What should I do?

Need advice here. We have a DH with us coming to 1 yr now. Personally I think she is great with my 2 yrs old girl (minding and playing etc), good in cooking and barely acceptable in household cleaning. My only big put off point is she does not admit her mistakes (many small ones) and will blantantly deny something even if it's obvious she is in the wrong. For example, she says, today baby goes to school at 2 and I said no i think it should be 3, then i go show her the timetable, and she will say, SEE I told you it's 3pm!!! something like that, not major but it gets on my nerves. And she definitely does not really respect me and my hubby, treating me more like a "friend" and taking on a superior attitude telling me what I should do from time to time regarding some minor household matter etc, well it's bearable for me as I can close an eye beacuse I do think she is really good for my girl.


However the problem is my hubby really dislikes her and its coming bad to worst. He is a soft spoken reserved chinese guy and really hates her being loud in the house and basically her attidtude problem and not keeping the house clean enough etc etc. Frankly, she works long hrs, (7:30am-10pm) but i know she does nap when my girl does,since we are both full time working parents and my hubby absolutely hates that though I can understand she needs to rest too, and also he install webcam (she knows) and keeps checking on her, and also keeps thinking she is dishonest, stealing rice, detergent home etc ( she's a live out). we never caught her or have proof too, I never look at the webcam even.


My question is should I let her go, it't no use to sit down and talk to her, because hubby is paraniod she will start to "plot" against us now that she know we are unhappy etc

Perhaps my question is comparing to the rest of DH out there is her behaviour quire "normal" and is my hubby being too picky? If we will to let her go what are my chances out getting someone better in terms of good with kids, cleaning, cooking and being more "submissive"

Am I asking for too much? thks for reading

If you're not happy you can't continue, but give her a chance first.


As for her behavior being normal... Well, take ten random helpers and they'll behave in ten different ways. Regardless of that, she is an employee and needs to perform to your satisfaction as long as your requirements are reasonable.


Chances of getting a "better" one: There are plenty of good helpers out there, but I'm not really convinced this one can't be good if she gets the right management for her.


Make a short list of the things she does well and the things you are dissatisfied with. Have a cup of coffee with her and go through the list. Tell her where you would like to see improvement. Also tell her that you don't mind mistakes as long as she admits them. Many helpers are very afraid of admitting mistakes because they have been "punished" by previous employers. Remember to stress the things she does well. Ask her what she thinks she can do to work better.


I know your husband doesn't want you to talk to her but I think she deserves the chance. As for plotting, that is indeed a bit paranoid. If you are open, clear and honest with her the risk is small. If instead you try to "game" the situation she may well start "plotting". A lot of grief can be avoided through frank communication.


Take the webcam down. All you're doing is letting her know you don't trust her. It becomes self-fulfilling.


Whether she improves or not, follow up and give feedback. Of course, if she does not improve you'll probably have to let her go.

We agree she can only clean when she is sleeping, thats why my hubby is angry beacuse the only time she can clean she is using to nap... he know because he's got the webcam!

When there are children involved, it is almost impossible to keep the apartment spotless. Don't forget that she also has to cook and do the groceries. Maybe you could tell your husband that you'll take over the "webcam checking" and you'll fix the minor details with her? His participation is what's making him unhappy. If you can take that burden from him, it may work out. After all, he is out of the house the whole day anyway.


Some helpers don't like to be told that they are wrong out of fear more than anything. It's just a defensive reaction. I would just ignore it. Just clarify whether your child gets home at 2 or 3pm, and then drop the matter. Doesn't matter who is right or wrong.


During the course of her work, if she tells you what to do, I'd just listen to see if she has a point and if you disagree, just say, "Thank you for your suggestion, but I'd rather have it done my way" then tell her what you want. No hard feelings, just tell her. Sometimes if we think about it, they give their opinions because they care and they will know better how to make their jobs easier.

You only want your maid to clean when your child is sleeping; She works from 730 am to 10pm and you dont want her to take a nap - Agree with cara, ask your husband to try taking care of your child from 730 - 10pm cooking and cleaning with no break.


Give her a chance. Talk to your maid about the cleaning problem. Let her know which areas of her work need improvement, but also compliment her on the areas where she is doing a good job so the talk isn't all negative. Be specific on cleanliness, tell her/show her exactly how she should go about cleaning i.e. sweeping, disinfecting, polishing. She is your employee so she needs to understand that you dictate which things you want done and how you want them done. If she still does things her way, then maybe it is time to let her go. After all, helpers are there to "help" and not to make like more stressful.






inkpot88


"As for cleanliness, if the maid comes from a third world country, she cannot understand the concept of high standard of cleanliness."


Very unfair generalization. Ive been around the world and some apartments in HK ( inhabited by locals) are filthier than a shanty in a third world country. It doesn't matter which country one is from, clean has only one definition.

The point, I believe, is that the husband might be behaving a bit unreasonably. How will it be better with a new maid? In no way does the OP seem to be prioritizing the maid over her husband. Just because he is husband instead of maid doesn't make him right.



"Mike, point taken in that some hong kong households are filthy. what I meant is that if you hire a maid who lives in poverty in a some shack/hut where sanitation is poor, lack of wateretc then it is unreasonable to expect the helper to deliver cleanliness expected of a high standard"


Not at all. Plenty of third world cultures prize cleanliness. Those "huts" may well be spotless.



"If a man cannot come home and be man in his own castle ( cos your maid is dominating him and you, and homelike is more stressful then work) then he will build his happy castle with another woman who will make him priority"


"A man in his own castle". If I said that sort of thing to my wife she would laugh me out of the room. Not everyone lives like that.