Is my 5 year old going to be expelled from school?

Posted by salepepe (27 days ago)

The title may mislead some of you but I am very concerned about my 5 and half year old who is in P1 in an IB school.

He may be an active child but has never had tendencies to bully other kids. He has a little brother (3.5 yrs) and gets along v.well with him.

However, I recently got a letter from fr his bus-mates mother saying that my son had hit her son in the bus and didn't stop hitting him even when the other boy started cowering in his seat. Upon questioning my son, he said that the boy was irritating him by poking him in the neck. And he said he def did not continue beating him but just lashed his hand out and caught the other boy on his forehead.

I somehow feel compelled to believe him as the bus mother reacts very quickly when she senses a skirmish about to happen (I have seen her in action as I have been on that bus a few times)

Today, when I picked my son off the school bus, I saw this same boy with a plaster on his upper lip. My heart sank and I immediately questioned my son who said there was an accident in school when they were lining up for lunch and this boy was unfortunately in the way when my son pulled his friend to hasten him, and fell and grazed his upper lip. I am sure rather than writing me another letter, his mother is going straight to school to complain

I was so upset with him as it is now twice that this boy has been hurt in my son's company and it is too much of a coincidence. Anyhow, I felt some punishment was due so I will not be giving him pocket money (I was planning to give him $10 as he wanted to buy a drink at the canteen).

Imagine my shock when he tells me that he does not need money to get a drink from the canteen. He basically had taken a bottle of something and did not pay for it! I just cannot believe it as he knows that this is wrong and he completely understands the concept of stealing (only too well now apparently!).

I do not smack as a rule, but was so tempted to lay a hard one across his cheek. I do not know what to do. What is my child turning out to be?!

Anyone who has or has not experienced this, pls advice me. I am at my tethers' end!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by RA (26 days ago)

My heart goes out to you. It is difficult being a parent and especially in your position. I do not know what nationality you belong too, but in Asian cultures, most of us do believe in smacking when necessary. I am a mom of 2 (7 and 4), though have never gone thru such extreme situations, really can imagine the hard place you are in now. I would suggest you speak to your son's class teacher first and find out if these are the only cases or if there are more to it. Accidents do happen. Once you speak to the teacher you would know if your kid is acting out in other ways (verbal etc).If he is, you need to really speak to him and find out the cause. As for the pocket money, I think he is too young to understand the value of money, but then again I am a strict parent. Regarding his punishment of no pocket money, I think it is too mild. You son needs to understand the gravity of hitting someone , even by accident. Just imagine if the situations were reversed, and your son was the one with all the injuries.
Pls remember, you are the parent, at his age he does not need a 'friend' in you, he needs a parent who is authorative and can guide , support , love and show him the right direction.
All the best!

p.s. regarding the kid who gets beaten up, I suggest your son apologises to him. You should also apologise for your son's behaviour to his mom. If they are in the same class, why not call him for a play date?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (26 days ago)

i would go farther. i would make him "write" a note or card of apology.

other than that, i agree with everything written above.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by aussieinla (26 days ago)

Question to me is why is it ok for the kid to be poking your son in the neck and not expect any repercussion from his actions? I am always lost on this subject as I believe that it is irrelevant of intent of your actions but how the other person perceives your actions mean. I have a friend who’s 6 year old was booted out of school because he was perceived as the bully but when investigated was found to be the original victim of harassment and was replying the only way he knew how to make it stop. I don’t have kids myself but I have seen enough of this sort of thing over the years with the kid which sugar wouldn’t meld in the mouth around mum, start annoying the hell out of the kid sitting reading a book and when the book reading kid fights back he or she is the bad guy.
Only my 2 cents and sorry if people don’t accept my opinion.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by RA (26 days ago)

Adding to my post above, your child should be told that there is a reason why there are bus 'mothers' on the bus. If he was being poked about or teased in any manner, he should complain to the bus mother and not take things in his own hands.If the other kid is not reprimanded, he should tell you or some other authority in school. Once you talk to the teachers, they will realise that you take this seriously and are actually concerned about your and the other kid. Inviting the other kid for a play date would be a step forward in friendship to the mom and her son.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by punter (26 days ago)

A parent's role is to teach. If one way doesn't work, find another way. It's not good either to question your way of teaching your kid, however it pays to compare notes with other parents (as what you're doing by posting here).

Some kids mend their ways just by "talk". Some needs more than just talk - grounding by not being able to eat his favorite food, watch TV, play his computer games, etc. As the parent you would know to which kind of discipline your child responds best. I hope things turn out well for you and your kid not kicked out of school.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cd (25 days ago)

I agree with aussieinla to a certain extent. I had a similar thing with my child, although a lot older, he was the one being termed the 'bully'. We eventually got to the bottom of it, to find that he had been getting nasty text messgaes from the person in question, so did something mean in return. He didn't want to apologise, as he claimed the other person started it, and hadn't been asked to apologise, but I made him write a letter apologising, but stating that he had only done it because he was so hurt by the things that had been sent to him. From speaking to other parents I found many kids that had been distressed by things this person had done to them, but because they always complained to the school they were always believed over the 'victims'.
But definately talk to your sons teacher, maybe there is something going on at school that is upsetting him,Make sure your son doesn't get seated next to this boy on the bus, hopefully that'll stop another incident on the bus. But definately punish him for the stealing. Go into the school canteen with him, make him pay the money for the drink and apologise to the staff at the very least.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by AKKY (25 days ago)

Just a comment for aussieinla who wrote:

"Question to me is why is it ok for the kid to be poking your son in the neck and not expect any repercussion from his actions? I am always lost on this subject......"

I know it is in our instinct to fight back after being provoke but can you image what it will be like if this happens in our adult world? Think of it this way if our colleague stole something (eg an item) from us do we steal something back from them? or do we report to the police instead? the answer - report them and not steal ourselve. Another e.g. If our colleague hit or punch us in the face do we report or fight back? In law whoever hits first gets the sentence. Do you get what i mean?
So what i'm saying is if the kids dont understand this idea they can never understand it and controll themselve when they become adults.

Should teach our kids to report all provocation to the teacher first and then if that doesn't work tell us about it and we can work things out with the school.

Just my 2 cents too

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MayC (25 days ago)

I have to agree with Akky. My 5 year old daughter came home to share incidents at school whereby a boy spat on her and a girl smacked her hand. Luckily, I told her at the start of the year that if somebody hurts her, she should speak to her teacher immediately and she did that with both occasions. She told me that her teacher helped her by speaking to those children.

I understand that sometimes the victim reacts to the bully and gets into trouble for it. That is why it is so important to teach them the right way to react. I have told my daughter that if her teacher does not help her, come to me and I'll call her teacher. I am a little frustrated at times though because she approaches her teachers over small matters.

So now I tell her to talk to the person she's having a conflict with first to try to resolve the issue. If that doesn't work, ask a teacher to help. If that doesn't work, talk to me. I told her that it isn't okay to hit or yell at someone and if that happens, she will be punished as well.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by aussieinla (25 days ago)

AKKY, I don't explain my self very well so for that i am sorry. My question is that the OP is focusing on how to deal with her son for hitting the other kid which is the right thing to do but I don't see comment or questions about offering to help resolve his situation. Until the support is offered and delivered when a situation is reported and action is taken then torment stops, the son will continue to react in the similar fashion but do it in a way he doesn't get caught.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MayC (25 days ago)

Aussieinla, or another way to look at it is preventing the "hitting" to occur in the first place instead of "curing" the situation. Meaning, if the OP's son is able to seek help out of this helpless situation, he may not have resorted to hitting.

If I were the OP, I would go to the school and request to see the teacher with her son. Then I would say to the son, "If someone hurts you again, your teacher Mr/Mrs xxxx will help you. However if you play up, you too will be disciplined".

Kids are still learning how to behave in this society, even the bullies. It's up to us to teach them how to behave appropriately at such a tender age.

I do agree though that if I was placed in the same situation as the OP, I would find it really tough.

Even with my daughter at school, I don't know how much I should believe her that it isn't her fault. I only hope that the teacher who is able to talk to both parties is able to help resolve the conflict if the kids cannot solve it themselves.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nuri (23 days ago)

My sister was always teaching her daughter to be a nice girl, not to fight verbally or physically, with other kids. Now, at the age of 8, she is been bullied on a regular basis. She cannot stand up for herself as she is worried that she would hurt other kid's feelings, after all, mommy has been teaching not to fight. Talking to the teacher helps when unpleasant situations arise in class. However, there are plenty of opportunities for a bully to pick on his/her "victim" when the teacher cannot see it or when it is difficult to prove the bully's actions. As a result, the girl is rather vulnerable and helpless. My sister asks herself a question: "What would be better for her daughter in current situation--to stand up for herself no matter what and get in trouble or to be bullied remaining a nice and polite girl?" It's a tough question.

(I am based in Hong Kong)