disappointing marriage but want kids

Advice needed. I have been married for 12 years, and the marriage hasn't been fulfilling. I haven't been feeling happy with my husband in my last 12 years. We didn't communicate a lot, because he always said that whatever I said was nonsense. He doesn't like listening to me. All that he does nowadays is watching TV and smokes at home after work and on weekends. And he also said these are the only things that make him relax and happy. We didn't go out for movies, or travel together a lot. We didn't even have much sex in the past 12 years. I honestly didn't really enjoy a life style like this. He is not interested in what I am interested in. He doesn't like to make friends, and has only one or two friends that he rarely see. He has a decent job, and so do I. I just feel that we are not right for each other, but because I like to have kids since I got married, but he tried to delay it until recently he knows that I can't wait anymore ( I am already 41), he agreed we can try to have babies. But not easy anymore. In the past 12 years, I always wanted to get a divorce, but always didn't get the courage to do so, because I am afraid to be lonely, and afraid that I will not be able to find Mr. Right for the rest of my life. In the last 3-4 years, I don't really have any feelings for him, as 2 years ago, he was planning to leave me for another woman(I think it was the woman who try to approach him first ), but I think he was convinced by her mother not to do so, so he is still with me. Tonight we fought again, and I was very angry, and I brought up the topic that he was not loyal 2 yrs ago because of that women, and he said "she's at least more caring than I am". This again hurts. I think i am a caring wife and he doesn't feel so. And I also feel the same about him (he is not a caring husband ). I regret and always said to myself why didn't I divorce him 2/4/8 years ago? Why am I still stuck with him who doesn't make me happy at all? I believe I dragged this on and on because of fear of loneliness, and fear of old age...and even if I find another new partner again, it will be too late/old for kids. I really love kids.


But when I think about it deeply, if we go on like this, even if we have kids in the near future, we will end up in divorce. But if I choose to divorce now, my dream of having kids will never come true, and I will probably regret in the future, especially when I see my friend's children, that the divorce decision was a wrong decision. It's a dilemma. I did think about adopting kids in the future, but this is still not the same as having my own kids.


We are both financially healthy, but I think both of us do not have much feeling about each other. He did say that he is now prepare to have kids only because of me. So I think he doesn't really want kids. Please advise me what I should do.

excuse me malka but that's not good advice. it's not even a dilemma since the answer is obvious:


get that divorce now and move on. you clearly can (financially, love, etc) but better do it now than never. if you really want a kid, don't burden the kid with your relationship, you will make the kid unhappy for your very selfish reason to have a kid.


get that divorce now, move on, stay positive. you can also consider having a kid yourself without any specific man

You should agree to a divorce, you can do IVF or something to have kids.

Please don't have a child with him. When you have a child, there are so many things that you need his agreement or at least saying on. If you two are already in this situation, what are you going to do when there is a little person who needs decisions to be made on behalf of him or her? It's not going to be fair on the baby and for your own sake. Once you have a child, it's not easy to get out of that relationship. Get out while you can.


I think you built up the courage for divorce, don't blame yourself. It's a lot of thinking to do and the fact that you didn't jump to it only means that you tried and tried and tried.


I know lots of ladies who opted for sperm donation, adoption, etc. yes, it's not easy to be a single mother but, just to highlight that there are other ways to have a child.

wow. in my opinion is that what if you have a child without a father, your kid will be lonely and that is not good for the child's growth and the kid with stay with friends more than family,

instead i think you should go and have a baby with your husband. both of you are kind are bored with your marriage life. having your own kid makes alot of changes.

because you will have a new target in life. and if your husband really love his kid , he will change. instead of choosing a no u turn life and try to make a further step and if you find no changes after that , than separate and you will have a your own kid too, no need to go to sperm bank. with your kid you will be busy for a new purpose.

don't listen to the "divorce him now" bunch............at least not yet


you have both lost your way, you started on the journey together but each took a different turn along the way and now you're miles apart


how did this happen??? simple, you were winging it and not planning it


you would be surprised how many people actually go through 70 years of life with little or no plan under the mistaken belief that one cannot really plan over such a long horizon


the mistake of such reasoning is the focus on the end rather than the means


next, when they do plan, they focus on things that, at the end of the day, won't really matter


who cares how big a house you have, how much money in the bank you have, how many places you have visited, how high you've climbed in your career, how many bright ad gifted children you have, how much jewelry you have, etc. etc.


on your death bed, none of this will come flooding into your mind to ease your transition to the next life, so why spend life accumulating such things


at the end of it all, what really matters is how much of a difference we made to humanity, so get up and smell the roses right in front of you


so, my suggestion is to sit down with hubby, talk through your expectations in life, find what it is that first brought you two together, then start all over again except this time focus on the really important stuff


and if after all that you still feel miserable, then divorce him!

Children are not a toy to relieve boredom and save a failing relationship. It would be extremely selfish to have a child at a time when your marriage is on the rocks. Sort out your marital problems first, or divorce your husband if differences are irreconcilable. I understand that your biological clock is ticking very loudly, but it's not a good enough reason to have a child right now. Focus on getting your life in order before creating a new life. If you decide to divorce your husband, take some time to discover yourself as a single woman. Once you have achieved some work-life balance, and are happy with who you are, you may consider having a child, or maybe realise that it's not so important to you after all. FYI, clinics outside puritanical HK accept singles for IUI or IVF using donor's sperm.

Having a kid in your current unhealthy relationship is a bad idea, just get a divorce now, it will be a lot less complicated. Also it would be unfair on him if you get pregnant and divorce him later on.

all those people who are suggesting IVF, donor sperm etc etc have totally no idea what is the value of "Father" in a kids life.


please stop distributing feminist nonsense.

single women are having children, like it or not. It always happened and always will. With or without artificial insemination. It's not for everyone ( i wouldn't do it but i am not interested in having a child) but it's better than having a miserable marriage.

Where did feminist come from? This has nothing to do with it. It's just an option for people who want babies but, unfortunately did not find someone who they can share their life with.


everyone knows that having both parents is the best. But for example, and real case. Husband has cancer, wife decided to leave a part of him, she will have his baby knowing that the child will not see him nor father will not live. It's not feminist, it's a life choice.


If you read the opening, OP is super miserable in her relationship, divorce is on the table, she wants a baby soon. People here are just giving her choices so she can make her ultimate decision.


By the way, I have 2 friends that did AI. I am totally against a child not having 2 parents but, looking at their children, it made me wonder, how do these ladies do it? They are fabulous kids, understanding their history, of course one day, they will have the big question and will also question against their mother's choice but, the love they give to them are equal to 2 parents.

xshoequeen, your examples woman is selfish if she leaves husband if he got cancer, she don't need to leave him to have a child.


selda

it is only better for you if you are selfish and have no consideration for the needs of a child.


lots of things are happening and that doesn't make it correct

Hah, knew you would say so.

Well, the husband didn't think so, he really wanted the child born, it was a mutual decision and if that is what they decided on, what can other's say?


If you really believe that it is necessary that the father must be there, how will you explain all the daddy's of the world who abandon their family in the midst of things just because of their own reason. I think that's more devastating to a child.

there are great single mums and single dads in this world, it's an irrelevant point. The point here is you shouldn't bring a child into a unstable marriage, it will only be detrimental to the child in the future.

Scorpio01, I think you may have misinterpreted what Xshoequeen wrote, as I read her example as the husband has cancer and the wife wants to be left with a part of him (not that she left him?) so they had a baby before he succumbed to the cancer so she has a child that is a part of him still. Correct me if I'm wrong Xshoequeen!


Which is not selfish, imo. That is a huge sacrifice on the wife's part knowing she will have to raise the child alone, but at least the father of the child is the man she loved.


As for the OP's topic... I would definitely recommend therapy for the two of you to figure out your goals. If communicating is hard it is often better to have a 3rd party to help decipher and interpret what either partner needs and wants. Best to figure out your marriage before adding the emotional, physical and psychological stress that a baby brings.


If you're looking for a psychologist, I know of a Dr named Sharmeen Shroff who deals with couples therapy. There is also a Dr Nathalie Lawrence who provides therapy and counselling at the same practice. http://www.holistic-central.com/


Life's too short to be unhappy. Best of luck!

Hi Whiterabbit, Thank you for getting my post!

Hi MJ1, yes, that is what I think a lot of people are trying to say!!


Good Luck to OP! Really, this is your life!

There are no easy answers.

Do you want a family or just children ?

If you leave this man, yur chances of starting again and building a happily family including children are rather low.


I believe your best approach is to try to fix the marriage. The family therapy idea sounds good.


Men often fear marriage counselling as some kind of attack on them. The key will be to communciate that you want to improve the marriage, in such a way that your husband does not see it as an attack on him, or just a ruse to get him to change. You need to start with agreement that both of us are not perfect, both of us are not happy, how could we make each other happier.

I agree with the last poster, that marriage counselling is a first step.


I think that OP has given a very honest account of the problems and has fairly good insight into the situation. What is not clear is why the marriage is failing.

Who are the people in this relationship and is there any love.

Any suggestion of repairing a poor relationship by having a child is very selfish and not sensible advice.


Good luck with your counselling. If you need support to leave and move on, then seek out friends and support, for that. There are options, ie try a separation, for example.

i am 43 and found my true love..i can relate to your story, it happened to me with the first marriage. i had worse experienced but as they say, theres a rainbow always after the rain. find your happiness....get divorced i would suggest.☺

TGGO,


FREEZE YOUR EGGS! Read up on it on the internet and act quickly if you want to have greater chance of kids when you are older.


Divorce your husband. You know that is the right thing to do for yourself and any future family that you will have.


Don't despair - your life isn't over at 41! But act quickly!


Good luck.

If you think having a child would help the marriage, I can tell you are wrong. I had my son when I was 31. 3 months after I had him, my husband wanted a divorce. I tried to work it out because I did not want my son without a father plus my parents really liked my husband. We did not have a good sex life. In fact very little, like 4 times a year. Then when my son was in kindergarten, we found that he has learning differences. Our focus went to finding help for him. He was/is a caring father but not a caring husband. When my son was 16 years, I moved to the US with him trying to find better school to help him. I was also testing myself to see if I could live on my own without my husband. I was away for 8 years until my son finished school. I was approached by other men during that time but none was right. I was faced with the decision of coming back to live with him or not, I had no more excuse to be away after my son graduated. I was so scared to disclose the bad news to my parents. I also worried about my son, whether he could find a job or not...etc. The stress built up and I finally got breast cancer. My family has no history of cancer so I truly believe it was the stress. Like you, I was afraid of living alone. To cut the story short, one year after my treatment, he asked for divorce again. He said if he didn't move out, he would get sick. I believe him as he was cold to me. He stuck around because he didn't want to be blamed for leaving me while I was sick. By then, I was 56 already. I went through a period of depression and now with the help of the medication, I am finally ok. I divorced almost 3 years now. He remarried recently with someone from China and 20 something years younger and is going to be a father soon. He told me that he feels "happy" with her. I try to let go of "hatred" and wish him good health as he still have a long way to go with his young wife and kid. I wish I had divorced him when I was in my 30's. I was married for 28 years and felt married only for 3 years. All these years I worked very hard, trying to take up my energy with work and my son. He won't go for counseling and was very firm that I am not right for him. Now I am 58 but I have 2 dogs and a cat. My son lives with me. My advice to you is to get a divorce now and get a son by other means. You can either be a single parent or find another husband even after you have your child. It is easier to remarry when you are below 50.