Posted by
aventino
16 yrs ago
Single dad, 40, getting back into dating after divorce. It all seems really scary, I'm not looking for ONS but want to meet and try to get a relationship going with a single mum. Haven't been out for years and honestly have been putting it off. How has everyone else coped venturing back out on the dating scene after the end of an important relationship in your life? Has it been painful or disappointing, or are there still women out there who believe in love?
I just keep reading on this board that so many are only here short term, well I don't repeatedly want relationships with some lady who's going to shag me for a few months and then disappear off.
I look after myself, I'm in good shape, I deserve better than being someones doormat.
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Hi aventino,
Agreed with what you said. I am single mum,living in HK . Yet ,still believe in love myself.
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Relationships are the most important part of life. Relationships of all kinds - I suggest that it is good to work at developing all the relationships in your life, including those with your family and relatives, workmates, friends, and, of course, with actual and potential soulmates.
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S119
16 yrs ago
hey, hey back in the market. Oh you in for a shock. Things have really changed. I know beacuse I was a single dad who was in a relatonship for 6 years and after that it took me about 2 years to finally really say I love you to someone special and yet it is still not perfect. I believe in LOVE too but also believe it doesn't solve the daily life problems. These days people seem to value other than the life they actually have. Well it's HK so can't escape from it. If you do find someone it'll take equal amount of dedication and effort from both sides to make it work. It's all about eachother and not an individual. All I can say is don't rush into the first one you come close to. Give yourself time to flush away the things from your past marriage because the last thing you wanna do is drag negative vibe from the past into a new relationship. Start off with a clean slate. Take your time and get to know more people. Enjoy your freedom for awhile, trust me....coz you don't want to go through another rough relationship and find yourself in the same spot again so go out there and just cherish the moments. Wish you all the best.
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S119, is the shock I'm in for because of expectations I might have or because attitudes and ideals have changed? I think you have to somehow find a balance between seeing the good in your past relationship and at the same time looking ahead. I still love my exwife but I can see that we're not compatable. As was pointed out to me, if you're divorced with kids, your kids see how you treat women including you ex, and thats what they learn is acceptable. It's up to you to be a good role model regardless and you both need to be happy. But I digress.
Anyway, sorting out my wardrobe first and throwing myself into the dating melee.
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566
16 yrs ago
aventino,
I have sent you a pm
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566
16 yrs ago
hoyo - your comments about younger women ignore the fact that older women have more life experience, more to talk about and are usually better at understanding relationships and how to make them work. A younger woman without children may well want one or more, and perhaps Aventino does not, or at least not at the moment.
you seem to imply that women over 30 are not worth bothering with at all!
as for the cash comment - anyone really worth getting to know understands that whilst money can help, it certainly does not buy you happiness
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LOL!
I have not posted or even looked on AX for quite some time but I can see some of the old characters are still around.
Aventino, I sympatise with you. I am also in a similar position (single mum, young child, reluctantly broaching the subject of dating again.) I was never one for dating, my relationships stemmed from friendships with men with similar interests (sports or similar professional backgrounds.) The only thing now is that most of my social circle know me as a mum and linked with my ex which is understandable. I now face the situation that I need to get out there and meet new people who see me as I am and not a mum, partner of...etc. The problem is, can I really be bothered? The thought of getting tarted up of a Saturday night and getting out there to 'meet someone' just feels a bit sad to me. However, I also don't want to give up on the idea of finding someone I can grow old with just yet. Dilemma.
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566
16 yrs ago
well perhaps the single mum, dads or those without kids but just unsure, should just get together some time to drink and laugh about the whole situation without the pressure of "picking someone up". How about it?
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That sounds a bit less scarey. Are you going to put it into action?
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566
16 yrs ago
ok everyone - pm me if you are interested in the above
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Wow, completely disagree about the age thing. I think it's more a state of mind as to where the person is in life. Rather find someone with kids but I think the more important thing is getting up the confidence to get out there and chat and mingle. Vulvic I am the same but usually I occupy myself with other things when I should really be getting out. Kids grow up, they leave, you end up alone in the house -well that's the pep talk I'm using to get back into a relationship lol
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S119
16 yrs ago
aventino, i'm sure everyone agrees that we're all here in this site to share our experiences hoping we can contribute to eachother in some way. If we all had the same experiences then we wouldn't be writing in this site.
If my experiences are too shocking for you then please feel to disgard it. Besides I'm not the one asking for advices in dating. Good Luck to you.
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S119, didn't mean to offend, most likely i should be apologising. I was just asking what surprised you the most when you got back out there. Was it the attitudes to you as a divorcee, womens expectations, what they were looking for, what exactly? I'm hoping you're going to give me a heads up on the dating scene in Hong Kong for single dads.
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KAT8
16 yrs ago
S119, I think aventino was refering to what hoyo was saying, not about your dating experiences.
I haven't even started dating and I separated from my ex three years ago. I have been too chicken to go on dating sites etc. I know it is all up to me to make that hapen. I mean no man is going to be knocking on my door asking me for a date eh?
However, aventino I think you will have no problem dating here since you are a man, even if you have kids. For women I think it is slightly more harder, but I could be wrong and just using that as an excuse.
566, great idea count me in.
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KAT8 thanks for that, You say no problem but I had a brief look at the 207 women in the personals and none say they are single mums. Put up a personal add anyway, though I think most women don't read the mens personal adds and just rely on replies to their own adds.
Other thing I have just realised is that the person who used to stop me buying fashion disasters when I went out clothes shopping isn't in my life anymore :-) Well thats my excuse.
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S119
16 yrs ago
KAT8, very nice of you to say that and you're right it is easiesr for men in general with kids t to get a date than women with kids.
aventino, all I can say is whether you're answering a personal or doing it the old fashoined way by meeting people, just keep an open mind. I think, in my opinoin the more women you can meet and talk to (just talk....at first of course) the better idea you'll have about what's awaiting you. Maybe you ask some of your mates who regularly go out on weekends. Me? I did it the old fashoined way. Met her, went out on dates and so on.....now we have a beautiful baby boy, couldn't be happier. I always said to myself I need to find someone to grow old with not because of. I wish all the luck in finding someone you can share your life with.
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S119, thanks for that, great to hear you found someone you want to share life with. I think I simply need to do more action and less talking. The more I get out socialising the more I meet and the more I meet the more I get out socialising.
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S119
16 yrs ago
That's the spirit my friend, double thumbs up for you. I'm telling there are women who are actually looking for the real deal....and you never know when & where you'll bump into them. Since you're a strong believer in LOVE and still have faith in it, it's just a question of time. I'm rooting for you.
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Just had a look on your personal Aventino, it will be interesting to know the number of answers as I did post a very similar one a couple years ago, single mum looking for single dad, and got exactly 0 answers....
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Aventino and KAT8 - you are both right, need to get out there and be more proactive in meeting people. I guess I have got lazy over the years, have been in HK a long time and know a lot of people but nobody that falls into the category of potential date. Time to try something new.
I am not sure if I am ready to post on the personals though, still feeling a bit reluctant to put myself across that way.
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The thing I can't understand is that anywhere else in the western world (say Canada or Oz) when you go onto plentyoffish.com or any dating website that has a large number of 25-45 yr olds there is a heap of single parents on there, like 30%. Can't understand why as a ratio there are so few in Hong Kong. Hkfrenchie, we will see, even if I don't make a connection for a while, every time I go out is good for me.
Since I'm looking for a single mum and since the stamp on the forehead "I Got Kids" idea for when you go out dating hasn't taken off yet, the internet maybe is initially more useful than getting out.
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Lol, sounds like my ex.
That's my worry, the scumbags. I fear my 'bullshit' detecor may be a little off after so little practice.
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Lol , reading this all
566, great idea count me in too
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hoyo, I don't want to have any more kids. I have a 5 year old and I'm happy to add to it but there is a big difference timewise between meeting someone with a child a similar age and having more with someone who hasn't got any yet.
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S119
16 yrs ago
aventino, i hear you but do bear in mind that whether you end up in a relationship with a single mom or a single lady both comes with pros and cons. maybe you should just consider getting to know her first then decide.
hoyo is quiet right too. you should keep your options open for now at least. i have a friend who just wanted to have a good solid relationship and did not want to have any children of her own. too bad she moved to LA now other wise i would've introduced her to you.... :)
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If you have a child, why on earth would you advertise yourself as anything else. If we have to start lying to get dates then frankly I'd rather not have any.
It may come as a shock to some of you but not of all us want to date out of age group. Whilst dating a young 20-something might be fun in the beginning, it can get old pretty quick. Likewise, if you have a child, there is some comfort in dating someone in a similar situation. You have shared experiences and understand the sacrifices it takes to be a parent.
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566
16 yrs ago
morning all
like evrything in life, the debate on "the right way" to do this is, at the end of the day a personal choice. It is interesting reading everyone's viewpoints.
I agree that one should not set too many restricting factors. IMHO i also think that although tempting we shouldnt be looking too hard - would hate to think that we all come across as desperate!
hoyo - it seemed obvious to me that you are a man!
as for a get together, happy to organise but can we make it in a couple of weeks - my mum has just announced an unexpected trip!
Having said that, I will be out tonight though (with another single mum) - send me a message if you might also be out and want to sms me to meet for a drink
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566, if you are planning a get together, wouold also like to join. Will PM you in a bit.
Hoyo - you miss a very important point. Most women in HK, especially the single mums, are well able to support themselves financially as well as their children. Meeting a man with a sizeable income is of no interest to me, as long as he knows how to have a laugh, is honest and treats me and my daughter with respect that's a pretty good start.
It says something about the calibre of women that you are meeting if you labour on the point of money and being able to provide.
I agree with 566 - all this harping on about what kind of person we would like to meet is a bit desperate. Personally I'd just like to get out of the house once in a while and have a bit of fun. Most of my friends are married with kids and are not always available for a night out and I would not expect them to be.
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Why on earth would you bother dating these women if they only expect you to pay the bills? I think you might be in need of some dating advice too Hoyo, there are plenty of women in HK who are financially independent and happy to pay their way.
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Wow, some interesting points in here. Would love to meet but as I'm away Sat night through Monday night I always spend the night before I go at home doing dad stuff with him. So that rules out Friday. Sounds like fun though. Count me in for Wednesday.
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566
16 yrs ago
Sadly I wont be able to join you on Weds(night before school starts again so Id like to be in) - maybe there will be a great m/f mix and youll all leave with your perfect partners and we wont need another get together!!!!.....but personally Im hoping there will be another time when I can join you too.
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Weds night sounds good, would also like to join. See you all there. Do we need to carry something so we recognise each other...... a Toys R Us Bag maybe?
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wed night sounds good to me, just let me knwo if confirm
cool ... haha for sure `
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My advice to newly single dad? You may say you are not looking for ONS' but I suggest you get them out of the way for the first year before you go about trying to "get a relationship"! Honestly, you are, at the moment, still in need of a mending and a bit of distance from your past relationship. Anything you pick up right now will only end in pieces as it would be that perfect bandaid to bring you your confidence back and once you do get it you will see that the rebound love was just that...rebound love.
Mend your nets first...give yourself a one to two year break...I mean, what are you hoping for? Another marriage? Sheesh, you saw how you succeeded last time, take it easy and dont go into anything deep and meaningful until you know who you are Hans SOLO, and you know what you want.
Arrriii?
Good luck...and I mean it. There's a happy world out there for the divorcee...afterall, in this day and age, its nothing more than a failed relationship with the added nag of a legal document. Just...take your time before plunging into "what you had" or something like it but better...it isnt as easy as you hope. Just be smart about it and keep your eyes open.
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Prolly not...honestly, divorced mums and dads have been meeting up on here for a while, and truth be told, how much does it scare you to hang out with a bunch of divorcee's all wanting to "share" about how their ex's did em in?
*shrug*
Thats the honest truth and a fear of mine, but hey...its always good to hang with people with things in common...but yeah...hmmmmmmmm
Having kids, its maybe a handicap in some eyes, but not all. If you are desireable, you will still be desirable with kids, to the RIGHT person. Dont try to get that random wannabe chump to fit your expectations. Settle for nothing less! Trust me, I am a divorcee with a kidlet, and hey, I have dated my share of wannabes who think the instafamily is the way to go, I have dated the single parents who seem to have parenting skills at exact polar opposites to my own, *shrug* at the end of the day, the one who loves me most has loved me for me, my kidlet has been an added bonus...it aint about me being a single parent, its about me being me.
Initially I sat there all "woe is me" who will want me with my shambles of a house and my kidlet in tow? Meehhhh, there are people out there who will be good and all you have to do is learn you rock and you deserve someone awesome. Believe it and it will happen. Takes time, but trust me, it will! If you stumble and fall, just pick yourself back up! Lots of idiots out there, but take some comfort in knowing that the non-kidded up folks are also dating idiots or a fairly high calibre. It has nothing to do with you being a single parent...not unless you think it does.
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Justin credible, thanks for your comments. i would have to say the wed night chat was all about the present and future and getting out dating and actually very little about past experiences of divorce and who was right and who was wrong. I can see it is about finding someone for you, but I would argue that your child isn't an extra bonus because your new partner needs to get along well with the child or there's no point in a relationship with them. The child is more of a part of your personality that anyone you find must have compatability with.
So i would say it has alot to do with being a single parent as it carries alot of responsibility in your choice of future partners with it. I explained my reasons for wanting to date a single mum so I won't labour them here, though I think we all agree we need to get out and get looking for what we want. It's a common need that's true for anyone wanting another relationship.
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I cant believe its so hard to look for a relationship.
I am single and dont mind to start a relationship with someone who divorced or have kids, but seems really hard to get into a LTR.... Perhaps people wanna short term one nowadays.....
But I am sure you can find your life partner soon... Its matter of time and fate....
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Not a fan of the Olympics on a T8 night so I will join in too...
I think I've been given a new lease on life to meet and explore more people and things since I've been separated.
I do sense a lot of fear from your conversations (not that I've read every single line).
The main thing is to get out there doing the things you enjoy and you will meet and come across more people, male and female. There is bound to be sparks somewhere. I'm an optimist. The odds are in your favour, being a guy, there are more women to men in HK, they say.
The other thing is to not have high expectation that every woman/man you meet will develop into something serious. After all, you do need to work yourself back into having a serious LTR, right?!
If you have the right attitude, it's just a matter of time. You do need to get over your ex first though before you can dive into another relationship.
My two cents worth...
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Wholly agree with dylchiu. Give time to drop baggage and also to have realistic expectations.
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I am not that sure it is HKG. I just think finding the "Perfect" or even mutually acceptable LTR is a really difficult thing. I am separated from my wife and have 3 kids although they live with her. I am 36, reasonably well off, reasonably fit, and realistic about who I meet. But the reality is I think it might take a while to find someone who fits. And I think that is to be expected 2nd time around.
I have posted in the personals and replied to personals with little success. Either too young and shallow or mid-30's and desperate to have kids this year. Which theoretically I am not against but might take me more time than that to determine whether the relationship is strong enough to bring kids into it.
Anyway my point is that finding someone to be with that you are attracted to, physically, mentally, emotionally - it is a very tricky thing and I think it takes time, effort and a LOT of good luck.
So good luck Aventino and all others in that spot....I am certainly still searching!
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JC, you're so out of line that divorcees just talk about their past/experiences and miseries. They can also share some valuable info!
Move one, darling. I think you need that more than anyone on this thread.
As per the baggage : that too, JC, everyone has it, not just divorcees. And you cannot dump it along the way but you can definitely manage well so as not to interfere with your life.
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HKFORLIFE, I'm glad to see you still believe in a relationship for life. I think the whole kids second time around is a very difficult situation to plan for, though by no means am I suggesting it should be avoided. The more personalities you introduce into a relationship, it stands to reason, the more difficulty you will have with compatability.
I am 40 and also feel that the few years it would take to decide on more kids would put me at a place in life where I don't want a second generation growing up with me. That, to me, is what grandkids later on are for.
If this thread succeeds in getting even one person who had been struggling to find an LTR back out and looking instead of giving up on love then it's served it's purpose.
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Aventino, I've been searching, like you. I've finally resolve to using dating agencies. Some of them are pretty reliable, you can try : )
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Some great points of view on this thread. It has certainly made me think it's time to get my arse off the sofa and start meering people again. Baby steps though.............
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>zonked - Meow!
>HKFORLIFE - spot on! It does take time to find the right person with whom you can connect on all levels. Its tough when its the second time around because you already know you thought you were right the last time. I guess looking at it as just a fresh start and being more open to changing yourself for the better and to avoid shortchanging yourself, all in all, works out in the end.
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Hey, veryhappyone i have heard of a dating agency that is specialising in xpats. What have you had success with?
aventino
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Sounds to me that you guys have already organized to meet once.
Why not put action to words and starting making it a regular thing - through meeting others (single or divorced), it will widen your network of possibilities.
It can even be a support group of sorts - not for wound licking though.
As a parent, I feel other parents don't know how to be with us single parents - so it may even be a good support group for parents like us.
The main thing is to have a regular venue/forum for people to meet instead of griping about the past.
At least this way, we all at are more or less equal standing - my other issue has been that meeting new people, I don't know when to break it to them that I have kids (since I look a lot younger than a mom who would have two boys, 8 and 6).
What do you think?
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aventino, just wanna to know more info about the dating agency that in specialized in xpats. May I have some more info from you about that.
I dont think you have to worry about anything.... For man (guys), being 40 is not a problem. A 40+ years old man can be charming...... while i 30+ year old lady can be at risk cos there is imbalance of between population of man and woman (women>men).
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This is a good thread, on the dating thing I have decided to meet as many people as I can and keep the first meeting as lite as possible. I mean hey we are expats right, so by our very nature we are sociable. No harm in spending time saying hello and having a chat over coffee. Then if there is a spark then take it further next time. That way neither party gets up tight about a big night out or a date that potentially is going to end in dissapointment for one or both.
I think I am fun enough to spend 30mins having coffee and even if it goes no further then who cares nothing lost. Equally I like to meet people and hear there points of view, may not end up being attracted to them but hey who cares.
So in summary I rekon that we should take some baby steps like Vulvic says and not pin all our hopes on "that one date"
As for agencies, I think that forums like this are good/safe/productive, but the best one is spreading the word to your friends that you are looking and for them to hook you up with nice single people.
Ha I even told my 11 and 10 year olds to keep an I eye out for me. After a bit of a laugh they started to take it seriously.... We have now detrmined that Jessica Alba is off the list... and actually any international famous person might be to difficult, no models, no one who has been on FHM or equiv, and finally no mums from their classes LOL!!
Jees the last thing I plan on doing second time around is over thingking/engineering things! Let's have some fun people!! Were mature adults now lets stop taking ourselves so seriously.
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HKFORLIFE - what a laugh! I actually did have a 'scary' thought the other day that I might inadvertantly meet up with one of the dad's from my daughter's class. It was enough to send me running to the sofa with a bar of Fruit 'n' Nut.
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Fruit 'n' nut not a G & T? We all need to get out more..............................
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m8m8
16 yrs ago
It is good to know that I am not the only one and hopefully there can be a group of single mums and dads to hang with. It feels very socially isolating most of the time so want to meet up Wed night if ever. Details anyone?
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Muttles...
just wondering what is your problem???
have you ever heard of the say... if you have nothing good to say ... they just dont say anything?... dear lord... can't believed people can make such tacky comments in reagard to any female...
you should grow up a little.
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G&T sounds more like it, I don't know what I was thinking.
Muttles, as fun as night of shangging round Lockhart Rd can be it does get rather dull after a while. I totally agree with it if you are footloose and fancy-free, and pref in your 20's/ 30's but there's something sad about a paunchy, middle-aged grey-face pulling the same old strokes.
Just my opinion.
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Wow, I feel a bit left out with my idea of waking up in the morning after a night of loving, grabbing a couple of coffees to sneak back into bed, having a cuddle and discussing what becomes of the day.
Before the kids invade the bedroom.
So much to learn :-(
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Aventino - you are not alone just in the minority
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Fair enough Muttles, you don't need to explain yourself to me.
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Hi Aventino,
This dating agency is located in LKF Central. You can do a google search. They offer one-on-one date. So far, they have introduced me to 2 guys. Still waiting for more dates :)
Veryhappyone
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ovi
16 yrs ago
Hi Aventino.
If you are thinking of going to a dating agency, please also consider single mum even with children. They can fun. They can be more lighter as they have passed this so called biological clock. They also have more understanding about relationship and I think they are more likely to give you a space to know what you want and to see whether the relationship works rather than the single women who want to be married and have baby before they turn 30.
I am a single mother in late 30s. I do not mind single older man with children. I prefer mature man as they have done it all, seen it all and do not have to prove himself, therefore we can concentrate on living our life together. For long or for short. It does not matter. People feeling does change. Its fact of life.
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Hi Aventino,
I am also a recently divorced single dad of 44 (British). I went through an unbelievably painful and acrimonious divorce after 18 months of separation. Maybe our situations are different but I would not advise you to rush back in to things too quickly. Coming out of a long marriage can leave emotional scars and I'd say 2-3 years is perfectly normal before embarking on a serious LTR. I have absolutely NO desire to get married again but it is true sometimes I get very lonely.
Not saying you should be celibate or anything like that because we are all human but don't rush in where angels fear to tread.
You say in one of your earlier posts that you still love your wife. Do you realise that this is the most revealing part of any post you have made? If you are still in love with your wife then you are not ready for another serious relationship as it will simply be a rebound relationship and they tend to end in disaster for both parties. Also, it's not really fair on the other lady because subconsciously you will be comparing her to your former spouse.
Get out there and date but please don't take it too seriously. Enjoy a lady's company and learn to feel good about life again. That takes time. When you are ready to take the plunge you will know. That time will be when you feel indifferent to your ex-spouse (or even hate her) - not when you are still in love with her.
Take it easy and don't be so serious. Lots of us in the same boat as you. HK is a great breaker of relationships. Tread carefully my friend.
BTW - if you really insist on dating single mums, don't discount the helpers on Sundays. Many of them are single mums and as you can only meet them one day a week it will be a very gentle introduction back into the world of dating. Take it easy and good luck!
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Dr Strangelove,
I disagree there. I think for the sake of the kids you have to still have some love for a former spouse. After all, your kids are going to treat women as you treat women, and that includes your ex. I'll get out and see where it all takes me, I can't see myself comparing or even chatting much about a former relationship with anyone I'm dating except to explain why I'm out for dinner with them in the first place.
Aventino
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Choe
16 yrs ago
Dear Kindred-Spirits,
When are we all going to meet up? By the sounds of things we could start our own dating agency! Anyone tried speed-dating?
Laughter is good for the soul and happiness is better shared! So Kindred-Spirits out there let's be daring and meet up for the sole purpose of putting some spice back into our lives.
Chloe
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Hola all,
if amy one is interested will be nice to meet up there, please PM me if you like to come along
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I agree with Aventino. There will always be a fondness if not love for your ex, that does mean that you are 'in love' with them. Far better to have that than an absolute hatred for them.
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I think in an ideal world there should be a certain soft spot for your ex, but this can not always be the case. I have now reached the stage of indifference, which I feel is a much better place to move on from. (Having gone through all the emotions from love to hate-now nothing). I can certainly say moving into a new relationship without any "rebound" issues, makes it much easier. So I would agree, definitely wait, don't go into anything too fast, there is so much out there to do that although yes it would be great to meet someone to care for, it can't be the most important thing otherwise you are not ready. Terrible cliche but you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else! By the way, like the idea of meeting up but will someone suggest another day except wednesday. Weekdays are school nights! :)
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I think your relationship with your ex post-divorce depends largely on how amicablr or acrimonious the split was with your ex and how both parties conducted themselves in divorce. If one party dumped the other party for another or prevents contact with children during and after divorce or makes unreasonable financial demands then you have a perfect recipe for a bitter divorce and a difficult relationship post-divorce.
My ex and I do not speak and have not done so for 15 months following her leaving me for another guy and taking away my kids and preventing contact with them for more than 6 months. (She and the kids are no longer in HK). Any contact is done through lawyers and the only time I have seen her was in court.
If you can maintain a good relationshp post-divorce so much the better but it is not always possible and the conduct of one of both parties can be a large factor.
I have absolutely no desire at the moment to even enter a serious relationship let alone remarry. However, I am aware that there are worse places to be in the world than HK for a middle-aged guy in my situation who is not ready for a relationship. Personally, I think it is just about the worst thing I could do at the moment.
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ovi
16 yrs ago
Dear Aventino,
Please do not let your date(s) know that you still have some feeling for your ex. Otherwise, this lady may think that you just use her for "bounce back" or she will not feel secure on building up a relationship with you.
Anyway, lets meet..lets meet...lets meet. I think it will be fun to meet with you as we all have similar story to tell (or not to tell)...
Cheers
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Seems to me there are a lot of people out there who hate their ex and what they did to them. That's going to eat you up and not help with your relationhip with your kids. Life moves on and I feel I need to too, my ex is wonderful to her new man and treats him a zillion times better than she treated me, that's life. You spent a great deal of your life with this other person, find a comfortable place in your memory for them to stay and any wounds will heal a lot quicker.
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Dear Aventino,
What you have to do is to forget her and look forward to the future. Once you meet your Ms. Right, you may feel she is zillion times better than your Ex...
Cheers
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Hi Aventino,
i agree with your last comment above but it is importantt remember that everyone is different and has different timescales. Some may move on quickly in a matter of months and others may take years to get over a bad divorce even in terms of trustig someone enough to have a relationship.
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Dr Strangelove I completely agree and would add you won't truly know if you've gotten over her until you are out trying to get a relationship going again. You can only get caught up in the rest of your life for so long...........
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KAT8
16 yrs ago
In the begining of the divorce we try to hurt our partners as they have hurt us. I always wondered when I heard about divorced couples being nasty about child access. When I was in the same boat, I shamefully did the same thing.
However a few years down the line, I have ( sort of) forgiven him. I can now have dinner with him and the kids. If you had told me few years ago that I would be doing that, I would have said 'until hell freezes". Time does heal as the cliche goes.
We have to remember, if we have children, our exs will always be somehow connected to us. Only they will love and care for our kids like we do. Of course there are some deadbeat parents of both sexes out there who don't even bother to see or pay maintanence for the kids.
Anyway, if anyone is at a loose end tonight, kids with the other parent etc. Why don't we go for a drink and have a chat tonight. Anybody?
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ovi
16 yrs ago
Hi Kat,
Love meeting you and others but tonight I am not free. I will be free next Saturday night. If anyone would like to go out and meet up for a drink, and have a bit of fun, do let me know.
cheers
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"However a few years down the line, I have ( sort of) forgiven him. I can now have dinner with him and the kids. If you had told me few years ago that I would be doing that, I would have said 'until hell freezes". Was going to ask how anyone copes with trying to be together on occasion when the ex has moved on to a new relationship. Are these dinners with the kids and ex uncomfortable or do you put on a brave face?
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Hi Aventino,
I had some tough time too when I first separated. My ex took his new girlfriend to meet all the friends immediately straight after our separation. And one night I saw them in my ex's car. The girlfriend was sitting on "my" seat. I finally realised that I was totally being replaced. I felt all my friends had betrayed me. I felt the whole world has collapsed. Hatred would seem to be the only strength to survive at that time. But it also kept eating you up.
One night after a big row with my ex on the phone (we were discussing about the tax bill), I dried the tears and I told myself that I got to stop this. I could not carry on living in hatred. It's killing me. I started feeling much better the next day morning. I just want to be able to live normally. And I was glad that I did it :-)
Is there any kind of group that we can all go to?
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All this talk of dating post divorce has got me worried. I was maied for 14 years I have been divorced for 16 months and the thought of having any relationship is complete anathema to me. I guess the ongoing financial disputes and child contact issues are taking their toll on me (I have only been able to see my children twice in 16 months). It's really not an experience I want to repeat.
Not saying I am celibate or anything but, rightly or wrongly, the Wan Chai scene seems to suit me a whole lot better at the moment than having a relationship. A lot 'safer'.
I hope this is just a phase I am going through and I can feel 'normal' again soon. I just know at present I am not ready for a relationship when I am still trying to sort out the fall-out from the last one with an extremely difficult ex-spouse who lives with the chldren 10,000 km away. Does this madness ever end?
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Hi All,
Just caught up on all the posts, pretty interesting since I last posted. Dr Strangelove sorry man, I know how you feel after 13 yrs the thought of a new marriage (or whatever) sends sharp pains through my body like the feeling you get when you jump out of a plane...
Cysniles - have felt your pain from the Guy side, wife had an affair with a CX pilot, we all still live in DB and basically all our couple friends just accepted the Pr*ck like he had always been there, or when I am out with them they never mention my ex, like we were never married. Felt hurt and betrayed.
But honestly feel heck of a lot better, went to see Richard at the resource centre. He is one awesome shrink (or life coach if you prefer). I have totally changed my life, dropped the better part of 20kgs, got back to the fit self I was before the marriage, started focusing on looking inward for my strength rather than associating my happiness with others and just generally trying to improve myself. Yoga has really helped with that.
Then I started very "baby step" dating with lots of people, meeting them for coffee or other "easy to run away" from dates. I have meet a heap of cool people, some are even on this thread. What I know is it is going to take time. I feel like I really want that close deep relationship that you have with your partner, but what I am starting to see is that no matter how much I want it, I can't force or rush it.
I have recently met this incredibly gorgeous woman, single, funny, deep and spiritual, in many ways ideal. I guess we have been out 3 or 4 times, but I don't want to rush things...My Heart is still "in repair" (to quote John Mayer...). I guess I am now so surprised to find someone that I think potentially I could fall for that it is scaring me off. Or maybe I should just head to Wan Chai for something fun yet meaningless? Who knows but I do believe that we all deserve that special person to live out our days with.
A book I would also recommend is A New Earth, fairly lite, interesting perspective as you start to rebuild.
Good luck everyone!!
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Great post HKforlife! You are right about the jumping out of the plane bit, lol!
I think your comments about WC are interesting. There are two ways to look at WC. First there will always be the guys who just want to cheat their partners after a night out on the beer. However, for guys like you and me who have no partner, WC offers something different. It does give you (in your words) 'an easy to run away' from date. I means you can take a girl for a drink, chat over dinner and go dancing and then more (if you wish) with very little pressure. I could not think of an easier way into dating. However, it does come at a price I suppose if you do it for too long as it is very hard to make an emotional connection with girls on short-term visas who are effectively just passing through. Many of the girls are very bright and could be potential partners if you wished to pursue the matter.
However, it is a start and I dare say it is only a phase that some of us just have to go through before taking that big next step again. In that respect, i don't think a date with a WC girl is meaningless if you are using it as a form of emotional support to connect again with a member of the opposite sex. I have done it myself and some of the girls have been very understanding and great company. Many times it has not led to sex (sometimes it has) but it has has just been a good way to get out and talk to people again and get out of my depression over my marriage break-up.
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Well I say more power to you!
Two totally different perspectives on moving on and both valid.
I also wonder what life would be like with a new partner and what that would entail for myself and my daughter. Still a little freaked out by that thought but I'm getting there.
A few things that have helped greatly over the past few months: Getting back in shape, spending more time with my girlfriends and talking to my Dad. I am happier now than i have been in a long time and that is enough for now. Also by getting out there and not hiding away at home, have met some great people....some of them men!!!!
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I agree that getting back in to shape is a great way to build up self-esteem. Sure beats sitting in bars looking at life through the bottom of a beer glass!
I am also happier now than I have been for a long time (i.e I am happy being single now after the trauma of separation/divorce). That's the problem. I am not sure I want to give up that freedom now - at least not for a long time. I can date if I want (very very casually) or stay in and have an early night. Sometimes I get lonely, especially if I wake up at 3 in the morning as there is no-one to talk to but on balance I am in a much better place emotionally now compared to a year ago.
I don't think life can ever be the same after divorce. It leaves scars. perhaps it hardens you. I feel it is no surprise that 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate then 1st marriages - I think you are less prepared to put up with a less than satisfactory relationship 2nd time around.
At the moment though, my moments of 3am loneliness aside, I cannot see myself at 44 wanting a serious relationship. A casual, non-cohabiting relationship possibly but definitely not serious.
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Hmm let's not mention the M word shall we. How about well balanced, inter-dependent, long-term relationship with lots of deep discussion, fulfilling s*x, loud laughter and good times :) It that too much to ask for?
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Wow, I am amazed by the posts on this thread. I agree that it's all about making yourself feel better and moving on. If you don't then no-one else is going to and only you can control how long the healing process is going to take. For the sake of future relationships you have to somehow take all the bad memories, put them in a box and lock them away somewhere. No-one wins in divorce and both parties move through the process at their own pace which rarely emotionally puts the both of you at the same place at the same time.
But you have to pick up the pieces and get on with life, it's not going to wait for you. I look at how quickly my ex has completely forgotten me and realise I have to move on from what was an emotional rollercoaster I never want to see again. I agree that the though of financially being wiped off the planet again is a daunting prospect but there must be someone out there who is going to think they're as lucky to have me as I am to have them.
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I agree with HKFORLIFE, any wya not sure about the "M" word means... lol
Aventino
Some of the things everyone have to consider is that been a single parent is not a disease, it’s just a different status on your life, have to work harder to date, go out or even go to a party, since we have different priorities, and maybe a bit more tight time table than a divorcee with no kids.
Whether is normal/ serious dating or going to WC in search for the wild or even date a opposite sex friend for a chat, it’s juts matter of time till you discover what you really want, and what you don’t want in a relationship, everyone have to work on the self esteem issue after a break up, and to be perfectly honest we always wonder if anyone will accept us with our kids etc. but we all need to keep in our mind our kids are part of our past, present and future and there is nothing you can or will do to change that, and if anyone is genuinely interested in you that would not be a problem, and if not than let go and move one.
Remember that sometimes you meet people just to help you out on your way to be a better person, sometimes they are transitory and help you out listening or sex** ly, some other stay in your life for good, in any case you should be positive and for sure you will find someone who think you are the best think happen to her.
good luck to all ...
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I agree with the last three posts but you are all probably further down the track than me! I don't even think about the 'M' word. The 'R' word scares the heck out of me now. I had a 'relationship' for 14 years I.e a marriage) but now a 'relationship' (or 'liaison' if that is a better word) that lasts for a few hours or one night is about all I can handle before a panic attack! Definitely still going through the transitory stage!
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momi
16 yrs ago
after reading the comments here I understand better the man I last dated. I probably gave him a alot of panic attacks! but then i only knew he was divorced after knowing him/dating him a few years. He didnt tell me cos he said he couldnt talk about it.
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Hi All, New to this thread and very new to the "single scene". It is refreshing to read that there are men still out there who are not just interested in meaningless sex. It's also refreshing to read that many people have successfully moved forward from their divorce without bitterness and resentment. Although my ex was a cheating bastard, he still holds a strong place in my heart and despite the fact that I think it would be easier to get over this if I hated him (at least in the short term), for the children's sake and for my own self worth, it's better all around to just accept the situation and make "lemonade". I'm not looking for a long term relationship but would like to have a bit of distraction. I would also like to meet men who are honest and genuine - so that my faith in men can be restored. Unlike what my ex says - I don't think all men cheat. However in Hong Kong, it seems as though the temptation of young available "hk misses" overpowers even their commitment to their family. Ironically my ex fell for someone neither young or available. Go figure. Anyway how does a newly single mom of two absolutely adorable children meet other like minded people in a place like Hong Kong? Don't get me wrong, I love Hong Kong, but I do find it so superficial and right now, for the children's sake, this is my home. Did you guys ever meet up? How was it?
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I sort of picked up this thread randomly. I actually rarely came to this forum. I am the same as KAT8, have separated for three years and divorced. And I am yet to go back to dating and sad enough, I am not even thinking about dating at all. I have been too busy to juggle between a job and my child.
just want to change the topic somewhat - is anyone interested in having a single mom support group. I found life after divorce is pretty hard for me (not financially, but more psychologically and emotionally). Most of my friends are married with kids and are busy with their lives. I realise that my entire world is job and then after work, my child and nothing eles. it is pretty sad. I think I need to get to know more people and I think single mums will have a lot in common and we can also support each other.
If anyone interested, please send me a message.
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Hi Getover,
Yes I am looking for exactly that, I totaly agree with you. I have just had the worst Christams and New Year ever. Am spereated Husband who is back in Uk and I am here with 2 young children. I am defiantley finding life after (crap) husband hard. As you say HK is full of marrieds when you have kids. Would be good to knoe if a regular group has been sent up.
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Esmerelda,
thanks for reply.
will send you a message, please check. I am also new to this forum so I do not know whether there is already a support group
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Hey gus PM me as well and we can catch up soon and go for a coffee , drink or whatever
cheers
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1975
15 yrs ago
Hi Aventino and anyone else interested, We have a class coming up in HK with a visiting world class expert who will cover Dating After Divorce, Dating in Your 30's, 40's, 50's and what to do when you find the pickings are slim where you live! It will be informal, alot of fun, and could potentially change your life. PM me for details or email info@getsmarthongkong.com
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as above, 3 yrs now and still not sure of what direction my life is taking. ifyu have any kind of group,let me know!
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HI, I am interested to join the meeting, are they still going on?
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Single mums and single dads,
Finally...I become one.... and I think I should come out from the cave at least for a walk...
I have join the Drinks Mixer and wonder if the organzier will catagorize the groups ? Anyone out there still interest in this threads ?
(HK)
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Single mums and single dads,
Finally...I become one.... and I think I should come out from the cave at least for a walk...
I have join the Drinks Mixer and wonder if the organzier will catagorize the groups ? Anyone out there still interest in this threads ?
(HK)
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uk2hk
11 yrs ago
Is anyone still reading this thread?
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hmm, this thread has been an interesting read so far :)
Now, let me summarize the issues mentioned so far and maybe we can allget a handle on why it is so hard (no pun intended) to find that "someone"
1. The nice men are ugly
2. The handsome men are'nt nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, and have money, think we are only after their money
7. The handsome men without money, are after our money.
8. The handsome men who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice, and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, have some money, and are heterosexual, are too shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
11) The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
And, last but not least, we both wonder why it is so hard to understand each other !
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"In order to gain something, you must present something of equal value. That
is the principle of Equivalent Trade. All things do come at a price. That there's
an ebb and a flow, a cycle that the pain we went through did have a reward
and that anyone who's determined and perseveres will get something of value
in return, even if it's not what they expected." Fullmetal alchemist , 2004
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Gee Whiz, you are funny but not far from the truth for some anyway.
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Hello,
I am reading this thread today. Sadly enough I've joined the club as a single parent.
Would love to meet other single parents out there too ^^
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am a single parent for 14 years and i made it all alone and am happy that at the end seen the achievements of my son in school am fulfilled that I knew he did it with me alone...i visioned before l left the bastard that my son and I is well off without his father...I know I accomplished so much with out my x.
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Well done elleine8838!
How did you do it? I know it must have been hard.
Mayb I can pick your brain if you wouldn't mind?
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Hi sansanwa,
it's easy focus on work how to earn a leaving...i did 3 jobs at a time 2 full time and one part time and still spare a time to be with my son (quality time) now he is 17 gave up my part time and one full time and have more time with him on week end to assist him in school activities. i do also have time fun with friends now, travel and all sorts of fun. just focus on what is vital for you and your kid is all
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I agree with Malka. increase your social cirlce, and thru this you will meet compatible people.
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This post has run dry or is there any whatsapp group of some sort now in place?
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Is there anyone out there still interested in this topic? Let's start a support group and meet up. If interested, please PM me. Thanks.
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I would like to share some experience who start to date after divorced or long term relationship.
I am just a single woman at my mid 30 but I like man generally older than me so couple of my dates have divorced before
I have totally no issue about their previous marriage but the difficulty for me that they both quite care about their situation and no confidence in having a new relationship or open feeling to someone. It is frustrated me.
My opinion is if you choose to start a relationship, you should have confidence that you are going to have ability to build one and deserve to be happy. As a woman, if I cannot see a man with me with confidence in dating with me, I wont have neither.
So, my advice is Be confident and look forward
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Hello,
My name is Jessie, I'm a reporter from the South China Morning Post in Hong Kong. I'm working on a story about expats and divorce in Hong Kong - what are the factors behind it, some of the challenges that arise as a result of divorce, etc.
I'm looking to speak to expats in Hong Kong who have either been through divorce or is considering divorce about their experiences. All sources will remain anonymous in the piece – my goal is to get an insight on the struggle for expat couples in Hong Kong in particular.
I think this issue needs to be discussed more in the mainstream media, and I think having first person accounts in the story would really help people empathize and better navigate this topic, especially if they are struggling through a similar situation.
If you're interested, please send me an email at jessie.lau@scmp.com.
Best,
Jessie
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