Posted by
circleimc
18 yrs ago
I just had my second baby about 2 months ago and ever since then my helper has been very moody and seems pissed off the whole time.
She is in her third year with us and is a good helper and is excellent with our other 2 year old. However she never starts her day before 7am and finishes about 7pm. She never cleans the table or our dinner dishes even when we have a dinner party, she shuts her self away in her room which makes it difficult for me to ask her to help clean up as she is asleep.
Even though I have had my mother staying with me the last 2 months and have a part timer to help her with the cleaning she still walks around very tired, like she has too much to do and not enough time to do it.
Is she getting too complacent? It will only get busier for her once my mum leaves, what should I do? I did try to talk to her about her attitude and hours but she got very defensive, cried and basically told me to stuff it! But she is very good, excellent with the children and very trustworthy and good helpers are hard to find?
Oh the dilemma!
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May be she expects you to increase her salary since she’d have to take care of 2 kids instead of one? When she signed her second contract with you she assumed you had 1 child. Now you have 2.
You have two options: 1)to be straight forward and tell her that if she is not happy with her new circumstances, there are plenty of DHs who’d be happy to have her job.
2) pay her a little more to make her happy. It IS very hard to find a good DH, so consider everything carefully. If I were you I'd choose the second option.
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I would not pay on a regular basis but more on performance related bonus (but be fair to her if she performs pay).
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cd
18 yrs ago
OK she's good with your 2 year old, but from your description she's far from a good helper. I'd say clearing the table was a pretty basic requirement. It sounds like she has it easy and her attitude stinks. If she told you to stuff it then call her bluff. There are many really great helpers out there who would be great at cleaning and great at looking after your little one. And nat76 you're assuming that she will have to look after the baby too, not all helpers raise the kids, many are just there for cleaning and occassional babysitting.
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Maybe you could ask your husband to talk to her and make her understand that you're not happy.
I understand your concern after your mother won't be there, so you should better tackle the problem now. If she's not happy with the current situation, I think you should try to get someone else.
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SSN
18 yrs ago
Hi circleimc, you may want to ask her to talk openly about what is worrying her? may be its something totally unrelated with you. I think if DHs stay for too long a time, they too start taking things for granted. so may be you need to have a chat with her and discuss changing needs and requirements and lay them out openly. Say that you are observing her and if she is really performing well, she will get a bonus. if not, there is nothing. Now what is performance is totally upto you. if she is taking care of kids well and that is your priority, then why worry about cleaning dishes etc. I have come to the conclusion that if my top 2-3 needs are being met by the helper, I should just keep her. cos they are some pretty bad performing DHs out there as well. And as we all know, known devil is better than unknown. In your situation, you need her all the more now. Then trust me, keep her until your little one is a year old. No helper is perfect, according to me. There are and will always be trade-offs.
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Does she have children of her own back home?
Do you think sometimes by always looking after other peoples children that DH without any of their own ever feel "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" and wish they had children of their own, and feel that the years of their lives are sliding away without the happiness of a family? Just a thought - perhaps the arrival of another child is difficult to cope with for someone who, like most people, would love to have their own family - perhaps a reminder of what she does not have, and may possibly never have?
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Thanks for the replys. She is a good helper but it is her moody attitude that is getting to me and the household. I have enough on my plate without me walking on egg shells around her, with her two syllable answers it is like having a teenager in the house even though she is nearly 50!
So i am torn as she is very good with both the housework and the children but just recently her attitude is not. I pay her a very good salary ( 5,000) which was increased with the new contract, and we treat her very well. It is because of this that I am annoyed as we can not do more for her (we got her a part time helper!) and feel she is suddenly unhappy here. She is also not the type to ever talk to you or tell you her problems she would rather leave than admit something was wrong I think.
But I will have to confront it if it carries on or hope it is just a phrase as I feel her personality changed very suddenly.
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@@
18 yrs ago
This is exactly what happened with our first helper, although I knew I was pregnant when we signed her second contact and up'd her salary by $500 per month (a total of $6000).
Our situation just went from bad to worse and in the end I had to sack her.
Best thing I ever did, I simply didn't realise how depressing our home had become with her there.
Since then we have had two brilliant helpers (one left to start her own family) and the other is still with us helping to make a very happy home.
Good Luck!
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If you had no problems with her before then you should sit her down and tell her that you aren't happy with her attitude and you want to get to the bottom of it and that tears and tantrums won't do. Maybe there have been things going on with your mother that you aren't aware of - my mum although well meaning was always a pain in the backside when she came to stay as she couldn't get her head around the fact that we had a helper and used to drive ours mad by always doing the washing-up, cleaning etc. before our helper because she just couldn't cope with the concept of a helper. Also at her age it could be that she's going through the menopause and that could be causing her problems. If you can't get to the bottom of it and she's not prepared to discuss the situation then I think you need to seriously think what is best for you and your family. Also could be that she's really looking to head back to the Philippines - one of my friends was shocked by the change in their first helper who became really surly and it was all down to the fact that she wanted to go home but didn't know how to tell them so got herself really stressed out about the whole situation. Good luck with whatever you.
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If you're paying her $5K and you have a part-time helper, I definitely wouldn't be taking bad attitude from her. Sit her down, ask her why she is unhappy, and give her an ultimatum - cheer up, help more, or stop working for you. Yes, it will be hard to replace you, bla bla bla, but not impossible.
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Hi
i don't really have any advice for you but can sympathise with you as I am having similar issues. just have a three week old and while my helper is mostly good she seems to sulk if i correct her and when i asked how her sunday was she said not happy as i was tired. her workload has increased and my parents are here to so lots of washing but she still has free time in the day so i'm sick of being concerned of her moods. being 50 she doens't like me telling her how to do things eg in the kitchen so gets grumpy. she is great in other ways so i know i should be happy but i don't like her presence maybe it is because i am home so much more now with the babby. anyway just wanted a winge. I certainly wouldn't take attitude from your helper but agree the best way to deal with it is to ask her why she seems unhappy and explain that you have increased her salary, got a part time helper etc etc make it clear that you are not going to bend anymore for her but give her a chance to explain her side and if nothing comes to light make it clear you expect her attitude to change - easier said than done i guess.
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I agree pinkie it is annoying that i spend so much time worried about this situation and the cold atmosphere in the house. I guess if she had always been this moody then i would not have this dilemma it is because she has generally been fine up to now that makes this more difficult. But now she is unbearable and always making a big issue of how tired she is, even though she never gets up before 7.30am and is in bed by 7.30pm and does a lot less house work than she used too
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If she is having mood swings, question to ask is if she is emotionally balanced ? Is she going to crack and go nuts ? You have a baby to think of...
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I have found a second helper as i will now employ a second full time instead of the part time helper. But how would it work if my first helper still finishes at 7pm and goes to bed as she is used to this now, but the new helper works much later and cleans up after we have eaten dinner etc? That is not fair? Not sure yet how I will broach this...
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