false hopes and empty promises

Posted by kopfan888 (580 days ago)

Not sure if its just me but since I've been back in town and I've had so called 'friends and acquaintances' offering to get me great jobs etc in their office as they are crying out for people with my skills and experience blah blah blah, Meetings get arranged then suddenly nothing. No replies to e-mails etc and those few that do respond only after enough prodding tell me that 'oh they've decided to get two other guys in from another office'

Same kind of thing with my 'friends' on a social level as well, cancelling on me at the last minute, arrange something for the following week and guess what? another last minute cancellation, similar thing with another person where she forgot she needed to do something and said she'll call me later once she's done, And yes you guessed it she didn't contact me until she got home late that night. Nothing more from her since.

Am I expecting too much at the end of the day or is their a lack of genuine friendly people in this town?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by happydays (580 days ago)

Don’t be upset Kopfan. Of course there are still caring persons here in HK. For sure you will meet some very soon. Just bear in mind one thing though, never have too much expectation on others or you will be really disappointed. You will be much happier if they do really help one day. But trust me, there are still some true and caring friends out there. Cheer up.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (580 days ago)

Thanks happydays, Its just got to the stage now where I'm really thinking, why am I even bothering to be nice to people after being treated this way.

I treat others how I'd like to be treated, Seems a shame that other people can't do the same in return.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Wat'sup!!! (580 days ago)

Kopfan . don't worry some times people do it unintentionaly, I'm sure they care just maybe not the right time, as per your friend give it another chance I'm sure she/he will make it up to you ...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Daddy Long Legs (580 days ago)

People are just too busy for their own good. They are juggling too many things at once.
Don't worry about it; it's their loss. Real friends are hard to find in any city. Just chill and remember one thing: Keep smiling!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (580 days ago)

thanks guys! much appreciated.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (580 days ago)

Don't worry Be happy....:)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (580 days ago)

I'm trying to be as I came out here to start a new life and try and forget about a certain loved one who I can't have etc but the way things are going looks like i'm going to have to sell my soul and move back to the very place I spent 6 years trying to escape from!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chris79 (580 days ago)

Running away from stuff has seldom helped anyone, when faced with a problem it is often better to just dash in head to wall. If you start running away from stuff that happens in life it will often end with all of that stuff catching up with you at once, it might be this is happening to you right now, better to face the problem and tear it all out by the root....

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by moltobella (580 days ago)

kopfan, give it more time and patient. people can be busy with work, life, forgetful, etc., but there are nice people here. for examle sometime i said i would call my friend back but then work, phone, meeting, then back home i am exhausted but still have personal life to deal with which runs out my time, then i recall "d*mn i gotta call" but it's too late at night etc. in this town life is really rushy that i keep long term friendship but dont often get together because of the above.

Another thing is that sounds you are fairly stressed out. cheer up, laugh out, find your own life and your energy u will see love and care are around cos a cheerful and self-comfertable person simply attracts good attention easily. Don't run away. people can't bring you a life, a positive you will bring about your own life and people will come into it naturally.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (579 days ago)

chris and moltobella

thank you, it means a lot to me. Yes the running away from that loved one thing has kindof semi resolved itself anyway, She's met somebody else and its working out for them both so far, Guess I was always the option 2 in her eyes, Like the gay best friend type of scenario but without the gay part. always talked about there being an us in the future etc etc but thats been 6 years now.

Its madness really, was in lkf on saturday and saw somebody I really didn't expect to see and it reminded me of this girl and yep you guessed it, drunken phone call to her telling her how much I want to come back because I miss her.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (579 days ago)

Time to let go dude..she ain't the only girl in this world for u, plenty of single ladies wanting a good man..look at threads in here. U need to make urself happy and try not to think abt ur past or her. Maybe we shld have this lonely unhappy dude gathering eh! haha..cheer up! We can talk abt girls, cars, and how to cheat! lol!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (579 days ago)

sounds like a plan! need to meet new people out here.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by happydays (579 days ago)

Kopfan, move on. I know it’s difficult but perhaps it’s really the time for you to move on. It’s not possible to forget the past and we should treat it as a nice memory. It’s lucky that you two had good times and you had good memory but just let bygones be bygones and move on.

I totally understand your feeling and I also wrote a long email to him while I was crying…but it’s the last email. I still treat him as a friend but I know I have to move on. Go out more with people can give you new hope and of course new hope. She is not the only one in the world and you have lots of friends and others things to cherish. I will support you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (579 days ago)

happydays, thank you so much for your kind words. I know I need to move on and try and let go. But I'm finding it tough at the moment what with her being my best friend etc as well. I guess cold turkey is the way for now, stop e-mailing etc every day and gradually reduce it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by happydays (579 days ago)

Agree Kopfan. That's a good approach. You will have to keep a distance from her for a while in order to move on. Try to contact other friends or do another things to keep you busy and stop contacting her for a while.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aggie (579 days ago)

kopan...no matter how we suggest to you...u have to awake from the fantasy...by the time you can pick up yrself to move on...u will find yrself strong enough to face her...at that time, she may have another impression on you! who knows...be a man to move on and find the way to treat yrself better....life is good!

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by chris79 (579 days ago)

Plenty of experience with that myself. Just tear it out, delete all files, remove all pics and focus on something else besides the "l"-word, try to stick to the routine longer then 3 months and you will find yourself in a whole new world, well 3 months is the minimum at least (it all depends on the length of your relationship of course)

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by moltobella (579 days ago)

cool chris79! practical way to dump "heart breaker" out of mind.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (578 days ago)

argh I need to get her out of my mind but I just can't seem to do it. this is hopeless! I know its holding me back but my head says yes move on and of course my heart says no as theres still a chance.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (578 days ago)

Join a tri-altheloning club...I hear that works wonders and you can make a lot of new friends.

Just a thought. If you cant keep your mind busy, get your body busy and the mind will find peace. If you cant find that peace by just hitting the gym, triathelete activities seem like more than enough to tire the body and mind.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (578 days ago)

not a good swimmer so that rules me out! at the moment I think a good session down at lkf is in order to drown my sorrows.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (578 days ago)

Ah, I am not a good swimmer either and I am going to give it a go. Y'see, it isnt about being the best, its about participating.

But I suppose LKF is a lot easier.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (578 days ago)

yes very true there. at the moment I just need to take stock of my life and re-evaluate things oh and of course try and keep myself busy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (574 days ago)

I must be crazy, I failed to try and distance myself from her, If anything we've got even closer the past few days as I was a shoulder to cry on etc.

The things we do for love huh?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (559 days ago)

the deed is done, I told her that we should no longer be friends as I wanted more than what she wanted to offer and things were too one sided and it wasn't fair on me being the fallback guy each time, clearly she's not happy and doesn't want to talk to me right now.

have I done the right thing?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by voiceofreason (559 days ago)

you did the right thing. now you can "get back to yourself" so to speak.

stay strong, resist all urges the call/change your mind/go crawling back weeping like a baby. it gets easier over time, then one day you realize "i wish i had done that sooner".

most relationships aren't forever, and all of them change over time. this one finally ran its course. you realized you weren't getting as much out of it as you were putting in, and unless you're a candidate for sainthood (or her parent!) it could not have lasted forever.

be strong, and love and appreciate those who truly love and appreciate you back.

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by kopfan888 (559 days ago)

thank you for confirming that I have done the right thing, I still feel guilty etc etc but of course these will pass in time. Just need to keep my mind off her now somehow.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by voiceofreason (559 days ago)

perhaps there are other friends whom you have neglected, whilst throwing all your time and support at your ex-friend? maybe it's time to re-establish contact and catch up.

or perhaps you have some trips or projects or hobbies that you have put off recently - now is the time to revive them.

or start a "recently ex'd" get-together thread (like the ebullient "Divorcees - wanna get together" thread) and make new friends.

in any case good luck and happy Monday - back to the salt mines now.

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by kopfan888 (559 days ago)

yes I plan on doing that when I return to London this weekend. thanks again.

Guess she's not happy because I pre-empted her as she told me that we need a serious talk when I'm back in London.

A lot of things I didn't get to say either, should I just leave it as it is or tell her everything so we can get closure on this once and for all?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by voiceofreason (559 days ago)

leave it. wringing out every last detail "for closure" will accomplish nothing, and only gives you an excuse to keep speaking with her. focus on growing your backbone. ;-) (meant as a gentle nudge)

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by kopfan888 (559 days ago)

Ah voiceofreason

You're a star! thanks again

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tidings2 (559 days ago)

kopfan888 if you are looking for a job that requires sponsorship, that is probably why you are having such a problem.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (559 days ago)

Tidings, don't see how this is relevant to the current problem.

but thanks for your concern anyway.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (557 days ago)

voiceofreason

A big weight has been lifted and of course me being me still miss her even after all thats happened. Stupid huh?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by voiceofreason (557 days ago)

i see your backbone is coming along nicely ;-)

not stupid at all, perfectly human of you actually. just don't fall off the wagon. make unbreakable weekend plans today to ensure you are not available for any serious-talk emergencies she might try to spring on you. attend to yourself and your work and your other friends who truly appreciate you.

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by zelda (557 days ago)

not stupid at all. You cannot switch off love like a lightbulb. It takes time. And why forget? Turn your love for that woman into a source of inspiration for yourself and your life. You just have to transmutate that love into creative energy and self-discovery, like a modern days alchemist in search of his philosopher's stone.

I am still fuelled by love for someone i haven't seen for 7 years...and thriving on that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (557 days ago)

Yes I'm trying to keep myself busy indeed job hunting etc and networking and all that. I do have a feeling though that she will soon enough contact me once she realises what she's lost as I was the only one she confided in. But tough its too late for that now.

Oh for sure I plan to prove to myself that I am better than what she realised and she has just lost the best opportunity she could ever of wished for in a guy.

Her loss not mine.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (557 days ago)

I dont mean to be a killjoy, dude...but we all like to think that someone else will somehow miss us more than we'd like to believe, that somehow after all these years of not knowing what you were worth this insane blinding light of understanding dawns on them...

Nah.

But thats ok.

You are right about one thing though. Her loss, not yours.

The fact that you cared and waited all this while in the hope that somehow she'd notice, now THAT...that was your loss...not hers.

So dont cry over it, just be glad you figured it out before you wasted any more time pining for a reality that simply wasnt gonna come around without some serious intervention on both sides.

You sound like a nice enough guy, I am sure there is more than you desire...waiting out there for you round the next corner, just take the first step. :o)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (557 days ago)

Geez JC thanks for another reality check! Oh of course theres plenty more that I desire but I'm just not ready for it yet. I need to find myself again.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by p-diana (544 days ago)

Hi kopfan,you are not alone.I have the same experience of so called 'friends' giving me empty promises.Promises to meet but back up last mintues and give me silly reason like:Oh,i'm sorry,i've forgotten i need to do bla bla bla....
I do wonder sometimes am i the only weirdos who keep promise and appointment?I feel hurt and silly when i treated them sincerely but was being treated back like dirts.
Sorry,just wanna let off some steam......

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tidings 2 (543 days ago)

Kopfan, my comment abt sponsorship seemed relevant because in your opening paragraph you mentioned how many people would set you up for jobs and it did not happen........

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (543 days ago)

ah right I see tidings 2, no that wasn't the issue as at the time I was in the process of getting residency thus didn't need it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (542 days ago)

p-diana

Yes there does seem to be quite a few of us in the same situation, would love to talk more with you when I'm back in HK, heading back to London for a while next week. Need to claim my taxes back and do some contracting too.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by p-diana (542 days ago)

Have a nice trip! :-)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (542 days ago)

Oh latest update, guess who e-mailed me this morning to say that she misses me and wanted to talk as she was going through a rough time.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tidings 2 (542 days ago)

Fair weather friends are the worst.

I believe in karma (tho I'm not religious) so just try to let it go and know that they are users.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (541 days ago)

>kopfan888 - dont do it man, dont call. Listen to JC, you'll regret it. When someone uses you solely as a bandaid for the soul, you will get binned when you have served your purpose. But you already know the deal! Be strong.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (541 days ago)

I know JC, so far I have said nothing to her. Even wanted to tell her 'tough you had your chance and you blew it, no second chances' but decided not to bother.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (541 days ago)

Good going. Best not to engage at all.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part deux) (541 days ago)

Yup... you do not need to be her crutch anymore... or need her crutch...

Apologies Ed... I have tried to be good and have not been banned this week, yet.

Be strong kopfan and resist temptation that you know is not worth any more effort... move on and up and do have a good trip... and remember a new life does await you in HK and that will be worth the effort.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by kopfan888 (541 days ago)

thanks aijin

Yes I'm back to London for a few months then will be in hk for good. can't wait to be finally settled.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chinapumpman (541 days ago)

me i am a cold hearted guy..
i would have responded..listened..taken her out for a meal..gave her one..
then said sorry i have moved on...
thanks for the memory..
but i suppose that is just me..haha

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by kopfan888 (541 days ago)

oh chinapumpman, that idea is so so tempting!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by p-diana (541 days ago)

Hi kopfan,i have went through your whole thread.
Would suggest that Silent Is The Best To Response if you have make up your mind not to get involve.....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (541 days ago)

thanks p-diana

Oh guess what happened today? I was in Mongkok and started chatting to these two british girls and we hung out for a bit, whoohooo got my confidence back!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Straw_berry (540 days ago)

Agree with p-diana... keeping silent is the best thing kopfan888 should do... Even better, "cut" all ties with this person, she's not worth it...

All the best, kopfan888...

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by kopfan888 (540 days ago)

thanks straw berry

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chinapumpman (540 days ago)

p-diana
did u not like my suggestion too..
sometimes it is easier to fight fire with fire...
and more fun too..
hey straw berry
i will be in singapore soon..
fancy a beer...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Straw_berry (540 days ago)

An advanced welcome to Singapore!

A beer... Sure, write when you are here... but be sure you are a decent "chinapumpman"... Haha...

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by p-diana (540 days ago)

Chinapumpman-Well...does not too agree as to fight fire with fire...if so it will become chain melody....not unchain melody....: P

Kofan-How is your meeting on friday going on?Haha....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (540 days ago)

p-diana

went well and they were nice girls, won't be keeping in touch with them though, too freaky to exchange e-mails etc after a few hours. didn't want them to think i was some stalker weirdo!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chinapumpman (538 days ago)

hey straw berry
do u have msn...?
send me a PM and let me know.
Thanks...
ps some would say i am a very decent pump man..
but that is only personal opinions...haha...
and totally off the subject of this thread..
see u there..hopefully..

(I am based in Guangzhou)