child not accepting helper

I have a great helper. She does everything so well and with very little instruction. The only thing would be her cooking is not too great, but I guess you can't have everything.


My 4 year old however, is not accepting her living in our house. He won't stay with her, tells her he hates her, is quite agressive towards her and is generally not very nice to her. She has been with us for 8 weeks now and I thought it would just pass. Any suggestions??? He is normally a very happy little boy, but since relocating to Hong Kong he has been quite angry within his little world.


Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?

i agree...usually kids get on well with helpers....if helpers paly with him..unless your child usually acts like this among strangers...or is she ...i mean has her coming into the house make him spend less time with you..etc...

i agree to ask him...nicely

No, he is not spending any less time with me. I take my kids everywhere with me, she stays at home and does the domestic stuff. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says she stinks (actually she does smell of moth balls at times) and that he simply does not want a helper. I have tried to sell him on the idea that if she is her with us then mummy has more time to play with him. I have overheard her tease him a little. Small stuff, but it might be part of the reason. He is really sensitive and taking into account what he has been through..... She doesn't really play with him because he won't let her.

We are in a similar situation in that I spend most of my time with our son, and the helper does all the domestic stuff.


Our son still wont do anything with our helper if I or my husband are around and she's been with us for nearly a year. But we have special books and toys that only she is allowed to share with him - the parents do not play with them. We also allow her to have a "special" playground that only she takes him to (HK Park), although I went with them both the first few times (just so he'd go). I know it's bribery of a kind but it's the only way we could get him to spend time with her as he is a very clingy child (and I have to say I'm a clingy mum as well).


Now my son is comfortable enough that I at least can occasionally go out without him and he will stay with our helper. When I get back he then tells me "stay in the house", and "don't leave me again". While I'm out he's happy enough though.


Having said that, I'm not sure that ours is the right approach as our son just seems to attach to certain people and be comfortable with them within a couple of days. I sometimes wonder if we should change helpers - although she's done nothing wrong.


BTW my son is 3, was just over 2 when we got our helper.

Believe me, he does not get away with being rude. He is asked to apologise etc. I'm making allowances for the fact that he is 4 and his whole life as he knew it has been changed.


Thanks swmbo I will use some of your ideas.

We had exactly the same issue when we came to HK almost three years ago. My then three and half year old daughter did not want me to go out at all (I do school runs, activities and all kiddy stuff and she had been used to being with me all the time in australia and never left unless asleep or at preschool) and said that she hated our helper. I am pleased to say that it did pass and now at 6 and half she has cried everytime we have gone on holidays and insisted on ringing our helper when we are away!! I think it is a fairly normal thing for a child experiencing so much change not to want to have you leave... it is often much more about that than who you want them to stay with. I simply perservered with small outings and was reassured that once we were acutally gone that my daughter was fine and settled quite quickly. I have two older sons and they were fine. She also came up with lots of reasons why she didn't like our helper - she smelled funny - which she absolutely does not - she is fresh as a daisy 24/7, she had black hair (we had to point out that so did most of the daughters best friends and her granny!) etc. She got over it. We also insisted right from the very beginning that all of the children were to treat our helper with respect afforded any adult in their lives, teacher, aunty granny and my husband sat down with her and them and made the rules very clear in front of the kids.... also when we were going to leave them for an outing on our own he would go through a reminder of the behaviour expected and make sure everyone was clear on that. Start as you mean to go on. We see some abhorrent behaviour from children towards helpers and it only backfires in the end by compromising the childs safety and many other things.

very good reply ness!

Unless there is something else you know of that has upset your child, it must be due to the move to HK. Your boy may take a few months to adjust.


I know I was very surprised when I took my then 24 month old to Britain to visit his grandparents for a month last summer and he hated being in England! He was distressed and desperately wanted to go home. I knew he felt our HK home to be very familiar, it's his little 'world' but I thought if I was with him in the UK he wouldn't mind. I was wrong.


The only other thing I can add is that although both my boys have a great relationship with our helpers, they love me and my husband way more and openly display that preference. So long as they are not rude about it (sometimes they are a little bit and I have to tell them about it)I think this is normal and okay. Of course children will love their parents more than the paid help, even if the DH are good.


Lastly, I do agree with the comment from Ness, I can't stand seeing children behaving badly towards their helpers. It's almost as bad as seeing helpers ill-treating their charges.


BTW, as to what you can do, I wonder if there are any children's story books on the subject of moving? Children often respond to books on subjects that are bothering them.

Hi jodies,

The best way your DH will win your son over is by playing his favourite games & reading his books. If he ignores her, let her continue with your other kids, he will eventually join in.

Whatever, he does, dont push him into accepting her, he has to get used to her being around before he takes to her at all.

If your DH is doing something like teasing him, etc & you dont like that, pls tell her about it. You son is sensitive you say, this wont help him.

Always believe your son, if he is unhappy about something about your DH, believe him. Kids will always tell the truth at that stage. Encourage him to talk about what is upsetting him, then you will know how to deal with the problem.

The kid needs time & it has to be the DH who has to win him over. The more he is expected to like her, the less he will. This is his world & there is an intruder about in his eyes. With time, he will be fine ( if your DH is fine & a good person). Instruct your Dh to win him over..slowly & without making a mockery of him, teasing him or hurting his feelings in any way, shape or form.

All the best!

Add to that - bribery using lollies etc.