Posted by
tania2010
13 yrs ago
Hi all,
I'm looking for advice here.
Four years ago my husband, me and our two children moved to Hongkong from England because my husband has been transferred by his company to manage the business in Hongkong and China.
My husband is against the idea of me working here in Hongkong or doing business because he's afraid that it might negatively affect his Hongkong working permit. Basically since I got married with him, I have been always a full time wife and mother. He always insists that I have to put family as more important than my work. As a compensation, he's generous with all my needs. Together we save money for our children's education and for our old-age.
In Hongkong I'm more under pressure to be a full time wife and mother because we basically have no close relatives here and the local culture is very new for us. My husband also travels a lot for business, so he expects me to have more time with our children. I have no domestic helper as I do all household works by myself. I have enough time to do it.
In the meantime, as my husband travels a lot to China for his work, he often complains about the difficulties of working in Hongkong and China. Very tough and too stressful. I wanted to see China, he never took me there. He told me to just stay here in Hongkong to make sure our children are safe and taken care. Our children are twins of 16 years old. This year my husband starts staying and working more in China and less in Hongkong. Sometimes he stays 6 - 8 weeks in China. His behavior starts to change. All his time is only for working. He refuses to go out for dinner or movies. He refuses to go for holidays. He starts to be quickly angry and get emotional to me and our children, sometimes for no particular reason. He's not happy with the way I iron his clothes or the way I cook his favorite meals. He also very often picks a fight with our children. Our home becomes full of tension whenever he's around. Yet he refused to go together with me for a marriage or family counsellor.
In April this year, he informed me and our children that he wanted to have a divorce because he has been living with a Chinese woman in Shanghai and the woman is already two months pregnant.
I was devastated. I asked him not to leave us but he's determined to leave.
Since then he keeps on forcing me to divorce him. I said to him that divorce is not the only solution. I suggest to go together to see a marriage counselling. For the sake of our marriage and family relationship, as well as to find out where we did make mistakes and where we need to improve. He refused my suggestion to see a marriage counsellor.
The months after he left us, he still sent me money every month to cover our living costs. The money is obviously less than what I usually got. So I called the bank where we have our joint account, only to find out that he has removed all our savings. I asked him about it, and he angrily told me that all are his money because he's the sole breadwinner.
He keeps on forcing me to divorce him. I tell him that I need money to see a lawyer that I'm informed of my rights. He refuses to give me money. And start from this month he also refuses to send money for our daily living.
I need advice what I can do in this situation.
Thank you,
Please support our advertisers:
tania, sorry to hear your predicament, but you need to toughen up really quick. first step is to seek advice here, good on you.
secondly, i would think that your husband has made the decision and you should stop dreaming the day away: for example, what were you thinking leaving the money on the joint account just waiting for him to take it out?
lastly, the divorce law in the UK is much more favorable to women than the Hong Kong one. i would suggest you file for divorce in the UK really quick, before he does so in Hong Kong.
i am sure there are some lawyers for free available and someone will post a link. But you need to stop dreaming and get your act together, else you are in for big trouble.
Please support our advertisers:
File for divorce in UK as suggested. And fast. But don't tell him until it is done. Once divorce is started in one country it cannot be started in another.
A UK court will also recognise that you gave up a career (earnings) to follow him.
It sounds like you have lost your husband and it is unlikely you will get him back. You must plan for your future with the kids.
As an aside. Shanghai women can be hell to live with once they really get thier feet under the table. Expect things to get nasty, but it will be her making his life hell trying to squeeze out every last penny. But that is his problem and let him stew.
Please support our advertisers:
Thanks very much bhklady and everyone here, thank you very much for all yr understanding of my situation. I appreciate very much the incredible support which I got here from all your replies. You're all wonderful persons. Thank you very much. I need to decide what to do next. I know my husband so very well. We've been happily married for 23 years. We rarely fight, we understand each other pretty well on many things (incl. the intimate relations). We laugh a lot together. He often said that he's so lucky to be married with me. I also feel very happy and comfortable to be with him. We're good in saving money together without depriving us from the good things that we enjoy. We're both from country town, we're pretty modest people. He knows that I'm his number one supporter for his dreams and happiness. He often complimented me for the way I dress decently and that I keep staying slim. Though he claimed that he's in love with the woman in Shanghai, but judging from his appearance, he doesn't appear like a man in love. He looks very confused and lost. This makes me feel difficult to immediately agree to his request of divorcing him. I suggested to go together with me to see a marriage counsellor. But he refused.
Despite what he's done to me, I don't feel any hatred toward him. As a matter of fact I still feel love and able to accept him back in the family. Despite my being faithful to him throughout our marriage life, I don't feel the need of punishing him through divorce. I said to him that I wouldn't make it a big deal when he has lost a lot of money for his girlfriend. What's important is that he ends his relationship with the woman and that he's back into the family. I also don't sense any hatred from his side to me. My feeling is that he worries too much about his work and the possibility to be sent back home. Sometime ago he said to me that as long as he worked here in Asia the chance to lose his job would be much smaller than back home. The chance to get another job or to start own business is also much better here in Asia, particularly China. What worries him a lot is the hassle of getting the permit to live and work in China. I have no idea how difficult it is to get the permit of working and living in China. Would it be easier to get the permit when one is married to a local Chinese. Many times I said to him that I wanted to see China but he always stopped me from going there. He never tells me where he lives in Shanghai. The people in his Shanghai office don't know where he lives in Shanghai. I tried to get the information from the headoffice, they also don't know where he lives in Shanghai. I haven't contacted the consulate in China yet because I doubt whether they know where he lives in Shanghai. In the meantime I'm going to prepare myself with enough information, find a lawyer and be prepared for the worse.
Thanks again,
Please support our advertisers:
"In the meantime I'm going to prepare myself with enough information, find a lawyer and be prepared for the worse."
i dont like to be pessimistic, but i think the above part is the best piece of your comment
Please support our advertisers:
Tania2010, I am sorry about what has happened between you and your husband.. You have been married for 23 years, naturally it is not easy to separate with your husband emotionally.
While you still has a hope to reconnect with your husband, please you have to put yourself and kids the first priority. Start consulting with a lawyer to find out what is the most beneficial way to handle your case. Unfortunately when a man is caught by a young Chinese girl, it is not so easy for him to leave her especially she is now pregnant.
You have to protect and love yourself. If not no one can help you.
Good luck.
Please support our advertisers:
You said you came from England but you're not British are you, Tania? That's probably why he thinks he can treat you like this. A British woman would have cut off all his jangly bits!!
Where are you originally from Tania?
The sooner you get divorced the better! You're well shot of him!
Please support our advertisers:
My parents (me, as well) were born and live mostly in England. Our ancestors were Argentinians. We're Catholics and were married at the church. We made the sacrament/ the vow of keeping the marriage for life.
Please support our advertisers:
I guess his child by his mistress has been born by this stage so again like the other posters have noted...it's kind of beyond redemption now....so please act quickly and don't squander your chance to protect you and your children financially. Even if you decide to reconcile, AFTER protecting your financial interests, that is not an impossibility but if you don't do anything you may end up with no reconciliation and no money.....
Please support our advertisers:
Did you go through the British education system, Tania? Just your English isn't that good, that's how I knew you could be British. Surely your friends back home can support you. Get a flight home, take the kids, be around people on your side.
Please support our advertisers:
but pls note that you cannot take the kids out of hong kong just like that, else you fall foul of the den haag convention
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
He has family in the UK too, if he is British. It's not like she'd be disappearing with huskies. Besides, it sounds like he's not that bothered about them anyway.
I say go home.
Please support our advertisers:
Tania,
I'm so sorry to hear your dilema, I highlly recomend you NO TO LEAVE, pelase go to see Leagal aid... if you are familiar with HK their is a place in Admiralty " the High Court Building" you walk inside and ask for the LEgal AID office, they will asign you a lawyer... fight for your rights and your kids rights.... you should they will ask you for a bunch of papers like marrige cert, birth cert visa to stay in HK... etc, do not give up and do not let go, he have to be responsible man for hes kids. and you can talk to your consulate as well since you married in english law you should divorce in english law as well.... you can send me a PM and I may give you some more info.... trust me on this, apart from the fact that he wants to disolve the marriege which at this point it should be ok with you but you can fight for your kids rights ... and you should know HK will not ask you to leave on the contrary if you have a legal case they will extend your stay. good luck
Please support our advertisers:
tania2010. Tania, I am a husband who cheats. I strongly suggest you apply for a divorce in the UK.
Please support our advertisers:
wow, LGMV, sounds like you enjoy the cheating! Is it really that exciting?
Please support our advertisers:
There's a very real possibility that the lady from Shanghai will use your husband to set her up and she will then decide whether to keep the baby or not. The limit for an abortion in HK is 3 months - as for the Mainland I don't know but it's pretty gruesome up there. At the very least you need to see a lawyer even if it is only to protect your husband from himself.
Please support our advertisers:
Thanks very much for advices and suggestions
Please support our advertisers:
Neffy
13 yrs ago
Tania my heart goes out to you and your family. This is horrible what this man is doing but it happens everyday unfortunately. There are plenty of women like you, don't know how to do anything besides domestic duties. While the husband works and takes care of all the finances, like you're stuck in the 50's. Than when the husband is bored he flees and runs to another and you're stuck raising the kids on your own and can't even balance a check book. I think you should get legal advice, sure we all have our opinions but this is your life and you should seek professional help. One thing i would say is don't go out without a fight. Take everything you can, the house, the car, his money and any other possessions you can think of. You put work in this relationship as well. You bore his children and raised them, maintained the household and such. Just don't forget you have RIGHTS! Don't just keel over and let him get away easily, be aggressive. You're children are 16 so while it may be tough on them at least they're not 10. Here in the U.S a woman recently sued her husbands mistress for ruining their marriage. So don't give up hope, this will get nasty but you did nothing wrong. He's the one that cheated and deserves to pay.
Please support our advertisers:
sicn
13 yrs ago
It should be an easy-win case in court. But the problem here is Tania does not want a fight even though her husband is forcing it on her. I wonder why...
Please support our advertisers:
I'll do as advised here and wish me luck.
Please support our advertisers:
Get his address and go to China, take the kids and meet the mistress, meet her family, meet the neighbours.. Make sure they are in no doubt as to the sort of guy she's with..lest they think she found a nice upwardly mobile western man. Make sure they know he is walking away from his existing family uninterested and not paying a cent.. Perhaps they will talk her out of it. At least they will be shamed. Also, go to his company and tell them. At the very least, he has to be shamed into doing the right thing by you and the children. Perhaps you can get a freeze on his bank accounts in China? Any property you still own in England? Somehow get a freeze on the assets. See if you can find someone who knows all three laws to help you, then pay them after all is settled.
It would also make a good article in the SCMP.. Your kids will not get a cent from him, it jeopardises their future not just yours.. they will pay the price and they will respect you forever if you stand up and fight. They will remember what you do and say and it will also impact on the impression they have and the people they will become; especially if they are teenagers. Also allow them to scream at their father now.. as they won't get a chance to in the future.. and he might have a bit of a heart left for them..
goodluck, Tania.
Please support our advertisers:
Dealing with this in mainland China as bhklady suggests is only going to be useful if you only have evidence of him cheating on you that would satisfy a judge in China but not in HK or UK. China is not the only country in the world that has taken the moral high ground to say that getting another girl pregnant is grounds for a divorce, believe it or not the UK (and wait...ummmm...yeah... basically the entire planet) has the same law. One important thing is, where is his money? In the UK? or in China?
I can't begin to describe how much of an absolute *nightmare* it will be to handle this case in mainland china, I really would not even consider it unless there are no other options (e.g. if all his money is in China), you would also have to first consider who this girl is and who she knows that can influence the case as the law is very 'flexible'.
Your husband will get what's coming to him in the long run, I have no doubts that this shanghainese girl will milk him dry. The important thing is you get half his money first so you can get on with your life and look after your kids.
Please support our advertisers:
"Hoping to the best and preparing for the worst". If you want to do someting with your situation you perhaps should seek a lawyer to find out what is your legal rights in your case due to your financial situation. Meanwhile you have to talk with your man too. Your can decide afterwards when you have done these.
Please support our advertisers:
My name is Miriam, I am from United States, I was in a relationship with my man and we loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2015 a day I can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because I answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but I refused, and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I begged him because I love him so much but he refused me I was so down cast and I felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love my man very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman, so I ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great spell caster Gbenga Okokodu. if you need his help you can contact him on his email gbengaokokodu@yahoo.in
his website is www.gbengaokokodu.webs.com
Regards
Miriam Gibson
+1316-712-7520
Please support our advertisers:
they already said everything then I just wanna say that I am sorry to hear that...
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail