He is not interested :(

Posted by sandwich (522 days ago)

My bf and I have only dated for half a year or so, but I notice he is not that interested in me anymore. It's not that he is cheating or I don't take care of my looking anymore, but he is just not interested in the intimate thing. I talked to my gf who is married for 6 years, and it seemed that the frequency are almost the same. But remember she has married for 6 years! I tried to talk to him about it and he admits that he is naturally not that interested in girls. I don't know if this could happen to boys or he has been making excuses to me. We still like each other, but his work, his hobbies and his friends, all of them take away a lot of his time and he enjoys all of them. Plus the lack of care from him, I sometimes start to think silly. Is there anyone who can help me see things more clearly?

(I am based in Shanghai)

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Posted by marieantoinette (522 days ago)

When he says he's not that interested in girls, has he mentioned his attitude to boys? Is that what he means, or is it that he's just not interested in ANY physical contact?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sylvialili (522 days ago)

I personally think it's pretty silly to compare others' with your own. Everybody's needs in this aspect is different. Some people go without for a month and they are fine. Some have to get on it every day (hey, what can you do when the hormones are acting out?).

Has your bf always been like this since you guys started being intimate? Or is it a sudden or gradual change of pattern? Has he acquired a new hobby? Has he suffered from more stress than usual at work? etc. These questions popped into my head before questioning his sexual orientation.

Sexual compatibility is one of the vital components in a happy & healthy relationship. If he has never ever been interested in being intimate with you, and it makes you miserable and possibly frustrated, you may need to reconsider if he's the right life partner for you and vice versa. You two need to sit down and communicate openly.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sandwich (521 days ago)

To Marieantoinette. Thanks for your reply. But I am pretty sure he is NOT interested in boys. Hehe, it would kill me to think he is gay.

To sylvialili. Well, you are right that people are different. He was more keen when we just start to date. I think this is natural as well. But as far as I recall, even at that time, he was not that interested in sex. So it is not a sudden change. He has lots of hobbies and yes, he works under big pressure.

I don't feel miserable but a little frustrated honestly. What I really don't like is that I feel we don't spend enough time together. We usually have a good time together when he is not working.

Anyway, I would appreciate if you could give me some suggestion on this. Thanks a lot.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by marieantoinette (521 days ago)

Sorry sandwich, just needed to clarify when he said he was not that interested in girls!!! Some medications can affect libido, is he on any tablets long term? steroids too, if he was a bodybuilder, but you mention he's a hard worker, so maybe he doesn't have time for the gym! Stress can be a major cause of loss of interest, but if this has been going on a while and doesn't pick up occasionally, then that's unlikely. Or it could just be that's the way he is....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sandwich (521 days ago)

Don't think he is taking any pill for long term, but he is a heavy smoker. Maybe that's the reason? Do you think there is anything I can do about it? Thanks!

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by sylvialili (521 days ago)

I find rititt's comments above very mind boggling. What on earth makes rititt point his finger at sandwich???

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rititt (521 days ago)

because a man will always be a man, to have sex is his "raison d'etre". so if a man doesn't have sex regularly, either he will become very frustrated in which case he will "close" himself ("he is not interested", "lack of care")or he will look for sex elsewhere.
when a man doesn't show any interet in sex, it is either he is physically incapable of having any, ie erectile problem which would not apply to sandwich case since her man has shown he is capable of having sex, either the woman doesn't not excite him anymore. the title says it out loud, "he is not interested"!
I read an article about Viagra in Spain where its consumption is going thru the roof. A woman sent her husband regularly to see a doctor for his viagra because every time he could not perform in bad. At the end, the husband has to tell the doctor to srop giving his prescription for Viagra because he told the doctor it is not the viagra, it is his wife. he preforms very well and without viagra on his mistress!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sasquatch (520 days ago)

I love reading women's perspectives on men's feelings...

No offense to the ladies I know you mean well but...

If he's not gay and he's not that intersted in you.. my cell no. is 253... just kidding. Kick him to the curb girl because it will only get worse. You need to find a man who doesnt make excuses for wanting to be with you.

Trust me if we are interested in you we are ALWAYS interested in the nasty.

The only time Im not interested in getting busy with a womean who I am genuinly interested in is if...

A. I dont feel well. Even then I will try unless im REALLY sick.

Or...

B. I am seriously tired from too much work or jetlag, and again I mean FOR REAL-seriously- majorly-busted exhausted.

I know that the only times I've not been interested and tried to avoid sex is when Im losing interest or I am interested in someone else already. I dont want to be harsh or make you sad but dont you want to be with someone who wants you and cant get enough. Like you are the oxygen he needs to survive? "Your poonany is my heroin and I need it or Ill get the shakes-I dont care if we are late we can do it right here in the taxi before we go in to this big dinner party?" Come on! thats how you want to be wanted. You deserve to be wanted. And somebody else out there will want you that way if he doesnt. The longer you hang with this guy the more it will kill your confidence.

Be free, go forth and be wanted! It will hurt right now but then you will be happy you did it.

Sasquatch

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Aulelei (520 days ago)

"your poonany is my heroin and i need it or ill get the shakes"

Love it! I'm a female but have to agree with Sasquatch above. Had a similar experience with a past relationship, which ended cos he had too may issues to deal with and it was taxing my self esteem. Been with my bf now for 2 years and have never looked back...

"be free, go forth and be wanted!" :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by LMOPQ (520 days ago)

Hi. Sandwich,
I cannot help. I am very bad on manage this...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tyro (519 days ago)

Sandwich, ask him what's going on, communication is never a bad idea. But my guess is that you probably already have your answer.

Move on and saying to yourself, "His loss".

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by reallylost (519 days ago)

Did he literally say that he is not interested in girls? Then he's gay, and probably cheating on you.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by marieantoinette (519 days ago)

Hmm, I agree with all of the above but to reallylost, in the past I too thought someone was gay for not wanting me that way, but that was a little bigheaded on my part...maybe he just wasn't that into me!! frustrating as hell though, especially if they still want to share a bed!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (518 days ago)

If you're not gay, you won't say "I'm not interested 'in girls'".

My gf's ex was gay and she never suspected until he left her for a man. It happens.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by stylejj (518 days ago)

Here's the story about me and my ex-bf. It was all brilliant in the beginning of our relationship. We were so much physically attracted to each other (both former models). However, after we moved in together four months later, we only had sex two or three times a week (both mid-20s). He's like all the investment bankers who got up at 7am and came back after 9pm. During the weekdays, he was way too exhausted to think of sex. And more and more, the situation became like a routine. Even when he was off work for one month, we only had hot sex frequently during vacations in the hotel. Nothing's changed when we were back home. I talked to him about it many many times. Eventually he concluded that there's no explanation whatsoever. I had to believe him because I could tell how hard he also tried to solve the problem with lack of intimacy and to save the negatively affected relationship.

Less than a year later, we broke up due to the incompatible personalities or whichever. We met each other a few times afterwards. Everytime he was acting like a teenage boy always getting turned on second later he saw me regardless how tired he was.

What could I say? The motivation of having sex was the key in my case. Sad but true.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sandwich (518 days ago)

To stylejj, it is very much like my case. The daily routine really kills intimacy and honestly I see the relationship is dying. What's more, he doesn't really care about it. We live together and when it comes to this new year holiday, he said he needs a break. So I went back to my parents house. And all the way through this holiday, five days till now, he didn't even think of contacting me, and we hadn't met for even one time. What can I say? I know I am not bad looking, at least, not worse looking than I used to. But he doesn't care a sh*t about it anymore. Maybe it is like what they said "treat them mean, keep them keen."

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by stylejj (518 days ago)

Sandwich, I guess neither of us would be able to "treat them mean, keep them keen" unless we don't care about the relationship. Based on the extension of my story which looks very much like what you are going through now, your relationship will end soon... I am sorry. If you can take the active role and tell him he's right that you are better off, you will feel much better afterwards. But if you are just another silly girl like me, you'll probably try and beg. Either way he's coming back to you or not, you will hate yourself for doing that. The worst is you will even hate him deeper and deeper for treating you like that. How could you be happy if there's such a hatred in your heart? I was devastated when he broke up with me not because I loved him so much but because I felt being fooled, betrayed and vulnerable. It is the pride and ego doing the wonder. So when there's last piece left on the chessboard, it's up to you to take it now.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (517 days ago)

Having gone through an emotionally abusive relationship with an extreme narcissist, I will never again be "kept keen" by someone mean. The minute a new girlfriend starts treating me mean, it will cal to mind that torture, and she will be given a last warning, then out on the doorstep.

Of course, provisions are made for bad moods, but having been through purposeful "meanness" I will definitely know haw to recognize it in the future.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by marieantoinette (517 days ago)

It's funny you say that poor man, as come to think of it, the partner I thought could have been gay, was actually a total narcissist too and I never came up to scratch. No matter what I did, he'd tell me what to wear, how to act, but moulding me into what he wanted, didn't arouse him sufficiently to consummate the relationship (again, my fault apparently!)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zelda (517 days ago)

i never stopped desiring men i was sexually attracted to. On the other hand i got easily bored with men who were 'perfect on paper but lacked that "je ne sais quoi'. I don't want to sound negative, but i was never too tired for sex with some men, but with others i needed the romance, the candlelight dinner, the 5-star hotel, they really had to go out of their way to turn me on.

I still believe that the best sex is effortless. It is as easy as breathing. And without it, you die inside.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by naima (516 days ago)

Being intimate is one of the major factor that keeps the relationship going although some couples manage to survive without having it too often.

So why don't you try doing these things:

A. Give him a massage.
B. Try to have some vacation.
C. Surprise him with a one hot number and say "I want you so badly!".

If nothing works then its either that there's something physically wrong or he is not into you anymore.

If you cant stand the fact that he is not into this thing anymore then its better to move on.

*wow sasquatch, you're the man!

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Sasquatch (516 days ago)

LOL, thnx Naima. I have to say it sounds like you know how to keep your man happy. Is that...

D. Compliment him on his masculinity?

Too bad I spend so much time in GZ. Hong Kong is starting to sound interesting.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by naima (516 days ago)

I dont think D would help.

I will miss this place! I will be back there in a few days and I am not really looking forward to it!

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by sandwich (513 days ago)

We had a long talk about it. I think he is really over stressed by his work. I noticed when we get some holiday off, he seems to become better. But still, thanks for all your advices!

(I am based in Shanghai)