Setting boundaries?

a couple friend of mine is baffled by this issue. here's the story.


the couple has had their helper for about a year. they've treated the helper as a family member in various aspects. they provided a comfortable room and imported bedding set/towels to the helper. they have the helper eat the same food at the same table as themselves. they allow the helper to watch their TV when she's free. etc. etc.


but in recent months they have been bothered by some of the helper's behavior. one example is the TV watching. the helper has kind of formed the habit of watching TV when she's finished work in the evening. the employers normally put their baby to sleep and when they come out wanting to watch their favorite program, they usually find the helper sitting in the living room watching her favorite channel. when the employers suggested that the helper go back to her room to rest (just a polite implicit way to claim back the TV), the helper said she wanted to watch TV instead. this has happened many times and the employers were pretty sure the helper understood what they meant when they asked her to go back but just wouldn't.


another example is about food. as said the helper eats the same food as the employers including expensive meat and seafood. the helper also has free access to snacks in the house. but on numerous occasions she ate up a whole cup of icecream or box of expensive cookies that the employers had just bought home without them even having the chance to take a bite. a few days ago the employers received a very nice cake from a guest. again, two days later and before they even opened the box, they found the caked finished by the helper already. when they asked the helper she said you told me i could eat anything in the house.


the employers are really unhappy with these kind of behavior. not so much about the fact of watching TV or eating expensive food, but about the attitude. they've been treating the helper like a family memeber, but the helper seems to be treating herself even more than that -- even a family member is supposed to be considerate and share things with other members.


the employers think that they may have been giving the helper too much freedom and want to start setting some boundaries so that she understands her position as an employee and behaves accordingly. on the other hand, they think it hard to tighten things up after having given in so many times. i do not have a live-in helper so not so much experience in this regard. would like to hear suggesion from people on this forum. no harsh comments please thanks.

Your friend has a good point in that it is hard to set tougher rules retroactively. On the other hand the helper is abusing the trust she has been given. The employers have allowed her certain privileges but she is going way beyond what they intended. Part of being a good employee is understanding where the line is drawn, even if the line is not explicitly defined.


The employer can change the conditions of work for an helper. The helper can sulk about it, but at that point the employer can warn and terminate. The helper can also resign if she's unhappy, but that's a better alternative than the situation right now.


I think they should have a sit down chat with the helper, telling her about the areas where they think she is overstepping her privileges. If she understands and corrects the behavior, good. If she does not, they have to warn her and perhaps ultimately let her go.


Clear communication is key. The employer needs to clarify the boundaries. The helper needs to understand that having privileges also means she should not abuse them.

Oooooopsie!!!!! Too late!!! Going to be VERY hard to pull in the reigns now.....ever heard the saying 'Give them an inch and they'll take a mile?????' Isn't she there TO DO A JOB???? Or is she there to be part of the family??? We teated our helper as 'part of the family' and to this day we are still paying for it. After giving her the moon on a stick including a huge amount of money for a 'sick mother' she turned on us, falsely accused us and dragged us through a year and a half of legal wrangles all at our expense. We have since been banned by the Labour Dept for TWO YEARS from hiring a DH. Watch out....some of these girls are horribly deceitful and cunning.


She's there to do a job. Nothing more. How does your employer treat you????

As axptguy38 says, your friends are entitled to change the conditions of work if things are not working out. But assuming your friends want to keep the helper, perhaps one way to keep her happy could be to offer a small food allowance instead of allowing her access to their snacks. ie. the employer continues to provide three meals a day but the helper should not help herself to their snacks and instead, give her a small amount (maybe HK$100-200?) a month to buy her own snacks.


On the TV issue, I would just tell her - sorry, it's their TV and they have shows they want to watch in the evening. If your friends are feeling generous, maybe they can buy a portable DVD player (some sell for less than HK$1000 nowadays) for her and she can buy her own DVDs to watch in the privacy of her room.


(Just like anyone else, some helpers are lovely and thoughtful, and others are pushy and nasty and not deserving of others' consideration. I have to admit, your friend's helper sadly sounds like she belongs more to the second category than the first.)

I'd spend a couple of hundred and buy the helper a second hand TV from the asiaexpat site for her room. Next I'd tell the helper I'd changed my mind about allowing her to eat everything as sometimes things run out and that's not convenient -from now on give her a food allowance - say $500. If those are the main issues then that should at least provide some short term relief. Hope that's helpful.

I thought helpers can be taught to respect our wishes as employers. If she doesn't learn (even retroactively) and causes extreme "distress" in the home, then it's time to let go..

thanks for everyone's advice. for the TV problem -- my friends already gave their helper a DVD player but it's some TV program that she's been fascinated with. though they can buy her a 2nd hand TV set, what about the channels -- do they also need to subcribe for those for her? they've been really generous to their helper, but just started to be worried that if they keep caving in and doing all this and that extra just to solve problems caused by the helper's inconsiderateness and disrespect, where would it end? again, it's not so much about money but rather the principle involved.


on the other hand, they are also concerned about the helper acting up if they change the practice, say not allowing her to watch TV or eat their snack (given the helper's past behavior it looks like there is no mid-way approach here unless they want to lay down something as funny as she can eat 1/3 of each cup of ice cream, etc). that's probably the dilemma faced by many employers similarly situated when they failed to set clear rules beforehand in the hope that the helper would behave properly of her own accord and happen to have helpers not as thoughtful as they hoped. but as axptguy38 said, dealing with her acting up is probably a better alternative than the current situation.