can't get ex-wife out of my mind

Posted by lyricstreet (516 days ago)

I have lived with my boyfriend for 4 years and we recently got engaged. We have known each other for much longer. He is divorced and has 2 kids from the previous marriage. he has no contact at all with his ex wife except for when arrangements are made to pick up or drop of the kid. Even then it is always by email or text since they never talk directly. He is always open to me and allows me to see any of this communication.

Sometimes in the emails the ex wife writes stuff which makes me upset. For example she would say in the email that the kids (who are 8 yrs and 11yrs) complain that there father talks to much to me and that they feel neglected. I don't know whether this is the truth or not, but I can't get it out of my mind.

He says that he has no control over what sh writes and says that I should just ignore this stuff and trust him to handle it. He has always been open and honest to me as well as loving and caring. But this thing bugs me like hell.

I am therefore thinking that I should make he choose between me and his kids so that there will never be any need for him to have any sort of contact. I wonder if anyone else has had this dilemma.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by voiceofreason (516 days ago)

i can guarantee you that if you give him this ultimatum, it will be a case of "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it".

that is a very bad move, lyricstreet - don't do it.

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by zalca (516 days ago)

i agree- no parent in their right mind would choose in the girlfriend's favour.

and i think it's wrong of you to ask him to do that actually. i feel for you in this situation but unfortunately this man is not without baggage. you either have to accept it or leave the relationship. he sounds as though he's reassurring you as much as possible. trust him. at least you don't have to speak to his wife. :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by southstand (516 days ago)

I would tend to agree with both voiceofreason and zalca. I think it would be a bad move on your part.

You should be thankful that he is so honest with you. If you give him an ultimatum you may loose that and a lot more!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by marieantoinette (516 days ago)

You knew he had kids when you started up with him! take him as a whole package or find someone childless who can give you the attention you need...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by pinolino (516 days ago)

Why don't you know it is true or not? (that he talks more with you then the kids when they are around) Seems you do not interact with the children well!? If you would, it might make everyone more "happy" and you would not even think about such an ultimatum.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by addis (516 days ago)

lyricstreet,

marieantoinette has put it very well and...
thank your stars that
1) he is so transparent with you
2) his ex is not meddlesome, otherwise.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Evabeva (516 days ago)

It's appalling that you would even consider making your b/f choose between his children and you, just so you can feel a bit more comfortable. If you can't accept his children as an on-going aspect of his life, then you shouldn't proceed with a marriage. Actually, his children need him more than you do. I would hope that if you put this ultimatium to him, that he would dump you on the spot.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by My Hong Kong (516 days ago)

Here are the priorities:

1. Children
2. Work
3. You!

Now, being 3rd in that list doesn't mean that you should suffer from lack of attention. People can share their time and attention between the three.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (515 days ago)

Can I recommend the website:
www.childlessstepmoms.com

I think this will prove more helpful than anything i helping you with your situation.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sheep (515 days ago)

As a parent, however much i loved a partner my kids would come first as thats my blood my responsability above anything else however much i loved my partner, if you ask this im afraid you would loose everything.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Aulelei (515 days ago)

would you really want to be responsible for his children growing up without a father, in the (unlikely) event that he does choose you over his kids? be thankful that he is open and honest with you about everything. he's asking you to trust him, why dont you?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mpl (part deux) (514 days ago)

Quite possibly the most selfish posting I have ever read on this site. Would like to offer something constructive but am struggling to think of anything. Clearly you seem content playing the victim role when infact the real victims in this are the kids.

Your idea of an ultimatum making him choose between you and the kids ranks up there with the most callous plans I have heard of. People like you have no business being around children or being in a relationship with a man who has children. Based on your posting you appear to have neither the intelligence or the tolerance required for the situation.

Pumpkin suggested a website - go and check it out and find your soul.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ozone (514 days ago)

The kids feel jealous of you and want more time alone with their Dad. Very understandable, happens all the time with split families and the ex-wife was very correct to pass on the children's feeling to the guy so he is aware of it and can do something if necessary.

Is this an issue to offer an ultimatum over? I think not. Is it an issue to be annoyed over? I think not.

You will never be the ex-wife's favourite person but she sounds like one of the least worst ones around.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (514 days ago)

Agree with mpl. Your selfishness is really shocking.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by marigold (514 days ago)

lyricstreet,
We all appreciate your honesty. But you must admit what you thinking is not that of mature woman.

Some advice:

1)Your insecurity will not be helped by him dumping his kids or any other external factors. It is a problem deep within yourself. You need to resolve it yourself. Depending on others to make you feel more secure (by doing stuff or through never-ending demands for reassurances) is something that never works in the long run. At the end of the day, you will still feel insecure with yourself no matter what and in fact, this insecurity will just worsen with time and old age. Moreover, your partner will eventually get fed up.

2)Feeling secure with yourself comes from knowing your own self worth-- unfortunately there is no other way. It is up to you (not others) to develop it. Self worth only comes from doing things for yourself and having real substance (overcoming obstacles, building yourself into person with talents and unique qualities, etc).

3) Try putting yourself in your boyfriends shoes. Imagine if you were the one with kids and your boyfriend was the one getting upset with you for trying to be a good mom. Or if that is too much of a stretch, try to imagine if you boyfriend demanded that you ceased all contact with your parents and friends. I think that you can easily see how quickly you would grow to resent this person.

4) The odds of your boyfriend choosing you over his kids is quite miniscule (unless he is a total deadbeat---one of those guys who is wanted for 6 states for child support back-payments). If you are serious about getting married, I suggest that you try your best to embrace his kids rather than compete with them. (Also, would it really kill you to get along with the ex-wife? She doesn't sound that bad-- any mom would be concerned that her kids weren't getting enough quality time with their father.)

4) Bottom line is that it is you that has to change. If you don't, most people would put their money on him dumping somewhere down the line (maybe not next week or even in the next decade-- but someday). I have seen it a million times.

Good luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MayC (513 days ago)

Lyricstreet, I think we can all understand how you feel - it's always nice to have a partner who's not tied to the past but unfortunately, this world isn't perfect.

Try looking at it in another perspective. If you had been the one with kids, would you not want your ex-husband to be there for his kids?

When I was about to give birth to my first child, they prepared four packs of blood for me in case I needed a transfusion (I had a complicated pregnancy). And the dr said that in the unlikely event that something goes wrong, he would save the mother first. And I said, "No, you save my child first". And then I said to my husband, "I wouldn't mind if you remarry but the only one thing you owe me is to be there for our child and love her for the rest of your life". Thankfully everything went well and I'm here....

But this goes to show just how important children are to any parent. It would be unfair to separet them. I look at my little girl now and she needs both hubby and me.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Tidings2 (513 days ago)

I feel floored by the original post. It seems impossible for me to believe a woman would even dream of that idea.

I'd say counseling is in order.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mhabitat (497 days ago)

Lyricstreet,

After you've gone to counseling as suggested by Tidings2, please let us know how it went. I'm in a similar situation as your boyfriend!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (497 days ago)

Wonder why the kids would complain about something like that? Is it the case that Lyricsstreet is jealous of the kids and hence hogging Dad's talktime when they are over?

I am sorry, I have to agree with mpl, made me cringe to think that someone could be so selfish and immature as to expect her bf of 4 years to make a choice between her or his kids.

Lyricstreet - your insecurities shouldnt have to be his kids baggage! Your bf is with you. His ex wife is his EX for a reason. They may get along great now, but use your noggin, its coz they are NOT together! I am...wow, I am just flabbergasted that you have been with (and supposedly love) this man of yours and you could be that daft as to say what you are.

To be jealous of the ex wife or even the kids, although understandable...the best advice you can get is "Get over it!"

As a divorcee and a single parent, I know anyone I am with will have to love/get along with my kid. If not, it aint going to work out. How much effort have you made to be a good role model and caregiver for his kids? Or do you wash your hands off them, ignore them and spend your time hogging daddys talk time? Just saying...I am curious to know what your relationship with the kids is like that you wouldnt miss them if you were to tell him to chose you over them...it cant be that great. My partner loves my kid and would be heartbroken if he were to lose me or the kidlet.

Where is your heart?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (497 days ago)

>mhabitat - if you are in the same situation as the posters bf and your gf is giving you an ultimatum...pfff, you know what to tell her "Get over it" Divorce, kids, having a past...its part of living life. If people wish to bury their head in the sand and think "Me, me, me" then they can do that flying solo!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Moppet (497 days ago)

I find your posting incredible,
You would not believe what my husband and I have been through over the past 7 years due to his ex and her manipulation of us because they have kids together.
The mother has broken our hearts over and over again trying to use us to get what she wants but all the time keeping the kids from us. After 7 Years of this we still do everything we can to try and have the girls in our lives in some small way sending them cards letters, postcards gifts and clothes all the time without even knowing if they receive any of them.

You clearly are a selfish person who is happy for kids to grown up without a father to satisfy your own sense of insecurity. I hope you do give this guy the ultimatum and he kicks you too touch before he has to live with the consequences of marrying such a selfish un caring person. .

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by voiceofreason (497 days ago)

i'm almost hoping lyricstreet did give her bf - who sounds like a gem - that ultimatum, so he could see her for the selfish person she really is, and dump her before she sabotages his relationship with his children.

lyricstreet, my ex husband dumped two gf's when he realized how much our son disliked them, and how unstable and selfish they really were, ie would have been a detrimental presence in our son's life. (my ex's friends disliked them too...feeling protective of ex and our son.)

the first time my last bf whinged about not being the absolute top priority in my life all the time, i loved him a little less.... the second time he did it - i knew the end was nigh.

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (497 days ago)

Not a peep out of the poster.

Hmmm....

>Moppet - I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. I know a lot of people (myself included) who have had to deal with messed-in-the-head, manipulative ex's...and yes, its pretty hard to handle, hoo boy its hard. Matter of fact, a friend of mine a while back, his ex-wife did exactly the same thing as the woman you are talking about, ouch. He will probably never see his kids again. Still, my advise to him was "do what you can and live with the hope that one day they will reach out on their own".

I hope lyricstreet reads the messages on here loud and clear and learns what she needs to before its too late. If anything at all, she will figure out more about herself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Moppet (497 days ago)

Thanks Justin Credible

It's a pity people don't think more about their kids and less about themselves
Some of the stuff my husbands x has done I’d struggle to believe myself if I hadn’t gone through it all myself with him.

I agree with your advise to your friend all he can do is keep trying but live his life too or his ex is wining on that count too.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mrs Miggins (496 days ago)

Jesus

Kids need a Dad around and he sounds like a great one. I can see where his kids are coming from. Even though I am a grown up my Dad's girlfriend who is 70 years old (and should know better) has always tried to sabotage our relationship. E.g. she gets all jealous when I am around and tries to take over the conversation etc. Once we were in a shop in Port Douglas and my Dad wanted to buy me an Xmas present so I picked out a really nice bikini and he paid for it. She then went around the shop picking things out and went to the cash desk. She asked my Dad if he was going to pay for them and he just said not now and walked away. I was really embarrassed. Basically she wants me to know that she is no. 1, not me. There have been a few times when I have wanted to tell him "me or her" but I would never do that because it would hurt my beloved Dad. As a widow he needs company. My Dad is not so stupid though. He told us kids that he would never marry her as if something happened to him she is not getting his estate. That said, if my Dad was with a lovely woman I would not mind them being married, however this woman is a witch.

I hope he realises what a selfish woman you are and spares the kids the pain of having to see you. If you had any brains you'd let him just go out with them on his own. They do not want to see you, they just want him. Why not just go out on your own when they are around. I would give anything just to spend one hour with my Dad alone and not have to look at his girlfriends ugly mug. I think the ex is just passing on what the kids as said. As a Mother it is your duty to do that. His ex sounds kind of cool. They may come to their senses and hopefully get back together!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (496 days ago)

Mrs. Miggins - *cringe* for your poor dad! And a double dose of *cringing* for you! oh crap, I dont know what I would do if my dad ended up with some miserable old witch that he didnt want to marry for fear she'd rob him blind. Bizzarre. (Still, made me laugh the way you put it...Kinda makes you wonder why people stay with someone that horrible, right? Maybe they have only enough "goodness" in them for one person...who knows.)

(I am based in Hong Kong)