Posted by
Ed Chiu
11 yrs ago
I am in catch 22 situation. Have a beautiful but uncaring wife who is always making excuses for not to have sex. I was on this forum 3 yrs ago for advice and has since tried everything. She is ok most of times but sometimes goes into a screaming rage. By way of background we have 2 young kids, are Indian professionals with good jobs and salaries. She also works in a multinational company. Always keeps tabs on me and is extremely jealous but herself is very social and friendly. I have had enough but do not want the children to suffer. Any advice, I am at my wit's end. She refuses to see a counsellor. We have't had any sex for a year and usually have it maybe 5-6 times a YEAR, yes a year and I am now disgusted by her and have stopped asking. What is HK law on this? We are in early forties and outwardly everyone think e have a great marriage. I have tried expensive holidays, jewellery, flowers , show of affection etc....
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It sounds a familiar situation. Waiting do not work on this kind of situation. You had to take her to see professional counseling. ASAP.
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RA
11 yrs ago
Have you asked her why? if she refuses to answer then tell her you both need to visit a marriage counsellor because this relationship is not working.
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She always give excuses of being tired with kids and then spends hours in night talkin to friends. bTW I am decent looking, with slim athletic figure and play sports regularly. Also there is no sexual problems with me at least such as erectile dysfunction etc. is there such a thing as female impotency....she loves foreplay and then avoids intercourse. Also refuses to take contraceptives and gets pregnant easily...maybe that is the fear. Lately I have also become diffident and uncaring , but who can blame me after 12 years. Maybe she is having an affair as she hides her e mails,locks her phone, facebook and demands access to all of mine.how do I find out??
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Agree with above 2 replies but she refuses to seek counseling. Says problem is with me....I am the pervert for demanding sex. I feel there is definitely a bit of paranoia there in her family and her. She throws a fit,screams , get jealous to the point that I can't even talk to any female in her presence while she goes hot hugging and kissing colleagues as she claims to be a modern woman. Even I cannot have haircut from a female hairdresser.....she goes into a rage, and next moment is fine. I have been trying to accommodate but is now too much. Insults me with vulgarities in front of children and if I respond threatens to call police, even with no violence on my part. But to be fair, is sweet as honey next moment, ESP. If her family or friends are there.
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Strawblade , I think you have hit the nail on the head. Her mother and 1 sister have these streaks as well. Maybe it's undiagnosed or she knows and that is why she avoids counseling. She has doctors in family....ours was a arranged marriage but we both like each other at that time. When I ignore her she gets all romantic and says we should spend time together....blah. Blah. Even in bed if I show disinterest she wants to cuddle up and the moment I say lets do it she turns cold. It's like a frustrating power struggle. On top of it her whole family keeps on commenting even after so many years hat she is so beautiful and I was lucky etc. etc. and here I am slaving away at a lot more prestigious job , paying for all household expenses, while she puts money in bank.
Anyway how do I starton that road? She does not want counseling ......maybe scared that she will be found out. Any contacts etc for the above .....
Rgds
Ed
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bmurv
11 yrs ago
Caring is good but don't link it with expectation of sex, separate the two. Get a vasectomy if you two are done with having kids, this way it will ease her mind about unwanted pregnancies. Her sex drive is always going to be many times lower than yours, she needs to feel safe and turn off her worries before she can be turned on. She may be struggling with anger and control issues but not telling you. To fix a sexless marriage, do not start with trying to have more sex, try talking, women talk to bond. Good luck!
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Strawblade thanks , do you or anybody have recommendations for who to see. Bmurv you are obviously a woman, it might happen that I do that and then we separate, then I would've lost everything...straw blade the thought of being a terrible lay has crossed my mind , so I would be more than thrilled if she can find someone better, if she does not have one already....then we can go separate ways and I won't feel guilty. 12yrs is a long time....I do look 10 yrs younger than my age, but its the sister who lives here are always egging her on her good looks. For the sake of my sanity and dignity I now need to find a soln. We arealladults and now I am mentally prepared to cut ties....it's just the kids who would be devastated. It's not a spur of the moment decision, but has come thru after lying next to a beautiful woman who won't have sex.....there are cultural issues here as in India virginity is cherished and sex is dirty..she acts .just like a premarital girlfriend. I have analyses it over 12 yrs and still confused. Bmurv I gave her space, allowed kids to grow older,established my successful business, got her diamonds, luxury watches and never did for me...and the result is things have gone from bad to worse. If I am nice, I am taken for granted and if not then she has reason to be non- responsive, Right...so what do I do ??
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I can recommend Frederick Stander at the New Age Shop - Tel 2810 8694. Tell them you want couple's counseling when you book. I cannot vouch for him enough.
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She has constructed the rules of the marriage to suit herself, and provide no satisfaction to you. This is not a marriage this is a sham.
Think about what she is doing –
She is an extrovert, possessive, secretive, controlling, but does not want intercourse. Either -
(a) She has mental health issues
OR -
(b) She is hyper-selfish, and having affairs, but does not want you to.
It doesn’t matter which, because the solution is the same - LEAVE NOW.
The only reason not to leave now is you are going to hire a private investigator to get the proof of her affairs first.
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Thanks dave, but what about children,,,they are innocent and will be devastated. On the other hand i agree with you as i can still start a new life while i am still in forties. where to get a private investigator??
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Also to people who says she is bipolar---How come she is always at best behiavour in office and with friends....when she wants to. The rage is only with me. For example if the phone rings in middle of fight , her voice is absolutely normal to her friends.
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Whatever is wrong with her, she is not bipolar. Going into a screaming rage, then switching back to miss nice when talking on the phone shows self control - Bipolar sufferers cannot do this. Bipolar sufferers spend periods of depression that they cannot help - there has been no mention of depression. So she's not bipolar.
Yes, a divorce is going to be hard on the kids - but how is growing up with a monster like her going to affect them ?
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Yeah Dave, I think I am being taken for a ride, she is not depressed, just negative personality. Her sister is same and has tremendous control over her. She is a type A person, who thinks she is best. Her mom also said to me that in their house only the elder sis has a say....they talk all the time and my wife also shouts at my sis and parents. I tried to control the situation but is getting out of hand. Btw she has unhappy marriage as well.why do other thinks she is bipolar???. Also I have caught her many times, lying to me...
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Why do others think she is Bipolar????
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i am venting yes, but also convincing myself its the right thing to do. After all these years i see no hope of her changing and feel i have no other choice. If there were no children it would have been a easy choice. Something i would have done in a day. do people know the divorce laws and alimony in this case....
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You are hard working.
You provide food and roof for your family.
You love your wife.
But your wife does not love you anymore.
Time for you to leave, or else you will go crazy.
I know someone who got divorced with a young kid. The kid is living with the ex-wife he's giving financial support, paying the mortage, school fees etc. He's very happy now.
After a couple of years apart the ex-wife now wants to get back together but he said no thanks.
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bi-polar disorder, schizophrenic..........???
geez, what happen to the good ol'days when these people were just plain known as bit*hes ???
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if she is still useful looking after the kids, keep her and find yourself a mistress.
if she's totally useless and don't even take care of the children then find youself another wife or become bachelor again.
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No women wants to be a mistress.
Do you UNDERSTAND????
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Ed Chiu -
" Even in bed if I show disinterest she wants to cuddle up and the moment I say lets do it she turns cold."
Is that what you actually say ... "Let's do it." ...?
Quite frankly, if that's your line, it probably p****s her off! If, when you show no interest, she wants to cuddle, then let her take the lead ... but don't get to the point where you say the above and p*** her off ... let her carry on and see what happens, without pressuring her into having sex. If you do continue to cuddle/caress, without putting her under pressure by saying the above, you might find she actually wants to go further ...
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Well, she is very devoted to children , to be honest....
Giving her an ultimatum soon to see a counsellor or no affection from me. Snarling at her all the time, becoz she irritates me so much.btw I call her "useless" very often now, Ashe is really useless to me for everything, even a cup of tea...
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Bad relationships reach a point where one party cannot take any more. At this point there are several options.
(1) Walk Out
(2) Ultimatium for the other to change or (1)
(3) Counselling, with the expecation the other will change or (2).
(4) Accept continued suffering, but compensated with extramarital affairs, drinking, etc.
You've heard all 4 suggestion on this thread.
I do not recommend (4)
(1) thru (3) net out as follows - either the relationship changes or it breaks up. Very simple. If she's not willing to even get counselling, then she's driving you to option (1). You could try (2) & (3) first because it will assuage your conscience that you did your best .... but if she's as bad as you have posted you are certain to end up back at (1).
p.s. I think Gee Whiz has the correct diagnosis.
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Thanks Capt and others for common sense and logical advice. It has been rewarding to post here and get some perspective , rather than bottling it up. Wish I had done it sooner. Its so difficult when you are a man to divulge these details and seek advice from friends and family. Advice from anonymous well wishers with no stake has been good.
Are there any counsellors you guys could reccommend?? I do want to go thru capt dave"s 4 steps and start with counselling becoz what you have read above is my perspective only. I am sure she has her reasons....rightly or wrongly. I am a reasonable guy and happy to see both sides of coin but it is just so frustrating to understand her and I guess women in general.
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hahahaha..........."Let's do it"............sorry for LMAO but if that's the best you can do when a woman cuddles up to you then, I think the whole picture is now becoming more clear
You're made for each other........
every jackass derserves the bit*ch he get..........sorry, but this is so funny :)
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Gee whiz & sapphire, guys.....don't be so naive. It was just a matter of speech or writing even I Said let's do it. I meant when I make the final move.
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hmmm, so what else are you telleing us that is a matter of speech
we can't read minds only words :)
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I can relate as was in a loving marriage that slowly became more like a great friendship.. though sex was never quite as bad as that! I'm also overseas born Indian descent.. so can kinda relate..
Start preparing for the worst case scenario..
A few reasons i say that:
1. She's ultra control freak, but monitor's you like a fine tooth comb
2. She's a social butterfly but jealous of u... hmmm...
3. She locks her private life up tight, but wants to know all about you..
These are really warning signs of her hiding something or possibly she's having an affair and worried you are too..
I would definitely start by seperating finances off and putting cash/assets somewhere she can't access or even know about.. just in case..
She refuses to see a counsellor? Take her on a "blind holiday" - somewhere with no internet or mobile signal would be ideal.. but lots of sunshine, beach and not much else to do except hang with each other.. that way you can have that heart to heart that's just dying to get out and find out what exactly is going on between those two ears of hers!
Help her "lose" her phone.. and put a spyware on her computer.. it's time you found out what she's really hiding from u.. you may not LIKE what u find out.. but u really need to know what's going on!
It might be innocent and she's just feeling more like friends than being lovers.. but better safe than later sorry...
cheers mate n good luck :-)
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Ed, what you are going through is not uncommon. People often give up in this stage in a marriage, but with patience it will pass. I can offer some advice that can help.
First you must earn her respect. She no longer respects you and you cannot force her to respect you, this must be earned. The first way to do this is to be impeccable in your word. Do what you say you will do when you say you will do it and never lie. Dishonesty or inconsistency will lose any respect you have gained.
Second, learn to win by refusing to fight. Let her know that name calling and raising her voice are not acceptable and you will not respond. It is important you follow through with this. When she gets angry remain silent or leave. She will try to find a way to cause you to lose your temper, but you must not. Be prepared to lose a few battles, but in this way you will win the war.
Third, honor her desires they way she wishes you to honor yours. If she does not want you to hug a female co-worker then don't. Do not fight with her if she does these things. You won't change her by demanding you be permitted to do as she does. It is also wise to find ways to compliment her, especially after she has done something she knows you do not like.
There is much more to a marriage than the sex. Great sex with a contentious woman still leads to misery. Treat her as if she has no faults and refuse to fight in time she will be overcome by the shame of her own behavior. This is when you will see changes in her. This will require work and practice on your part. Remember not to try to force her to change, let it come naturally. As her respect you grows she will change naturally.
This will take work and time. Do not allow a few failures to discourage you. Consistency and patience will prevail.
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You can not satisfy her in bed and probably you are not romantic....sorry but that is what I think is the reason. She does not enjoy it with you and that is why she starts it but then goes cold. She does not respect you because of the same reason coz you could not impress her in bed. She is checking on you because she is insecure that because she does not do it with you, you might be having an affair. I would recommend you to get out of this relation asap. You and her are not compatable...nothing will work coz she is a mature woman. Get out of it asap
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zakd
11 yrs ago
Grow a pair and divorce her! Get your pimphand strong and show her you are a man and demand some respect.
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Signs of Bipolar Disorder in Women include Manic Behavior and Depressive Mood
Often, depressive mood changes are easier to recognize in women then manic mood changes. A depressed woman sometimes complains of being abnormally anxious. She might also seek for some meaning in her life as she tries to cope with feelings of emptiness. Furthermore, she can withdrawal and lose interest in doing most things. This is notably seen by a woman's partner when she suddenly and adamantly rejects her partner's sexual advances.
Manic Behavior
While manic moods can be hard to recognize, manic behaviors are not. Women experiencing a manic episode will frequently display erratic and illogical behaviors. For instance, some women will max out an entire credit card in one shopping binge. Others will skip work to start on a new personal project. Some women will engage in spontaneous sexual encounters with strangers or will be uncharacteristically interested in sex. Manic women will also experience trouble sleeping, will speak quickly and are easily distracted
Read more: Signs of Bipolar Disorder in Women
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click on the link and watch it, brother, ... who knows, something out of it can be a great help for you. Marriage isn't always a piece of cake but it's worth all the efforts to keep it. I had been there and done that. I was foolish enough to give up on my wife, kept on blaming her, found her faults in many things, and eventually ended up getting divorced but I still regret it very much up to this minute. Though afterwards I got no problem in finding a new woman whenever and whereever I want (for LTR or ONS), still I wish that I haven't taken the divorce path.
https://youtu.be/-pouIFiaIig?si=5TnAdHr-Buy82YB_
Get her to cry with you to release her pent-up fears and emotions, to accept the existence of those feelings and then release them for the good of both of you.
Be playful with her and get her sing and dance with you to the words of this song:
https://youtu.be/02OZeIVHeWo?si=3GhDV44GaCE4YR2d
Best of luck, bro!
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Maybe she suffers pain during intercourse after giving birth? Using a condom might make it even more painful?
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I strongly recommend you to contact Mrs Cheung who is specialized in doing relationship works. Her office is in central and you can email her artsinpsychotherapy@live.co.uk for more information
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krips
11 yrs ago
About a year or more the very same scenario was posted. I get the impression that you seek a thrill by reposting it just to get some pervert pleasure of these all types of comments. i suspect that you are a Sindhi who normally catergorise their marriage requirement as (1) Beauty (2) From a community Respectable Family (3) Getting reguar sex (one position) and satisfying the male urge with no concern for the wife's satisfaction - which is hampered due to the upbringing (in which the women is brought up to believe that if she gains sexual pleasure than she is a slut). Tell me I am wrong. krips.
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Dear OP
Since you seem super resentful to her, there could be nothing done but, just a female opinion from whom used to act like your wife. And have you ever considered that maybe she has also given up on love a long time ago and just staying for the kids?
She is not bipolar. It just means that she can separate her anger and not give it to other people and in general, she wants to be a nice person, who doesnt? Motherhood makes you do it better, if you need to make a point with child1, you can't drag child2 along into the " don't mess with me" vibe, that's unfair on 2. Or, Why would the mailman have to be greeted in an attitude just because he arrived in the middle of screaming to you? Or maybe she wanted to rub it in you're face, how nice she could be.
Did not appreciate the gifts and pampering? Maybe it was too late to recover? BTW, did she ever tell you " you never listen to me." or did ou ever make comments on her motherhood skills or about her body post partum before you labelled her useless? But, you were on the right track as a starter and maybe you quit before the resentment ice started breaking. If you just pamper her with goodies, and your attitude of effort does not follow, we take it as, ok, here goes, band aid tactics again but, how long do I have to put up with this?
Sexless, when u were " doing it" regularly, did you make sure you pleasured her most times? I would be part if it was just my partner having an orgasm every time. Also you have got to know, for mothers, being in the mood is a tremendous effort. We are constantly looking at sexual Parts. Diaper change, bath, changing them, thinking how to gently dis encourage touching thyself, holding your sons little penis so that the pp won't go out of the bowl, ow, better yet, your own son asking you to rub his "willie" because something happens, etc. Quite frankly, couple of years going through this, you sort of loose that mysterious feeling about sex. And yes we are tired. I let my husband take care of our 1 year apart toddlers for a whole weekend all by himself, the cherry on the top was, they were both sick and he finally understood why I was exhausted by the end of the day. ( hearing my deeds, did it make you feel that there's someone worse out there?)
Jealousy, you sure she's really doing it? I do that too just to be playful and my husband knows it's a game, he does that to me as well when i am looking at a man thinking, he needs a hair cut.
Counselling, yes we did it. On a different thread, I raved about it. But now I must say, just counselling is not enough. Our wake up call came from our own toddler telling his nursery teacher, " daddy slept in the living room because mommy and daddy doesn't like each other." Now that's bad and you really don't want your 2 years 7 month old's teacher asking if everything is ok. I don't know how much percentage each factor contributes for us to finally stop this and think about controlling the damage we did to our children as a.c.( after children) the only common point we had was our wish for our children to be happy.
My husband's motto is now " happy wife happy life, let her be and don't step on the bomb"
My wise friend told me, " start thinking of divorce when at least one of your children go to full time school, right now, you and your husband shouldn't be having time thinking about divorce if you are doing parenting correctly"
I say, stop being perfect and demand perfection!! It's so suffocating and tiring living with someone who needs perfection! Stop vigorously exercising and grow love handles for a change, she might like it!
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OP, is sex the only basis of your marriage? I beleive it is one of the many other things that are important to sustain a marriage. The reason behind your wife's refusal could be as simple as she's tired or due to some changes in her hormones/overall health, she's just not being aroused for physical acts.
Today you may leave her for a pleasure that wont last long but few years away from today, you will realise the harm you will have caused to yourself, your spouse and your children. Men will never understand to what extent a women can change after having children, both mentally and physically.
What you need is to bring her out one day, speak to her about the issue and listen to her - when i say 'listen' it means you are just doing that and not trying to argue with her to prove your point. People commenting here come from all sorts of different backgrounds, to some, marriage is not important and hence its very easy for them to suggest 'you leave her'. Some of them here may not have children in their lives, which means they do not understand what it will cost you and your children. Are you listening to them? Perhaps you are not listening to 'her'!! which you need to.
Give me one single example of a relationship that has no issues, no fights, no jealousy - majority of the time, women are trying to be controlling not coz she has a evil mind its just that she loves her other half so much that she cannot afford a single mistake.
Its your family - you control it - get your a** out there and sit down with her and tell her what you feel as well. Also, tell her if she doesnt consider physical relationship important to sustain your marriage then you will consider separation. But dont say this until you're sure she's absolutely not interested to talk on the topic.
Hope this helps.
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Profused, are you my husband?
Anyway, thank you so much for expressing the "thing." I cannot agree more.
Sorry to be so mushy but, I have got to give a zillion credits to my husband to have the real courage to change first. When I say this I mean it because as you can see my username, I was the Queen of b. After seeing him make the effort, I knew that I had to change to.
We learnt a lot about ourselves and of course we still have our conflicts but, we learnt how to deal with it( this part counseling). Now we are agin in love and respect, the one we had forgotten and given up.
Another wise phrase from a friend, the same one, "Happy parents, happy children."
I hope OP will really really understand your reply.
Xshoequeen
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I have no advice to you but could resolve this for you with Yuen Method. I need not to meet you or your wife in person. Can do it over phone. Leave me a message if you would like to explore.
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Hi Ed, recently there was an excellent article about a week and a half ago in the Wall Street Journal on how to deal with the problem you currently have.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324874204578438713861797052.html
Hope it helps.
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I yell at my hubby and can be sweet on the phone right away, am I bipolar?
I do not think so.
Just conceal the bad things from friends. Nothing more.
Women are good at that.
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RevJim writes "Treat her as if she has no faults and refuse to fight in time she will be overcome by the shame of her own behavior. This is when you will see changes in her."
Oh really ? she seem pretty shameless to me. Some people have the consicence seared, and will never change. The more you give, the more they take advantage of you.
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Agree with capt Dave, I have been doing it on and off for all these years. If I show anger and aloofness she tries to be nice and friendly and changes straight after I mellow down...
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Elyshajk, Think of it this way : Men might forgive a poor sex life if the wife is very helpful in other ways. And men might forgive a woman being useless at everthing else if she can satisify him in bed. But when a woman cannot do either ?
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Guys! This situation does not exist. This is all made up for the sake of self pitying and getting a cheap thrill out of peoples responses.
The same scenario was posted a year or two ago except that it was posted as a woman in distress.
Shame on you OP!!!
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Ed,
Your problem is that you have let it go on for too long already. You are incompatible. The question is, how much more of your life do you want to waste?
You still have great prospects, you're relatively young, healthy, and have good finances.. You could easily find a person who will value what your wife does not. In a new relationship you'll find happiness again.. so the time you will spend with your children will be of much better quality. I really don't see how being in this relationship is better for your kids if it remains the way it is. And for your own sake, you deserve better.
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Elyshajk : You seem very judgemental of everyone except the wife.
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She has borderline personality disorder high functioning type . Its not curable and not readily treatable . Go to amazon and get stop walking on eggshells and you will learn how to deal with her for the next few years till the kids grow up and you can safely leave her . Fdon't let her know what you plan as at worst your life will be under threat
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Fake situation or not..
@krips You might be sindhi enough to immediately stamp this guy as sindhi. Loads of indian men think that way. Not only indian but chinese, american, british... the whole load of junk like that comes from the way of growing up.. if a boy is born into a family who teaches him that girls are objects and are only meant to clean up and have sex afterwards then the kid will grow into a man who does just that.. so don't label somebody as sindhi.
In Ed's case.. it seems like he expects WAY too much from his wife. You had an arranged marriage.. so clearly you didn't know this woman properly before committing to her and she did not know you. You probably didn't bother to get to know her enough before having kids. Like mentioned above.. you probably don't please her as much as you expect to be pleased.. you are disgusting for thinking that she is supposed to do all thesh*t around the house and after being physically and mentally exhausted with the kids, you expect her to be alive in bed with a man who doesn't give ash*t about how she feels and for the most part you haven't gotten down to asking her what her problem is.. you went online to seek help from strangers.
You need to get a reality check.. your wife might be a wonderful person to others and she treats her kids well.. but when it comes to you she thinks you are heartless for not caring enough.. you think wives are supposed to be maids with the advantage of being able to have sex whenever you like. So yes.. leave her because she will be able to have an amazing AMAZING life without you
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It's interesting that OP only replies to posts that are sympathetic to him when he asked for help.
Fake or not, I think his post does poke emotions but, one thing that I cannot understand is, why would anyone be so cruel to tell the mother of his children "useless" and proudly write it on a public forum?
It just screams a lot about him.
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@elyshajk, I am so happy that at least one person thinks it's odd!!!
Another point, I thought of, people, please don't generalize this as what and Indian couple is, yes, as a lot of posts said it is typical behavior, it could be. But, I think it has more to do with the individual's character.
I can tell you, we know a lot of happily married Indian couples where the wife is stronger and the husband is still smitten. I can see the couple being genuinely loving each other no matter what goes behind the curtain.
As a matter of fact, my husband's mantra came from his Indian boss when he got promoted. " Happy wife Happy life, don't step on the land mine." Boss said, if you cannot keep your wife happy, it talks about your capability as a man, and a professional.
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Just gone through exactly the same thing, still am actually. Get out of there. Exactly like Ed said, why waste your life? My god it's hard when you go through it but it will be worth it in the end if you are lucky enough to find someone that is genuine and loving and on your side. It may take time but slow death is way more painful in the long run.
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Guys, i am trying to make it work....situation has improved slightly, but still a see-saw thing. We promised each other to try to be intimate as I had been acting aloof....which always alarms her and she made some effort. Had a nice afternoon together and initiated romance , but voila the next day her sister called at night and they talked for 2 hours of our prime time. The promise was never fulfilled. But keeping my cool and trying to be not demanding, but nice, lets see if this new thing is sustainable.
BTW, to all the above guys --We have 2 full time maids. so she is not overworked or suffering or anything. Her day job is also part time with lots of time for socialising with other women. To be fair she does put in all out effort for children and is fearful of loosing me. But its like a constant power struggle in bedroom. If I act aloof, she is all sweet and if i respond nicely and cuddle then she is too tired. I think i need a counsellor or a wise man to guide me thru all this. Hence the posts...
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OP, glad to know that you are motivated to work things out!!!! Hang in there!!
I think you and my husband should have a beer talk, woman have de-loading sessions, why can't men!!
I suggest wise man before counseling, you would be surprised how many men secretly want to give out the tips!!
good luck!!
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OP, glad to hear you are trying to work it out.
At the end of the day, be it your effort is a success or failure, you can truly tell yourself "I've tried".... either way, you will have no regrets.
Good luck!!
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my two cents worth as a woman...i am tired of hearing men blame the woman for not having sex as excuse to end the marriage. i wont have sex with my partner if 1) he hurt me emotionally 2) not enough foreplay 3) he did something and is being a jerk. 4) he doesnt talk to me enough (its a women thing - we like to talk and feel that you care about our day). sorry i just dont feel it down there unless there is an emotional , thats right , emotional connection not just physical
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I tend to agree with jlam001- I am in Indian, in my forties and suddenly feel the loss of libido. I think the big M is coming as I am often cranky for no reason. I work part-time and whenever i have issues with clients, I get very anxious and am a b... ch to my poor husband who can't understand why I fret so. I think Indian men really don't get the severity of conditions like perimenopause or even menopause. Persumably the older generation hid the condition hence guys dont know what their mums went through.
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Thanks for the last 4 replies..good to have some female perspective. Lily bloom, I took all this into consideration and that is why I am still trying. But maybe my problem is always trying to understand and accommodate her perspective. Any other guy would be raging mad and demanding. I feel being a nice gut doesn't help, one gets taken for granted. And then women complain that guys stray. I do not want to, as I love my family. But sex and intimacy is important. We did have one discussion last week about the state of our marriage. As I am not showing any interest she is ....saying she would like to make love. But I have fallen into that trap before. The moment I show interest she will be all cold and tired. It's like mission accomplished for her,OK the husband still loves me , so all is well in the marriage...without consummation. It's very tiring and I am quite disinterested.
Regarding menopause or premenopause....how should I confirm it, send her to doctor or what symptoms to look for??
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@ lily bloom, you are tired of hearing men blame the woman for not having sex as excuse to end the marriage. OK, but think thru the alternatives.
a woman can never understand the effect of testosterone on a man's sex drive. When a wife is not meeting her husbands needs, there are a few options -
(1) Leave
(2) Stay in the marriage, but staisfy this need elsewhere
(3) Try to work things out.
In Asia, a lot of men follow (2). It doesn't rock the boat, and the woman who is presumably ignorant of her husbands needs in the first place will also be ignorant of his fooling around.
Of course (3) is perferable, that's why people post in these forums, but when no solution can be found, it results in (1).
It would seem you're dead against (1), I presume you prefer men to fool around ?
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I am a great believer of working things out rather than just giving it up without a try. However, I also knew the importance of cut lose.
A successful and healthy partnership/marriage include emotionally and physically connected. I totally agreed with you that intimacy is big and an important part, I will be as frustrated as you are now if my husband don’t find me attractive and has no desire to get intimate with me.
There are a lot of reasons why a person would suddenly or gradually lose interest in sex or in his/her partner. Communication is the key, you don’t have to be acting extra nice or anything, just be yourself but I would advice be firm with her, let her know that you are serious in making this marriage work, but if it doesn’t work, you have no hesitation to walk out and end the misery. Be supportive and let her know she can share with you any problem she has and that you two can work it out. I always thought women tend to worry much more than men, probably because of the hormones and in my opinion, perhaps because women may not need sex as much as men, and they conveniently would just ignore the husband’s need. Based on your post, your wife definitely wants this marriage but something must be bugging her or some medical reason making her no desire in having sex.
I would strongly advise you against looking for sex elsewhere, betrayal is hurtful, and once your wife found out (which she will eventually), the marriage will end and you look so low in the eyes of your wife and your children. Act of betrayal from a parent which leads to the breakup of the family sometimes can cause a lot of emotional damage to the children. This would only compound your problem rather than solving it.
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Your story is eactly the same as mine Im 45 now with two kids. She told shortly after the second one that that was it for sex. I took it as a joke but she meant it. I stayed faitfull for three years then came the chance to work in China where I was introduced to easy sex options pay as you go sort of things massage ect. When my wife and kids moved to China with me I had to be more covert with these realtionships but kept them going. In the mean time we where not talking much and where fighting allot more. She had her freinds and I had mine drinking buddies mostly this also helped to keep my mind away form what was a dying realtionship. Well it didnt take too long for exploits to catch me up, my wife found out about one relationship I had in Philippines and it then we hit rock bottom.
Since then there is no trust in our realtionship, even though iv stopped all my playing around. I guess the reason I stuck at this realtionship was for the kids who where young but now are 18-14. My basic plan was to get the kids to work then leave my wife, but as time goes on I find this hard our relationship although doesnt have any sex anymore is okay now. Id dont feel the contant need to get laid and dont think she much care about it. I can only give you a simple piece of advise no matter how hard you try you can never live your life for another. But its too shallow of you to only tink that sex is the most inportant part of marrage its not. In real terms if you want anything in life you need to be prepared to work at it and a marrage is no diffrent. Dont be afaid to sit her down and confornt her ask if she wants to end the marrage? If the answer is no then tell her whats on your mind about the lack of sex and ask her how we can fix these problems in real terms put the ball back in her court and give her the power to fix it.
All the best.
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Buddy boy: this man is perhaps trying to be a MAN. The very definition of a man is He Who Takes Care Of Others. Not he who makes money and has sex with,'younger fresher ladies". Being a man means considering the needs of others, it means having, and showing, respect and care. For yourself too, of course. But treating a wife as "something useful' to be discarded when the bloom wears off, is contemptible. A wife is not a car, to be traded in when the bodywork starts to go. (If you're ana**hole, of course, that's exactly what you'll think).
There are 2 people in the relationship, plus the children. If you get married Buddyboy (and that name says it all) it is bound to fail, because you will regard your wife as for your use, and not as a complex human being, who may be hurting, and needing your help. What about this man's kids? Do you think that's a good role model as a father?To go off to other women? To say to your son "If you got money, son, but not sex, you failed! Hear me son? this is how a man lives! Screw those women with their needs and their humanity!"
How can you say he has 'failed"?! It's not a race to grab what you can!
This is the attitude of an adolescent boy, playing computer games, having relationships with sexy avatars that never age and piling up virtual gold.
Hate to say it, but it is clear you are American. And this is a common American attitude. There are women killing themselves with plastic surgery in the US because their husbands scorn them as not 'porn-worthy'.
You may be many things, Buddy BOY, but a man will never be one of them. And failure is just what you are destined for. You'll be that aging creature in the club, with the hair transplant, and the Botox, with a facelift even, flashing your money at the young girls who'll coo at you and make vomiting faces behind your back. How many places I've seen those men, and what laughing stocks they are. Enjoy, little buddyboy.
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Guys,
After 221 days I am back here on the forum. Its 4 am in the morning and I just woke up feeling agitated, angry and sad. Reason: Been sleeping next to my wife and still no sex, but with cuddles. She said before sleeping at 12 that she is too tired. I had a nasty dream and woke up with a start, feeling I was going to have a heart attack.
An update:
1. Have followed the advice of not pressuring her about sex , till recently .
2. Haven"t seen a counsellor but will do so now. Any suggestions??
3. Things have improved slightly...haven't had a fight for months.
4. Business is great and have been spending a lot on dinners, vacations etc. anything to make life happier and it is EXCEPT the sex.
Guys and Gals, I really need HELP. All this stress is ruining my health. I am afraid of breaking down and having a cardiac episode or worse. It is very emasculating to lie down next to your wife and not enjoy marriage, it is making me feel really anxious and angry. I know finding other girls is an option ,but don"t want to ruin an otherwise good family life.
Honestly i think she doesnt get it.
OH..and another very important info...she has been diagnosed as PRE-MENOPAUSAL by her doctor.
This obviously has a big impact on sexual health. What to do, any suggestions??
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A BiPolar would sometimes love to have sex and sometimes hate it.
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Ed,
(1) You haven't had a fight for months because you have accepted her plan for your marriage, she gets whay she needs, and you don't.
(2) You've listened to all the advice about "if you love your wife more, everything will be fine", and it hasn't worked. It might work if the problem in the marriage is you; that's now disproven.
(3) The way forward to to tell her that your needs are not being met, and if it's not solved, you cannot remain in the marriage.
(4) You will need to explain that you do not want talk, but change. Women often feel better having talked a problem thru - She may believe that after talking with you the problem is dealt with. You need to convince her that something will change - either your needs are met, or you have to move on.
This may seem extreem, but given the lack of progress, and your state of mind, this is the only way forward. The marriage will not last given the current state - you need to spell that out now, while there is still time to fix it.
Good Luck
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Captdave,
You are so insightful..Everytime I want to talk she either says its no problem and lets enjoy tonight and then makes an excuse. Its like a power struggle, when we are intimate , after few mins she say ok, its enough for today ...foreplay is good start and lets do it tomorrow, which never comes.
OR we end up shouting at each other.
I need a counsellor to tell me what to say to her or you can advise me, please.
I could have easily moved on , but worry about the kids. They will be devastated, just becoz of us.
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one of my friend has the same problem, she is afraid of being pregnant. Use condemn if you can, you do more to protect her. That gives her safety and caring feeling. Then she know how to learn from you for caring. Btw, take her to drink chinese medicine which can make her body warmer. Remind her frequently at her office hour for more water to drink and take it easy and slow down, that can cool her down. good luck! To help your wife to build up a good health is a long way of showing your love to her. After she has a healthy body, you surely will enjoy her fantasy!
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Thanks Malka,
Good points. Well the problem is that we are not estranged, most of the time she is normal. We have intimate meals, cuddle during sleep, she looks after the kids very well...at my expense. If it was straightforward case of disinterest or animosity I would've left. I feel either she doesn't get it or I don't get it. Very confusing. She is very possessive and jealous , when I talk to any lady , but at the same time rebuffs my advances. She has now very few periods and doctor thinks it is pre menopausal. I am a sensitive caring man who thinks of family first and she thinks the same about herself. It is a funny situation.
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Thanks Malka...are you a woman??
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Welcome to marriage. Just kidding, I have no advice but do know this very common.
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It reminds me my Indian male friend who has the same problem. The couple ended up divorced and have share custody on the only kid. Everyone is happy. So to speak you cannot think too much on the kids. I have many cases onto kids and it is all about how you present the situation to the kids. Most of the time kids are more sensitive than we adults. They can feel their parents are truly good together or fake the relationship. Maybe it is not applicable to your case as you and your wife are very intimate in front of the kids.
I feel very good when my parents finally divorced because they just could not work out in the relationship. I was 6 when they divorced. Of course I felt bad in the beginning but it is really a relief for the couples who found their own life and reborn again.
There is a family of 3 kids, the mother decided to divorce after 25 years of perfect marriage from the others eyes. Nobody, including the 3 kids could understand because the couple were always seems to be happy in public. The wife, who is my friend, told that she never had a happy time with her hubby. It happens on many Chinese families that the couples try to work out and hude their needs for the sake of the kids. My friend spends years to repair the relationship with her kids because the kids strongly feel betrayed by my friend's drama on the marriage.
All I want to say is, you make your own decision, don't try to make a decision because of your assets or kids or family or ranking. Nothing can he worried, counsellors can help on the kids, you can start your business again, but you only live once.
Also, I would say, it only ruins your daily life as you may realize your emotion is up and down more frequent.
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wow can't beleive this conversation is still taking place
a lot of interesting replies but none seem to have found the answer to the problem
perhaps we are all looking at it from the wrong perspective, afterall, we only have your view to go with
so lets start from the beginning..............
a woman makes love with her mind, a man, with his body, so...........for a start
maybe there is something about you that is totally turning her off, afterall from your responses it seems she still has feeling for you, willing to do the cuddly stuff but stops short of real action
this sure points to the fact that there is just something about you that turns her off or, at least no longer turns her on
so, take a good hard look at your self and ask yourself some real basic questions such as.......
do you fart in front of her ?
do you not brush your teeth before going to bed ?
do you pick your nose in front of her ?
do you clip your toenails and leave the cuttings all over the place ?
do you snore or make strange noises ?
do you smell ?
does your manhood smell ?
is your standard of hygiene comparable to hers ?
do you chew your food with your mouth open ?
do you have veggie strands stuck between your teeth ?
do you have skid marks in your shorts ?
do you wash your hands after using the toilet ?
geez, I could go no but I am sure you get the point.........
think, what is it about you that's turning her off
better still, ask her!
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Gee Whiz, you're assuming there is something Ed is doing that is turning her off, i.e. if only he were a better man she would behave better. I am not so sure.
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CaptDave, true you are so true. But if Ed is a different man or a better man, Ed is not Ed anymore. By the end of the day, he would just keep telling the story because he will never leave. There are many obligations in this relationship, that's life. Things we thing right may not be right to the others, good to us may not be good to others.
Gee Whiz, I can simply guarantee no matter how good Ed does to become better, not the one in her mind. should have something behind only she knows.
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Capt, I am not making any assumptions........I am merely going back to basics because the responses/suggestions here do not seem to have worked, you know, time to try a new tack....
Malka, "The heart of all this sex stuff is emotional intimacy", yes, spoken like a true woman :)
Woman need a reason for sex, men just need a place!
Besides, if Ed is really serious about wanting sex, he should be game to try anything, so why not at least rule out my suggestion
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Take her to listen to this ... (then make her confess that she's guilty ... you can proceed to lock her up and throw away the key)
https://youtu.be/sLIHgMK1TYA?si=4uWAjh9ELaQfHp9Z
This song works very well whenever any of my mistresses sulk and pretend to forget their job ... (sigh ... girls nowadays ... so ungrateful)
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