Posted by
jele
18 yrs ago
I had one helper but the past. She was eating with us for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
At the end, before we fired her, she was waiting for me to put her food in her plate, give her water, etc.. I was her helper.
I will have a new helper soon. How do you do? she eats with you? or alone in the kitchen? alone in her bedroom?
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crj
18 yrs ago
Our helper eats alone in her bedroom, or might have a neighbour helper come over and eat with her. We did put a small shelf and chair in kitchen, but she preffered her bedroom.
She is our employee, not our family member.
But I know others feel differently about this.
She probably waited for you to serve her so she didn't take too much, etc...
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mrsl
18 yrs ago
I agree with crj. Our helper eats alone either in the kitchen or in the dining room after we have finished (or sometimes with neighbours' helpers). Mealtimes are family times, that's when we get a chance to talk and relax together, neither I nor my helper would feel comfortable her being part of that (I asked what her preference would be before she started working for us). When we are out for meals, our helper obviously eats with us, but not at home. That is about 3 lunches a week, and I cannot convince her that she is not 'on duty' during that time, she cannot seem to relax.
Also, our DH is very welcome to eat anything that we have in the house, including lobster, steak or whatever. Sometimes she will eat what we are having, but more often that not she prefers cook something else for herself. In addition, we like to eat early, so that it fits in with the children's bedtime and bathtime routine. Our helper prefers to eat about 2-3 house after us.
Whichever works for you, I think you make it clear to her whether you expect her to help herself or to wait to be served. Your old helper may have been afraid to be seen to help herself to too much food or whatever.
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Treat other people the way you want to be treated. I do not agree that you send her to eat alone in her bedroom or kitchen. These helpers are human being,treat them with respect and you will be bless. However, with your previous helper-maybe it was just a big misconception on both parties. An employee can also be treated as a family member- although she is not a family member. On the other hand, you can have an open communication with the new maid. Ask what will be more comfortable with her-eating alone or with you guys. These people have lonely hearts already,away from family.... to be nice to them will be human.
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Treat other people the way you want to be treated. I do not agree that you send her to eat alone in her bedroom or kitchen. These helpers are human being,treat them with respect and you will be bless. However, with your previous helper-maybe it was just a big misconception on both parties. An employee can also be treated as a family member- although she is not a family member. On the other hand, you can have an open communication with the new maid. Ask what will be more comfortable with her-eating alone or with you guys. These people have lonely hearts already,away from family.... to be nice to them will be human.
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Treat other people the way you want to be treated. I do not agree that you send her to eat alone in her bedroom or kitchen. These helpers are human being,treat them with respect and you will be bless. However, with your previous helper-maybe it was just a big misconception on both parties. An employee can also be treated as a family member- although she is not a family member. On the other hand, you can have an open communication with the new maid. Ask what will be more comfortable with her-eating alone or with you guys. These people have lonely hearts already,away from family.... to be nice to them will be human.
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sorry for my mistake guys
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crj
18 yrs ago
I don't think our maid would want to eat with us... she loves running off to her room for some privacy and likes to eat with her TV on or with her neighbour friends...and not being under the watchful eye of her boss... The day has ended and she is getting a well deserved break.
I like my boss, but I wouldn't want to eat with her every night :) Same goes for my employees, nice group, but I want some space from them too!
But every family is different, just as every employee/employer relationship is different. It has to be what everyone is comfortable with.
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dss
18 yrs ago
Arlina, I agree with you. We comm to the new maid that she is part of the family and will eat together with us for dinner.
Initially, she was a bit uncomfortable and had to be prompted to help herself to the food.
Breakfast on her own, since we eat at the work place and my daughter ate in school. Lunch, she will cook for herself ( whatever she like) and for dinner,we will all have the same food. If we go out for dinner as family outing, she can order her choice(typically, she will copy my daughter). Invitations from friends, did not include her but if from both sides of family, she will be included.
My maid shared that the gesture to include her as a family was something that she had never expected and one of the reasons she continued to be with us for 7 good yrs.
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dss
18 yrs ago
For my helper, it was a lonely daytime as the family return only at 6-7pm, so dinnertime chatter is a welcome to her. I also get to know what her day is like. After dinner, she has her own time to chill out
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jele
18 yrs ago
Thanks for all your comments. So I will ask her what she prefers to do.
And we will see.
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jele
18 yrs ago
Yes, helenahk I must check what I prefer first.
I don't want to be a monster, but I would prefer if she eats not with us. We are bth working and can see our children only during dinner. So it's hard to share this time with someone who can see them all day long.
Of course I don't want to be a monster.
I would prefer a live-out helper, but it's impossible with the law. So, ....
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dss
18 yrs ago
Helenahk, this forum is a sharing. Those of us who work, are also under somebody's payroll and hopefully meet good employers who care about you as a person, other than expecting excellent work. I worked for a long time in a MNC, who made it their interest to care for their employees welfare. Does it mean paying sky high wages? No, but there were meaningful gestures that keep the employees happy and motivated. eg. Mgt level having meals at the same table in cafeteria regardless of ranks to indicate that all eat the same type of food, listen to their grouses, small celebration/token on their annivesary at work etc.
As somebody mentioned, you need to be comfortable with it.
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It definitely depends on people’s personality but it has to be understood that a live in job is very different to working in an office with people so is not a very good comparison.
I am happy for the helper to eat with us but understand if she doesn’t want to, if I didn’t want my helper to eat dinner with us at any time then I’d encourage her to eat first then do her own thing. I can after all wash a few dishes etc myself and consider bath and bedtime an opportunity to spend time wtih my kids and not a chore.
I obviously want to feel comfortable in my own home but expect my helper to feel the same way or her happiness and performance will be affected.
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mrsl
18 yrs ago
Assuming that you want your helper to eat with you, or are indifferent either way; why not ask her what she would prefer? As mentioned above, I was happy to eat out with my boss every now and then, but I would have hated to do it every day. Some people cannot think of a better way to spend their lunchbreaks. You both have to be comfortable with your decision for it to work.
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bbvv
18 yrs ago
OUr helper used to eat with us and I've noticed that she felt uncomfortable at times when picking the food to her bowl. Sometimes, my mother-in-law would put some food in her bowl out of kindness and I think she did not like it as she was full but took it anyway out of politeness.
Anyway, after noticing this, we decided to let her eat on her own in the kitchen and she loved it so maybe you can ask what she prefers. She can eat comfortably without having to feel embarrassed.
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helenhk- my kids (aged 22 and 23) do not know our
bank account nor have access to my bank account. Will it make them less of a family if they do not have access to our account? They do not eat the steak that I cook for their father-does that make them less family? How do I treat my helper as a family member? Dinnertime- she sits on the table with us.Eat the same food. Christmas day- she will receive a gift from my kids and us and she will do the same thing. Although, I have told her not spend anything for us, she still does. It is what you call sharing. By the way, I do not need to worry about feeding her steak - she doesn';t like the smell!!
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zalca
18 yrs ago
i think most people treat their helper as an employee. some people treat them as family.
it's ok either way. as long as we are professional and respectful i think either way is fine.
it's not rocket science guys :)
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we hv a breakfast table in the kitchen which is whr we all eat on a day to day basis. our helper does not eat with us simply cos my kids eat at 6 which is way to early fr her to eat. my hubby comes home at 9 and that is MY time with him. plus 9 is too late for her to eat cos she eats abt 7.30-8.00'ish. i never offered for her to eat with us and in fact alot of the times she tks her plate into her room and watches tv or yaps on the phone while hving her lunch/dinner. its her way of spending some quiet time. its what works for u.
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july8
18 yrs ago
Hi!from my experience as an expat living and travelling around the world,this is the fist time I hear families having dinner at home with the helper sitting with them,usually she should serve the dinner to you while you are sitting ;and eat before or after you ,usually in the kitchen or an other area.
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You should do what you feel comfortable with. We had our helper with us in singapore and as my husband was always late she ate with me in the evenings. When we bought her here she of course now eats with us because that is what we have always done. However, we now find this very intrusive being in much smaller accomodation and wish we had never started it. We have always treated her as a family member but now it is very awkward if she does something wrong as I feel bad having to reprimand her. For this and other reasons we have decided to no longer have a helper as it is too intrusive on our private life. I could not sit and eat dinner whilst she sat in her room and equally I do not want her to eat with us anymore therefore it is fairer to not have a helper. Obviously those who work don't have a choice.
The other thing I have found is that it is easier to add something later than take away. You could consider starting her separatley and see how you get on and then letting her eat with you. I know I did ask my helper what she would prefer and she said she did'nt mind.
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cd
18 yrs ago
I agree with helenahk,
Meal times are family times, our helper is not a member of our family, he is an employee. Both him and our previous 2 helpers were happy to eat in their rooms, its their break time, their time to chill out. We have never taken our helpers out to eat with us either, that is also family time, why would I want a helper in tow. We have to think twice before we eat out as a family without having to pay for an extra adult all the time. Our helper was employed to do the cleaning and to help look after our disabled son,not to become a member of our family and spend all his time with us. That doesn't mean we treat him cruelly or with disrespect, he gets extra time off, xmas presents, even the occassional ticket to the theatre for him and his wife.
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I agree with cd, crj, mrsl etc. If you are not comfortable having your helper eat with you, then don't. We had our first helper eat with us, because we were new to this whole thing. We felt that we should treat her as a full member of the household etc. In truth it was hell! She said virtually nothing throughout meals, and it emerged when she left that she hated the experience too - she felt that she had to be on her best behaviour and could not relax.
With our second helper, I did not give her the choice, so much as I asked whether she would be happy to eat after we did most days. Her face lit up and she said that she would prefer to eat alone. Apparently her previous expat employers kept inviting her to sit at the table with them and she felt that she had no time to herself. She also said that she felt that she had no choice in what she ate.
Like some of the other posters, our helper sometimes comes out for lunch with us. That is usually when it's just me and the children and having lunch out is convenient. It works fine because it is only once or twice a week, but the only problem is that our helper acts as if she is working the whole time.
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When we have our dinner, its our family time together...chatting & eating. During that time our helper clears up the kitchen & starts getting the kitchen sorted. When she wants she serves herself after we eat & sits at the dinner table & has her meal. We lounge around watching TV & she does too while eating.
She seems happy with that & we too are fine with it.
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our household is exactly the same as somewhat confused said. While we have our dinner, our helpers are serving us the food, cleaning up the kitchen, before we eat, we asked them to take a plate or two and take out their portion of foods first, we welcome them to every dish..... and after we finish eating, we watch the kids, and they eat on the dining table, we would be watching tv, playing with the kids, and letting them have their privacy.
I think it's nice this way. However, my previous helper eats inside the kitchen on her small table, while we eat outside in the dining room. I thought it wasn't as good b/c we are constantly going in and out getting more rice, more soup, soy sauce, serving spoons, chopsticks...etc. She hardly got any privacy.....
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zalca
18 yrs ago
my helper likes to take her food later and eat in her own room. that's her own preference. she's quite happy because she can watch tv or phone her friends at the same time. she needs her privacy just as much as we need ours. we have a very open plan house, so it's nice for her to shut the door on us all for a bit...
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YES WITTY you are very right, the helper is the one who takes care of everything inside our household including the food we eat,and everything being serve. Being nice to them will go a long way, if you know what I am trying to imply.
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bev1
18 yrs ago
my helper she treat me like her helper..i been treating her so nice and she step on my head terrible isn't it
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In what way she treats u like a helper bevi? And allowing anyone to step on you is beyond me.
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bev1, you are the boss. it's pretty easy to terminate your helper if you are really being mistreated.
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jele, i personally think it should be what you are comfortable with, not what she is comfortable with. not asking her to eat with you is not inhuman. i personally like to eat with my husband and son, without the helper. it's not being mean. meal time is a family time for us and sometimes we need our own space, even though having a helper is a great help, but we still need our own space, so does the helper. so if you are uncomfortable with that, tell her to eat after you, wherever she prefer, in her own room, in the kitchen or even on the dining table.......as long as you are happy.
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hi green, I know what you mean, Sometimes, when husband and I are discussing and the maid standing there with in the living room makes it different. Or when it is only the 2 of us who is having dinner and all kids are out and she sits with us.
Ther will be times (rarely) that when I will tell her to give us some private moments in a nice way. But when all the kids are around - she enjoys the noise with us.
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