Paranoid new mom or mother's instinct?

Hi,


I would like some advice on a new helper that I have hired. I was born and raised in North America, and have never had any live in help before. I hired a helper 1 month before I was about to give birth to take care of my newborn baby after I returned to work after maternity leave (which is pitifully short in Hong Kong). I do not have the option of being a stay at home mom or asking my MIL to help as she is very elderly and is not very healthy.


There are a few things that I have observed about my helper that unnerve me:


1)She appears to be quite forgetful. She always leaves the iron on while she attends to other housework. I have even seen her drop the iron once while she was ironing!


2)She is very emotional and appears to be a bit unstable. I have witnessed her crying twice over perceived wrongdoings. Once was due to a misunderstanding over the Chinese Nanny (Pui Yuet) during my one month's stay in as a new mom. The second was after our newborn was sick after I had left her alone with the helper for the day.


On both these occasions, I took her aside and asked her what was wrong, how she was doing, how we can help and to offer different solutions. In the case of the Chinese Nanny, I told her that it was only temporary, and the Nanny was here to take care of me for one month only. In the case of my baby being sick, I told her not to worry, we would take her to the doctor the next day and find out what was wrong. On both these occasions, she was not herself for days afterward, and would not look at us when we talked to her.


In the case of the Chinese Nanny, I asked her to please examine her own attitude as well, as the Nanny had worked for several of my friends before and did not have any problems with my friends' helpers.


3) She is not very organized. Even though I am at home 80% of the time and insist on doing all the baby tasks when I am home (changing diapers, bathing, burping, feeding, playing), she is not really on top of all the housework. I have read some posts now and I suppose some of the fault lies with me, as I have not given her specific list of things to do on each day. I guess I expected her to act like a professional and do the things that needed to be done. She washes red clothes with white clothes, leaves money in clothes pockets, and frequently cooks the wrong dish (ie: soy sauce chicken instead of bbq chicken).


I have never raised my voice to reprimand her for any of the above. I have always asked her to "please just don't do this again." Regarding the iron issue, I have asked her to "please just don't do this again 5 times now," and explaining that it is very dangerous with a baby that will learn to crawl soon and that our flat is very small and cramped (700sf) and it is easy to knock over a hot iron by accident.


On the positive side, I have observed that she is good with my newborn. She sings to him, plays with him and is gentle with him. On the two occasions that she was upset, however, I have noticed that she did not talk or sing to him when I was around.


She also has a lot of friends which I perceive to be a good thing, even though she is always talking on the phone. You must be a semi-decent person to have a lot of friends, right?


I am pulling my hair out about returning to work in 1 month's time. If she is so disorganized now while I am at home taking care of the baby, how will she handle it when she is alone in the house? Plus, if she is so unstable about perceived wrongdoings, how can I ever reprimand her for anything to make sure she does things right, or just "my way." It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to correct her for anything she does at all, for fear that she will start crying or become emotionally unstable and harm my child.


Is this paranoia something all new moms go through???!!!

Or is this my motherly instinct kicking in and telling me not to leave my child alone with this stranger in my house?


Please help!!

the fact that you have written this post signifies that you are not as happy as you would like to be with your helper.


weigh things over and see if you are able to live with her shortcomings and focus on her good traits


if not then


1. give her written warning letters and let her acknowledge it by signing it



2. advise her that 3 written warnings are ground for termination.



3. terminate as you see fit.


it's your house, it's your sanity therefore if you think something is wrong then probably it is.


you would want to hire somebody you know and trust with the baby.

I don't think you are being paranoid, it sounds like your helper thinks your baby is a doll, maybe she was told off by the Chinese Nanny for doing something wrong with the baby. What are her own hygeine habits like, does she wash her hands before preparing baby food, touching the baby and after changing diapers?

It is fine singing to the baby etc, but she doesn't appear to be confident in looking after a baby, has she any children of her own? remember child rearing standards where she comes from may be a different standard to what westerners expect.

As for the emotions of our helper, yes that would worry me too, and if she keeps forgetting things, especially like the iron, OMG she would be out of the door quickly.

She obviously does not realise any dangers. I think it definately is motherly instinct telling you not to leave your baby with this stranger.

It sounds exactly like my helper, a bit older, forgetful, careless, not detailed/organized, very slow, but very good to my baby. I went back and forth about her and wanted to give her a chance. I tried different communication styles and put down my baby's schedule and what to do on a paper and glued to the wall so she can see it. I had a conversation with her telling her that my worries were and that if things don't improve then we need to think about our situation. Then one day I just sat back and watched her do all the house works + taking care of my new born, just as if I was back at work. And after few days I decided that I wasn't comfortable leaving my new born with her so I have asked her to leave. I told her nicely and explained the reasons. I gave her 2 months notice rather than just 1 so she can have a bit time to look for another employer.


You need to put your baby as the priority and if she is not able to take care of your baby at the level that you would be comfortable with then you should move on. There are many very good helpers out there and it's better to do it early than later if you are going to let her go and get someone new so you can train the new person before going back to work.

Thanks for the advice! I have been exactly like *V*, constantly waffling back and forth about whether to give her a chance.


I agree that there must be better helpers without emotional issues and organized. It does seem like there is an element of luck in finding one though. Did any of you try the agency services on this site?

Why don't you try to use the "domestic helper" site on AsiaExpat? You have to pay HK$200 for it but many have employer reference and I would suggest that you prepare a list of interview questions, and interview as many as until you find someone you are comfortable with. I know it's hard to tell just by just speaking to them, but a list of screening questions do help. I would also suggest to hire someone between 30 - mid40's so they are a bit stronger and have more energy. A bit more willing to learn and adopt to new changes I think.


Good luck!

Sweetpea, don't feel guilty. Terminate her. My son has a serious scar on his foot. I believe it was from an iron burn but my previous helper didn't admit to it and despite my promising her I'd forgive her, she wouldn't tell me what had happened. I begged her to tell me so the doctor/hospital could treat it but she kept saying she never saw it before. I told her everyone's had accidents, but what was important was that we are honest and try to prevent them the next time and she would not be terminated, etc. She wouldn't budge, didn't say a word, acted like I must've done it. DUH!! I was out and came home to find my 6 month old ( a few years ago now) with a burnt foot and the ironing newly done!!!!!!


I agree with Cara. Find a new one. If the helper left the iron on, I'd freak out with a baby around. Next she might leave a crawling baby on the bed to answer the phone. If your child got a head injury, she wouldn't admit it. Please learn from my experience. Every time I see my son's scars which grow larger every year, I cringe. Maybe I could've prevented it. She can find a family with older children or just dogs, etc. I just terminated a single woman who made me uncomfortable and who didn't have common sense or warmth towards my children despite having a university degree in teaching! I just hired a wonderful woman without such academic credentials, but who comes from a simple background (farming) but with 4 children, loads of warmth and good sense. i am very pleased.i found her via asiaxpat. i paid the $200, made the phone calls to helpers and employers. it took me 2-3 weeks. i got it narrowed down to 4 and then 2 and then she stood out crystal clear as the one for us. my children are begging for her to start. SERIOUSLY!

I agreed with notyou - don't feel guilty. A friend's friend's 6 weeks old baby was put in intense care for 3 weeks because his helper didn't turn off the iron, tripped on the wire and the iron dropped onto the baby's face! Thank god the baby is alright now. So you need to think about what's right for your baby.

I am so sorry to hear that Notyou! The possibility of that happening has crossed my mind too and it freaks me out... My helper has just dipped into another one of her bad moods today again. I have made up my mind to let her go,so I'm not even going to bother to ask her what is wrong this time. She is just too moody.