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jealousy help!
Posted by saddy2 (45 days ago)
i m very very jealous of my husband and that is ruining my life. we ve been married for 16years now have 4 kids he is 40 I’m 38. he cheated on me with his assistant since then could nt trust him any more neither couldn t leave him. he is trying to make things work between us but my jealousy get him very mad. i cant stop checking his phone computer call him many times in the office. tthis 2 weeks will be very though for me us he will have many visitor coming to hk for his job so he will spend lot time with them (men and women) how can i deal with my behavior control my self not questioning him when he will come back at night .please help !!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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Posted by cookie09 (44 days ago)
hard to tell any advice. your writing is very erratic
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by gzhunk (44 days ago)
Let me tell you that NO MAN WILL GO OUT HUNTING FOR OTHER WOMAN IF HE GET'S EVERYTHING AT HOME. Live up to his expectation. Try out new things, find time for each other. Share your concerns and worries. Give an ear to his issues as well. Spice up your life. Kill the devil of suspicion from within you. Seek professional councelling if required. Forget the past, live in present and think of future after all you have 4 kids to be raised.
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by jobin (44 days ago)
Agree. If all is good, no one migrates. Something not good in your house but only you can find it.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by esoteric (44 days ago)
Wow it's her fault? Really?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by mercury_element (44 days ago)
I dont agree, men by nature, go to other women even if they are getting everything at home. The OP s not at fault.
>> saddy, try to give him another chance, if possible, is all I can say. what you are doing (getting jealous etc) is not wrong, its bound to happen when your trust is broken.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by tigerbay (44 days ago)
Mercury,
I agree with your point that a man may cheat, even if he is getting everything at home.
I cannot agree with your use of the term 'men by nature'. That implies that ALL MEN WILL cheat. Not all men will cheat. In fact I am pretty sure that most won't.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by saddy2 (44 days ago)
how can i get him out of my mind?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by tigerbay (43 days ago)
Saddy
You can't get him out of your mind.
What you do need to do is find a coping strategy. Try looking on line for advice about coping with jealousy, and any damage this has done to your self esteem. As has been said, getting jealous is not wrong and is unerstandable, but it is very damaging.
If you cannot control your jealousy it will eat away at you and further harm your marriage.
You need to try and get passed this thing, it is how you handle things now that is important. Try not to turn into a nag, a cyber stalker, or your husband's jailer.
There is no easy answer.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by My Hong Kong (43 days ago)
Saddy2...go to therapy, please, and quickly. That's the only chance you have to save your marriage. Posting on this board will not help you. It's helpful for mild problems and for general discussions. You and your husband need a mediator who will learn first the issues in you marriage and then guide you what to do.
As for the immediate issue of having many people coming to Hong Kong, the best would be if you could join them for dinner one evening. Once you are introduced to these people you would feel much calmer.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by hoyo (43 days ago)
pay a professional to help you, it's good that you know you're a very very jealous person, now you need to cure it! (to be jealous is quite normal but to be very very jealous is a sickness and should be treated)
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (42 days ago)
GZHunk. You are wrong. If men are getting everything at home and there is the opportunity to get it elsewhere without any trouble being caused, they will - more often than not - go for it. Saddy2, I don't think therapy is going to help. It's your husband's behaviour which is wrong but he isn't going to change in this part of the world is he? If you have a large family I don't think divorce is a good idea so your position is really very awkward. You can take some comfort from the fact that he always comes back to you (if you can find comfort there) and that the women he is seeing (assuming he is cheating) are basically going no where. I know this is hard, and most feminists will roast me for this, but the stiff-upper lip and a sophisticated, relaxed attitude could turn the tables in your favour. Whatever you do, don't become crazed and jealous. It will make you look deranged and unreasonable even though you are the injured party. Try to get some strenuous exercise (the dopamines will help you relax) and treat yourself. For the record, I'm a guy. Having said that. Prepare for the worst and make sure you are in a financially strong position.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by My Hong Kong (42 days ago)
It's hard to relax after a spouse has been cheating on you. It's a good advice in theory, but that's not how feelings work.
This has nothing to do with being a feminist LGMV. Absolutely none. Would you like to be with a woman who is sleeping with another man? Ok, maybe you wouldn't mind, but let me tell you...most men will not like that at all. I wanted to meet an ex-boyfriend for lunch...as friends...and you had to see what a scene my current boyfriend did. No, he is not the jealous type, but he doesn't want me to be near an ex-boyfriend and he is right. I wouldn't like him to meet an ex-girlfriend either.
Anyway, to Saddy...another option for you is to leave Hong Kong. I doubt you will be able to relax as long as you live at this part of the world.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by saddy2 (42 days ago)
thanks a lotfor your replies, i tried therapy in the past but didnt help much. you are right Loyd( he always come back to me) we spend holidays toghether and some times he invite me to join him in his business trip. i feel that he still love me but my jealousy is ruining my life. many times i told him i wish i ve maried old ugly man ( he is very hundsome looks younger than me have very good position in his job,often ladys compliment him in front of me. i avoid going with him to the restaurant or shoping, i m always afraid of other ladfys judgement. by the way i m young good looking lady.i just dont see it any more. i m just jealouse disperatly jealouse and dont know how to control this bad feeling.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (41 days ago)
Saddy2. It's natural I'm afraid - to protect what is yours. Unfortunately, it's also natural for women to throw themselves at attractive successful men. It's even more natural for a man to sleep with lots of women. Unless you have a brother in the mafia who will threaten your husband with public castration in Statue Square, I can't see a solution. Make sure these women can't do any financial damage to you; look after your family and try to rise above it if you can. I still think strenuous exercise will help you relax.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by My Hong Kong (41 days ago)
A woman can leave a man that makes her feel unhappy. It's not easy, especially not with 4 children, but it's an option.
There is the option of moving out of the Far East. Your husband might cheat in other places too, but the change of environment could make you feel more relaxed. It will represent a new start in life.
You can also retaliate and cheat in return. Lots of women do it. It balances the equation and it will improve your currently low self esteem.
And last, you can take the above advise and accept it that men cheat and there is nothing you can do about it.
If I was in your shoes and really couldn't leave my husband (why can't you?)...I would opt for option 2 or 3. Option 4 is hard for the heart.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by sicn (40 days ago)
Saddy2,
Lot of times, people go off-rail because they are influenced . I think part of your jealousy is from the insurity you feel from the environment. A saying: it is easier to change yourself than the world around you.
A few tricks can instantly light up your day:
excercise, meaningful endeavor like reading good books, learning new skills, volunteering...
Best way I think is to have a real job. It maybe hard since the kids. Hiring nannies may help since staying home all the time and separating from the real world could further lowering your self-esteem..
And last, just be happy. Yes, you can just be however you want to feel. It is really just as simple as a decision.
(I am based in Singapore)
Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (40 days ago)
Saddy2. Don't make any rash decisions. A lot of people have suffered from jealousy - including myself - and it is one of the worst feelings. See if it wears off after a couple of months.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by portanier (36 days ago)
"fear and loathing"
Saddy I feel for you but speaking as a man,I suggest you prepare for a long hard time if you are thinking that by persuasion you will entice your man back.
Man are by instinct hunters,if the prey is too easilly available , they search else where,ofcourse he can justify your jealously by suggesting that is what drives him away.
You can justify because you know he plays and you have reason.
I hate to write this so directly to you and I hope you see it for what it is,not a critisism of you but the unsustainable position that you've placed yourself in.
Turn back the clock and ask this;were you jealous when you first met him, if the answer is yes then I respectfully suggest you look within yoursefl for the insecurities that lurk there.
And therapy will help.
Try to remeber what it is that he found attractive in you;if the answer is availibility then sit your self down and take in these facts.
Men,even those happy at home will play if they are given the ball and after a longish marraige and children,he is at the playing stage.
Its that old conundrum,"age bites you in the arse when you're not looking" and sadly at about 40 it bites all of us but especially severely when you're a man,its called ego.
Loosing hair,maybe getting a little fatter in the middle.
Here is my suggestion..........make every effort that you can to substitute your jelousy for anything physical.
When you start t roaming and checking his phone or his pocket,kill the urge by skipping,baking do what ever you want but something like and alcholic;jealousy is one day at a time" a very hard sickness to overcome.
So you need to make it a habit to become physical each time you have the "jealousy urge"soon it will become habit and the jealousy will fade.
From now,when you feel jealous do not ponder on it,walk or even run if you can do anything that will confirm for him that you are controlling his life,for that is what jealousy is............you are controlling him.
As a man there is nothing more attractive than a woman who is in charge of herself and not trying to be in charge of others.
sorry for my directness but I hope it helps.
lee du ploy( hong kong)
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by saddy2 (36 days ago)
thanks to all of you for your replies. i m trying to control my jealousy not easy! next week i will be travling with him and the kids for one week holiday, but i m so affraid to ruine this holiday. it s hapen in the past because because i keep reminding him when he cheat on me and we start arguing and fighting.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by bananabender (36 days ago)
I like My Hong Kong's advice. Your husband is a good looking guy, so he gets a lot of attention... Okay, some think he can't help it... born gorgeous... but yes, he can. He accepts and thrives on it by the sounds of things, and the outcome is it is making you feel more and more inadequate.
The truth probably is that he feels very secure in this situation because you are less attractive. He knows the attraction of a good looking person, and has deliberately married someone who is not so gorgeous (sorry, but you said it yourself). There's method in his madness. As someone who has constantly been the centre of attraction, he knows that it is unwise to marry a good-looking doll who may run off and leave him, and it also is 'money in the bank' that someone less attractive is more likely to stay with a good-looking person even if they cheat, out of feeling grateful that at the end of the day, he sstill chooses her.
So his attractiveness is sort of like a licence that only he has to go out and allure women, and then claim he can't help it.
Truth is.... he probably really needs you, because he is so insecure and knows that he must have someone there in the end, but it is making you unhappy. Years ago, there was a Trinny Lopez song... "If you want to stay happy for the rest of your life.. don't make a pretty woman your wife...." the idea here was it is about happiness, and what is making you comfortable. His attractiveness may have seemed great at first, but now it is a curse for you. It is making you unhappy. Either you get rid of him, or you decise to accept the fact that he really is using you as his insurance policy, and just ignore it as a vain need to feel loved....
The problem is at the end of the day, you need to feel secure and happy, and this man is depriving you of that. If it were me, I'd go for what made me happy.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by saddy2 (36 days ago)
let me explain something. i met my husband when i was 16 years old he was 18 we get married 4 years later. we ve been together for 20 years now. first time he cheat on me was 5 years ago i was 6 month pregnant with my 4th baby when i found about it and it happen during his 15 days business trip to china( we use to live in europe then). i was shocked then because for all this year i use to trust him 100%. i asked for explanation ( i can understand if she was a sexy beautiful Chinese lady but she wasn’t sincerely she is ugly, divorced with 8 years daughter) he said to me she was suit good listening without arguing..) he was really in love with her . i decided not to leave him. It took him few month to forget about her. but my life with him has beenchanged since then. one years later we moved to hk i start being jealous of every single Chinese women . he kept telling me that i m the only women he want to spent the rest of his life with that he loves me. i start being jealous of his assistant he have to travel with her sometimes for business i asked him to fire her because i dont like her( even i know is not her the problem it can be any women I will feel jealous of her) few month ago i find out that he have a relation with this assistant some emails where he write to here that he loves her and....to make it short he said that it was my fault because every day i use to questioning him about her and it was me that push him to her. i confronted her i even threatened her asked her to resign asked him to fire her .but until now she is still working for him they are now in business trip to shanghai and i call every 5mn to check on him.
so this is the situation.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by bananabender (36 days ago)
I think this problem is too complicated for a website... you need to speak to someone professionally face to face who can ask you all the right questions... there too many gaps here still... Calling every 5 mins is clearly not helping. Put the phone down and go shopping, to the gym.... anywhere... Get some professional counselling advice. None of you can keep living like this.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (35 days ago)
Saddy2, I'd be very wary of people offering 'professional' help and 'therapy' for something which they claim is complicated but is in fact a straight-forward marital problem. Does this so called 'therapy' and 'professional advice' involve cash payments? How can you offer 'professional' advice? Do we have 'professional' husbands and wives, for exapmple? You are obviously in a difficult situation and very upset but thousands of men and women are in the same situation world-wide. As a man, I can only say it's best not to bring the subject up. He knows you're upset but if you keep reminding him, you will drive him nuts. In all honesty, he probably doesn't want to be unfaithful (ie if he could eat a biscuit to make him faithful, he probably would).
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by My Hong Kong (35 days ago)
Saddy 2, as a woman I would say that it's very hard to be happy with a man, once you know he has cheated on you. Therefore, you make a choice...live with him or leave him. Both options are not easy, but that's life.
If you leave, you have a chance of finding a new man who is more protective of your feelings. If you stay, it's probably good for finances and you don't need to face the unknown. The price is becoming a person who has a low self esteem and who is not so happy.
Indeed lots of people all around the globe have a similar problem. Each one goes in a different way about it. It's a personal choice.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by SunnySideUp (33 days ago)
Hi Saddy, it seems like you have made your choice to forgive him and stay with him. So I will not say anything regarding what I would do if my husband cheated on me and focus only on how to help you get rid of the green-eyed monster.
It seems to me that you need to work on your general insecurities. Seems to me that if you are more confident about yourself as a person, you would not always worry about him cheating on you. So are there things you can do to increase your self esteem? Also, if you find other more productive things to ocupy your time, you won't have so much time to obsess over what he is doing with his life. You need to be also productive in your own life right? Like getting more involved with your kids, your job, a charity project etc... seems like you have lots of energy (reading through his emails checking on him etc), so why not direct that energy towards good use?
It must be horrible living with someone who has once betrayed your trust. But if you have already made the decision to give it another go, then stick to that decision and really give him a second chance. If you really can't forgive and forget, then be honest with yourself and end this madness before it destroys any more of your sanity.
Good luck!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by My Hong Kong (32 days ago)
Right now the husband is with the assistant in a business trip. He cheated on saddy2 with this assistant and apparently even wrote love letters to her. In all honesty, there is no way for saddy2 to feel calm. The least her husband should have done was firing the assistant, but he didn't. It's an insane situation really. Saddy2 can exercise from dawn to night and it won't help. The first step is to get rid of the assistant!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by littleponyo (24 days ago)
you afraid you leave him that will break the family, so you still tolerate his cheating?
why the man do not afraid his cheating will break the family?
plan your finance wisely and leave him....if your husband thinks that you CANNOT leave him, why should he stop cheating??
I do not agree when you have everything at home, man will not hunt for girls elsewhere...
it is becos after 16 years marriage, something a wife CANNOT give is "fresh and new feeling"....what whats left is a man should have LOVE for the wife and family.
obviously he is not aware of this....
discuss with him calmly, you need respect and loyalty.....if he continue keeping his assistant. please walk away and dun let him step on your face. if he cares about the unity of the family, he should rethink.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Mary J (24 days ago)
Seems like you and your husband already lost the basic foundation in a relationship: trust, respect, caring... you just keep hurting each other, both of you dont bring out the good things for each other any more, only the bad things.
It already comes to the point where you have to make a decision.
You can stay with each other for the reasons you think it's important, but have to find a way to put all the past behind, start fresh.
You can leave him, be alone or be with another man that's more suitable, start a new life.
Both decision are hard to make, so take as much time as you need, dont think that you are wasting your time, just keep in mind that you have to make this decision, the answer will be soon or later appear on the surface, you will know it in your heart.
Dont worry about the kids, if you only stay with your husband for the sake of your kids, it's not love, it's something you are afraid to take responsibility for. Kids are very sensitive, they can feel the battle between you and your husband, it doesn't matter how hard you try to pretend. That's bad for them.
Dont worry about the future if that make you not able to make the right decision for the present. Trust life, the unfolding part is the most interesting, things will come along.
Take good care
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (21 days ago)
Saddy2, Littleponyo is completely wrong. Men will always chase girls no matter what the home situation is like. Also, to say the husband has no love for the wife and kids even though he chases other girls is completely wrong. It may not suit our moral code but that's just the way it is.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by veebabe (20 days ago)
SEEK COUNSELLING NOW and HELP YOURSELF, please. Because you are not only destroying urself, but also your marriage! One day, he will just give up on you. Acknowledge there is something wrong and seek help. As for his cheating... some man do just stop knowing that they have hurt the person they love.
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (19 days ago)
Veebabe. How on earth is counselling going to help. She will just lose money and he will carry on as usual. The husband will eventually stop when he's had enough or she will leave.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by gzwife (19 days ago)
Hello Saddy2. I feel for you as I have been though it all.
You have to make a hard decision becuase you will be considering your children and financial situation while doing this- it is worth it to stay as you are now or take a chance and do something about it. Be prepared that if you do, it may end up in a divorce.
My husband also cheated on me and I cannot find it in myself to trust him even though we are going marriage conseling. I cannot tell the difference when he is lying or telling the truth
If my husband was going on a trip with the secretary, I would either go with him or send a surveillance team to see what he is doing. With this in mind, you need to be prepared to make a decision when you get the evidence.
A present of a jail broken iphone to your husband with an iphone spyware program installed in it will enable you to check his phone calls, sms messages and activities in real time......... This program runs in the background so that the owner of the phone has no idea. Install this before you present this gift to him.
If the cheating is all that you can take, use the evidence in court to get as much as you can as you will need this to look after 4 kids. Make sure this money can pay for help as you will be doing this all alone.
Take evidence of all bank accounts, property, stocks etc that your husband has becuase you will need this in court to get half. It is possible he will not declare all his assets so that he wont have to share it. If it is that your husband can spend money on other women, he has a lot more income that what he is letting you know
Good luck and put it in the hands of God and He will deliver justice to you.
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela (18 days ago)
Gzwife. Try to be less angry. Men are hard-wired to sleep around; it's not pleasant but it is 100% natural. You're doing the right thing by taking up sport, looking after yourself and making yourself pretty. This will worry him. If you really want to annoy him, you can play the sophisticate. If comes home late (even if you don't suspect anything); you can greet him - immaculately dressed and with a smile - and say, "So... How was she?" From experience, this is really annoying.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by gzwife (18 days ago)
Loyd, thanks. I cannot help the anger. Its so disgusting what men do. Agree that they are instinctually prone to sleep around but being with one person is a mature decision that any man can make.
The men who dont cheat on their wives are the ones who make it a priority to stay away from trouble i.e dont go out with only male friends to karoke or massage because for sure you know you are going to get something there. Include your wife in some of your business dinners if you can and to be open and honest with her so you have no room to get into a situation that you cannot get out of.
Unfortunately it is the fact that men know that you are home waiting for him to feed him and take care of him after he has his jollies elsewhere keeps him safe and courageous to do these things. My husband was so sure that I would never cheat on him or that anyone would want me because I was always home like his little puppy.
I am independent now. I go out a lot more by myself and my friends. I have my own life and hobbies. I do not tell my husband where I am going and what I am doing. I don't call home when I am out. If he goes out late with his friends and do not tell me where he is, then damn it if I am home waiting for him to return. That kills him and shocked the heck out of him. And dont ever tell him where you went or who you are with.
My husband tracks me down now. I take care of myself now so he freaks when men look at me and he get jealous. My husband wants me because he cannot have me or control me. Its all reverse psychology.
Men want the fun of the relationship and to be honest, I was not fun anymore. This however, is no excuse to cheat and hurt the person you say you love. Try to remove the stress out of the relationsip and develop that quiet strength within yourself. He will know that his days of taking advantage of you are being outnumbered
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by My Hong Kong (18 days ago)
Hello gzwife! My question is...is your relationship better now? Are you happier? Is there closeness and intimacy between your husband and you or has your relationship turned into a battle between the sexes?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by gzwife (18 days ago)
My husband is really trying and is home on time and is going conseling with me.
We are talking more on an intimate level because of the conseling. I still have anger issues. I still cannot trust him after all that he did. It is a lot to take in.
My husband is trying becuase he is afraid to loose me. I am more independant and will not stand for his crap so he now has to pull up his socks. Unfortunately, that is how the cookie crumbles.
For me, I still dont know if I will stay in the marriage but I am trying to see where it will lead me. My mind was already made up to walk out the door
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by Maddiee (6 days ago)
to be honest, gzwife, it doesn't seem like you're doing much to fix ur marriage.
Any type of relationship is built on trust and communication; from your previous post, it doesn't seem like there is either of that.
I've been cheated on myself. I have that jealousy bone in me and it is more sensitive than ever after what has happened. Rather than always being paranoid and losing complete trust in him, why can't you try to put the past a side and try to build up that trust again. It might not be the same as it was before, but it's another phase of growing.
People are more than their mistakes.
Maybe the saying is true, "once a cheater, always a cheater". But if you don't communicate and try to understand what is going on and the reason behind the cheating, then how are you supposed to grow?
After what has happened to me, I've never been hurt so badly, never had my heart broken into so many pieces but I've come out of it feeling like I'm a bit stronger cause nothing can hurt me as much as i've been hurt already. But if you don't pick yourself back up from it and learn from you, you'll always have it haunting you.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still very paranoid and when he is away, those "what if's" and those same thoughts and emotions flow right back into my mind. Instead of appearing as the crazy, paranoid, jealous gf, I tell him. These are the emotions and thoughts that go through my mind, and you can't just brush them off because these are real emotions, real feelings and thoughts. If he brushes them off, that means he doesn't care about what you're feeling, and building up that trust and companionship is going to be pretty much impossible.
As cheesy as it might sound, communication is key. Is it really necessary to have a real time call/sms tracker on his phone?? you might as well have a leash on him.
If he's agreed to work on the relationship with you, have him reassure you.
Even though it might feel as though, if the relationship was to work, it shouldn't take effort, but that's only what we're made to believe through fairy tales. You make a relationship work. Not everything comes that easy. You're supposed to grow together and achieve goals together.
Therapy could guide you through this difficult time but the buttom line is to have both of you working on it even when you're not in therapy. If you choose to stay in this relationship, think about the many bumps in the road that u'll have to face together, it might not be a problem in your relationship, but what about issues with raising your children? To get you through these bumps you'll have to work together and communicate.
Learn to love each other again. But if your jealous really takes over you, maybe it's time to let go and learn to love yourself again.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by evianjune (2 days ago)
op, in my opinion, given what has happened, and if he really is considerate of your feelings and understands what you are going through ie suspecting and jealousy and so, he should have found a way to ease that, such as phone calls at night to you to assure you that he's being good; give you his hotel number for you to call; .. that is on trips. and back home, leave the cellphone audible so when calls or texts come in and he'll deal with them openly if you are in the presence.. and so on.
that for the while, till things get better between you two..
if he cares enough, he knows what to do, being mad NOT being one of them.. honestly, if he really wants things to work between you two..
(I am based in Beijing)
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