Posted by
FairyRCBu
11 yrs ago
Thank you.
I'm 30 years old Hong Kong woman. I met this 38 years old guy, R, in a pub in November 2011. I treated him as a rebound after I broke up with my ex-fiancé. We had fun at the beginning but he broke up with me a month later as he thought I was too young and inexperienced. We reconciled back again after a couple days (I talked him back). I started moving in some of my clothes and stayed overnight for a few days a week to spend more time together. Things were getting a bit serious. He had not talked about breaking up ever since.
Incident 1:
In March 2012, he flew to the UK to attend his father's 70th birthday party. I called him on the evening he flew and checked if I could swing by his place to see the kitty. He told me he would have a maid to take care of the kitty over the weeks when he’s away. Due to miscommunication over the phone, I thought I was allowed to swing by before the maid came. When I opened the door, I found all my stuff, like shampoo and clothes were replaced by other woman’s. I was so shocked and I called him. He rushed back from the Airport Express station and shouted at me. He said I wasn't allowed to come over and now I knew everything. It’s time to break up. I cried all the way from his home to the MTR. I still remembered people looking at me like with shocked. It’s so humiliating. I was heartbroken. He agreed to talk about it after his trip. I waited for two weeks – the longest two weeks in my life ever.
He told me A’s a maid he met when he first moved to Hong Kong 5 years ago. He dumped her as she’s not presentable and could not bring her out to meet with his friends. But he’s on and off with her during these years even he’s in relationship with other women and he is also financially supporting her. He also said he had commitment issue that he dated girls for 6 months at maximum and in between he would go to Wan Chai. In fact he had just stopped going to Wan Chai after he got redundant in 2008. He got a new job in 2009 and he's careful on spending after that. If he got the money again, he would go back there as frequent as before.
I cried so much and devastated when I heard that. It’s like someone grabbing your heart tightly. It's like a huge rock landed on your heart that you couldn't breathe. But I believe he had changed since I met him. He's completely honest to me whenever I asked him anything. Again, I trusted him and I took him as a combo - both good and bad.
A’s still in the picture but she found out about us and at the end, unexpectedly, she left R. R came back to me. I was really surprised A left and so as R. He’s still financially supporting her. He treated it as donating to a charity.
I told him I accepted that and all I want was he staying with me. After that we got on well, very well. He asked me to move in if I wanted to, but I refused as I knew he wanted freedom. So we kept our schedule as before – stayed overnight for a few days a week and spent weekends together. We had been traveled together. We had lots of memories and fun.
Incident 2:
However, I got a job offer in the States. It’s a 2.5 year contract job. I applied for it awhile ago in February 2012 when he broke up with me. At that moment, I just wanted to be away from Hong Kong, a place where gave me a broken heart.
When he found it out, he encouraged me to go and said it would be good for my career. I hesitated. He said we would be on a break and see how things going after 1.5 years. No guarantee but he’s opened to any option. I still hesitated. Time is counting down – I’m not sure if it’s a right decision but I processed my visa application anyway. I thought if we could go through this, we’re meant to be.
Incident 3:
As approaching my departure, I found him a bit weird – he’s not a tech guy but he’s on what’s app most of the time. I suspected something and asked. He confessed he’s in contact with his ex-gf, T, as she sought his advice over her new relationship. T was a crazy girl – when they broke up, she harassed him by Facebook messages, emails and phone calls. She put his details on gay websites and sent emails to all his friends. She turned up his office and got escorted from the building. He said he thought she’s changed and no romance between them anyway, she’s just a friend. I didn’t like it but I respected him. I trusted him. Well, love is all about trust, right?
September 2012, 2 months before I flew to the States, was the most horrible time in my life. On 9-11, we had lunch together as usual then he said he would have to meet with his UK buddies in the evening. Next day, we had lunch in his home and I saw long hairs lying everywhere, literally, everywhere. He told me it’s from his shoes as he walked around with them in the house last night. Then I went to the bedroom and found hairs on the bed. He couldn’t deny it anymore – he admitted they're from a prostitute. He went to Wan Chai after meeting his UK buddies. I was despair. I cried and cried and cried. At the end, I told him I accepted that.
A few days after that 9-11 prostitute incident. I got his call in the midnight. He's arrested and got charged of common assault. I arrived at his apartment and policemen were there. He invited T to visit and she went nuts when she saw my photos in his cell. She trashed the flat and they were in a fight. Police involved and at the end I lend him $500 to bail himself out. I was so devastated. Words fail me. I don't know how to describe my feeling. I stayed in the police station until 3am when he told me it's pointless and I should just go home. I met him next day and requested the entire whatsapp conversation log on between him and T. With the time stamped on each line of conservations, I found out he chatted with her when we're hiking. I was just away for a couple minutes to the loo and he managed to start conservation with her, to comfort her, to tell T he's not going to cheat on me as he wanted to prove to her he'd become good. R said he contacted T again because he would be lonely after my departure. He wanted company.
He said I gave him too much freedom; he needed discipline and couldn’t control himself. I decided it’s time to move in and be with him all the time. In my final couple months in Hong Kong, I was very very very happy, in fact, it’s the happiest time since I moved back from Australia. R told me I managed to kick out two women in his life and I melt his heart.
Finally:
After my arrival in the States, we still have contact and he's still assured me we could be back as before when I return. He’s prepared to be in contact. Just after a month I left, he met a 40 years old Singapore woman, E, via a friend. He told me he fell for her. Just a couple weeks after the relationship, he ceased contacting me and said it’s over and I should move on. He likes her and he is sort of moving to her place with the kitty. He told E everything about me, he shared with her a voicemail message I left for him. He once promised to visit me in summer but he said it’s not going to happen anymore.
R said she knew his past and his issue but didn’t have any problem with that. In fact, I accepted all his past and his issue and he told me the same thing before.
My whole world shattered.
I admitted I contacted him often since my departure which had annoyed him. I came to the States because I would like to speed up my career progression to match up with his. Everything is a lie. I know we had only been together for a year. But he melts my heart. I wasn’t a sporty person but I learned to play squash and surf after we’re together. He motivated me to do things that I had never tried before – not even my ex-fiancé could have done. R said we didn’t click because he couldn’t understand me easily (he said we clicked before!). I sometimes spoke broken English so he had to guess what I was talking about. I did that because it could draw his attention to me. It sounds silly but it’s so much fun when we laughed about it each time. I don’t know what happen and how to move on. I have never been attracted to a guy. No one has ever motivated me to do anything but R.
I’m thinking to quit my job and move back to Hong Kong. It sounds stupid but being alone here (I tried to date someone else but it didn’t work, all I’m thinking is R) triggers my depression. Feel so hopeless and despair. I’m just wondering… why would he move on to a 40 years old when he promised me so many things? All the time we spent together was marvelous. He told me he loved and cared for me. For the past year, he only hanged out with me but not even his friends because I was the person he could rely on and trust.
Everything falls apart and I’m stuck here all on my own. R’s not my first relationship but I never felt it this way.
What should I do? Move on? Wait for him? Will I have a chance? He may still just date her for 6 months. I'm so devastated. Never thought I would fall for a guy like this.
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It sounds like this guy is really great. He can captivate your heart, and motivate you to learn new sports. He can make wonderful promises, and bring you happiness.
Now the problem - a lot of other girls find him attractive too. So he is enjoying Hong Kong's "buffet of women". (That may sound degrading, but that's how it is to such men) Based on history, only lack of money stops him cheating more. He is not going to stop, so ask yourself, how many more times do you want to find him cheating ? Do you want to spend the rest of your life catching him cheating and then forgiving him ?
You need to dump him and look for a one-woman-man. Continuing this guy will result in more and more heartbreak. Worse if you end up with kids.
Find someone else; There are plenty of fish in the sea.
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Honestly, I'm fine with prostitutes after that incident - as long as he gives me a heads up. Paying for it is not cheating. He treats them as toys. The worst is he has moved on less than a month after all things we've been through together.
I find the betrayal after he's with E. Everything was forgotten after a month!?
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FairyRCBu
Your relationship has to be one of the most unhealthy ones I have read about. It seems you need to take a step back and look at things a bit more objectively.
He will continue to cheat and pay for prostitutes because you have clearly demonstrated to him that you will forgive him repeatedly. He has no downside and no incentive to treat you well.
There is a major imbalance between what he wants (open relationship without any emotional commitment, freedom to sleep with hookers) and what you are seeking (long term exclusive relationship). This will never work out happily. he has already bored of you and has moved on.
Unfortunately, you need to respect yourself more and look for someone else more compatible with your own values of integrity, moral worth and outlook on life. Trying to win him back or waiting for him to return is going to ruin you....
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FairyRCBu. I think may be you had a bit of a sheltered life before you met this man. Don't deceive yourself that he is so much better than the others for the simple reason that he isn't. There are plenty of other men that are interesting and will treat you better. Don't convince yourself that there is no one else who can replace him because your guy you met after him, wasn't your type. As for the heartbreak, you'll get over it. We have all ahd it and it is very unpleasant.
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OP, first, you need to learn to love yourself more, build up your confident, it is not healthy to build/depend your world and happiness on anyone, then you will understand how to love a person worthy of your love... you are going on and on in a circle of pain caused by this guy who is, in my opinion, is nothing but a loser.
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FairyRCBu, no advice will help you, you are just blind by your love for him. forget him, this type of men is only good for short term fun and not for stable relationship, it will hurt and only time will heal, there's no other remedy, meanwhile to lessen your pain, just concentrate on other things, such as sport which would tire you so much that you would forget about him for a moment.
saying that, i don't know you, but it seems you like 'bad' men. most women like this type of men, it gives them a sense of thrill and adventure and world of fantasy that women love to live in.
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He once said he would settle down at 45 years old. People change. Maybe I could be the one he would settle down with. I was introduced to all his friends in Hong Kong and they were shocked he did that. I believed it meant he was serious. He isn't into long distance relationship so we maybe fine if I move back...
I saw his changes during the year. Should not judge on the past as they don't live there anymore. It's very frustrating he moved on so well with E in a short period of time. I feel like I influenced him to be a better person (e.g. I convinced him not to press charge against T so her career would not be destroyed) but he applied all these changes to treat the new gf. That's very sad.
I did not have a sheltered life before I met him. He motivated me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and experienced a lot with him. That's very charming, very!
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take deep breaths, do yoga, do sports etc... stay active and zap all the memories of him in your brain and it will be fine. i know whatever we write here, you don't care, you just wanted to use this forum to express your anger, disappointment, despair etc... because it's too much to bear inside all by yourself but deep inside you, you still love him and still hope that he will come back to you. you are comparing with his new girlfriend and wonder why he chose her instead of you etc... just give it up, accept that it's over byebye farewell, be humble!
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This is a windup, I think.
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If distance was the reason we broke up, I fly back would solve it, wouldn't it? I am planning to quit and come back.
I know I sound very silly but I'm a strong believer. In sorrow there is hope.
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I am sorry to tell you that people do not change, deep down you know what kind of man he is. That won't change, and I suspect that deep down you know it won't change.
You need to ask yourself why you are pursuing a serious relationship with somebody who has shown that he does not really know what a serious relationship is. Infidelity, playing around, whatever you want to call it, is a basic problem in relationships.
An occasional incident might be understandable, even forgiveable. But when there is a pattern of selfish behaviour, you really need to walk away. Run away, I would say.
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woods99 -
He has changed, like he's never into texting people but he used it frequently with his new gf. I agree he will cheat again. I asked if he wanted to sleep with me in case I returned next month. He hesitated and didn't answer it.
A leopard can't change his spots. I also understand that if he cheats with me, he will cheat on me.
And I will hurt like hell again.
I just hope giving him enough freedom to go to Wanchai might help. Again, paying for isn't cheating.
I hope, I will b with him again. I just hope he has changed the fact he only dates girls for no more than 6 months (we're together for a year!). Just don't know what to do, how to do it...
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Honey ... at 30, you better step aside and give way to your younger sisters who are much more fun, much more open to any open relationships and ready to open anything which can be opened as wide as possible ... heh heh heh.....
if you wanna solid relationship, stay away from white guys esp those with high ranking in career. just get an english teacher one, they are meek and reliable enough, though money is scarce!!!
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songyu -
You post made me laugh for the first time since I split up with him. Age is not everything in relationships. He mentioned I was too young for him. Obviously not all men like to take care of an 18-year-old.
I go dutch with all my exes so money is never an issue. If it involves money, it's not true love.
So I have no idea how you came up with your post - either you try to make me laugh or you know who R is. If not, you may want to expand your circle a bit to meet different people.
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Paying for sex on a regular basis is not what a loving, mature, normal person
does.
No exceptions. If you are prepated to put up with this, you are opening yourself to the worst kind of life imaginable, with a man who does not really care about you, is just interested in using you to fill in the gaps in the rest of his life. Would you want somebody who frequently uses the services of prostitutes to be the father of your children? Do you really think he will stick around when you are older, maybe get sick, are less attractive?
Do not do it to yourself. You are in a position to take charge of your life, do not hand it over to a sex-obsessed person with no moral compass, no ethics, and no standards.
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He is a professional playboy.
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"I asked if he wanted to sleep with me in case I returned next month.": no wonder the guy runs away from you!
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Rititt, why did you say that?
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woods99 -
I know he will never stop using the services of prostitutes. Whenever he had business trips in Asia (after incident 2), he would sneak out during the night. He even texted me the "fun" and sent me pictures of the prostitutes. It's crazy but at least he's not in love with those women.
I said he's changed to the extend he may not cheat on his gf with other women (excluded prostitutes) - which is a big improvement for him. Finally, he learned how to behave in a relationship. In fact, he showed that to T during his secret conversation.
I know I should move on. But I have no desire to get married but being an unwed mother at some point (please don't judge). Right now, I just want a guy who makes me laugh and motivates me to do things I have never done - and he fits all these criteria.
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FairyRCBu
Stop kidding yourself. It's clear that you are in love with this guy and he does not feel the same way about you at all.
You speak like an abused soul... It's just that you have become so accustomed to being treated like garbage that this horrendous treatment seems like the norm to you.
"I said he's changed to the extend he may not cheat on his gf with other women (excluded prostitutes) - which is a big improvement for him. "
You want to praise this guy for improvement?... notice the "may" in that sentence.. he is not even committal!!!
" He even texted me the "fun" and sent me pictures of the prostitutes. It's crazy but at least he's not in love with those women."
It's almost like you are praising him for being honest to you. He is only doing so because he knows he can treat you so badly and you still come back begging for his love.
You are just trying to convince yourself that there is some healthy (or manageable) future between the two of you. Face facts. The guy was using you as a convenient booty call. The moment he finds someone else he ditches you or his current gf and gives the standard excuses, "You are too young... you are too immature... you should develop your career...". You've become blinded by maltreatment and lies.
This guy will make you laugh and may show you things that are new (assuming he takes you back which i doubt) but he will ruin you completely and repeatedly. One day, you will realize that there is nothing novel in his serial cheating and his lack of moral worth.
Like an emotionally abused and disrespected woman, you are just heading back for more pain... sad... it's obvious that you will write anything to convince yourself that there is a good reason to try to win him back, when it's plainly obvious that this guy is not worth it. You seem to be convincing yourself that there had been a deeper meaning to your relationship with this guy, because otherwise you would have to admit to yourself that he has played you or never respected you... unfortunately, the guy has no moral compass and is completely egocentric... the worst kind of selfish git. I would treat my dog with more respect than the way he treats women.
Successful relationships are based on reciprocity, complementing values, shared goals and values, and ideally similar degrees of love for each other... your relationship with this a-hole (which evidently is finished) has none of the above.
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In a right relationship, you would gain the senses of:
You're safe
You're good &
You're well
Cheers!
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xpatwilier -
> It's almost like you are praising him for being honest to you. He is only doing so because he knows he can treat you so badly and you still come back begging for his love.
Yes. I'm glad he's honest to me. He told me he could be himself when we're together - didn't have to hide who he's. He once said it's a perfect relationship. I had a successful relationship before but I wasn't happy. I found happiness with him even I'm paranoid all the time...
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OP, you obviously are in a very confuse state (though you don't realise it yet)... how can you call a successful relationship when you are not happy?
Anyway, people here are kind to point the obvious to you using a third-eye perspective. Ultimately it is YOU who can decide how you want your life to be... and i sincerely hope luck be on your side.
Boy, love is really blind and deaf!! :)) guess maybe there is some truth to the saying "we don't get to choose who we fall in love with"! :)
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There is an obvious logical fallacy Malka. The OP might love her boyfriend, but it is pretty obvious that he does not love anybody except himself.
Has anybody here said that the OP cannot make her own choices? Clearly she can. But the fact that she is here, asking for our opinions, does speak volumes.
Maybe, according to Gibran, it is possible for a human to love a rock, even though the rock is incapable of love?
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I'm not stupid.
I do know he loves himself more than anyone else - in fact, he loves himself more than he loves his family back home. He never met his nephew, he had never been home for Christmas as he always wanted a holiday himself. I know what kind of person he is and I know he will dump me (or the current gf) when he found me no longer attractive or sick. He did that to his cat when it got amputated - he just let it die by euthanasia even it's totally healthy after the surgery. He is who he is.
He's the worst person I have ever met. I have no idea why I like him so much. I would like to know the reason too.
He insisted we should be on a break when I'm in the States and we will meet again after I return. Then we will start from there to see if we still like each other.
It's just so devastated he told me he wouldn't see me again a month after he met this woman.
I wasn't irrational before meeting him. He's changed me - in both good and bad ways...
Move on or stay here, I'm stuck.
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OP, are you aware that your comments about men are very offensive and disgraceful??? Why are you so obsessed to show that you are better than men??? Seems like you have a serious issue with men to the point of hating them because they are paying. Obviously you dont know anything about love and relationship because you are basically an attention sucker, a manipulative and disgusting control freak. It's very clear you dont have love for R. You only want to control him and in a very manipulative, cunning and disgusting way. You have even driven him to hookers. Wake up girl ... some guys are very smart too that you can't fool them with all your tricks. They know how to differentiate true love from the fake ones like the one that you have for R. You better get yourself to a mental hospital. Something in your head obviously needs some repair works!!! Then learn to have some self respect as a woman. Only when you know how to respect yourself as a woman, then you can help a man to be committed in a relationship with you. Don't treat us all men as if we're all hookers hungry!!! Your comments about men really degrading. I become very angry to read them. Grow up and get a life!!!
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Wohhh...songyu. What's up with you dude?
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Err.. I'm sorry if I have offended you. I never said I'm better than men. Since when I said men are bad? Was my English that bad?
I respect his hobby - paying for sex. He has done that for many years. His friends and family know that too. He will not stop doing that. So it's not me driving him to prostitutes. I don’t know what part I said made you thought that it’s me driving him to prostitutes. He knew I loved him too. I wish I could manipulate him so he wouldn't be like that. Sadly it's the other way round.
You sound so illogical as none of your statements make sense. I’m not sure why you’re so hysterical – seriously, do you know who R is?
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Any man whose hobby is paying for sex is obviously mentally ill.
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stay in the USA, finish whatever you are doing, don't come back for him, you will regret it forever and blame him for the chances you would miss and your obsession for him takes away all the opportunities which are now in front of you, so not only you have lost him but you are now losing all the chances to meet the right man. very often, women are deep into depression because of a failed love and they shut themselves out and completely ignore the 'one' who is in front of them and at the end, when they come out from their 'coma', they realize they have missed so much but by then it would be too late, they have become old and bitter hence undesirable.
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and you are the type of women who love themselves more than their man. what you have is not love, it is the obesession to be loved and so the more your man ignores and treats you like dirt, the more you think you love him because you know you can't have him and you love it when you can't have him because you are fast fed up with the man whom you could have easily. so it's your obsession for attention. i'm sure if R wants you back, after a while, you would dump him because you won't find him exciting any more.
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The facts are:
You are in USA.
He is in Hong Kong.
He is involved with a new lady.
We don't know how the relationship with the new woman is going. He probably doesn't know either because it's new.
We don't know if he still goes to prostitues or not.
You need to manage your life in a way that advances you. Therefore, it would be very silly if you quit your studies for this person. In fact, for any person.
Mingle with people. It helps. 1) being busy with other people will distract your mind from thinking about this useless ex-boyfriend of yours. 2) being respected by other people will make you respect yourself a bit more.
When you finish your studies and come back to Hong Kong, you can meet R and get an update from him about the situation in his life. My prediction is that he won't be single. He comes across as a narcissistic person and narcissistic people are rarely alone.
Last thing, this message board is good for generating thoughts. Don't depend on it to give you answers.
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My guess is that he just does not think you are the one. There must be a lot of great things about you that he likes, but something is missing for him. Based on the fat that he dated a woman who is a bit crazy, a maid, and several prostitutes plus the fact that he said you were not "experienced", it may be sexual...perhaps he likes kink/fetishes that he is uncomfortable expressing to you or thinks that you would not be naturally good at performing.Also, the fact that he is supporting the maid concerns me, seems there is more there than charity. I assume you had safe sex, if not get checked.
I may not be greatest guy and have my faults; however I could tell you the best relationships I have had were those where the both of us could be honest with each other about everything....sounds easy but in practice is hard. The fact that he hid feeling from you should be a sign for you to move on.
Enjoy your time in the US, move on...trust me in the long run (perhaps as early as 100 days) this relationship will not matter. I am sure you can think of some incident in your life when you thoughts things were bad and know that you look back you dont understand why you were so hurt and/or feel the same way
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Rititt -
I love him more than I love myself. I do want his attention - who doesn't want their partner's attention? I don't want an adventurous relationship. You get me wrong. I don't accept paying for sex or cheating before meeting him. In fact, I have never experienced a guy like him in my life before. It's just I love him so I accept it. I love him both good and bad. Don't think all women are so tricky and sophisticated. I'm not - my work life is complicated enough so I want a stable and happy private life with my love one.
Mr Hong Kong -
He told me this new gf wouldn't accept his "hobby". He sounded he's serious with her but he said he didn't know as it's just a few weeks and no one knew what would happen. He said he'd moved on and so should I.
Hk6279 -
Oh, how did you know he has fetish? He does. He tried that when he's away for business trips. His family had asked him to see a psychiatrist for his commitment and sex addict issues.
He mentioned once he wanted to have an indonesian wedding. He also said he had a friend married a maid and lived in a rural area in indonesia.
Maybe you're right - he will go back to her at the end. I thought about that a lot since Incident 1 but he assured me he would pick me over her any days in his life.
It hurts when he shared all our stories and chat with the new gf. He was once with discretion but now he's changed so much.
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" When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful."
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i've seen so many cases like yours. notice how many times you have complained about his new girl friend. prostitutes are not competitors, she's the one and you are so pissed off about it because deep inside you you know well that he prefers her to you and that hurts despite the fact that he told you to move on. it's a pretty dangerous situation, you will be stuck in this jealous/depressive mood for a while and it will affect you, you will continue to be obsessed with him for many years to come, you will hate men, you will isolate yourself and at then end you will become bitter and live in your past since you won't find anyone like him despite knowing that each person is different, you will continue to find someone like him. you must get out of this situation and fast. i know that the more i said to leave, you would want to continue and hang on to your hope. it is consistent with you being willing to be with such a person (no woman would want this kind of guy, what a jerk he is, taking advantage of weak person such as you) and continue to hope to be with him. any normal woman would have run away and fast! so get out now before it's irreversible.
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and it's people like you who allow this jerk to take advantage of women here. besides his new girl friend, i'm pretty sure he has a few more extra to satisfy his ego and sex drives. he wouldn't dare do this in his territory, women in his country wouldn't allow him to do such things, they would run away after slapping hard the guy. Again, i've seen so many cases of the white expats coming here with good financial packages and they come here on a temporary basis and want to have fun and live like they are in paradise here (they can't do that in their country where they pretty much suffer) so they want to enjoy to the fullest their sex drive without given any consideration to the feelings of local women who clearly have much less experience or are pretty naive when dealing with such jerks. also women in asia are much more tolerant then their counterparts in the west, and so they take advantage of it. saying that, not every expats are like him, some are pretty decent and hard working.
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Of course I'm jealous about his current gf. He knows that too. He knew I let him pay for sex & support the maid because he assured me he wouldn't fall for them. The crazy ex was the only time drove me nuts and we had a fight and I cried so much about that. He said he find her because he would be lonely after my departure. Then all of a sudden, he got introduced to this gf.
I know how it feels to be away from home - the freedom to do whatever I want to do. I grew up in a western country and I dated white expats before - of course there are decent guys there. I won't conclude all guys are like him. He's just special and different from the norm.
We're financially independent and I took care of him as much as I could - maybe not as good as the maid but I tried my best. I just want to know what has gone wrong in the relationship. We laughed, we shared and we lived together for awhile.
People change, right? He once said he would settle down at 45... I'm trying to move on but it doesn't harm to have a little hope on this, right?
In sorrow there is hope.
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nothing has gone wrong, it's just there wasn't a relation to start with! this guy has been using u like a toy. there was no love whatsoever. what else u need to be convinced? you yourself have been complaining so many times how fast he moved in and how fast he is intimate with the new girlfriend. wake up!!!!
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On a lighter note , your situation is not as unique as you think , in the '80 's a song was even written about exactly this situation, DIANA ROSS;;;;UPSIDE DOWN... Go and search it and listen to the lirics...!!! This was written before your time , i guess you in early 20 's..
If this guy just realise how fortunate he is somebody love him unconditionally , he will cherish you for ever, hopefully your things work out , against all odds , who knows!!?? i hope so
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This guy does not need anybody else to love him unconditionally, he is happy to be in love with himself. He is a narcissist and I would advise the OP to avoid him at all costs. Apart from anything else, it is only a matter of time before he contracts an STD, and also probably "falls in love" with a prostitute, and spends all his money.
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"falls in love" with a prostitute... He falls in love with the maid. He dumped her because she's not presentable. That's why they're still in touch.
STI.. I don't know, probably. Maybe he stops paying for sex after meeting this new gf. But he's flying to south east asia this weekend - he booked that before meeting this girl. Maybe he won't do anything...
Seriously, do people change? Once a cheater always a cheater? But if I know the truth, then it's not cheating...
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What is the current situation between the two of you? Are you talking every day? Does he tell you every day about his life?
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Imagine being in a serious relationship with a man whose hobby is going out every night, paying for sex.
"Where's Daddy tonight, Mummy?" "Oh, just down the Wanch again, dear".
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imho a woman (who had ever received money for performing sex) will have no problem at all to tolerate her husband's hobby of going out banging hookers because she had been there before. been there done that. she had done the same to other men and she knew very well that it is done with no emotions involved. it's not love. it's simply business transaction, supply and demand. i applaud R for successfully keep himself away from OP. he is one lucky guy and very smart. he bangs the maid, the prostitutes, old women, young women, whoever happens to be on his radar only because those women are too easy and too available to be banged. i'm for one very careful when the women refused to be paid because these kind of women mostly have a secret agenda, full of sh*t and end up as very aggressive stalkers. i have encountered many of them esp here in hongkong and china. my career almost ruin by them. they grope you shamelessly, acting as if they are desperately in love with you. but the moment you're away for working they do exactly the same to your buddy next door. they just play the game to find out which guy naive enough to be first hitched by them. to immediately agreed to be in a stable relationship. being in a relationship is very important for them as a way to increase their market value among their clients and competitors. i have been long enough here in asia to meet many of these craps. i have nothing against women and marriage, but the behaviors of many women here in asia makes me think a million times before i marry one of them or even just be in a committed relationship with one of them. many women here dont know ethics. and they can lie like there is no tomorrow. i cant complain about the low-educated ones, but suprisingly the highly educated ones do the same. sigh ... is it the asian (chiense) culture to be blamed? or their fathers? their mothers? male teachers? religions? or is it again the mistake of CY Leung (LOL) ... expect another protest against CY Leung by the end of this week, organised by women who cant get a man to be in a committed relationship with her although she allows him to have a hobby of going regularly to wanchai to get serviced by prostitutes because the gf/wife wants to stay naive and ignorant of keeping the guy sexually satisfied
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Mr Hong Kong - He told me his travel plan a couple weeks after I left (before meeting his new gf). He planned until March. Not sure if she will join him now. He said I'm allowed to call him once a month and email once every other week. She knows I called.
woods99 - Never thought about marrying him because he will not b a good father.
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singapore women are tough and strict. that's what this guy needs, someone who can control him so he is scared of her and be more careful on what he does. like a mama taking care of his baby boy!
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Hong Kong women are pretty tough, too, in my experience.
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Songyu - sorry to hear you had been cheated. No wonder you sound so bitter. Poor boy.
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Rititt - yes. He said he liked being control in that way. He mentioned to me.
Again, I wasn't like this before meeting this guy. I wanna know why too.
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yeah, 30 years is still ok to find the right man, not yet too late... and you should be able to compete against a 40years old from singapore, not that you have to compete with this woman but to give you hope and encouragement to cut this guy loose and start afresh, it's not too late if physically you are desirable.
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Why are you guys talking about age all the time? I have single male friends above 30 too. I have a friend dating a woman 7 years senior and he's just turned 34. It doesn't matter how rich or how old you're. It's just about if you love them or not.
My life is that simple. I just hope he'll be with me. I haven't thought about long term plan i.e. marriage with him. Not at all. He's a nice person in certain ways, when he's not that selfish.
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for sure i prefer younger women.
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Amestris 2013 - loving a guy like him doesn't mean I don't have common sense.
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I admitted I idolised him.
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FairyRCBu
A healthy relationship should be empowering, but you have lost all sense of self worth.
This rat has treated you so badly you don;t even know what is considered acceptable any more.
Stop justifying his behaviour. It absolutely stinks.
Amestris has it correct. You have no common sense. You might try to romanticize your situation with "in sorrow there is hope" but these phrases are crutches to justify your road to self destruction. You need to grow up (and I don't mean your physical age, but your emotional maturity).
Maybe you should think about a long term plan and stop acting like a abused victim. This guy is willing to drop you the minute an alternative girl comes along. As you get older and less physically attractive, there is NOTHING that will persuade him to stay with you. In fact, he has already moved on! Further, he did not even answer you definitively when you asked if you could meet up again in the future... he's just keeping his booty call options open... this guy is absolutely narcissistic in my book and a coward devoid of any moral compass...
To be honest, there is no difference between the way he treats you and a prostitute... apart from the fact that the prostitute gets paid. It's plain to see that he cares for neither, finds both dispensable, and expects both to serve his needs only.
Wake up and smell the coffee. Take control over your own life and move on.
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" I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed "
Wake Up, Get Over It & Move On
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Everyone -
I know what I should do. I'm getting slightly better. I have never told all those details about the situation to all my friends because I suck it up all the time. Thanks for all advises. I never thought about the situation from those angles. I can see someone was hurt here and gave strange comments. I guess I’m not the only one going through similar sh!t.
I believe I'm a decent person and I did nothing wrong. He praised me being too nice all the time. I guess it shouldn't be a shortcoming. Maybe he wil come back, who knows?
I still don't have a long term plan - no plan is the plan.
You can never tell. I would take a year break of dating – just too much for me. I don’t care how old I’m or I will be married or not. If a guy just likes me because I’m young I will not be with him (oh, I think I’m talking about R, but it's not everything about look between us). Physical attractiveness is important but it’s not everything (I dated a good looking dude before, I know how it felt).
I have not moved on, I still have hope because I believe people do change.
My friends reconciled with their exes. It happened. Maybe I’m childish, naïve and lack of common sense. It’s just not everything in life is rational. I still accept who he’s. I sincerely hope he will change and we will be together. If he doesn’t change, I will still cherish him if I have a chance.
In sorrow there is hope.
PS. Songyu – I hope you will heal soon. Not all women are like that, at least none of my friends are.
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Believe me, he won't change. People only change when they really want to.
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He did say his new gf wouldn't accept his hobby. I do believe he will change.
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Dear OP, you dont need to worry about me getting healed. i'm having fantastic time here living and working in Asia including the "buffet of Asian women" (not only Hongkong and mainland china, though). this can happen thanks to the women who are insecure, mentally disturbed, unethical, dishonest, drooling of having a relationship with a western guy just because they wanna see a 'hoo-ha' which is much larger than the size of an AAA battery. i will definitely settle down if i can meet a girl with attractive appearance and personality as well as highly educated, but also very important someone who has ethics and good principle in life, someone who's not weak in their mind, and not a control freak who act like a strict mother. i'm looking for a wife to be loved, not a mother to control me. though i won't object if eventually the love of my life decides to be a full time wife and mother to finish all my hard earning money. definitely i won't settle down with women who easily sleeps around with any men in her efforts to find a man who can give her an exclusive relationship, or those naggers who enjoys telling stories how they are being abused and victimised by the man they love ...
if you wanna him to change, you must first change and take serious efforts to be a better you. that's my 2 cents.
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songyu, you're right but you are talking about a very small minority of local women which is normal you are in the expat world. there are so many local women who are very desirable and fit your criteria but as expats it's tough to be in their world, most of them would run away when they see westerners.
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the OP is not a local, she's what we called an overseas chinese and it's more difficult for them to live in hongkong. they are not local enough to be accepted and not western enough to be an expat, big problem of identity. i wont be surprise if she cant speak or read cantonese. Also at 30, it's past her prime time to settle and start a family, it usually happens between 25 to 29 for the real locals so she ends up dating expats and the bad one because the good ones wont be interested in this type of women they get better with real western women. she's really in a limbo, typical for most oversea chinese who come to hongkong.
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The guy is in love with his new gf. All the changes you see in him is because of this current girl.
You, on the other hand, never get this message, even though the guy explicitly told you so. ("I have meet this wonderful woman who changed me.")
Now, move on with your life please. He is going to get married with this new bg.
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FairyRCBu,
You really need to learn to love yourself. You are a better person than this man, he is a creep.
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I think people, its a bit more than saying "love yourself" because its obvious OP has a very skewed idea of what "love" is and that somehow its ok to "love" someone who even the maid had enough self-respect to leave while the OP thought she lucked out in this fortuitous turn of events!
*SMH*
Its a simple matter of a lack of self-respect, self-esteem, self-awareness.
Anyone and their blind dog can tell this poster that the man she is with is NOT a catch, that the man she is wasting precious tears over is a d-bag extraordinaire, that the man she claims to love has as little respect for her as she has for herself...I mean, *cough* texting her pics of hookers he's with? WTF planet are we respiring on?
"People change. Maybe I could be the one he would settle down with."
Erm, get this through that not so information-osmosis friendly cranium of yours OP - douchebags, and in the case of your winner, Psychopaths, DO NOT change. And you know why? Because they don't need to. Because there will always be people like you who think bending over and taking it up the poopchute, just like all the other sorry idiots before you, is what will "win" this Psychopaths undying love and attention, and as long as you perpetuate this, its just a "dog, new tricks" thing. And I'm afraid its YOU that needs the changing.
YOU are the one coming at this all wrong, assuming he will change, assuming he will pick you, assuming he will be there for you when he hits 45, all your assumptions are WRONG.
He will not be the person you want him to be because he doesn't have to be. Bad guys don't get comeuppance. Bad people don't get karma come back and boomerang on them. Bad guys simply get away with everything they can and they don't give a rats arse what you think, what anyone thinks, and they don't feel bad even if they say it when they think its what you want to hear!
Wise up. Grow up. Gain some self respect and quit feeling sorry for yourself when in actuality you are the ONLY one who can get yourself out of this mess and you are simply acting as if you don't know this.
YOU picked this idiot, you think you need him, you think he is going to need you too, sorry, but you are simply, and not for the first time, still, wrong.
Move on. Nothing for you that would benefit you resides within this d-head. You are just one equivalent of a woman who is beaten by a drunk husband and still says "he will change, i love him, waaaaaaaahhh" Your relationship to this guy, from start onwards, was abusive and doomed to end badly...now you are at the end, quit flogging that dead horse...its dead.
Good luck working on that self-respect thing. I would recommend therapy, for sure. And maybe look at your childhood and see what the deal is with your dad, was he never around? What the hell makes you think this man is such a keeper? Generally women who think of men like this as winners are usually coming from a household with Daddy issues. Just sayin.
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Women over 30 have more chance of getting hit by lightening than getting married!
I think OP needs a bit of a shock to wake her up and see things as they really are. Forget your heart and use your head.
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OP
Just read what Justin Credible wrote. That is basically 100% spot on.
The problem with abused women (either emotionally or physically abused women) is that their frames of reference are completely screwed up.
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I understand what Justin Credible said.
But he's not that bad, he's honest to me. That pic was very shocking. I did ask why he sent it to me. He said its just to show me the fun.
I'm not sure if he would change anytime soon. But he's not a 100% bad one. He has good things too.
FYI, I don't have daddy issue. It's just I like him. I'm trying to move on and I take longer time than others.
Relationship should be kept simple. People change. I believe that.
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FairyRCBu,
Yes, I believe people do change, but sorry to say, they change only for the men/women they really love.
Speak frankly, I have been sucking at my life and still don't know what to do...but, I feel very very sorry to the people around me because they are affected by my emotions, you know, they don't deserve it.
People say, there is no right or wrong in love, is it correct?
I feel sorry for your sadness, for your obsession, for your meeting with this guy. I truely hope that you will return to your normal life soon.
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OP, no matter what, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB!!
I don't think this man is a match for you. He is not worth you giving up your hard work earned job.
This man needs someone to discipline him??? I'm sorry, how old is he? And you know the old saying, it's only you that can make yourself change. Without his will power, he is not going to change. From your point of view, this new 40 YO GF changed him but, no. It's simple as she has more experience in how to deal with these type of guys or her nature just suits him.
If you are so obsessed with him, make him beg for you to come back. Read sales technique books, read the book "Why Men like Bi*&es." until you memorize the words. Or watch a couple of Jane Austin movies!!!
You will be horrified that you have done everything for him to disrespect you and had the nerves to tell you what will chase away most girls. I'm seriously getting upset about him just reading your post.
Love does not exist without respect and I tell you, he has 0 respect in you right now. When his expiration date comes, or when he gets seriously burnt with someone else, I think then, maybe he will finally appreciate you. Are you going to wait for that day wasting your time?
Instead, work hard, play hard, polish yourself, come back to HK for a holiday in such a good condition and rub it in his face what he has lost . Maybe, along the journey, you might find something else!!!
If you cannot live without thinking about him, channel it into something more positive like making yourself a respectable girl for him, dreaming of the X day.
And guys really hate being chased, even if you are married. You are suppose to be the one chased and not you chasing him, reset that first!
Good Luck and do not quit your job!!!
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nice sob story
but this is the risk when you pick men at pubs and discos.
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wow, I think it is obvious what the stars have in store for you
you should definitely write a book about love and intrigue, you'll be like the JK rowling's of adults :)
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"He has good things too."
You better illustrate your answer with examples.
>> He's nice in certain way. He doesn't want to hurt all women, but he couldn't control himself. He moved around from country to country when he's little - couldn't blame him of getting bored easily when he's grown up.
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FairyRCBu,
It seems you have decided to wait for his coming back someday? Have you prepared yourself for going through hard time? You know, it can be very heartache.
The problem is, you may not get what you expect eventually after a long wait, is that what you want? I am not trying to persuade you to give up because I deeply understand that no one can change any one if the one choose not to. I just feel sad to see you waiting for something that might not happen.
BTW, are you two still keeping in contact?
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badnstupid -
I'm moving on. Getting a bit better everyday. I don't know if I'm waiting for him or not. I just need a break of everything. It's been too tiring. Even I got severe heartache, he's worth it. I had happy time with him.
We contact occasionally and he tells me about his life.
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Get a hobby, join a social group or church, do some regular exercise. Take care of yourself first.
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"He's nice in certain way. He doesn't want to hurt all women, but he couldn't control himself. He moved around from country to country when he's little - couldn't blame him of getting bored easily when he's grown up."
Pffff, boo frikken hoo.
I moved around from country to country as a kid and I grew up with ogres for parents... That didn't make me treat others with so little respect.
Here is my pet peeve about people, formerly even myself. You stay with someone even though things are crap because, well, you know, it isnt ALL crap. As if the only reason to leave is because it has to ALL be crap.
I'm sorry, but where exactly are you in the believing you deserve something that is ALL good?
Lol...apparently nowhere. You are too busy making excuses for this terdbucket of a man and you think somewhere in there lies your salvation, like you are some kind of awesome woman for seeing his good side. Little are you prepared for what you really are, a woman who is selling herself way short and who has no idea that all her kindness and acceptance is for naught. Sorry, but its true. You are simply not willing to seek the truth, which is why its odd that you even posted on here at all, all the advice in the world would fall on your deaf ears...what a shame, really.
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Justin Credible -
So, he's not ALL crap in my eyes. He's a jerk but he's not ALL crap. I'm not making excuses. Every human being has their nice side. I'm not an awesome woman seeing his good side. If I was that awesome, I would still be with him. If he's ALL crap, the new gf wouldn't stay with him.
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FairyRCBu > it seems everyone on this thread is telling you to get out of this relationship, and you're ignoring our advice. You are in denial. For your own sake, find a better man.
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It is not a bad thing to speak for someone you love...The point is, he is not with you now, he went for other woman, this is a fact, at least for now.
Who knows what will happen in the future, there is always a chance that he will come back to you. But now, you have to live your life without him, this is another fact.
Move on please, that is the way it is.
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Quill
11 yrs ago
hi. just one question to yourself. do you like to be in such choas in your rest of your life?
throw him away from your heart. do things best for yourself.
keep up.
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I was back in January for a short holiday but I didn't tell him even I knew I might have a chance to be back with him. Then I'm back again for holiday now. I met with him last night for a short while.
He hasn't changed slightest. He told me they had sex with her every night for the past few months but in this week he couldn't do it. It's getting to the 6 months period. I believe he would be ok with her in long term as he abandoned all his old friends and basically she's everything he has now. When everyone in the office know you are dating a colleague, you can hardly get out of the relationship. But he thought he wouldn't marry her. He doubted it completly. Of course, he's still supporting the maid and the gf does no have a clue.
He's like a teenage girl whom spends all his time around gf and no other life. I thought he's better than this. It's surprising. You may say he loves her so much. Maybe. But no matter how much you love a person, you still need your own life but not evolving yours around someone's.
When we talked, I found out he had no idea who I am/was. He's shallow and immature. I did idolize him before which I couldn't see his shortcomings. Hmm I have never let him know much about me. Couldn't blame everything on him.
I used to think a guy at 39/40 would be mature but I was so wrong. Somehow, he slept with tones of women but it didn't make him mature and cool.
I think it's a good idea to meet ex bf. I met him to seek a closure. I'm disappointed about his immaturity and inappropriate talks during the conversation. Just... Full of disappointment.
I didn't hate him. The opposite of love is not hatred but indifference. What I feel is disappointment on myself that I didn't engage a conversation like this earlier to wake myself up.
It's not those maid, prostitutes and crazy ex dramas put me off. Im still fine with those things. It's what he actually thinks in his mind.
How could a 39 years old with such childish mind accuse others to be immature? Anyway, it's good to meet different types of people in life.
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Topol
11 yrs ago
The difference between your first posts and your last one are like night and day. I'm glad you you seem to be moving forward. The only danger might be your ex might sense your indifference which will make him more interested!
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Hopefully, we gain a little wisdom as we get older.
But He is just a Dog!
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I agree with Topol, you have moved forward and grown as a person.
He, on the other hand, is just a kid. You certainly made the right move.
What he has now is an obsession, not a relationship; These never end well.
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Yes. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I still believe he will change but I have to move forward as I still have other goals in my life I want to achieve, something other than relationship. I hope we will remain friends. He's a bit odd now as he's afraid his gf would find out we're in touch. Probably because his gf is the only one he has now so he couldn't contact anyone she doesn't know (other than their mutual colleagues).
But I think it's better to have 1000 friends than having 1 enemy.
God knows what will happen in future? But I really need a break from any love relationship now.
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Are you mad? Move on and life your own life. He sounds like a loser.
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