Posted by
Macarena
15 yrs ago
I have been having my suspicions for some time now and have approached my husband and was told that I was paranoid. OUr intimacy has declined alot in last few years, I know he loves me but dont feel like I satisfy him anymore. How will I ever know the truth of what he does when he's away. Please help!
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The simple answer to your question is that you do not, and cannot, know for sure whether or not your husband is faithful.
You have a choice - either trust him at his word, or think seriously about whether or not you might be happier to end the marriage.
Nobody can live in a situation of on-going distrust.
However, you might be reassured to know that people in the most secure of marriages can have changing levels of sexual activity and interest over the years. It can certainly happen that a man can lose interest to some extent in the sexual side of marriage - if this is the case, it does not necessarily mean that he is unfaithful. It might just mean that his sexual drive is decreasing.
How long is it since you went away for a romantic two week holiday somewhere nice?
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hes a pilot, yes hes cheating.
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you wouldn't know if he's cheating. you simply just have to trust him or your instinct.
though i agree with kanevast. if he's a pilot, he's probably cheating.
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Macarena
How old are you guys?
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Sounds like the responses are all coming from women like the character Meryl Streep played in "Doubt". Give the man a chance, how can you say that because he is a pilot, he is cheating Kanevast and Chungwan? You sound like a pair venomous harridans! Perhaps on the other hand you speak from experience though, and forgive me if I am in fact wrong, perhaps you have both chanced to have indulged in relations with married pilots?
Macarena, take it with a pinch of salt, take some advice from Woods99, beware of the Expat Harridans, usually a bunch of over indulged, shop till ya drop, gossipaholics, whoose husbands only solace is the escape to the Wanchai girlie bars in the wee hours.
If the guy is a pilot, why not travel with him occasionally. Its an easy way to get away together on a frequent basis.
Think positive and make the guy want you!
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Macarena, I don't want to scare you, but i have to tell you this.
Both times my ex-partner called me paranoid, she was cheating.
When your partner calls you paranoid, you are right.
I'm sure of it.
If you have that feeling inside of you, then you are right.
Don't doubt yourself.
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My bf is also a pilot, so should I be worrying? Although he's not western, not middle age. But to be honest, I still worry sometimes when he is not around...............
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You can only trust him or break up. There is really nothing in between.
Spice up your sex live with something new: new styles, new locations,
waxing, piercings, so many options...
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Sorry, however from my experience working with people that are separating or divorcing, it is rare that a spouse (a husband or a wife) are suspecting without any grounds.
Of course there are cases like that however you have to decide if you trust your husband or you trust your guts feeling.
However the most important thing to consider is: Do you understand / know / take into consideration the consequences of your suspicious – weather it is true or false? the consequences for your family, children, financial, career etc?
Do you really want to know the truth? Why? what will you benefit out of it?
However: I believe that before you know if your husband is cheating you need to know the signs to look for.
Here are the few signs from clients:
• The “suspected cheating spouse” looks better than usual, paying closer attention to their personal appearance, looking brighter and lighter in spirits, has a smile on the lips and a song in the heart
• You will probably notice a change in the amount of attention that your spouse is showing to you - It could be that the attention increases (easing guilty conscience) and then it stops - once conscience is sufficiently hardened – he/she will pull away from both you and the rest of the family.
• What the experts say: Behavior is another way in which you might confirm that something is not quite right. You may notice him getting up and leaving for work earlier, taking an extended lunch, wanting to spend more time with the "boys", and so on.
• Is your spouse avoiding you in bed? Faking tiredness more often than seems necessary to believe?
• Daily behaviors are changed, maybe getting up and leaving for work earlier, taking an extended lunch, wanting to spend more time with friends, (“boys"/”girls”).
• Over protective of the cellular phone and erasing the cellular history and text messages.
• Over protective of the computers, shutting the computer down/changing screen suddenly when you enter the room.
• Sneak time on the phone - while at home with the family.
• Are there too many phone calls coming in - Too many "wrong numbers" to the house.
• Lost in thoughts – he/she always appears deep in thought as though remembering somebody or some incident.
The signs of a cheating party vary from individual to individual, but they often run in the same circles.
I hope that you will find out that you were suspicious for no reason and you will be able to relax and have better life.
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nom
15 yrs ago
he's pilot ? ok def. he's cheating.
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Why CX TLWalther? So I don't need to worry about my bf??hehehe
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Such cr@p that just because he is a pilot he is cheating! Cheaters are everywhere and anyone who travels a lot for work has a greater opportunity to cheat.
Agree with Ray - go with your gut and how he is acting around you. You need to be able to trust him if you want to try and stay together.
And TLWalther - if the hosties don't go out when on layovers and just stay in the hotel, isn't that worse for fuelling affairs???
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Why do people assume that pilots must be cheating?
Just learn to trust him or at least try and talk with him without coming up with accusations. Maybe he is just feeling tired.
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strange question perhaps. but does it matter? if he is "cheating" by having sex with some women while travelling but still loves you and does not bring that or any dangers into the house with him...
if he was cheating and you never suspected, would it lesson your relationship?
decreased intimacy? why not try to change your habits and entice him? maybe he is bored.
why do people get so hung up on this subject?
why are people so willing to assume the worst?
applause to "woods", "tutor" etc for intelligent responses
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Rasbro,
I am guessing, but you sound like a male. Females care more about trust and fidelity in a relationship, generally. Plus, in the case we are talking about, the female is stuck at home while the male is flying around the world in the company of a bunch of pretty attractive younger rivals.
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intelligent responses because they are comforting? come on, this isn't an ideal world...she posted, she should be able to deal with the responses, however disconcerting they may be.
And yes, Whitemischief, i was speaking from experience...and no, I dont have a pair of b*obs.
TLW, I would not bet on your assumption.
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Pilots in Hong Kong, with few exceptions, are out on the hunt for women whenever the opportunity arises. They dont feel or act like married men when they are on stop over but feel separated (by geography usually).
Casual sex is so easy to come by, they find it difficult to pass it by and see it as one of the perks of the job. That's the reality and something you should factor into any long term serious relationship with a pilot.
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"If he is a pilot, he cheats."
A very immature phrase. Just because you know one pilot who cheated does not mean that all of them are cheaters. If a doctor accidentally gives a patient the wrong medicine and dies, will you stop going to any doctor because he can do the same? Do not generalize. Your misfortune with your unfaithful pilot husband may not be the same with the others'. Some men are faithful and some are just itchy and should not be trusted. If your husband's job calls him to be away most of the time why worry about him being unfaithful to you? Why don't you think of what you can do together once he's back? Keep yourself busy, play a sport, go out with friends, learn how to cook, read a book. so many things to do instead of worrying if he is cheating or not. Sometimes people cheat because you get so jealous and you actually push them to cheat. Make your man feel that he married the best, the most beautiful, the most gorgeous, the most loving woman in the world and you will never worry about him cheating on you.
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Men like cheating no matter they are Pilot or not....
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I'm married to a pilot and I trust him to.
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I have a friends who are pilots and they have women throwing themselves at them constantly. If you are saying that you don't really get intimate anymore, and he's only human, then you can assume that he's getting it somewhere.......
It's true and it's bad news but that's the way of the world.
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Some men really love their wives but they STILL cheat. Some men do their best to care, respect and protect their wives in their daily lives and STILL cheat.
It warms my heart when I hear of a man standing on his principle to his marriage vows & not giving in to temptation & cool enough to think of the consequence that it will hurt his spouse & change their lives if he gives in to a moment's pleasure. There are some of these strong men out there - very rare indeed! Sad but it is the fact.
Also, don't let appearance deceive you, some husbands who seem to be goody goody are the ones that go off the track.
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Yep, he's cheating but only physically 'cause he always flys back to you :-)
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Totally gone off the topic...
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HA HA ... he is a PILOT .... why do you ask such questions?? of course he is cheating!! ha ha girls, you like guys like this, pilot, successful manager, but it comes with a price, and that is those guys have other girls!! accept the reality! if you want a true man, than you might have to look for a more average, not so handsome, not so rich guy.
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You are wrong there livingshanghai - even a more average, not so handsome, not so rich guy cheats - that would definitely hurt the wife more as somehow it's not expected of him from your point of view.
A true man should be described as a person with a strong personality on principle who can fulfill his vows to the woman he chooses to marry.
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moral compass removed at birth from LGMV...ha ha ha...I guess you are right there!
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I know this is an ancient thread but what the who....I truly believe you have to treat each individual as precisely that. Sure there are some pedophile priests out there but there are countless good ones too, it's just the bad ones that get the press.
My husband is a pilot and I've been around their type for years. I believe he's one of the ones with integrity and know many of his colleagues who I would put in the same pile but I know plenty of others who are rotten. I've even had 2 of them make physical advances on me and another persistently drunk dialing me and only giving up when I told him I would tell his wife if he didn't cut it out.
Cheats are everywhere in all fields, male and female, gay and straight....you have to trust.
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I don't mean to critize anyone here, but what I got from the post is you are trying to rationalize the behaviour of being unfaithful. And, it's strange/unfair to think your partner is doing the same.
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simoness
You have been a pilot for just 9 years and are the Captain?Does not make sense. Cathay or Dragonair hire very experienced pilots.
You only land the plane 4 x per month. The rest of the time it lands itself, or the FO or other crew member lands it?
Whose the other crew member who lands your plane? A flight attendant, a passenger....?
You sound like a pilot wannabe. If you are a pilot ( and I doubt it ) your attitude could kill a lot of people!
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made captain in < 9 years ? Well, could be true in an air freight operation, in which case the other crew member could even be a monkey escaped from one of the crates down the back. (in jest)
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Adele78 - why didn't you tell your husband?
Agree - Simoness prob pretends he's a pilot in bars, flies a kite....
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Stratos,
I do tell my husband whenever anyone comes on to me, we don't have secrets. On a few occasions it's been that he's away on a long haul flight and I'm out with a bunch of my girlfriends and their husbands...as the night wears on and we lose a few partiers from bar to bar we end up as a smaller group. By 3am a lot of people forget their morals! One time I was dancing with a friend's husband (he is my husband's colleague as well) and he pulled me to him and tried to kiss me. I said 'nuh-uh' and his reply was 'c'mon, who's going to know?'. Another time another friend's husband/husband's colleague and I had been sitting and chatting for 10 mins when he suggested we lose the others and go somewhere a little more private (I don't think he meant to Ebeneezer's for a kebab somehow!). Other times when my husband has been out with that guy, he's been pretty rotten (my hubby tells me a few eyebrow raising stories!) but he's not an exception. It's not my place to dob them in but in one case, I have a good girlfriend whose husband has strayed many times that I know of, and I actually confronted him and said that my loyalty lies with her so unless he wants trouble from me I'd better not find out about any more or his antics. He has been very frosty since (understandably) but I still like her and only see her either alone or just with our kids.
tommytommy, simoness never said he's been a pilot for 9 years in HK. He may have 5 years of experience from somewhere else and say 4 here (pretty typical time frame to get enough hours to apply for Cathay or Dragon) is probably an FO.
The long haul flights generally have 1 captain, two first officers and one second officer. The captain plus one of the FO's do landings and takeoffs so the other FO and the SO just sit by on the flight deck. The poor SO is just a relief pilot for the cruise time so they get really bored!
I don't doubt he's a pilot but he's just in it for the money by the sound of things and doesn't enjoy the flying. It's a shame for him that he doesn't speak passionately about his job and discourages others to join. The more passionate someone is about their job, the more likely they are to excel and less likely they'll go down in the books as the one who caused the 'pilot error'!
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Adel78. I went to Ebeneezer's for a kebab and it was extremely private.
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Hi Adele78, I sent you a PM.
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Haha, flying a kite! That was a good one!
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If his name is Stephen Buckman he is cheating. Has many women in the states he scamms out of money.
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reei
13 yrs ago
before marriage ,keep your eyes wide open,
after marriage, keep them half shut.
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read this
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/what-is-buzzing/cathay-pacific-investigates-aircraft-sex-photos-082545731.html
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Flight Attendant has been fired, and when the identify the pilot, he is gone too.
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coty
13 yrs ago
The pilots i know aren't too discriminate.
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It's quite possible that a Dragonair pilot joining as a cadet nine years ago would be a Captain now.
The Cathay Pilot and the Cabin crew were both single and an item. Both are no longer in the employ of Cathay Pacific.
I'm a pilot (well behaved!) and I would say the instances of pilots cheating on their wives down route are far less than the wives would imagine. What I find interesting is the number of pilot's wives who cheat on their husbands while the husbands are away!
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This thread is hilarious!! How many of you that claim all pilots are cheaters, actually have any credible evidence that this has happened to someone you know? Anyone? Didn't think so. Check out some of the bankers traveling to destinations outside of HK, then get back to me about infidelity. Hilarious!!
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check out rapper edison chen, all chicks throw themselves on him. I envy him!!!
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Most married pilots I know, and they are quite a few, spend their time during the layover in their rooms reading books and watching movies. Doing anything else is the furthest thing from their minds. Their life is just not as glamorous as most people think.
Not saying this is a statistically representative sample, but I agree with dbchippy. Saying pilots in general cheat is a bit of an... ahem... generalization.
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What? Is it only men who "cheat"? Do you not realize that women stray almost, or more than men? Are you not aware that monogamy is an unnatural act to begin with and that biology rules in mammales? Yes, there are some men who have very low libido's but that's just how it goes. Just get it: men, and women, are simply not hard wired to stay with one partner for life. And marriage, by the way is nothing more than a social experiment--mainly for the purpose of the passage of land and wealth. Don't shoot the messinger--unless you just can't help it!
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I beg to differ on the whole "we are all mammals" argument, which, by the by, has been chewed like cud in the mouths of men who simply have not ever been past their teens mentally and who care more for themselves than they could value humanity.
Cows, dogs, cats, would and could breed with their siblings and possibly even their children, after all, what the hell, just mammals right?
There is more to being human, being gifted with a brain that allows one to care not only for themselves but for all living beings and nature, that has to be considered instead of this mediocre and truly caveman approach to things.
People cheat, but some have enough gumption to admit exactly why they do it, because they are unhappy, dissatisfied with their lot, or simply the type who can never be happy because they are born to make sh*t decisions at every turn.
When you are fortunate enough to know what you have (and to understand and know what is necessary to sustain and nurture what you value), you appreciate it and you understand its intrinsic value...like life, everything and everyone on this earth has some intrinsic value be it good or bad...to say you are nothing more than an animal is to value your ability to think and be rational so little that you may just as well be procreating in a cave.
And for most people on here to say things like, all bankers cheat or all pilots cheat is like saying that these men and women, most who have worked very hard to get to where they are, to support good families and lifestyles, ALL of them did that purely through coasting on their libidos and not placing any value on any of the things in their life they have worked so hard for, utter rubbish.
There are always rotten apples in every batch, but this doesnt mean the whole batch is rotten. Its about how those apples were delivered, some were strong and full of nourishment and others took their journey only to come up bruised and battered...rotten, not all to the core, but definitely some of them are. Dont judge everyone with the same scale.
For some folks monogamy rocks, for others, it doesnt, but to to say its unnatural or to use the copout of "we are mammals", mere animals, is avoiding the truth. Value for other human beings is born in a deep rooted understanding of self-respect. 2c.
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As long as there is only " phisical heating ", I don't think that is a big deal for you. As long as you still love each other, and have deep connection in thought . Men are like small boys, they like to play, when he get tired, he will come back home.
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Oh thanks, Justin. What a pompous answer that was. I was not comparing humans to cattle except to say that we as humans have a biological sex drive that all other animals also have--like breast feeding their young, etc. Most marriages exist in "quiet desperation" and sexual misery and/or bordom. This truth, rather than some theory is what marriage really is. People are afraid of the truth and all have their own values, not right or wrong.
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Thanks back atcha, baseballguy, I do apologize if I came across as pompous, I was just tucking into a healthy debate, did not mean to shoot the messenger, it was the message that I was interpreting.
And lets face it, the "quiet desperation" and sexual misery and or/boredom you refer to that plagues most marriages has more to do with the truth that people dont simply face up to the fact they may have picked the wrong partner. Its the inherent fear of being labelled a failure in the minds of others that prevents people from just calling it a day. Its totally possible, albeit rarer and rarer these days, for folks to find that someone they are perfectly matched with and hence, hard as it is to believe, perfectly willing to stay puffin-monogamous in their healthy relationships.
Not all marriages are cages of horror, and that said, not all relationships are either...but you are right about people being afraid of the truth. But the truth is more to do with caring far too much about what society thinks and knowing far too little about what makes the self tick. I have seen evidence ofsh*t marriages and I have seen evidence of some really fantastic ones, and the same (if not more) with just unmarried LTR's...lots ofsh*t ones and a number of fantastic ones...some folks just plod through the crap for a lot longer because they cant face the truth that they backed the wrong horse. I say if you want to get out of a relationship, then do...but sowing your oats all over the place and then coming back to root the wife or husband, thats just plain cowardice. And yeah, I know a few people like that too, and in my eyes, its wrong more than its right. I have said it before many a time, being careless with your own health is one thing, being reckless with someone elses...thats wrong. I think thats fair...
But thats just me...to each their own...hakuna matata and all that good stuff.
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Hi Justin--I appreciate that candid reply. Case in point, I thought I married the perfect woman 26 years ago (Chinese, I'm US) but people do change, and so I'm simply not happy in this situation. And with kids lives to consider (I have 2 wonderful ones) it's not so simple. I just don't know if I have the fortitude to go through a painful divorce and start all over at the age of 57, not to mention the financial beating I would take. It makes cheating more inviting, although I very much dislike the lack of integrity. I guess I'll just have to figure this one out myself or with the help of others. Thanks, Brian
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I hear you, and understand where you are coming from, coz truth be told, my parents have what you are talking about...although I think to a certain degree it may not be quite the same situation. For one thing, I think they may have got shortchanged on the wonderful kids thing, but if you asked them, I know my parents would both say they have three wonderful kids as a lifetime achievement award.
Do we think they would have been better off divorced? At times...but sheer selfishness made us all wish they had done it earlier instead of threatening it when they made it to 30 years together! (They are still, well, my Dad at least) very much in love after 40 years together. But my personal view where my opinions come from are based on my father rooting around during their marriage and my mother eventually getting cervical cancer from the HPV he brought home with him...it didnt end up surfacing until she was in her 50's so imagine how this shook the whole family.
Financially they would have both been fine if they just divvied it all up and went their separate ways, but my Mother is waaaaay better at being alone than my father is, and the last thing anyone of us (children) wanted to worry about was my father slipping into alcoholism with some young woman from the 3rd world to clean up after him and empty his pockets while she did it.
Yes, both my parents feel its too late in life to risk being alone...and they have come to accept the devil they know than the devil they dont...and in the end it works...for them. Its not the prettiest truth, but at least they know now why they stay. Many a time, its the financial burden, the kids, the fear of loneliness that keeps couples together. Its a sad situation, but its a common one.
That said, I have seen a few couples split after 30 years together, something becoming more and more common these days, and they have all gone on to successfully find someone else in their lives...so it is possible. Bit of a bi*ch for their kids, coz divorce really sucks for grown kids of said divorcing parents, but hey...thats life, and they know its not their decision to make. Either way, I do get where you are coming from.
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Hi Justin--That was a pretty amazing reply. Are you American? Anyway, despite how well you articulated your situation, it only helped to reinforce my "dilema", really just an excuse for being a victim, but uncanny in it's similarity to mine. I tried for a year living by myself in an apartment in NYC (I live in the suburbs) and I was fairly miserable and self destructive (booze, sleep meds) and lonely as hell. I've been to various coaches and shrinks and no one seems to really have much to offer--and mainly they contradict each other as well. I don't have problems finding girls as I'm fairly youthful for my age, but it's just the transition from here to there that makes it insurmountable, or at least feels that way. And, of course, no self respecting female wants to date me seriously when they know I'm in this situation, they can't take me seriously (despite certain ones who I wouldn't want other than temporarily), so back to how painful the transition would be. I know it's probably all in my head and really do not know if I can handle this after being together so long. As for the kids, despite my tremendous love for them, it would make no sense to waste my life just for theirs, as they will eventually move on anyway. They can handle it, it's me I'm worried about. Thanks in advance for reading this and for your compassion and understanding. Good thing I believe in miracles! Any additional suggestions are welcomed. By the way, I'll be visiting Asia in a couple months and it would be cool to hang out and meet with you if you're there. Do you live in HK? That is my favorite city and I'd like to live there one day--currently I'm applying for my license to practice chiropractic there. Thanks again, Brian
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baseballguy, nope not american, though have been mistaken for one more times than I can remember. Spent a chunk of formative years there, and there are some lingering americanisms in my being...cant be helped.
Ok, so, I think its good that you have tried to seek out shrinks and coaches...and sadly sometimes it can seem that the lot contradict themselves, but maybe its important to shop for the right therapist, and not necessarily a shrink, coz drugs are never the answer. I mean, there are so many meds out there to treat every form of depression and lets face it, in the long run you either become an addict or you find out that those meds just make you feel worse.
Sounds like at least you are honest with yourself. As you said, you are in transition and its a hard place to be...and yes, it all depends on the kind of women you are dipping your ladle into...some may only see you as a good time guy, but not for no reason, you are still trying to figure out what you want to do with your life and I am sure they can see it too. If you arent serious, why would you expect anything different.
Truth is, buddy, it is all in your head. You CAN be strong, together or alone, but you have to learn to enjoy your own company, sans booze and sleeping pills...and I know this coz its true...got the t-shirt! Those sleep meds especially, they are deceptive coz you end up suffering insomnia from them after a while of using them.
You being a chiropractor, you are probably the more earthy, sensitive type and so you are kinda overwhelmed with your position of being in limbo, per se. You need to find a way to get more grounded. Think of all the things that do a body good and just work on doing them. If you are already a member of a gym, go more often, it should help you sleep and to combat depression. If your not, dont wait any longer. Take a break from thinking about who you could be with or who you are with and focus more on who you are. Even my own Dad, when it did come to the folks almost splitting for real, even he managed to get his head in the right place and not fall to pieces. He figured out all the things he could do without Mum and his spirits picked up. He came up with business plans and the like, never saw the guy so focused...maybe thats what made my Mum stick with him...he wasnt acting like an idiot anymore.
You can do it. We all are capable of a lot, we just gotto quit putting ourselves down...and promise yourself not to drink yourself into a stupor or wallow in self pity. Its never a good thing, after a little while of playing the worlds smallest violin and singing "my heart bleeds", you simply need to get on with working on getting better. :) Have a bit more faith in yourself, you know you did a good job as a Dad, your kids know you will be fine, so maybe you are stronger than you think. Dont you think so?
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Hey Justin. Just woke up to your reply, and really do appreciate your kindness and understanding. By the way, there's no hiding the fact that you have an American vibe, and the fact that you were here is proof of such. By using the word "mum" tells me something like British, so what is your actual ethnicity? Not important, but I'm just curious. Anyway, back to the topic at hand, yes, the marriage thing is so similar to your parents that it's pretty amazing. I'm just now doing, not so coincidently, exactly what you suggest--i.e., focusing on my own well being, going to the gym, meditating, and getting off sleeping meds. Perhaps when I'm real clear I can make a better decision, custom made for me as every person is unique although there are similarities to various people's story. For example, my brother got divorced when he was exactly my age, has 2 kids, and he couldn't be happier, has a great girlfriend, and his ex wife was just not right for him. In contrast, despite my wife being a better match for me, and is really a kind hearted woman, just makes it harder to leave. I'm so comfortable at home, etc. Anyway, it's confusing to me. And really, what I very much miss most is being with a woman who I can have great sex and intimacy with. I love kissing and spontaneous sex neither of which ever happens after 26 years (really 10 or 15) with the same woman. Don't get me wrong, even sex with my wife (in the rare times that it happens) is as hot as a pistol, multi orgasmic, but still I feel a lack of connection as she annoys me so much in every day life--raising her voice at me, and getting worse as she gets older. Well, of course there's more, but such is life in an imperfect world. I'll take your advice and know that I'll survive if I strengthen my core, and go from there. So yes, I think I'll get through this with focus on improvements, and in the meantime, I'm appreciative of what a very good life I have compared to the world in general. Again I thank you for such great feedback--write back when you can. You seem like a guy with much wisdom. All Best, Brian
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If wisdom means having had the opportunity to make and to witness one hell of a lot of mistakes in life, then yes, I am practically a sage! Ha. And ethnically, I am Asian as white rice, but alas only ever mastered one language because of having grown up all over the place.
I'm glad for your brother, yeah, good for him! See? It can happen! But the reality is that at some point, for you, you eithersh*t or get off the pot, you know? But its you that will know when that time is and what you decide to do. 26 years is a long time...and maybe the problems you have are to some degree superficial as in having to deal with the way you are being emasculated when talked down to...or craving affection from someone who simply doesnt come from the most cuddly of cultures...
The reality too is that women hit menopause and there simply isnt all that much fun in trying to rub a vajayjay that can sometimes end up as dry as sandpaper because of hormone imbalances...in an ideal world, a loving husband and wife would find a way to weather the storm, or at least hope their libidos are in line...but hey, we dont live in an ideal world most of the time.
I am at a loss as to where the solution lies in your marriage...but I do know how you must feel...although it does make you wonder how your wife feels about your marriage too, right? Two hands to clap, etc. The one good thing is that you are financially stable and that money is not an issue that could royally f things up for you if you were to part ways. Yeah you may be a tad poorer, but happiness doesnt cost much when you think about it. Money isnt the be all and end all, as long as you still got a good number of work years in you and keep your health, you should be sorted.
Looks like you are already doing what you can...I think if you decide you want to leave your wife, the least you owe her is to talk to her about your feelings before making such a decision, who knows, maybe you will be able to work something out. I mean, maybe she has an opinion on it too, just obviously, try to approach the matter in a way that wouldnt make her confrontational and push you away. Its a tough one, I have to admit it...coz it sounds like the only thing you are missing is the intimacy and possibly the companionship...those things get hard as you get older because sometimes women feel like they are maturing and they are stuck with a man who still thinks he is 22. Its tough for them not to feel frustrated. And lets face it, most men really do think they "still got it" even as they creep up to 60. Women, not sure...
All I can say is, if your wife is as kind hearted as you say, she deserves to be treated the way she has treated you...it may take you a while to figure out how you want to go about it and if you may simply want to stay together apart...that works too...but yeah, after 26 years together, there must be a way for you to figure it out without making too big a mess of it all. Good luck!
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Hi Justin--Right about the mistakes and wisdom as result. There's an expression about that, something like "one fails himself to success" or the like. You're right also on several other counts and when I'm clearer (sleep meds) which is happening and should be over in about a week or two, perhaps I can make sounder choices.
To clarify about my wife, it's totally true that the menapause has her talking like a man, bossy and disrepectful but not being aware of it despite her being a petite 105 lb Chinese woman, age 57--10 months younger than I. And despite that factoid, her libido being lower, she still gets very hot sexually if she feels connected with me emotionally, which is rare because she'll consciously or unconsciously speak to me, or me to her, in such a way that keeps the cold war in place. I'm sure if she fell in love with someone else she'd be screwing daily with no problem.
And yes, she's just as frustrated about this as I am, just that she values the "family unit" more than life itself so she tolerates status quo because I am her financial life line, plus the completion of the family. And while she's somewhat influenced by being the proverbial submissive Asian woman, she actually has been very tainted by the typical American female dominant man hating society in which we live.
Totally agree about talking with her and respecting her dignity during this whole process. I've thought long and hard about being together and apart at the same time, however, when I meet women to date, they really, as I've said before, don't take well to that and don't understand or want to be involved in such a relationship--too messy, they say, among other things. A further point is that a lot of relationships simply have a certain "shelf life" so to speak, and a new one would be best for all (like my brother--both happier) but again, the transition from here to there is, for me, gut wrenching--or so I imagine it would be.
Well, at least I may give this one more shot--perhaps trick my brain into viewing her as a new woman, treating her better, attempt to kiss and be passionate and see if I can reduce my urge to *uck everything that walks. One never knows.
By the way, you never mentioned to me where you live, your age, and what you do for a living? I'm actually trying to learn Mandarin as I think that would be so extraordinary to do that. Strange that you wouldn't be attracted to learning some Asian language as I would thing it would open many more options for you. More later on that.
Thanks again for your very helpful insights on this marriage thing (are you married?) and believe it's good karma that you be so kind. Keep in touch and have a great day! Brian
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Hi White Trash--
Where is Sai Kung? Thanks, Brian
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Thank you, My Hong Kong. I fear that the same cyber stalker that followed me around last time is at it again, flaming like a lit match at a burrito fest.
Apologies, Brian, now you may understand why it doesnt help to share personal details on here, it just makes others think they know you like the 60 something, sponge of an English bloke they take you for. You have no idea how much that dossier on me has made my day. I have to say, its simply brilliant. I had to chuckle, even.
Oh and as for your question, apparently HK is about 70% country park, hard as that is to believe when you see the high rises. Sai Kung is located in and around the more greener parts with nicer beaches. And just for the record, I dont live there.
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OK, got it, Justin--but then where do you live, i.e., what country? I just never heard of that name as being part of Hong Kong. All Best, Brian
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Here is a map for you Brian:
http://www.chinatouristmaps.com/provinces/hong-kong.html
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This is better:
http://www.chinatouristmaps.com/city/hong-kong.html
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Thank you very much for sending the link. Brian
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Hong Kong is home to me, simply because its the one country I have lived in the longest, and its grown on me over the years. Plus it says so at the bottom of the posts where someone is based. Anyway, be well, and good luck with everything, Brian. I really hope everything works out for you.
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Dumb , dumb .stupid guy..........to let a woman like you slip through his fingers .....He will regret it , o yes he will ....I never cheated on my wife , my x wife or even girlfriends in young days .....why risk it to loose the one you know....honestly i believe your story , every word and feel sorry for you , he wasted 10 years ....i felt same when my x left me , wasted time ....you will never trust him again , it's amazingly thin line between love and hate , i also switch of the light very easy and will do same again if being cheated on , thank God my wife will not , happy with the old bugger she knows !!!!.......Just one thing ....do not blame yourself , bull dust to always say 2 sides to a story , i believe you and this guy wasted it .....stupid , stupid ... he will pull the hair out his head soon when some young lady treat him this way ....DO NOT go and change your body and boobs now , no need for that , just be yourself ...eventually you might find the one who deserves you ....nice bottom (arse) anyway better than fake boobs , many men do not like it , i don't judge people who have done it, it's fine ., but rather stay natural and good luck .....Jeeezz, i still can not believe a guy can let this slip through his fingers... You are honest , straight forward lady and will never trust HIM again , but i pray you find one who deserves you , just don't go looking for it too soon , rather single than suffer in a bad relation ....
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1. i don't think how you look matters in this story. so don't ever bother with boob jobs or anything like that. of course dressing up, etc is never a bad move anyway
2. it seems to me that you have made your decision about leaving him. I'd rather do it quick and move on. make him pay not by cheating on him but rather by extracting his wealth and ruining his reputation. he might not care about you anymore (hence he won't care if you cheat on him) but he might care about his money and about his reputation.
3. lastly and this is more for the future - and disclaimer: I am a man - i would keep your next husband on a tighter leash. this is not to be controlling but rather to reduce his chances to cheat. alcohol and wrong friends can play a large role in this. the goal should not be to make him a sheep, but rather to manage the situation for his own good. a good guy realizes that himself and will not be bothered by the tighter leash
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pilot_wife. Nearly all men can do this. Although you have been wronged, I think you are being a bit naive and your expectations are a bit too high. Forget the boob job, it's not down to looks - it's down to the fact he has the chance to sleep with a lot of women. If you want a reliable man in this town, your best bet is a loser with no money and looks. Really, really good men do exist - I know one. But he only behaves like that as his dad caused a lot of trouble for his mum.
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What expectations too high if you just want not to be cheated in a relationship , i think that's the bare minimum to expect....maybe M V expectations are too low..!!I expect my wife not to sleep around and surely do the same in return ....Many men who are well off and make a comf living do not cheat their partners....on the other hand even guys with minimum income (loosers as you say although i do not agree with you calling them loosers , cause some real good people did not have good oppurtunities and hence do not live a flamboyant lifestyle , but still rock solid people ), but even the "" loosers ""can cheat on their partners .Some guys working just to make ends meet also end up in the whorehouses, .....Miss Venezuela, sorry but you are wrong ..This crazy guy had a wonderfull , caring , loving , nice , sexy partner , and he blew it ....Coming back to your looser point , i anyway do not thing pilots are soooo far above the rest on the income bracket , .....it's not about your income , it's integrity my dear ....i wont clacify myself as a looser...or a winner for that matter , but never cheated any of my partners , even the ""girlfriends"" when i was in primary school....only one at a time ,if she does not live up to your expectations break up and then play the field again.....this pilot will have many lonely hours flying and his mind will wander back , thinking what he HAD and lost it ..... regret's a good thing , but it always come too late ....
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Tieiniefraser. Yes but he can have many sexy partners. It's an inconvenient truth. Perhaps he thought he could be stick with one woman but found out that he couldn't. Wouldn't be the first.
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He should have admitted 8 years ago he couldn't be faithfull to his woman , pity he wasted 10 years of her prime life.....
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This must hurt a lot.
A man like this might not regret it when you leave - it will take more mistakes for him to wake up. The same sense of stupidity that causes him to troll websites for hookups will give him the confidence that an even better woman is just around the corner. Assuming he lives this long, it will be 20 years later when he’s in an unhappy marriage with some girl who has a pot belly, no charm and no sophistication before he’ll regret losing you.
You’re still young, and have a chance to find a decent man. But such men can rarely be found in bars. Please don’t assume all men are like this; you don’t want to become miss Havisham. I don’t recommend becoming a control freak, or bitter. It will only eat you up. Start again and look for a decent man.
To put things in perspective - You met a party animal, and tried to domesticate him. You were ready to settle down, he is not, and might never be.
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Marriage is not for everyone. Really
Cheers.
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FKKC
11 yrs ago
Marriage is a commitment between 2 persons.....so either stick to your words or don't get marry and be a free person to choose & enjoy whatever & whenever you wish!
As HazelGirl says " Marriage is not for everyone".
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Pilot_Wife. You're not the only one. If he doesn't have any other bad habits - gambling, smoking, drugs, wifebeating - then why dump him? It's not easy to get a charming, goodlooking (I assume) professional person for a partner. Who will you replace him with? Another cheater? Better the devil you know.
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Yes, remaining unattached is a good option, that way it will save you from future angst. However, you'll also miss the joys of having a relationship.
But I'm wondering why you don't have the courage to confront him.
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Hong Kong puts stress on marriage. if there are any cracks, the marriage will fail. But that's not why Pilot Wife should leave. Rather she should go elsewhere because in this town, a lot of men will not consider a woman who is 31 yo and divorced. In other places, I am sure she will be a real find.
Good Luck.
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pilot-wife - don't listen to CaptDave when he says you'll need to leave HK (although most of what he says makes perfect sense). I'm a 40 year old single mother and I've had absolutely no shortage of offers here. Sounds like you are an intelligent, attractive, courageous individual and there are plenty of decent men out there that will appreciate that. You're not on the HK shelf yet!
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My friend's husband is a pilot. She's told me her husband tells her of other pilots indiscretions and the lengths they will go to not to get caught. She travels with him a lot when he's flying and they seem to get on very well and she has told me she is really grateful he is so different from the rest. I met him accidentally in a bar a few months ago and he hit on me. No alcohol involved and he made his meaning very clear. Never had a friend's husband do that before and was really quite taken aback. Of course I wont tell her but it just made me think about pilots and husbands in general.
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if you think he's cheating and don't love him anymore because of it, divorce him. If you still love him, accept it (it being your own feelings about it).
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"if you think he's cheating and don't love him anymore because of it, divorce him."
Hmm.
If you Divorce him, do you win or lose?
What was your intention when you married?
Some women have the attitude -
MARRIAGE IS GREAT:
+ If it works out, and the love stays, it is wonderful,
+ If it fails, at least I walk away with a nice chink of money
The divorce laws encourage this thinking. And I am sure that you will see that the payoff on Divorce are just the opposite for a man. If it doesn;t work out, the man is a very big loser.
Because of this asymmetrical payoff, I have to wonder why any Man would want to get married. It is a very bad risk, thanks to the divorce laws.
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coty
11 yrs ago
Blame the cheap and easy women who hit on pilots who think they are so hot and could have anyone they wanted. Pilots i know are all easy, they may do safaris in faraway places and stuff but all lacking as MEN.
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Ladies, ladies, please don't be so uptight. And please don't immediately leave your husband. Do give him another chance. It's not always very easy to be a man. Often men (pilot including) can't help it when they fall into something which women immediately label it as 'cheating'. Watch this movie here. It may help you to have a better understanding about men. And perhaps you can still 'save' your husband before it's too late.
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get used to be a wife, not a girlfriend. now if you want to have children, the best chance is still with him, you run out of time to find another man (you said so).
so have babies and become a wife with all the good and bad and accept that he will continue to stray but as long as you and your children are his priority and that he can assume financially (you will need for the children) then stay. Why leave now that you don't have many trump cards. you should have done that when you were in your 20s but now in your 30s, you need to grab and keep whatever is advantagous to you and there aren't many opportunities out there any longer.
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I didn't guess anything, i just read what you wrote: I am ready, i'm 31 and as i want 2 kids, i feel i am running out of time. If I leave him, i said to myself that i'd never be able to let a man into my life ever again. I'd move to another country and hopefully make some good friends. Even if i were to let another man into my life, all the good ones seem to have been nabbed already and the rest are either too young, or players. Plus, who would want a 30 something woman who's biological clock is ticking when they can have a 20 something? That means that i'd never have a kid which is what i want.
with what you wrote, i think you are too self centered and not comppromising which is not good if you want to have children. most probably you will end up being a single mother bringing up children without a father.
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based on what you wrote, you should leave him now, don't be angry, don't waste time on seeking revenge or harm him, you would only become a lesser person. be happ, positive and start a new life and stop complaning here.
good luck.
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and my 2 cents is to stop thinking of raising kids without a father, not only would you be making life hard on yourself but also for the kids.. that is just in case you decide to be a single mother...
compromise is the key, talk to him and ask him what is this that he has been doing.. instead of opening his fhk profile on computer and leaving him..
that doesn't solve anything
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Sorry to be stereotypical in this situation (which is absolutely shocking) but by any chance is your pilot husband white? Expats come out here and, as you mentioned, it is basically a guy's paradise. Women fawn over them like they're pseudo-gods and they get the pick of both bunches - westernised Asian women who cannot date local guys but also many local women who find dating a white guy a badge of honour.
Not to say that no local guys here cheat because of course they do, it just seems so much easier for expats to. It's amazing how many seriously ugly white guys have stunning girlfriends in this town. But I digress. The point is these guys can get away with murder and still have someone lined up who will accept them for who they are (even if they are douchebags). I've worked with expats and many of them have wives and children but are still frequently out either hooking up with randoms or boning hookers. It's indicative of this invincibility-complex many of them seem to possess.
Maybe it is an Asia thing, a white thing or a pilot thing. Or a combination of all three. On a separate note, I don't think moving out of Asia will solve anything and neither will hoping he makes the "right" friends, changing airlines or fields. Sounds like you're training a dog but unlike a dog, a man will resent you for it - even if he knows he needs to do it to keep you happy because he messed up. The only consolation from this whole palava is that you didn't find out about this after you guys had kids because that would have made the whole situation about a 1,000 times harder.
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Some women are marriage material and most ain't - because they'll turn themselves into a laughing stock among their own gender sooner than later without they even realize it.
To quote timmyhk: "... these guys can get away with murder and still have someone lined up who will accept them for who they are (even if they are douchebags)"
This kind of situations can hardly happen when 'the wife' won't give up the marriage. Many young women find themselves in the second, third, fourth, .... tenth marriage of a man, simply because the opportunity is given to them, and of course, because these kind of b*tch are too lazy and too dumb to resist the douchebag.
Anyway, go ahead leave your husband if you want him to have this song here as his national anthem:
https://youtu.be/RNWF6eJr81k?si=F4PQaiNSxDDt3AEW
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Pilot Wife,
Look at what you’ve been writing -
- Leaving without saying a word to make him suffer
- Asking him to change city, employer, and possibly his profession
- Suing him, not because you need the money, but to hurt him.
- Cut off all his friends.
It’s obvious you’ve been deeply hurt, and you need to process what happened. However, in the long term, whether you stay with this guy or not, you need to reach a state of peace.
Don’t let bitterness towards this guy eat you emotionally for the rest of your life, and don’t retreat into a self protective sphere that prevents you from ever enjoying a relationship ever again. After an upset like this, a lot of people seek more control, which ultimately achieves the opposite of what they expect.
I’m a man in a committed relationship, but if I was looking for a partner, your age would not bother me; your emotional baggage would.
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Doesn't look good. I doubt he would give up his job if you have already moved out. If you can move out once, you can move out again. So why give up the job?
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coty
11 yrs ago
pilot wife, what profession are you in? Most professionals i know don't have that sort of time to write that much.
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Pilot wife, if you are considered "self-centred" for wanting your conditions met, then so be it. I'm surprised that others are telling you otherwise because you have a right to protect your marriage. Coty, I think that the reason why she has the time to write so much is because this is quite a serious matter for her.
I'm with you pilot wife, I think Asia is just not the best place for a man who's easily influenced by the women around him.
For as long as western countries are wealthier than Asia, women here will unfortunately throw themselves at their feet (meaning, western men).
I really feel for you, pilot wife.
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PW, good for you to take time out from him. Hope that the sun will shine on you!
Though, I must say, and I do understand that your hurt right now, I think you need to work on unloading your baggage as well. Reason is simple. Your history is clouding your perspective on relationships and with that clouded judgement, you won't be able to find a true meant to be, be it your current husband or not. If you have children in the future, your baggage will definitely effect your child as well, independent from fatherless or not.
I find rititt's "get used to being a wife and not girlfriend" comment very interesting as it is true, expectations from your better half are different from dating and marriage. I will not tolerate cheating nor turn a blind eye on it but, at the same time, you do need to reconstruct what you need to endure to keep marriage alive.
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wait yr in hkg the best place to have affairs outside of the marraige given hkg history and bloody great isn't it.... anyway the marriage insitution is old like dinosaurs... that's my 50cents and it's sounds like yr heading for a mid life crisis... ouch
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Macarenam you lose your confidence.............
Now is time to twist your mind. C'mon. Build your confidence.
I think... perhaps you would think I'm not solving your problem. Instead.. it is better to focus on other things... Like: first, you better learn some ice skating. Then you won't afraid anything. . . .
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Interesting.. @Macarena kringkring... look if you think he is cheating on you.. YOU are the ONLY ONE can answer it Why and How... is it there is something wrong in your relationship why he is cheating??? Did you ever ask him why the intimate is gone thats why you suspecting him.. and how often you think that intimate is totally gone? Did you ask him if he is still inlove with you?? If he say yes.. repeat again the question.. are you really INLOVE WITH ME STILL????? If he say yes but nothing changed about the intimate issue then f*ck it all. Otherwise you waste all your time....what is my thinking is... why you never reply of some questions here??? Like how old are you blablabla... I also agree with rittit. If he cheat.. you have 2 choices.. Accept or Leave him.
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as long as you dont find out- does it matter?
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what would you do if he confirm with you? Will you really leave him?
If you going to stay with him anyway, then nothing need to be ask anymore.
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