Should I get rid of my DH? Advice needed

Hi, we have a Philipino DH for nearly 2 years. She is extremely moody and depressing for our environment. We treated her really nice - more or less like part of the family and helped her out financially and guess what, the more she gets, the more she becomes lazy and thinks that she is entitled to a lot more. She cannot cook well and when I cook she critizes my cooking (which by the way is NOT bad at all). She didn't know how to polish the floor and made a total mess of it when she tried until I had to show her how to. When we take her on holidays (since we have a 1.5 year old girl) she will choose the most expensive meals to eat. Everytime I tried to talk to her about her 'faults' or weaknesses, she always cried like the world has collapsed and locked herself in the room (we gave her one of the bedroom of the house) and she refused to open up unless I told her that we will call the police. It is to the stage now that I cannot even stand being at home because she is there and her face everyday is like someone has died.


Why do we still keep her? We terminated her once and for about 2 weeks, we had even worse experiences with other Phi. maids, one left my baby's nappy with full of 'sh..' for hours when I had to go groceries shopping and one just took off for 2 nights without telling us why and started bad mouthing us to the whole Phi. community. I got so fed up that I had to bring back the existing maid. Now I'm going insane with this one but have fears that a new one will not be any better or even worse. Any suggestions on what I should do or anyone knows of a 'good' DH (any nationality) who is good with babies that they can recommend?

Dear Dianado,

I don't know how you can stand your old maid.

Your old helper has you exactly where she wants you. You are listening to her every whim and desire.


A helper is suppose to help you and NOT cause you grief.

The fact that she locks herself into a room and refused to let you in indicates to me that she is acting like a spoiled child.

I wouldn't leave my baby with her alone for even a second...

Your helper is unstable, immature or simply very very manipulative.


My advice is to terminate her immediately.


There are many agencies that will fax/email you a list of prospective helpers that will meet your requirement. ( looking after a baby, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing, etc).

After looking through their resumes, pick a few you like. Call their previous employers (call more than one). If they say that they don't have their employers contact details because they have gone "for goood", they are probably lying. Don't hire any without references ( also letters can be fake).


After speaking with the previous employers, interview the helpers. Stay away from those wearing lots of makeup, high heels, long fingernails, etc.

Most locals chinese employers stay away with helpers who have more than 8 years experience in hong kong...

the reason being is that they are not willing to change to your needs cause they feel they "know it all". everything you say will go in one ear and out the other.

a good attitude makes all the difference.


afterwards, contact the agency and ask for a trial. get the helper to cook something, spend time with your baby, iron...etc.

the trial can be for a day or more.

many expats who have lived in hong kong have asked for a 3 - 7 day trial.


don't offer than more than the minimum wage.

many helpers will say that another employer has offered them $5000 per month.

my previous helper went for an interview and told the employer that she got paid $6000 per month. I only found out because the employer call me and straight out asked me how much i was paying her. I told her the minimum wage and she told me that she lied to her and that she said that she got $6000 per month.

if your helper is really good job, you can offer her a bonus for that month for all of her hard work.

that way, she will always try to work hard all the time.

you can also give her a little extra for birthdays, chinese new year, christmas...etc. and say that it is extra for being so nice, helpful and good.


the following info will save you a LOT of Grief.


as for the giving her a bedroom in your own house...no local chinese or expat who has been in hong kong for over 4 years will do that.

it's a dead give away to any helper that you are literally FRESH OFF the Plane.

ie..they are going YIPPEE...a SUCKER...I've hit Jackpot. Let's milk it for all of it's worth.


let's now ask for loans because

1. my relative is dying and needs an operation.

2. i can't pay for my child's education.

3. i need to pay off my loan shark

4. i need so many holidays

5. can you pay for my cell phone?


the list can go on and on and on...


i hope i wasnt' too blunt in some of my statements.

good luck with everything.

stand firm.

Hi F100, you are spot on with your comments. The problem is that both my husband and I feel bad for her situation (as she put it) and we keep postponing the inevitable. She is not really bad with our baby - since I'm around most of the time and I only leave when my baby is sleeping/having a nap. The problem is that we will only be here maybe for another year and my husband keep telling to 'cope' with her as her contract will be ending in Dec. You are right that we paid her a lot more than the standard rate and she usually leave our home on Sunday mornings at 7 am and come back at 10 on the dot. We are really SUCKER and I feel depressed if I have her but I feel bad if I terminate her. Thanks again for your feedback which was what I needed as a confirmation of my feelings since I didn't know if I was being unreasonable in feeling the way I do.

Dear Dianado,

tell me...

why on earth are you feeling sorry for your helper.

she sure isn't feeling sorry for you.

also, she isn't even appreciating all that you have done for her.


get rid of the guilt.

she is the one who should be guilty.


remember, you can be very nice and also very firm.

if she doesn't want to listen to your instruction....she can bl--dy find herself another job.


just think...if you are working and your boss asked to speak to you and you locked yourself in your office and won't come out...what would your boss do?


Answer:

Mr. Trump's famour line....YOU'RE FIRED.


Don't be a doormat.


You have a choice...

be miserable for another year and hope that nothing happens to your child.

(accidents can happen in seconds even when you are in the bathroom).


or

find yourself a nice helper who appreciates your generous nature and be happy.


ps...don't be too generous...

they have to EARN the bonuses first...

ie...nobody who is working for a boss in HK gets bonuses or pay above and beyond until they have proven to their boss that they deserve it.


let your new helper prove herself first.

F100, your advice is excellent and I will use it myself when I get a helper.

All, thanks for your advice. Does anyone know of good maid agencies or friends that have a good maid and are leaving HK that they can recommend? I have tried the Asiaxpat website and though it is good in showing all the maids, the last 2-3 experiences we had were a disaster.

Regarding being a 'doormat', it may be the case but we always try to give people a second chance to prove themselves and we have never experienced having someone 'working as a maid' in our home before. I know that in the real working environment, my maid would have been 'fired' straight away and I have told her that already. Our problem is that we always try to look at the good sides of people but I know that it is time to make a change.

Dear dianado,

As for my comments (especially - don't be a doormat), i said that because you are being WAY

TOO nice and being walked all over.

it wasn't meant at all to make you feel bad.


I've been a doormat as well when I first arrived here. I wasn't happy and felt that I could either have more of the same or change the situation and be happy.


as for your husband, the maids always are nicer to them. most of the time, husbands don't really know or can understand what women in hong kong have to deal with, put up with...etc because they are simply not home to witness it all.


another piece of good advice given to me by a wise aunt of mine is that you should make it COMPLETELY CLEAR that you are the BOSS of the house. your husband may sign the contract but you run the house.

any questions, requests...etc..are addressed to by YOU and ONLY you.

You have to train your husband to say "Go ASK the BOSS of the house" whenever your helper requests anything.

I've seen many helpers that use the line "SIR, said that was okay".


Like children, they can play you off one another. They know EXACTLY what they are doing.


If the helper knows from the beginning that you know all of their little tricks that they have learnt on Sunday from other long time HK filipino helpers, they won't play the game and your life will be much much easier cause your don't have to deal with all this kind of negative behaviour and crap.


As for giving second chances...

how many are you prepared to give?

if it is only 2...make sure it is only 2.

#3 time and YOU'RE OUTTA HERE.


set your limit and stick to it.

for recommendation, you can email me at gheejoan@hotmail.com if you are interested. FYI, i am not helper.


with many thanks,

joan

dianado, I am sorry to hear about your problem. I really can't imagine having someone like her..I will surely pass out everytime I think she is still in my house when I come home...you are too good to treat her like that....you are worth a better one. But I am sure its not easy to find one here which is really nice..nice ones are already taken hired. Maybe I can help...drop me an email......(I assume you know how to send me email here) Don't worry I am not an agent....just want to help you

With all due respect you sound as if you have as much as a problem as your helper. Maybe she could clean the floor but just a different way to how you expected it to be done, or maybe it was her first job and she really didn't know and had to be shown. And why should she let you in her room, its her room. I never go in my helpers room. As to leaving the house at 7 - 10 on a sunday, so, surely that her day off and she can spend the time how she wants. And how come you can't cope with 1 toddler on holiday for a couple of weeks without your helper in tow. Holidays are for families. And to F100, Iknow several people that have been here longer than 4 years that give a bedroom to their helpers rather than the amahs rooms.

But if you really don't like her then fire her and get another one, there are lots of good ones out there, but to be honest with your expectations I think you may find problems with a lot of them.

Thanks cd for your 'direct' comments and with all due respect, I have terminated her contract today. To clarify to cd, we do go on holidays alone with our toddler - many times in fact but as you may know sometimes with husband and wife, we do want to have some times on our own without having to run after the little one but we do not want to leave our baby behind with the maid. Therefore the only option is to bring her with us. Maybe that is something other people don't understand. Another point of clarification, we do not usually go into our maid's room - however, she 'chose' to use one of the bedroom instead of the maid's living space therefore, most of my clothes are in the closet in the 'spare' bedroom or so called the maid's room so I guess I need to get to my clothes right? On top of that she helps herself to all of our cds, books and DVDs and TVs and when I mentioned to her that she should ask before she uses anything, she 'cried' and lock herself in the room again. And when there is a disagreement or a discussion, one do not need to cry and lock themselves up in their room - the only reason that I wanted to go into her room was becaused she commented that she wants to die when I tried to discuss ways of improvement with her and I therefore thought that she might 'commit suicide' in our home - that would not be nice! Cd, I don't think you know what our expectations are and if someone cleans your floor and leave full of streak marks then maybe in your standard that is a 'good' job.. not ours. If you think that our expectation of eating food that is overdue and we always have stomach problems afterwards; food that have the same amount of salt as sea water; new clothes that get ruined by her washing (she offered to pay but we rejected); 10 out 10 times when you want to have a discussion, she cried like the world has collapsed and slammed the door shut on you ... plus many many more which I won't go into the details. If anyone think that this is 'high' expectation, then I guess we do have 'some' expectations on how a helper should be!

To all others who have sent their positive comments, 'thank you' because I have managed finally to tell her that we don't think it will work out and guess what, she asked us not to terminate her visa for about 6 months and when I said that I think it is not 'legal' to do that under HK law, she threw another of her tandrum today and went of strike in 'her' room again. I asked her that she can remain on a professional basis with us for 1 mth (which is usually the standard when you get fired from a job) but I will have people coming for interviews and try-outs (thank you F100 for suggesting this) and she said 'no way that she will allow anyone to be around when she is there'. Since this shows the maturity and professional level that she is, she will leave us straight away (again her choice since I didn't want to kick her out the next day).

I just hope that I will not go through another nightmare like this again.

Wow, what an incredible story. It's so wild that I almost can't believe it's true...

I'm sorry for being unlucky with your helper. It sounds like your helper is your first child. You sound like a considerate woman but watch out your baby could turn into like her.

Dear diando,

Good for you for having the strength to let go of your helper.

I think your helper is very manipulative.

Make sure you contact the immigration department and make sure you do everything right in terms of letting her go (ie. notice, salary, holidays, airfare back home, travel allowance back home..etc.. GET a SIGNED receipt that you have fully paid for everything and that she has no claims whatso ver)..Make sure she signs it BEFORE you give her salary, air ticket...etc)

Otherwise she will take you to court so that she can stay in hong kong longer to look for another job.

it is also helpful to have a friend as a "witness" just in case she claims that you did something wrong.

sounds crazy but i have a friend whose helper made a claim that she hit and screamed at her. she spent over $50,000 HK to hire a lawyer cause she was worried she will be charged with assault. in the end, the helper dropped all charges but was allowed to stay in hong kong for a longer period of time to look for a job.


As for CD's comment about some expats giving

their helpers a room of their own. Of course there are exceptions...however, on average...most expats or locals do not give their helpers one of their own rooms.


Also, make sure your old helper doesn not contaminate your new helper by feeding her lies, lies, and more lies.


i hope everything works out well with you.

just follow your gut feelings.

remember you can be firm and also be nice at the same time (think Oprah). the lady is nice but at the same time she tolerates NO BS.


let us know how it all works out.

so proud of you for taking the first step.

Thanks F100 for the advice. Anyone know how to change the user id as mine is a dead give away of who I am. I'm just worried that my maid will look for a job using this website and she will see all the advices given and do something really bad to us. Or do you know if this thread can be deleted?

There is nothing that you can do about the posts that you have already made but just start a different alias. I didn't change my login name but created a new name.


Well done for taking the right steps and terminating your DH. I know its tough as I am the same as you, don't want to cause any hassles in the house so i would put up with certain things that used to really upset me. Now my Dh and I have a great understanding that I can talk to her if something is bugging me. I also have someone who is fantastic and has worked for me if you are interested. Leave me a message if you want any more info

Take it easy and dont put up with the nonsense and attitude that you may get from now on. Remember you are the boss and she still needs to respect that. Take it easy.

Hi original poster,

If you no longer want to share your original story with your current user name, you can always EDIT each of your own posts. EDIT could also mean DELETE. You need to do this one post at a time. For example, I just "edited" my earlier reply. Hope this helps.

hi fairybell, can you tell me the name & contact of the helper who is fantastic, I have a new one after my old one left to go back to the phillipines after nearly 4 years and my children are not getting on with her. The situation is definately not making my life easier which is the whole point isn't it?!

Good grief .. fire her! Stop feeling pity, she is using you and you are letting her. She is NOT part of your family, she is a maid, you EMPLOY her. She should be grateful of the opportunity. FIRE HER TODAY.