DH ineffective with child disciplines

I have a domestic helper taking care of my 4 year old boy. She is smart and efficient so we renewed contract with her a few months ago. However, in the past few months, it's increasingly clear that she is not effective managing my son. I must admit that my son is quite naughty. But he behaves much more reasonable with me or everyone else in the family except our helper. Whenever the two of them are together, he gets easily irrated and would throw big tantrums and whines non-stop. I think it's because she spoils him too much, although she is quite aggressive herself and does not have much patience. Somtimes I wonder if it's because she's too lazy to set clear rules and follow them through with my son, so she just gives him whatever he wants. I tried to talk to her but she said she's tried her best to be firm with him. I feel very irritated since I'm a busy working mom. I've tried to train her how to deal with kids. But it has not worked. I do not want to terminate her because it's not like she did anything wrong. Anybody else who has had similar problems? Any advice what I should do?

Not an advise, rather experience sharing.


I had a similar situation and asked my helper to be more firm and strict. From being too soft she became too strict: started shouting at my child with or without reason, not allowing anything fun to do and so on. When I mentioned that to her, she got upset because she said she did what I asked. Fair enough! I understood her point very well.


Eventially, I did not renew her contract, because even though I understand her point very well, my husband and I are still a full-time working couple in need of good care of our child.


Luckily, our next helper was good enough. She had experience working in a family with three kids, so from the start she knew how to handle any situation well.

2468, I think your comment that 'Chinese kids are very, very naughty' does not sound very nice at all. FYI, I used to live in a community where it's mostly expatriate families and I have seen some very ill-mannered children whom were totally out of control and the parents are nearby doing absolutely nothing to control them. Mind you, they have the non-Chinese features. Please remember that there are Chinese users who visit this site and if you are based here in Hong Kong or China, I don't think you should be making a racist comment like this.


JYL, I don't know if this helps in but it certainly works for me. Whenever I 'discipline' my son, I always make sure that my helper gets 'involved' by being there. I would tell my sons that regardless whether they are dealing with me or the helper, the rules stay the same. You could give your helper the 'authority' to discipline them but make sure that they align with your beliefs and if at any time, she feels that she can't handle them, she will always refer things back to me. My helper would tell my sons that if they don't listen to her, then she would call mommy and let mommy talk to them and it usually works as my sons know well that what 'auntie' will be the same as what mommy would and they would not get things their way. Make sure the tone she uses isn't harsh but firm. I guess I am lucky 'cause I know my helper would follow it through and not 'give in' unnecessarily.

Many thanks for the feedback everyone. The problem I'm having with my helper is she does not seem to be able to handle being "firm". To her, to be firm is to scream and yank the child into his room for every little indiscretions, even though some are not intentional mischief. She does not have the patience to follow through with quiet and firm discipline. I think a few days off at home with the child and her together would be a good idea to show her what is appropriate and what is not. I guess there is really no easy fix on such problems, unless I stay at home myself...

There is another way other than naughty chairs and time out or ignoring tantrums (how did you feel last time someone intentionally ignored you, hit you, screamed at you or forced you to go to your bedroom - children are just small people not a different species and feel all the same emotions that an adult does, they just can't name them.


How about getting encouraging your helper to interact with him in a more relaxed way and with as much interest in him and his needs as possible and I am not talking about spoiling him but teaching, guiding, showing and helping him to become a considerate and independent young child.

Behaviour (everyones) arises out of a need... from the most basic - hunger and thirst and they will not go away until they are met. Even the higher needs like loneliness will not go away until resolved. Sometimes children are trying to tell us their need and we are not listening or can't quite understant what it is. Now it may be quite simple, they want to stop and look at something on the way home - and by listening for just a few seconds and sharing a moment you can forestall a great big tantrum and a lot of unpleasantness for everyone. Sometimes their needs are unnacceptable to the adult carer - eg they need all the sweeties in the supermarket... and you have to work smart, avoid that isle, shop without them, take something from home as a treat instead. Work on talking about the trip before you go and your behaviour expectations. There is a wonderful courses here in HK to do with parenting and some great books that accompany it. Much of a childs horid behaviour will actually come after the first "intervention" by the adult carer - many times you would be better off doing nothing. You demand something - then they refuse, retaliate, resent etc.

You can only use your power of being bigger and stronger than them for so long so it makes sense to work on a better more pleasant way to get on and guide you little one...if you want more info about some courses you can pm me. (I am not associated with them but found them invauable and life changing in my interactions with my three kids and those that I teach).

Hi ness, I have bought a few books myself on child discipline such as James Dobson's Strong Willed Child. I would appreciate it if you could give me more info about the courses and books that you have found useful. Thanks.