Boyfriend complains I'm fat!

Posted by tired (16 days ago)

My new boyfriend complains I'm gaining weight. I am 5 feet 4 inches, 100 pounds and have a 25 inch waistline. I do have a bit of a belly jelly tough from working at the computer all day. I will try to do some sit-ups but not easy since I hurt my back last year. It hurts my self-esteem. He will make me feel guilty when I've had a stressful day and want to order some ice cream. I also lack self-confidence and don't want to take off my clothes and sleep with him anymore. Should I dump him? Other than the weight issue, he is a good bf, attentive, funny and spends time with me.

(I am based in Other)

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Posted by Wiz Bang (16 days ago)

be beautiful, lose weight... and do it only because you want to do it for yourself and not for anyone else.

so yes, definitely dump your bf right away.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tutorjoanna (16 days ago)

Wait a minute. 5 foot 4 inches, 100 pounds and a 25 inch waist is hardly fat! This is insane. If that is what he considers as fat, don't listen to him!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by littlekitten (16 days ago)

agree with wiz bang and tutorjoanna,

if you want to keep fit, just for yourself, not for others
5 ft 4 inches 100 lbs, not fat.

a woman is attractive, it mainly depends on her charater.
tell him take it or leave it. once my bf frd complain about my fashion senses. ask me to wear particular clothes. I never follow his advice and I proud of myself. later on he told me that my attitude seduce him. he loves more more.

if a man said he loves RED lipstick then a woman put on heavy RED lipticks. If a man like blonde and the woman immediately dyed her hair to the color. What do you think? a man will think you have no challenge to his mind. He finally dump you cos you are demeaning yourself.

be yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (16 days ago)

You need to become happy with your own body, and sod what some guy says.

A word of warning.
Even though it is possible for a person to be very underweight, they could still be carrying a lot of fat.

When this happens it is often a result of crash diets, where the body consumes lean muscle. If weight is lost very quickly 25% of the weight loss can be lean muscle.

I see lots of really skinny, weak girls, with very poor body shape and posture. Mostly in the big cities. Possbily the result of watching the scales and living on a banana a day. I also see many strong looking girls, carrying maybe 20 pounds more, who are much more attractive. And I would also guess a lot healthier and happier.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by cara (16 days ago)

i was going to also say that you sound underweight.... A LOT...

a boyfriend/husband is only good if:
(1) they love you no matter what (what is going to happen if you stay with this idiot and have a baby???? what will he say then???)
(2) provides love and support for you
(3) is your "safe place" to crash. he's supposed to be your strength when you feel weak; your happiness when you feel sad; your confidante when you feel afraid; your nurse when you feel sick; your energy when you feel drained; your listener when you need to talk; your "feel good factor" when you feel ugly;.....

if he doesn't make you feel this way, dump him... you are wasting your time he's never going to change and you are never going to feel "good enough" for him.

if this is how he makes you feel, imagine what kind of father he would be?
even if you don't want kids, when you date someone, imagine if you would like him to be the father of your children.... if the answer is "no" get out and stop wasting your time, he's not the kind of guy you need or want.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sapphire (15 days ago)

5ft 4 inches and 100lbs = UNDERWEIGHT!! The 'normal' weight range for a woman of your height should be between 119lbs - 148lbs depending on frame size. So, whatever your frame size, you are undeweight. Tell him he can either accept you the way you are, or he can sod off!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fatkid (15 days ago)

I dunno how you came up with the ideal weight being 119 - 148... if I woman is 148 lbs and 5'4" she wud be a bit fat bxxch. Seriously. The BMI measure you used of 20-25 is for caucasian men!
100 lbs = 45.35 kg

5'4" = 64 inches = 162.5cm
Height Squared in metres = 2.64 m sqr

BMI = 17.2

That's a bit underweight

Body Mass Index (BMI) can be used to indicate if you are overweight, obese, underweight or normal. It will, however, overestimate fatness in people who are muscular or atheletic. Because of these problems, this body mass index calculator shows extra statistics to help you be informed and judge your own body compared to others of the same height and age. Also offered are average weight and height charts and Body Mass Index charts, which show data you just can't find anywhere else.

Women tend to believe they look their best at values between 20 to 22 and men are usually satisfied with a BMI of 23 to 25. If your BMI is between 17 to 22, your life expectancy is longer than average. You don't need to lose weight.

If your BMI is between 23 and 25, you are not considered overweight by most people. But if your BMI is 26 or more, that's not good. But you knew that already.

"The range for acceptable, normal, or optimum body-mass index (BMI) for Asian populations should be narrowed to 18.5-23 kg/m2, according to a WHO expert consultation on appropriate BMI for these populations that took place on July 8-11 in Singapore".

148lbs gives 25.4 so unless ur build is like really muscular, I would say that would be VERY fat for a woman. I think rather than weight per se, is more important to look at measures and proportions and also body fat percentage. Like say 2 different men cud weigh 200 lbs, while both fat, the shorter one is more muscular, and the taller one has his weight coming from pure fat, I wud say the shorter one is healthier altho the shorter one wud definitely give a worse BMI. Therefore studying BMI itself is not a very meaningful measure. Given your waist only measures 25" I guess u r fine?

Description Women Men
Essential fat 10–12% 2–4%
Athletes 14–20% 6–13%
Fitness 21–24% 14–17%
Acceptable 25–31% 18–26%
Overweight 32-41% 27-37%
Obese 42%+ 38%+

Hope it helps :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cookie09 (15 days ago)

First off: You are not overweight. Your BMI is 17.2 which is at the low end of just still acceptable for the small framed Asian population. That means there also should be hardly any reason to lose weight.

I sense you do not have a weight but rather a muscle problem. Some sit ups might indeed do the trick.

On to your bf where there are two angles: One the one hand, i do think he needs to support you as you are. Especially when your change is hardly any significant change. So in your case, dump the guy because he seems to be very unsupportive. Your low self-esteem will also hardly only stem from the weight issue but have more to do with his general behavior. So agree to dump him.

On the other hand - and to many of the above posters - sometimes a gf/wife also needs to cut a bf some slack. The weight argument is a lose-lose situation for a guy. If he talks about, he is labeled a insensitive, shallow, external beauty focused idiot that supports the unrealistic weight ideals of the model world. If he doesn't talk about it and let's her grow until she becomes too fat and he feels so repelled by her that he must dump her, people blame him for not telling her the truth earlier.

My view is that if you go into a relationship, you do also make a implicit contract about your looks. If I am 75kg today and get married like that, i have a duty not to add 50% more weight tomorrow except with the permission of my wife. The same applies on her side, if she is 45kg today, some weight gain over time is of course acceptable but not without limit. (of course the measure shifts during pregnancy but should not stay there after pregnancy).

a very frank discussion before marriage to clarify expectations is of course helpful.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Darrenc2000 (15 days ago)

i just think he want you to dump him because it is obvious that he is making this up because you are not fat at all. So give him what he want and send me your picture i think you are the perfect size for me....

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by jonick (15 days ago)

DUMP HIM...a man who complains that you are 'fat' when you clearly aren't isn't worth your time at all...there will be other men other there who will appreciate you for who/what you are. What about him, how tall and heavy is he....maybe he's 'fat 'too....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (15 days ago)

cookie, although i agree with much of what you say (on here and other forums), i would just like to say that unless you have ever been pregnant, you will not understand the changes that take place in a woman's body. it is not always easy to lose the pregnancy weight. i know, i had two pregnancies in 2 years. for the last, i was in a wheelchair for 4 months (out of 8)... .two VERY difficult pregnancies. they wreaked havoc on my body. still today, almost 3 years after the last ones, it is extremely difficult for me to do any kind of exercise. even a day of strolling at ocean park gives me an agony at night where i can hardly get to the bathroom on my own. this is not an exaggeration.

so, please, drop unrealistic expectations. they do not hold true for everyone.

i KNOW i'm overweight. i've been trying to do something about it for the past 3 years without much luck. i'm lucky that i'm holding steady and not getting bigger.

i am so thankful for my loving, caring and supportive husband. he knows how hard this has been on me and is still there to "hold my hand".

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Wiz Bang (15 days ago)

My view is that if you go into a relationship, you do also make a implicit contract about your looks. If I am 75kg today and get married like that, i have a duty not to add 50% more weight tomorrow


DUTY? DUTY TO WHOM?
the only duty and obligation a person has regarding his or her looks is to him or herself

if one thinks that looking good and being an eye candy for the purpose of pleasing the partner then something is definitely wrong


we look good because it makes us feel good and we want to do it for ourselves.

me thinks that people who think that their partners has a duty and obligation to look good is in fact insecure about their looks and themselves. don't use your partners as an excuse to be pretty, lean and sexy on your behalf nor use it as a a cover up for your own flaws and imperfection

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cookie09 (15 days ago)

cara,

fully understand where you are coming from and it doesn't necessarily contradict what i was saying. I think any reasonable man will cut you some slack for at least putting in the effort. at least i would.

the issue of my post is really more aimed at people who let themselves go. i have seen couples in my social circle where either the guy or the girl suddenly completely let themselves go, added 50% body weight in no time and then expect that nothing changes in their partner's view of them. and worse, they then come up with statements like 'it's my body' which essentially are just feeble excuses for not putting in the effort (and again that of course excludes any medical causes).

but weight is just one aspect in a relationship. for example i have a duty to my partner to continue to be caring towards her, work on my career (in whatever form), not take drugs, etc.
i cannot suddenly stop working, become a couch potato, use the money the partner earns, get drunk every night, etc. that would be just selfish and similar to letting myself go. if i were to become like this, i could fully understand if my partner loses respect and interest in me and files for divorce.

so yes, wiz bang, when you do get married and 'become one', you have a duty to maintain your part of the 'one and put in some reasonable effort - which of course doesn't mean you need to look like a model for all your life

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Wiz Bang (15 days ago)

sorry cookie, but i find that a very sexist comment.

when one gets married, it is not to complete oneself rather a person is already a complete person and marrying will just complement each other.

the only duty is to look good for oneself and not for the benefit of the partner nor for the benefit for making the married couple or the marriage look good.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mayo (15 days ago)

I am 5'4" and fluctuate between 115 and 120. Many years and 3 pregnancys ago I was could maintain 100 pounds without trying and not so long during a traumatic period in life I found myself at 100 pounds again. My husbands says he thinks I look better at my my heavier weight. I think that it has something to do with him being a T&A man. I like my body better at 100 but my face looks better when I am carrying a bit more. However I can't maintain 100 pounds without a lot of sacrifice anymore. I like going out to eat with my family and friends, I like drinking wine with my husband. Point being I like my body better at 100 pounds but I like ME better at about 117. Choose the YOU you like not the weight you like.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by cookie09 (15 days ago)

well wiz bang, i really agree to disagree with you there ;)

by the way, my comment is really not meant to be sexist in the meaning of a male chauvinism. i apply the above mentioned principles equally across both sexes

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jobin (15 days ago)

Really, tired, i think this problem relates less to your body size and more to his mental situation. Strong men can see beyond the obvious and find a woman who supports the real needs of life, and vice versa. Some guys see women only as supporting the little boy ego. The little boy ego is highly dependent on how the competitve world judges the boy and certainly the woman on his arm speaks a lot for success, in the competitive world. Why on earth do the women spend so much time, money and energy on the outward appearance? To support the male ego! Does his treatment of you change when in public versus at home, on the phone, etc? When the world is looking at him with you, how does he react? when you can see that answer clearly you will know what to do.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by sistim (15 days ago)

If he 's a "new" boyfriend, presumably you can't be that much different from when you first met him, so what's his problem all of a sudden? Since you're not fat, DTMFA!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Ringo23 (15 days ago)

When I got married, I was 6ft 6", 200 lbs, blond haired, blue eyed, witty personality and financially secure and independent.
After I got married, I dropped several inches, gained 150 lbs, went bald and bleary eyed, started drinking and doing drugs, cursed my wife and her family, quit my work, spent all my cash and started sponging of the missus.

Shame I didn't have wizbang as my divorce lawyer...I might have avoided getting lumped with the kids...

To the OP - "Should I dump him?" Why are you asking us?
If you love him, work on it.
If you don't love him, why are you still there?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by p.mason (14 days ago)

just tell him him that he is deficient in a certain vital area - by at least one inch and that, when he can remedy that, you will lose weight.

That should deflate him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cowleyp (14 days ago)

Dump him, if he actually used the words "you are fat" he is at best ignorant and at worst just bloody rude and prepared to hurt others feelings without regard.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cyberience (14 days ago)

Its called the Stair master.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bargoban (14 days ago)

if anything, Chinese women here need to GAIN weight..2x4's all day..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (14 days ago)

lollipops.... stick figures with what looks like disproportionately large heads (because of the tiny figures)... i can see how, after being to n. america (where i feel positively normal), the asian figure could be alluring.... but i, too, think curves are nicer than total "thinness"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hk guy? (13 days ago)

jobin, the real needs of life absolutely include being with someone you are sexually attracted to. no way around that, and there shouldnt be.

fwiw it is clear the the OP is not fat at all and the BF sounds like a dick.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beancurd (13 days ago)

I think it is just a silly comment from bf. Even some hubby always make comment about it and just talking it for fun or joke. No need to be sensitive about it. Just make yourself pretty and you will feel good. Just bf silly comment and you are very worried! What is more if he is your hubby and commented worst than being fat?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (13 days ago)

Agree with beancurd, tat's wat i wanted to say. It cld be a joke but ur taking it too seriously. Anyways, u know him best.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by vh-eba (13 days ago)

If I were your bf, I would dump you right away. Not because you are fat (and you probably are), but because you would be so stupid to go on an internet forum and whine about it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ODS (13 days ago)

Don't bother to read all the replies, but let me tell you - 5 ft 4 100 lbs is SKINNY. I know a girl who is 5 feet 1 weight 105 and she looks slim with a body shape like how a woman should have. Local girls make themselves like chopstick and still think they are fat because of local guy prefer body of 9 years old. Just a paedophile IMO

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jn1121 (12 days ago)

I'm 28-years-old, 5ft 3, and weighs 53 kilos (about 116 pounds). My Mom (she's Chinese) constantly tells me I'm fat, and believes she's doing me a huge favour by bluntly saying that to my face. My solution? I just limit the time I spend with her. No point wasting time on toxic and insensitive people.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by funbobby (12 days ago)

what is with the negative comments about '2x4's and 'lollipops' (cara that seems to be a favorite putdown of yours)? They are just as hurtful to a thin person as 'tub o' lard' is to an overweight person...but I guess since they're directed at an anonymous general population rather than someone who posted here, it's all right...you may not realize it but many thin people WISH to be full figured, but can't keep the wieght on...they're not all bulemic and vain "thin is beautiful' types....(btw, OP, your weight seems fine to me)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (12 days ago)

"lollipop" is not a term i coined, it was actually coined, i believe to describe the actresses in hollywood (specifically those on ALLY MCBEAL). by the way... most people i know LOVE lollipops... sweet and tasty, no?

i realise that there are many very thin people that have just as difficult time putting on weight as others have taking it off.

however, it seems to me that MOST criticisms are left for those that are overweight and very little for those underweight.

a few years ago, the body shop wanted to post some advertisements in the MTR stations. they were of a cartoon-like overweight woman... there were HUNDREDS of complaints and the ads had to be removed... however, it is perfectly acceptable for a 1/2 clad thin person to be displayed.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sapphire (10 days ago)

fatkid - Just to clarify, the ideal weight ranges that I came up with were not plucked from the air, but were taken from a variety of sources ... healthchecksystems.com, weightlossresources.com, fuelthemind.com, netfit.co.uk, eatwell.gov.uk, etc.

They all provide similar ideal weight ranges for women depending on frame size i.e. small frame 114-127, medium frame 124-138, large frame 134-151, varying by only a few pounds.

According to the standard guidelines for BMI ... over 30 is considered obese, under 18, extremely underweight, and between 18.5 - 25 normal.

Granted, these ideal weight ranges are no doubt for caucasion women. And just because a one woman may weigh 20 or 30lbs heavier than another woman does not necessarily mean she is fat ... we all know that muscle weighs heavier than fat. So, we must not assume that a 5ft 4in woman weighing 148lbs is what you like to refer to them as.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by esoteric (9 days ago)

marry this perfectionist at your own peril

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beijingman (7 days ago)

If he doesn't want you, contact me then ! :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)