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Socializing as a couple
Posted by zelda (520 days ago)
I never thought this would be a problem, but recently i had an argument with my partner who insists i don't spend enough time with his friends.
The fact is i am a very private person, and enjoy the company of only a handful of close friends, people i have known for a long time, and have a very similar sense of humour, and an intellectual affinity with.
My work and life demands are making it difficult to even see my friends, which means i'd rather see them than go out with my partner's friends.
Nothing wrong with them, but their lives are very different from mine, they have kids (i don't) and i don't seem to have much to talk about with them.
There are only that many nights a week, and juggling work (I work evenings), a relationship, and my friends is difficult enough. I am happy to socialize with his friends maybe once a month, but he made it clear that this is not enough. I would be happier if he saw them alone, instead of insisting on my presence.
How do other couples deal with it?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by zonked (520 days ago)
If people have kids they don't just talk about them??!!
That said, the problem seems deeper than just that you don't want to socialise with his friends. You're probably two very different people -- he's outgoing and friendly and you're private and reserved.
It is great to socialise with eachother's friends, otherwise! I think it enhances your bond and intimacy.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by zelda (520 days ago)
Zonked, you are right. We are very different people.
He is more extroverted. But i thought difference is the spice of life... As long as people respect those differences. My personality has never been a problem with other partners. They knew i was more introverted and respected my need to be alone.
They were quite happy to spend time with their friends. I am not a possessive gf, if they wanted to go out with their mates, it was fine by me. I would see my friends, or stay at home with a book.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by sandy (520 days ago)
I also wonder. HK is such a busy place, can people really make time for family and friends?
Sometimes I wish I had time for myself, I can't imagine making time for my wife's friends. Thank goodness her family is not in HK.
I cherish time alone with her, I make an effort to take her out to a restaurant, cinema or theatre once a week, because when we are at home our kids absorb us completely. We see other couples on Sunday, the children play and when we are not running after them, we can have a glass of wine and adult conversations. Agree with Zonked, children are a topic of conversation, especially for mothers. I understand Zelda's resistance. When we didn't have children we didn't hang out with couples who had them.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by car_lover (520 days ago)
I would say that he shld respect you and not force you to do something u dislike rather he shld let u follow on ur own free will. I don't see any problems if my partner don't wanna meet my friends. Most important is i got her love and i love her..period!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by zonked (520 days ago)
But i thought difference is the spice of life...
Yes, I used to believe in it too. My very first relationship, the only guy I married, was actually based more on that concept. But, over time I have come to realise it is better to have someone similar to you.
There is better understanding and more enjoyment, and more things to do together, which translates to that many increased number of things we can get pleasure from together! Doesn't that make better sense -- to have more togetherness and actually enjoy it too?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by zelda (520 days ago)
I enjoy doing things with my partner, sharing interests is very important to me too. I like hiking with him, going to yoga together, watching movies, going to restaurants, bars, concerts...I am not a hermit!
It's just that i prefer to do these things alone with him, instead of doing stuff like dinner parties at his friends' place. The majority of his freinds are married couples with children. Their lives are miles apart from mine. I am sure i would find it easier if i had children. But this issue bother me rather than him, maybe because men are less likely to discuss children stuff than their wives.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by kristatu;ip (519 days ago)
Hi Zelda,
You should consider yourself very lucky and pleased as your partner wanted very much to include you in his life and his outings with his friends. My ex bfriend hid me from his friends. When we happened to meet one of his friends, he would introduce me as his friend not his gfriend.
Maybe both of you should consider going counselling.
Cheers :-)
(I am based in Singapore)
Posted by ayumi (519 days ago)
My BF and I have different social circles and it's OK. He knows I get bored around his rugby mates, and I know he gets bored around my girlfriends. On the other hand I love being around his parents. His mum and I talk about everything, and on certain issues she is just as open as my friends.
I think Zelda's BF is putting too much pressure on their relationship if he expects her to share all his friends. Especially the married ones that talk about their kids all the time. <Yawn>
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Chiriqui (518 days ago)
Zelda, you could have been me writing this. To be honest, it's caused more than one argument between us. I'm married but we don't have kids. I have a big group of my own friends who, between work and other commitments, I don't see often enough. I find his group of friends in HK very pretentious, tedious and boring. The wives don't work, not that I have anything against stay-at-home moms but these are the kind of women who have 2 helpers per child and can only talk about their latest diamond bracelet and husband's latest bonus... One of them had no idea who was prime minister in her home country! I find this shocking but equally, I know they find me boring and our senses of humour don't gel at all. We're just different people.
We compromise by seeing our friends separately unless there is an important event like a birthday party or something that I am expected to attend.
Life's too short to spend with people you don't like. But you shouldn't let them come between you either.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by MisterD (518 days ago)
Zelda
You don't mind him going out with his mates on his own right? Then you're being perfectly reasonable. He's behaving like a big girl's blouse in insisting that you go out with him to hold his hand when he goes out. Tell him to toughen up and stop being such a wuus.
I don't think the fact that you have nothing to talk to them about has anything to do with them having kids though. If you meet them having already decided that you have nothing in common then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Next time you do go out with them try to have an open mind. Do this to learn about yourself though: not to please your whiny boyfriend.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by papa midnight (518 days ago)
Zelda,
For me spending time together is one of the most inportant aspects of a relationship, this includes doing things with each others respective friends and work colleagues even if may not be your first choice. If difficult in HK where people spend so much (too much!) time working that there is very little time for each other.
As a western guy married to a HK girl I found it very difficult to understand why she would choose to spend time with her friends rather than with me or with them together (I admit not helped by the fact I do not speak cantonise). In the end I decided to split up since we were spending so much time apart anyway.
Like so many things in a relationship, it about compromise. Talk it through.
Good luck.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by the_poor_man (516 days ago)
You see that's the point. In HK we are all so busy that we already have so little time to spend with each other. I can see why some people would like to have a little more time with their partner while at the same time they can see their friends and maintain other relationships.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by esque (516 days ago)
Do you ever worry that by sticking to the same group of friends you've always had, who are so similar to you, same sense of humour etc, you might be stagnating a little? Just a thought, perhaps it's not the case.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by annebin (516 days ago)
My husband seldom wants to socialize with my friends too not because he doesn't have anything in common with them or doesn't like them. I know he's tired from work and understand that he would rather plop on the couch and watch dvd with me or read a book.
I don't pressure him to go if he doesn't feel like it, but it would be nice if he can exert some effort once in a while.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by chris79 (516 days ago)
To me it is not a problem to socialise with anyone, even though I have a pretty socialising job during the day time, but if my GF asks me to go out with her to see some of her friends I will seldomly decline, not that I think all of her friends are that great to talk to, but it is better to socialise with them then to hang in front of the TV all by myself.
If she doesn't want me to join her, she just doesn't ask, we get along pretty fine.
Another aspect is of course that if you never meet her friends you never know when they might come in handy, business or socially wise...
And sometimes they are of great value to just get another perspective on her, if you are having trouble understanding certain aspects of her, or are having a down in the relationship it helps to talk to other people who actually know her.
The same goes for her and meeting my friends even though she does take a tougher stand on who we are going to see and why, some people she says she just can't stand, when I go see them I usually don't invite her to go along, just to avoid getting into arguments about them afterwards.
(I am based in Beijing)
Posted by janniehk (503 days ago)
I have found a happy solution to socializing with my partner. We try to socialize with each others friends at larger gatherings where there are a mix of other couples and single people as well! We try not to make it an exclusive set of couples since I've never had much in common with my husband's friends wives/girlfriends. If found that there was way too much pressure for me to get along with these ladies. They are nice but I just don't click with them.
I'm a well travelled business ownder so often I had a lot more to chat about with the guys in the group than the women who are mostly non career types.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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