Your Objective Opinions Please... Marriage Problems

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Posted by clandestine (42 days ago)

Hi people,

A lost soul here really needing people's objective advice... I will try to describe the problem as objectively as possible and please tell me what you guys think. Thanks!

I'm married, working alone in HK. I met my hubby when I was fresh out of university. He was a great guy and we got along well from the start. He is 8 years older than me and he was divorced before. But I was OK with that. We started dating etc and then after 2 years we got married.

There were some differences between us from the start I guess. He stopped studying after high school and started work since and never changed job. Me, I am a university grad, CPA and taking CFA. I like to read, discuss politics and debate, etc and I like new challenges (hence relocated to HK for career) while he just wants a simple life back home and raise some kids.

When we were dating, we enjoyed the same activities like scuba diving, hiking, roller blading and all the outdoor stuff... we are adventurous in that sense, but I guess I must have neglected the intellectual part of the game... and then after 2 years we got married. For the 1st year we were absorbed in wedding plans and house hunting and house renovation, so I guess no major problems arose.

After everything was done however, I really felt that I can't stay my entire life in the same house and same country and have kids etc... I am still young (below 30) and I want to see more of the world etc... but he (I guess he is late 30s so older view) was not keen... he doesn't understand my dreams and plans in life. When we were still courting I mentioned these things to him and he agreed but then we never really made concrete plans so I guess he must have thought that it was all just talk.

Anyway right now... bit by bit it seems that my feelings for him have all but gone... but he can't undestand "what's wrong with me"...

He sort of wants to work it out, but I am so afraid that I will "give in" and agree to work it out out of guilt and a sense of duty, but after a while I will be back to square one again and waste his time and effort. Cuz I really don't know if I can spend the rest of my life "dragging" him along through life with all my plans and activities that I know he doesn't really share and want.

Sometimes I feel that he might be better off with a simple girl who can stay with him and bear him some kids. Am I wrong or right to think that way?

Please advise? Have I said enough or need more details to give a proper opinion? Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by clandestine (40 days ago)

Hi Iwilltry,

Yes we have serious communication problems. Dating for 2 years, looking back I can tell that it was very activity based. Travelling and diving etc, then preparing for wedding and hosue. I don't think both of us have ever communicated at a deep level that we felt we are soulmates or anything like that. But for the 2 years, we had very enjoyable companionship sort of dating.

I guess the difficulties started when we got house and car etc... then the realities kicked in and we realised we can't really communicate much, maybe I would just take his decision as good or vice versa (perhaps because the problems were not big enough to merit a HUGE discussion), but I CANNOT recall any time when we ever sat down and discussed things soul to soul.

For example when I discussed my dreams with him when we were dating, he said right, it sounded good... so I naively assumed that he would go along with it... its only now that I realised he really thought I was just talking about it for conversation's sake and not something that I would go very far to fulfill.

>> He is divorced and I assume more mature than you that is why he's out for a simple life so he doesnt go through the same pain and suffering from his divorce earlier.

Yes, I agree with you on that point.

>> You want a career so you are going to leave ur husband who may love you but just want a simple life by not moving around....I do not see an issue that big that you loose your love for him.

the reason why I lose my love for him - I think for the past 1 year I have been living my life alone. When I studied for CPA, he felt that I was wasting time and money... he felt that, since we have a house and car, why am i making myself suffer by taking up more education? so i just struggled alone because I realised he can't understand why I am doing these stuff. Going to HK to work - one of my dreams is to work and live overseas. He didn't understand the dreams I have. So I worked on my career alone, planned everything alone, arranged the shipments and found a place - all by myself. Do I need him at all? I have learnt to carry on dreaming by myself since he does not share my dreams. I think that is the reason why I felt that I lost my love for him.

>>Bear in mind a few things;
1) there are many career oriented men here who may work just harder than you but have extra marital affairs leading you to square one in any case...not forgetthing the pain from the betrayal.
2) There can be men who are career oriented and so needs to travel and experience other things and leaving you no time. Again you'll be at your own corner crying alone....
3) There can be career oriented men who can be very possessive about where you go and whom you meet...whether that you call it a freedom.

talking about other men, honestly I am not thinking about getting another relationship anytime soon. i feel that its too tough. If i leave my hubby, I don't hope that i will be able to find a better, higher earning man etc. I think I will be prepared to be alone for a long time. not really interested in looking elsewhere. so i am not trying to find a better man but i just wonder what to do with my hubby.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by clandestine (36 days ago)

hi everyone

thanks for all your helpful comments and advice.

some people have asked me why i married him in the first place - it was definitely NOT because of the passport. well he was the first guy i met when i was fresh out of university and in a way i looked up to him because he knew stuff about the working world etc and he was already good at all the sports that i always wanted to learn but cannot afford (as I was still in school)... and he was extremely good to me. no reason to quarrel or argue (which actually in retrospect would have been one way to find out more abotu each other) or have deep debates/discussions because there was simply no situation that required it.

i must say that at that time, both my parents and grandparents were not sure if he was the right guy because of the difference in age/education level, that he was too simple/contented for my personality. but they could see that he was a very thoughtful, helpful and good person so they thought that i chose him because of that. and after i have discussed this problem with my close friends they did say the same thing but of course most of them did not dare to comment too strongly for fear that they might destroy a potentially happy marriage.

so i think that i can safely say that perhaps it is true that i made a mistake in marrying him in terms of compatilbility.

the mitigating factor is that he is really a good guy. i know that he is simple and contented. he cannot understand why the hell i want to do so many things in life... why can't i just be happy in his company and raise a family.

perhaps the real question is - can i live with it? i am really scared that i will say that i'll work on the relationship right now, because i don't want to hurt him further, but later on when i am in my thirties i find myself miserable and "held back" and then i finally decide to leave... will that be worse? i.e. i don't trust myself right now to make a commitment to him that i will stay and make it work no matter what happens in the future.

some of you have said that forget the "dreams", this is the realiy. I don't really agree with that, because you have dreams thats why you have the energy and motivation to MAKE that dream happen. i mean for me it was my dream to work and live overseas and i have done that. (at the expense of my marriage, to be sure). i still want to get my further education, live in other countires, perhaps try and start my own business... i think i can accept that not every dream can be fulfilled, and some might fail, but i like to be the sort of person who can say "at least I tried".

do i need him? right now, i admit that i feel lonely working alone overseas and i do feel a tinge of loneliness when i see families and couples. not to mention not much friends here in HK. but when i have problems, feel depressed about something, i am sorry to say that my hubby is not the one whom i would call and talk about it - it's my girlfriends.

lonely i am, but i know that i don't miss him much. maybe once in a while. however, i worry very much about HIM missing me. it is a strange one.

i have older girlfriends in their thirties... they did say to me... that i will regret it in future, when i am older and i want to settle down and i cannot find a good man...

is that words of wisdom, or words of fear of the unknown?

i really dont know.

any more input from anyone?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bowong_2006 (29 days ago)

Clandestine,
I perceive that you are a tipical finanical person - very logical, analytical, and good at collecting facts objectively in a large sense - so claimed. But there might be some reason-behind you have ingored or missed out -
- You have larger dreams than your hubby which you mentioned to work overseas and to experience more. I sense your dream is really BIG.
First the biggest is to go overseas so that you can experience more in life.
Second is about yourself to achieve more in your career.
Third is you want a partner who is capable of everything from outdoor activities to material needs to spiritual communications.

If the marriage was happened in an innocent and naive stage of your life, that's understandable though people would think it's silly. But I don't see right now you have figured out what exactly you want in your life either personal experience wise or professional career wise. As I am in your professional sector, moving around a lot is not neccessarily a good progression. Most employers love stable and steady people with tractable achievement. If you want it both, you can gain life experience through a good employer who can provide you overseas relocation work experience without sacrafice of your marriage (I guess this is what on your mind; I am talking in a large sense, not only to your current one). If you still want to give it a shot, this is the first thing you need to know.

But just as you are doubting your decision to marry this guy 2y ago, you are suspecting the final decision to seperate with him. What you are talking about is all about YOU - your dreams, your needs, your satisfactions; and about HE-CAN'T - he can't take you overseas, he can't discuss deep thoughts, he can't leave his current job, he can't make enough money, he can't understand you...

So now let's talk about him.
Have you thought about that he might actually know what you want but just out of his capability? Since he comes from a different background, he was intimidated in the first place - you have a better family background, you have a higher edu. you have wider interest, you are more aggressive... and now you are earning more than him.
And since we questioned why you married this guy, we should also question why this guy would marry you burried in mind all the intimidations? Learnt from his first marriage, he was supposed to be wiser to choose the next partner and adjust to a more suitable couple modle (if not the case, then let's just say he is a fool). He tried hard to work it out and might still be trying. I believe the conflict and afflication is no less than yours. It doesn't seem he doesn't love you but he knows he can't keep you and doesn't have the right to set a bar in your career (for him, due to his edu. and current crisis, this stable job is the best solution to feed him and the family, he has no better competition in the local market let alone overseas). He hasn't opened the mouth to bring the seperation to the table, because he doesn't want to be inprinted a 2ed divorce loser besides the illusion to win you back.
The last question is - how do you define a good husband? Do you need a husband to be a soulmate, a lover, a sex partner as well as a daddy, a son, an ATM...? I know what can be good to lead a succesful career as a finance person, but that doesn't have to crash with marriage life. I see a lot of finance women have a successful career with hectic work while still manage a successful marriage, with kids.

(I am based in Shanghai)

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