trying to deal with grief over pet loss

Hello everyone.


thanks for taking the time going into this thread, if it makes one, that is.


loss is not a comfortable topic to talk about same/together with grief.


People are drawn naturally to happy people and most people shy away from others' misery. Common.


Yet it is so important for the one who suffers his/her loss to deal with it and it's grief properly in order to one day get through it hopefully and become a emotionally healthy capable person back again, with the hands of others, along the path, who knows, understands, who have suffered silimiarly, who are willing to grieve together and in a way that helps all.


In real life where i am am not sure if there's such help group and thats why this idea of researching here came up.


i lost my dog to an accident one month and 19 days ago. He was my first dog and he was with me for five years. Was beyond words what i went through and still going on. And i tried to keep myself exhausted with whatever to, well try let the time works its charm. yet gathering with family for New Year's Eve and i had a mjor break down and made me realise that there's no where to hide from the pain/sadness that i have inside which i have been trying to delay to deal with..


anyone out there who's willing to listen, to talk, to help me and let me help you?


reading now this book titled " life after loss", good book.. yet not enough seemingly it alone..


thanks

I'm so sorry about your loss.I've lost my dogs to old age[a little different from your tragic case] and I know it's not easy to get over it.Give it time.Cry if it helps.People grieve in different ways so do whatever it takes.

Hey Delightful,


thank you so much for your kind reply..


not really sure what to say actually.


Some places have this concept as help groups to where people go and can share.. we do not have it here, as far as i know and i am not sure if i am doing okay ..


I loved him/my dog to bits and he had been my company for the last five years. You know boyfriends come and go and he had been always there.. for me. He came into my life this little thing that i could hold him in my palm; he slept belly up since ever; he trusted me and relied completely on me and i feel i failed him, i did not give him a full life.. that eats me alive you know..


and you know greiving is such a personal thing in the end, people around do not really get what you going through, even family.. and that set a wall between them and me as i have to pretend to be okay for them to not worry /or not feel uncomfortble around me; and i withdraw from friends, neighbour dog owners with whom we used to run into one another when walking our dogs and they witnessed how much i loved my dog and now i can't even see them and i take the parking way to go in and out of my apartment to avoid them, ..


i do not go out as the neighbourhood had been where we took our walks and everywhere is him.. When have to, like doing grocery shopping or alike, i looked at one meter in front of me to the ground on the road and walk straight home..


And friends, i do not talk with them but with only one, as he used to say if there's a next life he'd want to be a dog, to be my dog, as he saw how lucky a dog my dog was, how much i loved him..


i cooked for him for every meal, twice a day; he had his own piece of fur where he lies if he likes; i got into arguements with strangers for him; i never even thought of training him for some tricks as i thought that would be disrespectful for him ( for him to do something for the sake of a snack); he had "affairs" with female dogs and i felt happy and proud as a mother for his baby; i went through hell of trouble to fetch him with me to abroad when i was away from home and it broke my heart having to put him through all those during the transport..


With others who have seen my dog i told them not to talk about him anymore without explaining why; with others who have no idea about my dog, i simply never say anything.


I perform with strangers who do not know; i crush with family; i hide my sadness from friends.


When night falls is when most difficult; and at night.. still cry a lot.. time..


Death is such a horrible horrible thing.. it kills the hope completely..


there i learnt what "never" is..


i can see it was also hard for you when you lost your dog.. or more than one; otherwise you would not have answered my msg. Thank you for that..


take good care Delightful..

Hi i came across your posting and just wanted to send you a message to say hang in there. I know it's not easy loosing a companion, I have now lost 4 of my furry family members. 10, 8, 11 & and old age foster who I only had for 9 months.. I come across quite a lot of sick animals that come into our care, as I help run an animal welfare organisation. It never gets any easier, infact it becomes more painful. I don't find it easy giving the final decision ever. It affects me deeply and I think about all the cases that I've had to and always wonder if I've made the right decision.


I guess we have to find the strength to move on, sometimes we always question why it had to happen... sometimes there is nothing good that comes from grief... or death of a loved one ever, human or animal, they were part of our family. I mourn the ones that weren't part of a family just as much, as I feel they were cheated out of the stable life they should have had.


I hope you won't hide your sadness, as sometimes you really have to let it out. Don't let it consume you too much, you gave the best you could for your dog, and he was one lucky dog to have you and you him. And I hope you won't mind me saying, that although it is hurtful that maybe one day you will be ready to take on another dog who is needing a lot of love, which you have no doubt have a lot to give.


If you ever feel the need to offload, feel free to contact me. I don't think many of my friends, or family realise how much it affects me too when I loose an animal in our care..... but I know that I have to stay strong, because I do have a lot more animals that need me!


Take care for now, and sometimes doing something completely irrational may do the trick in order to give yourself the light pain relief that you need right now, emotionally.

thank you Lamma, it's real comfort that you realise there are people out there who can understand you, who offers a friendly ear and hand.


Both hkalley and yourself are people with a big heart. May god bless you, that is if there's god and as i myself am not sure about religion.


but i do wish there's heaven, where my dog is now.. where i can go and meet him and never be apart again.. that idea helped me close my eyes the first nights after, and breathe now..


As i told hkalley that i did not live in Hong kong, so wish everything goes well with your choice and get as much help as possible.


If you ever need to talk, count on me too.


take care

evianjune, i totally understand how you feel, though some ppl would say "it is just an animal"... for us really dog lovers, a pet dog is a companion, a loyal friend and the source of our happiness.


I lost my first dog suddenly, he just like striked by sudden sickness and dies, it happen so fast and he was only 6 years old. I was devastated and did not go to school and eaten for a week.. and the pain was so much.. until this day, sometimes i still think about him and thought If only I did this, i did that. he could have a full life... and trust me, time is the best medicine. Hang in there and you'll overcome it and you'll be stronger and maybe adopt another one. not as a replacement but look it at helping another poor stary dog who really deserves our love.

i lost my first dog almost 8 years ago and the pain is still here, whenever i think of her, i will cry, not only because she was my first dog, but the happiness that she bring to me helped me passed through my most difficult time, i didn't gave her that much but the happiness and laugh that she gave me was never ending


i now have 5 doggies and she's still have a part inside my heart, without doggies with me, my world is meaningless, they are the source of my life, my elder one is 10 years old this Oct, i don't know how long she will live, that's why i treasure every day that i spend with her


Cheer up, one day you will overcome, then think of adopting another one to brighten up your live, take good care

Dear Amparo Kia,


Thanks for your kind words. People like you who have been there and who lived the same pain do understand and it is a big comfort and source of strength for me at this stage of life.


I still have trouble spending time with my family and choose to be on my own. I still can not control my sadness when with them and i do not want them to go through that with me. easier that way still for me. That i could just focus on my grief and not have to worry the same time if i am putting them through something because of me, or pretend i was okay. Just easier.


I still wake up midnight and trouble sleeping back; still wake up in the morning imagine my baby lying at the door of my bedroon looking into the living quiet and considerately waiting for me to take him out; sometimes still imagine him one day comes back sound and happy..


death is such a terrible thing..


Dear Joe:


thanks for your msg. You are brave to again have dogs in your life.. i simply am not sure about that with myself.. the pain i can not bear when lose them.. and it is bound to happen..


wish you happy and good luck!


Good for the doggies who have you to look after them.

Hi, evianjune, completely understand the process as like I said, I had my share of pain when mine passed away so suddenly, in retrospect, I think it is the 'accepting" stage that is the most difficult, once you are able to pass this stage, then the healing process will follow.. , unlike dogs that had lived a full life and died of old age, ours kind of end suddenly without letting the owners some form of psychological preparation, that is why it is harder and the accepting process longer, I know you are still in a shock as it is still fresh... hang in there, my doggie friend, it is normal to feel pain, after all we poured in a lot of our love and emotion on our four-legged friends. But as Joe mentioned, you will always remember him, to this day, I still feel sad whenever I think about my dog "lazy" (her name)....

Dear Amparo Kia,


I consider myself a truth seeker and i try and understand things in life. Death is one thing i have hard time understanding.


i do wish there's heaven up there and one day we'll be back together and i can tell him how much i miss him and how sorry i am not having taking good care of him, - yes i can not not think i was responsible for his accident..


those days before the event, i was going out more with friends and sometimes came back home late and he woke up and ran to me from wherever he was sleeping and we would "greet" one another on the floor for quite a while till he calmed down and i could feel his little heart beating so fast, just cos i was back!!...


He was suffering from some throat problem and i was giving him some meds those days. It was the days when started getting cold and first snow etc. Not sure if because of that he's not feeling well that he was more clingy than ever and he would come to me and want me to hold him even when i was on laptop, which he normal would not do, and i would hold him with one arm and type with one hand.. for days..


Did he know that he was going?


I had this nokia phone and those days before it just went nuts and developed a will of its own and would turn on and off, choose menu and carry out instruction on its own. so weird; yet it worked when i had to call right after that happened; and without fixing it, it after went back to normal itself and till the day it works normal, - is there something there and was that my dog's telling me through it that some was going to happen?... i would have listened ..


to this day i hate the sight of black cat in my sight, - it happened before that happened.


And i blame myself why could i not be more careful?? something was trying to tell me to..


grieving is such a consuming thing.. and the GUILT..i miss him so much and i feel so sorry..

cara,


thanks for your kind words.


it was a windy day and we both were well wrapped. I saw him behind me so i called him to hurry and the next thing, i could not find him. i called his name and looked around called and called time and again his name and forward and saw him, that little body , in his winter clothes , lying in the middle of the road.. my heart sank, i rushed up and held him up and he was already all soft and gone and eyes still wide open.. it hit him in the head.. was it painful.. was he thinking of something in that short time in his little head.. did he hnow what just had happened...


i held him in my arms, in that -15C winter day and cried and cried and did not know what to do.. just held him tight close to me and wrapped his body well trying to keep him warm.., for two hours and i felt his body turn cold and stiff in my arms... a while ago my happy baby..


a life.. had his feelings, his joy , his temper.. who loved me unconditionally .. and gone, like that...


my mum used to have cats and i was still little and they died and was hard but i did not feel this way.. of course. He was MY baby, for the whole five years... from one month this little thing... and i could not give him a full life... he was only five...


you are right... there's no cure.. some things happen and will change your life , for ever..

Ever since I was a lil girl, we have had dogs...whenever our dog's die, it is as painful as the first time, but we deal with it by going to the SPCA & getting one to replace the one we lost.

It will never take away the pain you feel, but it just opens your heart up more to love another one. Also, by getting an animal from the SPCA, we feel like we are giving life to an animal that would eventually be put to sleep......

yeah, really amazing feeling... for someone who don't like dogs, they can't never understand the joy of having one or the grief of losing one. Like one poster said "can't imagine my life without a dog", indeed it is...

apart from thanks to all who took the time to read and answer to my msg, some update. in fact not alot apart from still miss him, still jumps back the image of the scene, of him with me... still watch the recordings in computer of him, .. still cry... life is still alot sadness and feeling of loss... not as sharp, not as piercing, but like a cloud over , and i do not even miss the sun...

Alas the downside of living in the rural bliss of Sth Lantau is the local

enthusiasm for poisons of all kinds- mosquito spraying, rat poison, week killer

and dog and cat baiting. My beloved moggy,who loved freedom , succumbed the

other day to one of the above leaving me bereft I must say...one of those things

about HK I never get used to: pollution in the air and the sea and poison at

groundlevel-watch out if you live in a village ;keep your animals in ; it's

everywhere...