the actual sperm could come from a pig farmer in Yunnan province. All probably perfectly legal.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (26 days ago)

so miss A, any luck recently?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hk guy? (24 days ago)

what's wrong with pig farmers from Yunnan Loyd? :-)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by spurtio (24 days ago)

You mean like the one in Canada tried for murdering 20 prostitutes and feeding them to his pigs. They think he may have killed 49 girls.
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Sky-News-Archive/Article/20080641296304

(I am based in Hong Kong)