Posted by
CarJen
8 yrs ago
I met my boyfriend from the same industry so we matched very well with working hours and career background.
When we started dated, he then started to stay over at my place and my room mate then was unhappy with him because he's Indian (Sorry to mention but she hates Indians) I chose him and she kicked me out so he offered me to move in with him for that moment.
I tried to look for a new place for myself but he always stopped me and always begged me to stay with him and never leave him. We were talking to find a new bigger place to share and we were looking to do that when the lease contract is over in the next few months.
I have had a problem with trust and he always told me that he was very loyal and in his family history, there have been no cheater. "one man one woman only" he always said.
For all the time we were together, I could really trust him. We were deeply in love but bit by bit we started to argue. And one time I thought I really wanted a change so I told him I wanted to split with him so I packed and went to stay with my friend and he was very sad about that.
During those few days, we were trying to get back together but he got really drunk and because it was a very long Friday for both of us so we had a fight when we met (when he's drunk he could be a very different person but for all the time we were together he never got drunk as we had talked about that)
From that fight I started to feel like I should move out but still on the other soft side of my heart wanted to fix it. I decided to go back there to his place and he was still sleeping there. There was a box of condom on the table, a piece of opened sachet on the floor and a used condom in the garbage can. I was so sad and cried and he refused said he just jerked off with that because he was super drunk as he was upset to lose me and didn't remember but how could I believe him when all the evidences were there.
I then decided to move out on that day but I have been miserable. He begged me to stay and never leave him. We still love each other so much but the fact that he brought a girl to sleep in our bed was horrible and I could not let that go.
I have been very confused as I still want to go back to him and work it out but I can't let go of the fact of what he did! The other side I felt guilty to leave him first so all of this happened.
Shall I get him back? Or shall I just move on with this miserable feeling?
Any advice will be so appreciated. I really need someone who can give me mature advices.
Thank you very much.
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Sad story.but it happen even in married couple.
But if it's me I rather move on,he cheated not even married!
Don't believe the men who say there honest,a true honest men don't say those words but instead they prove it.
He should take responsibility in his action,it's not valid excuse that his drunk.
He even buy condom so it's purposely!
Move on forget him -the pain will be over.youll find better than him.
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Honestly feeling if someone wanna hide a one night stand it is very easy to do that. If he said that he just jerk off there is a possibility that he might be true in that. (Because girls are not difficult to find here)
Where there is love there is fights for sure. And if someone is saying that they never had an argument or fight in their relation i can say that its a fake relation.
Third according to the story you wrote i can assume the person is honest to you due to following reasons:
1: He show his love to you and you also feel that.
2: He is totally different person when drunk that mean he is trying to change himself for you.
3: He keep says sorry and reminds you about his loyalness is because nowadays there is no time to show my loyalness but to describes in the words.
4: If he is after you just for s%x or something else he might already gone because you had been with each other for a short time.
5: why he did not let you find another place that some classic brain indian man's thought its insane to them that they cannot bare to take care of their girls for the residence.
What you problem is. (According to what i think)
You every-time start thinking of him is your thoughts starts from negatively. You should think positively at least to let him shows his attentions/love to you.
Thanks and hope that can help.
(Don't just assume that i am in favor of your bf because i am an Indian by name. Fyi i am not Indian its just the nickname)
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Thanks for the reply.
@Duracell - No, we don't use condom since we have been together. I take pills.
The box was new. And it was bought the night before I went there.
@Ranilop2002 - I am trying to forget him but I feel guilty for being stupid and left him at the first place. He told me he was so sad and he wanted to get very drunk then that happened.
I know it's a lame excuse but still I feel bad for what I started! :(
@Indiaboy - First of all I don't care at all if anyone here is Indian or not, I am very open minded and thanks for your advice which means a lot.
What you wrote all are right! He tried everything for us to work out this relationship.
He always listened to me (as he is much younger) and we were deeply in love.
I really want to believe that he did not bring any girl there for sex but the fact that he bought a new box of condom with the used one in the garbage can't convince me.
Who would buy a box of condom if he doesn't plan to use it, would you buy it just to jerk off when you're in grief?
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Well i think you should have to believe him with that excuse. Why? Because you did not find anything obvious which shows any girl signs there.
Secondly if he really had sex last night (As you stated above) He must cleaned off the dust bin as well as the opened sache on the floor. Obviously the floor one will definitely be thrown off.
Thirdly as you state that his behavior or actions when he is drunk is totally different from what he is when not drunk so this kind of stupid action happens.
Finally i would suggest that you should give him a chance. Before you think after some times that you might be wrong or inpatient at the time when you dump him. What i come across the whole story is that the man is quite good dear. Seems you had not accept it from your heart from the first day. And you since than trying to find an excuse the dump him. (correct me if wrong) And now you are standing on this jerk off/sex excuse to tell your heart that you are correct. (Which is quite unfair to him and quite dishonest to your own-self as well)
Best of luck and most probably you will find the next one in row totally fucked up. So bottom line is this if he cares you and love you than you should not let him go.
Thanks
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You decided YOU wanted a change and decided to split. Change of what? Boyfriend? So now he's sad and drowns his sorrows by drinking too much; that's happened before with many people. For a few days you tried to get back together, it would be useful to know who was trying the most, and it doesn't work so he does the same again. At this point he has no expectation of getting you back and either jerks off into a condom, or is sensible enough to use a condom for a one night stand. You then walk in to HIS FLAT which you had already left, and, as Indiaboy quite rightly points out, find the evidence to justify why you dumped him in the first place.
Definitely dump him, you would be doing him a great favour!
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@MrCynic - Thank you for your comment anyway.
You should have looked on the other side, not only what you assumed.
The reason I decided to "pack" and move to stay with a friend for a while because we argued! And my intention was to make him realize that he should care more about me. It was something small that we argued about like; he told me he didn't have any money as he just spent on something very important which it was, so I spent "my" money for that month but when he got his salary, he just bought a new phone without telling me a word so we argued which was normal but he didn't care and let me sleep on the sofa for being grumpy instead in our bed.
Moreover I just packed my necessary stuff to stay with my friend and 90% of my stuff was still in his room. When we tried to meet to talk again, he was very drunk and told me he didn't want a serious relationship because it was too painful for him and asked me to take my stuff out. Then next day he begged for apologies and asked for forgiveness for what he did and said. That's why I went back there, first to pack (from what he told me) and to talk to him which was my main intention before taking any action but the condom thing was there.
It is not black and white so please don't judge too fast.
Thanks anyway.
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If you had posted that info in the first place there would no need for assumptions. You can't move out for every argument, and I don't think it's very mature to move out to teach someone a lesson.
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@ carjen
people argue all the time, that's never a reason to leave anyone !
and remember argument happens with 2 partners, not alone, so try to keep quiet when is looks in a mood to argue and talk to him later and see how it can be fixed, and obviously this applies to him too
and ppl do jerk off in a condom, nothing weird about this.
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Move on , he just use u , if now have problemes later will be disaster
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Thank you for all the advices.
I am tired and don't want to explain anything much anymore but thanks all of you who read and left me comments.
We decided to talk through what happened. He told me clearly about the condom and there was really no one there and from all of the facts, friends and situations, I believed him and we got back together but it is not the same anymore. We decided to take it slow this time and not living together for a while.
You're right! I am not mature enough in a relationship but this is my first time that I ever lived with anyone. The fact that I lived in someone's place made me insecure and felt like I could be unwanted anytime.
It is very easy to see things from you own side and judge or make a comment but trust me! when you're in the situation yourself, it's not that easy and you will really need help and someone to talk to or give you advices.
I have a big lesson but I guess we all will learn from mistakes. Never leave anyone you love and have to let go because things can't always be the way I want it to be.
We might take time to get back where we were or we would never make it and leave for good that we don't know. Now what I know is that I am not sad anymore and I feel strong again for the days ahead.
Thank you everyone again for reading and leaving comments through all of the dark days I was.
xoxo
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Hi JLOSHK,
Thank you very much for your questions and message.
I did not live with that guy because of sex at all.
We loved each other and because I was having a problem with my ex flatmate and he had offered me to move in with him for the time I would need to look for a place for myself but then he never let me go and begged me to be with him and never left him.
We were deeply in love and that was the only reason we lived together.
So that can answer your question that he did not use me for sex.
Moreover he has a very good job and earns almost double of my salary. Plus he is from a rich family and he was born in HK but now all of his family live in mainland china so I don't think he just used me.
The thing is, after talking to my best friends and reading comments here, I found that I made a mistake to move out first made all of the emotional fights. Now I want to go back to live with him again to fix it and to improve what happened but we both think it might not be a good idea to be in that kind of relationship anymore. Things are not the same though i want it back again but I have a doubt if I should just move on and let go of him or just try again and fight to get the love that we had back.
I really don't know...
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carjen, if you are still young and attractive, i suggest you start to find another man. but first you need to move out and live by yourself if necessary so you are detached from him otherwise you would be stuck forever.
good luck and be strong and determined, your indecision will destroy you.
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@rititt
what if she is old and unattractive? or young but a plain jane?
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@RITITT & @SCORPIO1
i am still young and attractive
Before moving in he had promised me that he would never ask me to leave and i told him I would never leave as well as I had made a big mistake by leaving him at the first time and we agreed on that
we had been together after that happily but then one day he drank a lot after work and came home drunk and weird. We then talked and argued again, this time he asked me to leave his apartment.
I then, of course, knew it was not really his intention to kick me out in the middle of the night like that but he insisted and called the police to get me out of his place.
I couldn't believe he would do that but the police did come so I had no choice but left his place walked out on the street calling friends at 2 am to find a place to stay, luckily I had someone let me stay.
now he said he is sorry and asked me to go back and put everything behind but what happened was too stupid and childish.
I decided to just let him go this time and will start over my new life.
it's been painful and sad but this time I can't forget him to get police involved to kick me out of his place. though he had promised he would never ask me to leave, he just did so well with police.
I wish it could be easier and less hurt this time but it's not. I still have to deal with this everyday and feel so tired of it.
thank you everyone for reading and leaving comments. it just didn't work out between me and him. I look forward to a better life even being happily single.
CarJen
.
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call the police is certainly not called for, that's indeed too much.
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Maybe he bought the condoms for a posh wank.....innocent until proven guilty? Although he doesnt sound like a nice sort of person agree with DURACELL when someone is drunk they show their true nature. Stay away!!
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Thanks a lot LONDONGRIME, DURACELL! SCORPIO01
Yes, it is too much to call police.
He keeps asking me to go back (staying with friends who are a couple) he said sorry and he loves me so much.
I truely think that i could be so stupid if i go back but honestly i miss him though.
He said he was really sorry and i can feel it but i doubt that he would do the same again.
I am sad but there's nothing i can do but let him go.
XOXO
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Carjen it sounds like you have been through a really challenging time. This is hopefully a one off experience and don't for one minute think that all your relationships will be like this. The next relationship you enter into look for similarities with this previous guy, don't fall into the same trap, pick the same type and then think you can change him. Chances are you wont be able too.
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Dear Duracell and Davecrispin1
Thank you for your support.
When you're not in the game, it's very easy to say go left or right or what should be done.
I was a wreck when I got sacked off by police, cried and kept asking why I deserved that!
We both decided to move on, he realized that he was a dangerous person to be with and he should not come back to hurt me again and stay away from me.
I also think that I can't live my life like that. I am not in a position to be kicked out. I need a secure life with my own place to be.
He got a new apartment that he's moving to and so am i. The contract of the apartment where we are living right now is over next month and we agreed to find a new bigger apartment to share together but the decision to get a solo apartment for each of us happened between those days I was away and it had to be done by the end of this month.
The day I came to pack my stuff, he was here (he was supposed to be out for work but for some reason he was back home to rest)
He apologized, regret, felt bad, said he didn't know himself why he did such a thing and he couldn't apologize enough.
I forgave him but police thing is a very huge mistake between us and I can't forget it; the moment they came in, how they accused me of staying in his premise etc.
We both regret for what happened. I couldn't forget all the things he did and just came back like noting happened.
In general I can understand that from the first time I left him I made a big wound in his heart and it hurt him so bad and he has lived with that mark.
Whenever we argued he would do anything to hurt me back as a revenge because he did not want to be hurt anymore.
Though it is a horrible thing that happened between us, I could still see room of improvement. He always tells me that he had always lived alone so it's a big thing for him to do the right thing because he doesn't know what to do sometimes; with ego and pride, it always misleads him.
To be honest I don't know what to do. One thing I know is to move to my own new place and he's also moving to his own place. I don't know if we could survive this relationship or even if it's worth fighting for? If we don't live together then we could still be the same level of relationship?
I really don't know and of course, many of you will think I am stupid enough to come back to him. I didn't plan all of this, it just happened this way.
Carjen
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Carjen, I work with couples on a regular basis and at the end of the day it comes down to choice. No I don't think you're stupid, thats not the point. To live separately for a while may seem like the best option and get a chance to rekindle those feelings if they're still there. If not then you have made the right decision. If your going to embark on a relationship with someone who has trouble managing anger thats a consideration you need to take into account. It will still be there unless it's addressed.
Dave
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Seems a book is gonna come in market about Carjens breakup. so much discussion. hahahaha
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we already have a chat blog ^^
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Dear all,
I should write a book or a blog indeed! I really want to support others like you did with me.
I truly understand others how they could feel in this kind of situation. I have learnt a lot from what happened.
by the way @Duracell, I am early 30s (but people always guess I am around 28) and he is 26.
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Sounds like the guy has some issues. Do you really want to be dealing with someone who gets drunka nd becomes a different person?
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The answer to this question is always "no."
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