Domestic Helper Rant!!

Firstly may I apologise if I come over a little terse, but I feel this needs to be said.


I have been reading many different forums on Domestic Helpers and I am astounded, disturbed and find it quite distressing about people’s opinions of DH’s and how they should be treated. At the end of the day we the employer should be grateful for our DH who provide an invaluable service for very little money. Think about it if we were in the UK, USA etc. we would be paying considerably more and would have less leisure time. Perhaps some people should have less leisure time by doing their own babysitting and housework instead of fussing over such meaningless dilemmas.


The whinging and complaining is nothing more than frustrating and short sighted. In my opinion there is only one conclusion, YES you should buy her/him a present/phonecard/cake whatever for their birthday/Christmas etc. Yes you should allow your DH to have the air con on if it is hot!


Undertandably others view points are quite the opposite and equally as valid as mine due to previous/present bad experinces of their DH's. However not all DH's are the same.


What people tend to forget is that most if not all DH’s are not here out of choice they are here because they need to be, to support their families back home. Are people forgetting that most families in the Philippines/Thailand/Indonesia are poor? Are we also forgetting that some DH’s here have left their children and loved ones behind in order to provide financial support back home?


For goodness sake show some humility, DH’s are not second grade citizens and more importantly are equal as human beings, they are just doing a job.

Here Here. I too am astounded at the level of unjustified complaining that goes on in this forum. How would many of these people feel if their husbands were treated by their employers, as these people treat their helpers? For goodness sake these people care for your children, what more responsible job is there? And they do it for a pittance. We treat our helper as we would like to be treated, or god forbid, our children to be treated, if we had the unfortunate circumstance to find ourselves in such a situation. But honestly, none of us have any idea of the courage it takes to leave your family, go to a foreign land, live in another persons home, be at their beck and call and have to do tasks that most of us find very dreary( hence why we hire them in the first place). Some of these women and men have tertiary educations. How would you feel if after your child finished university all they could do was be employed doing that type of work and the associated snobbery that goes with it. These people would rather have any other job and they are mainly doing it to support other family members and give them opportunities that they have been unable to take advantage of themselves. A very noble gesture indeed if you ask me. Treat all people with decency and respect, remember that karma has a wierd way of getting you back.

Okay Simon, that’s a given, DH’s do have a choice whether or not to be here, but what a choice to make, leave your loved ones behind travel hundreds of miles to a total strangers house to live, not knowing how you are going to be treated (I have heard helper horror stories too), to earn a reasonable wage to sustain your family back home or worry about where your next meal is coming from, to pay for your fathers medication, or if you can afford for your brother/daughter to finish their education and contribute to the family financially.


To be honest it is not a choice that I would like to make as I am sure it is a heart wrenching and difficult one.


Plus in many cases with reference to your “come and go as they please” for new helpers to HK that is not really the case is it? Then there is the debt to cover plus the shame of failing to provide for your family. Also how much disposable cash do you think most helpers have considering predominately they are here to send money home?

I can only say the helper are not what they used to be. We give them presents for their children in the Philippines , X'mas bonus of $3,000 yearly , air-con and TV in the room , plenty of food , and they steal your wedding ring ,watches ,money , clothes , bags , sheets, towels . It is easy money to steal . Then they damage precious items in your hse without even feeling sorry . My falmily have some loyal maids that works for 20 yrs in the same household and even as they retired we still send them money in the Philippines . Now, it is very difficult to get a trustworthy maid.

Simon, what is your country or origin?

I am British too.


My husband was in the same situation as you and really had no other viable alternative than to come to HK. I chose to come here with daughter in tow albeit six months later. You are right it is very expensive living here our rent alone is 4 times as much as it is in the UK, plus 2 years of tax to be paid in one year, then there is the cost of private education for the duration of my daughters schooling. It is very expensive indeed. However as I am not working and if my husband and I had another child I wouldn’t see the need of having a live-in helper if I am doing nothing at all other than being a mother and keeping my home clean.


The initial point that I was making is that I am tired of reading ridiculous mundane question about how helpers should be treated i.e. air con on or what to buy for their birthday, TV in room and so on. When the answer to all those questions is quite simply go with your conscience and put the boot on the other foot for a change.


We in Britain are very fortunate; we have a health system where you don’t have to pay for operations, you only pay £7.50 for medicine if you are employed no matter what the medication is. If you are working in a low paid job the government tops up your salary for you and you get free childcare, free dental treatment, free optical care and free medicines. We have the DSS who provide the unemployed with enough money to live on, free medical, dental and optical care. The government also provide in the UK free college education for the over 16’s, single parent families or low income families. Re-training for people who have been out of work for a substantial amount of time certainly with a good prospect for employment at the end of it. We are also given free nursery places, free milk, maternity and paternity pay, sick pay the list goes on…………..


This is why I feel so strongly about the opinions of helpers from the countries above, they do not have the systems in place that we are fortunate to have in the UK, if it were the case and they did have the benefits that we do in Britain I am quite certain that we would not have this resource of helpers available to us and have to do our own housework and parenting instead.


I think that sometimes you have to empathize with DH’s because if they had the luxuries that we have in the UK there would be no need to think with their feet. I certainly know where my bread is buttered and what country I prefer to call my home.

Rightfully so too. I believe that all humans should have those equal rights and that it’s a tragedy that some governments don’t support those rights. Don’t you think it’s a pity that someone should have to take their employer to court for beating them, like I say in many cases helpers are seen as second grade citizens?


However I did read somewhere that whilst a helper is at some sort of hearing/tribunal against their current employer they will have no income and cannot gain other employment until the situation has been resolved, I don’t know if this is a truth or not, if this is the case what incentive is there to take your employer to court?

festivalfaery, while I understand the point that you are making, most posters here are using the forum to get a sense of what is 'normal' in order to become better employers. Most of us have employed people before, but usually in an office environment etc. Having an employee in your home is whole different scenario, and something to which I am still adjusting 18 months on. Without a forum like this, I would not be able to put my 'helper issues' into perspective. I don't think that any of us are claiming to be perfect employers, and we are all aware that there is abuse out there. We are however, trying to manage our individual situations as well as possible and sometime sit is better to vent on an anonymous forum than at the helper. The majority of people are using these forums as a way to learn to become better employers. If someone's else's horror story gives me better perspective, then their 'demonising' has served a constructive purpose.



When we first moved to HK, we heard the most AMAZING stories of indispensible DHs. I admit that many of them had come from people who lived in HK a while back, and had Chinese Amahs, but every story made me think that I was winning the lottery by having the opportunity to employ one of these incredible helpers! So, I guess my expectations were too high. I was knocked for six when I employed our first helper - by her laziness, scheming etc. We had tried to do everything to make her feel valued (offering proper bedroom, 2 flights and 5 weeks paid leave a year, Sat and Sun off etc. etc).


With my second, having read and heard so many horror stories, I was MUCH better prepared and had more realistic expectations. That is why I try not to let the little things bother me. It does not mean that I understand why she does certain things, or that I like them.


Yes, many of us have come from more priveleged countries with better safety nets. I think we have to become careful not to use that knowledge to become condescending though. At the end of the day, our helpers have chosen to come here to do a job, having made such huge sacrifices (leaving families behind etc.), I am constantly baffled as to why so many constantly risk those jobs by pushing their employers to their limits. There are many DH posters on this forum who have huge pride in their work, respect for their employers and will never defend poor performance or bad behaviour on the back of the fact that they have not been as 'lucky' as their employers.


I can honestly say that the VAST majority of the helpers that I meet day to day (and I meet lots of them on the school run) are not treated like second class citizens. I know that there are exceptions, but it goes both ways. Helpers get to compare notes on how to 'manage' their employers, why is it so wrong for people to use a website such as this to do the same re. their helpers?

mum of 2 - my sentiments exactly. I also had very high expectations of my DH and luckily she has lived up to our expectations for the last 10 years or so and is our wonderful indispensible DH 99% of the time. However for that last 1% forums like these are very useful as I would vent on a forum like this but not to my DH. In the case of the DH wanting the aircon on to clean, I have never known our DH to turn it on, other than when she is doing the ironing and then more often than not she will have the fan on. I have very recently been doing by own household chores when our DH was on vacation, it was hot and yes I got very sweaty, however once I was done I took a shower, there was no need to have it on all day, I am very aware of the environmental impact the aircon has on us and all of us should be aware of it especially as the next generation (our children) will have to deal with the result. I would not ask my DH to do something I was not prepared to do so if I can clean without it so can most DH's, lets face it, it is hardly a cost issue with most families employing DH's here in HK I would have thought surely it is more of an environmental one.

I agree with mum of 2 and just want to add a bit regarding the part where we should be generous because then they'll treat our children better.

I think that some people, no matter their ethnicity or nationality or sex or whatever, will always feel inclined (and perhaps not even consciously!) to take advantage of people who are overly generous.

I learned the hard way to draw the lines and stick to the rules and found that I was far better respected and life was far better for everyone than when I was lavishing time/gifts/money in the hope that she would treat my child better. Didn't happen.

Not always, but often I've found that the more generous you are when acting out of guilt or pity the more quickly you get taken advantage of. If you don't have mutual respect, you don't have anything.

If there's some helper's with bad attitude same thing with the employer.today i was so shocked when one of the helper we interviewed was terminated due to not following her madam's instruction by picking up few strands of hair inside the toilet bowl with piss,When her madam asked her the first time she did it just for the sake of keeping her job but then madam keep asking her to do it so the helper was fed up and refused to do it the last time.


Helper's are not slave, we hired them to help us clean our house,cook out meals and most of all to look after out children, at least give them respect

I've been interviewing domestic helpers 6 times a week and feel so sad and mad hearing their stories why they were terminated.if i could do something to help them i will, but don't know where to start.

Workingmom,

While your DH seem to have had a hard time with their previous employers, my advise to you is to speak to the employers as well. It always helps towards deciding if you want to employ your new DH.

Just my advise....

workingmom, what about getting involve with clubs/organisations that caters to Domestic Helpers?


spare_rib_HK, employers is known to have lied to. Take for instance my previous employer. I was released because their daughter went to Australia to study and she was not working. She- the wife- was and still is very religious- the day after they asked me if I could find a new employer, I responded to an ad in SCMP. I went for an interview the following day and was hired right away. She tweaked the date of my release letter so they do not have to pay me a month's notice and gave me a plane ticket to Manila, not to my point of origin. After all papers were signed she called up the office secretary ( who processed all our work contracts, visa's etc) and told her that she did not like me because I was always sexy. she failed to mention that I was not allowed to wear dress or skirt even on my days off ( I have to bring extra clothes to go to church as i found it improper to go in jeans!) ; that I have to sleep in the store room , provide 3 meals for 4 adults a day with fresh fish and soup for lunch and dinner for HK 50-60/day and I always end up paying for our food from my own pocket. She also failed to mention that she called me grace because she thought i was always graceful and gracious and that she admired me for my volunteer works. It was only after a while when I figure out what she meant I was always sexy despite of the fact that I have to wear loose track pants and t-shirt several sizes too large that she provided-- I got breasts and behind -which she did not! also she forgot that she wrote in my release letter that I am kind hearted, great cook, neat and tidy and a good friend and tutor to her 16 year old daughter. Bottom line , she was insecure and I almost suffer the consrquences. Lucky me, my employer trusted her intinct in hiring me among many. Luckier to think that from a store room, I now share a 2 bedroom, fully furnished flat, with broadband and wireless internet connection, private phone and a big balcony to openly entertain our friends. And could get a lift with my employer when she goes in to town on my days off ( or when I have to run errands, be it personal or work related) in short-shorts and stilettos.


So yes, do call up the previous employers and double check, there is nothing wrong with that, and is prudent but if you hear warning bells... please do not be so quick to judge that the helper is at fault.


That, i think is not too much to ask.

I agree with souffle queen..


sometimes, employers too lie about the circumstances of the termination, esp if they are "at fault" too.. some employers tend to fire helpers just because of a simple diagreement...


sometimes, some people dont realize that even though we work as helpers here some of us have had a decent education.. yes we are here by choice because we didnt have a better choice.. FINANCIALLY..


some employers tend to expect super human qualities from their helpers.. to the point where they would tell the helper to do certain things that is totally questionable.. like leave a one yr old in his crib and let the 4yr old baby sit him.. while she does house work..


let me ask parents out there: would yousay the same thing to your helpers?


there's one as well: employer had a garden.. kids want to play outside.. its 12nn and the sun was blazing.. helper didnt allow kids.. helper got reprimanded.. for "keeping the kids prisoner in their own house"


its unfair because we are only concerened about our bosses children.. but we get scolded etc for putting the children first..



yes helpers tend to fight back but its not with out reason... i have read some forums here that are totally unfair to the helpers..


even if we do "your dirty work for you" we can think for ourselves and know what is right and wrong... but sadly some people dont think so..

have you seen a helper with the employers inside the restaurant and they are eating but the helper is sitting there looking at them and feeding their kids?


Personally I have seen a lot of them....and makes me feel sad for the helper, sometimes we understand some employers can't afford to pay more for the helper, but you can also share food for her then she wont be sitting there looking at your food, or better yet don't bring her with you.

It appears that often "employers" are in fact not qualified to call themsleves as such.


Employers more often than not have no experience/qulaifications/training in how to manage other people or themselves.


Being an employer is quite difficult. One must, of course, meet all statutory requirements of the employment contract. Then, of course, one should have or be developing the "soft skills" in people management.


It is so clear from questions posted that many do not no their legal obligations and often break the law. Examples include NOT allowing 24 hr leave, payment of salary timely and correctly.


Regarding the lack of soft skills, if non-domestic helper employers implemented a fraction of the "house and behaviour" rules you see bandied about, they would be shut down very quickly.


If an employer aint perfect and does not keep to all the legal requirements of the employment contract (fe actually do), then it would appear unreasonable to expect an employee to get everything right and obey all instructions, especially those not int he contract and those which are socially unacceptable.


Imagine taking a junior to a client to a meeting/lunch function, not let them sit or have a drink or food, and expecting then just to take notes on everything that was discussed. Sure, sounds different but it is the same thing - just as wrong and bad

I must say that I have read most of the opinions posted in this forum by both employers and employees, and quite frankly some of the ideas and opinions expressed do make sense and others do make me chuckle. Most of the ideas and opinions here are well intentioned and fair, they are delivered with rational forethought and good reason, there again some are not.


For me the topic of this particular thread should be quite simply entitled 'Common sense and normality'. Be you an employer or an employee the bottom line is quite simple; respect, tolerance, consideration and understanding.


If you are an employer then you should treat your DH with respect and consideration etc. Respect her as the fellow human being that she is, just like you would anybody else. Furthermore, be considerate and realistic when evaluating her efficiency when carrying out your instructions.


Likewise if your DH ‘steals from you’, or flatly refuses to ‘comply with your instructions’ etc then you should also deal with those particular issues accordingly. Of course the same must be said for an employer who abuses their employer status; they too must expect to be treated with contempt by their DH. Common sense and a strand of a common morality is all that is needed in all cases.


However, some of the petty, insignificant and out of touch posting I have read in this and other forums make me stand back and seriously question some people around me and the world I think I live in. They do say that (in forums such as this at least) 'the voice of the rational mind is never heard because it is never publicly vocalised', and I do think that there is a lot of weight behind that. Although I do agree that apathy can also be unforgivable. But for now that’s a completely separate issue, I digress.


Again for the record I do enjoy reading the postings here, especially over my morning coffee as i flick through my newspaper, as they do make me both frown and smile. I must further add that I completely advocate such forums of expression. As they not only offer help and advise to those of us who are incapable of making a simple and rational decision regarding an insignificant and trivial 'problem', but they also offer good help and robust advice to others on more serious issues too.


So, to draw my particular rant to a conclusion, I do agree with many opinions here and I disagree with many others. But for me there is quite simply good and bad in every situation. Hopefully, when we are dealing with such situations, we employ sound reason, realistic expectations and consideration for others along the way....


And to anybody who has bothered to read these simple musings please feel free to retort....now, back to my morning newspaper.